Emotional affair and trying to reconcile going wrong

[Hogglehedge]

Need to offload, just so fed up

I really need some support and a space to offload. Please be kind as my mental health has taken a battering with this as im neurodivergent and ive been dealing with a very poorly daughter. I have been liking and following similar threads and comments recently.
In july I found out my H was having an emotional affair and exchanging sexual photos with a work colleague, a really flirty desperate woman I warned him about, this was after seeing her behaviour on a work social - she was all over married colleagues and ignored me.

My husband was part of whatsapp group chats with her attention seeking in which i didnt like , sexual banter and way crossing lines for a work chat -and eventually I just knew they were chatting separately, my intuition was screaming at me for weeks something was going on between them, there was mentiontis constantly and he also gaslighted me and made it all about me, my paranoia and hormones and him "not having any female friends " and all the usual crap they spout. Typical script shit.

I ultimately found out about the affair by things on his phone. He admitted messaging, offloading to each other and sharing of photos on one occasion. So it was an Emotional affair. He downplayed it saying it wasn't and that he didn't know there was such a thing. More bs.

hes promised hes told me everything and that it was just him being stupid and lines were crossed by him because we were going through stress - ive still not known whether hes told me the full truth. I'll never know. We decided to try and work things out- this was after some time apart and me nearly ending things. He promised he would block her on all angles and ive seen this. He also told her i knew and showed me proof of her seeing a message he sent telling her. However, they still work at the same place neither of them have left. Yes, I know he should of left his job. At the time I was so devastated and we are struggling financially. But now I really wish id made him leave.

Looking back now ive not been harsh enough. Which leads us to now. Things had been going OK, reconciling and he had been making an effort and I had no suspicions.....up until November time when his demeanour changed again, I noticed a weird vibe about him. I think hes been missing her chats and his ego boosting off her and they've got back in touch again and hes just unblocking her when hes away from me. recently ive found out that hes still doing things for her at work. Hes posted in a group chat that shes not in about doing a favour for her at xmas. Why is he bothered about her??? No contact means no contact!!!!! He's white lied a few times things to do with her which he dosent realise I know about as ive seen stuff on his phone again and ive been testing the waters to see what he comes out with. I can't face bringing it up again just yet, its my birthday soon, I just can't face another argument over that vile woman and his behaviour. I shouldn't be having to explain to a 45 year old man what respect is and the right way to try to reconcile after what hes done. im devastated that hes still in contact with this woman at work, he still sees her in the canteen at times, not every day but he says he can't walk away if shes there when hes with other collegues. Shes also married too - on and off apparently- i think he knows things but im too scared to message him. Its making me so angry that she knows my husband has "blocked" her for me, yet he still continues to carry on as normal with her, someone who has caused me so much pain and anger. I just needed to vent in here. I know what I need to do, im just so angry he just dosent care and how he could do this. am I right to be worried that there was far more to this in summer. I just dont know. Im worried they have been physical but hes sworn and promised its just been a few offloading messages and only one where he sent a photo after a few drinks. I know many of you will say LTB but I just love him so much despite what hes done. Deep down I know he will likely do it again. Its hard not to be angry towards her but ultimately it was my husbands choice to engage with her and its his entirely his fault. Its so hard, please be kind, im also amazed at how my intuition was so spot on with this, and how I was right all along. Sadly its still telling me he hasnt cut her off. Im just heartbroken really after what hes done and the damage its caused, I dont think I can get past it 💔

Thank you for asking, i had to be stromg we have seperated and he has moved out, its been a really upsetting time, we still love each other but theres so much damage 💔

I am sorry it’s come to this @Hogglehedge but not surprised. His behaviour towards you during that false reconciliation period was nothing short of cruel! I know it’s hard to make these decisions but it will be better for you in the long run. Sending you a huge hug!

You've not done anything wrong by trying hard to save your marriage. He didn't want to choose his family and that's it. Some posters might be cheaters themselves.

Sorry to hear about this OP. You still love him, but you have to start to believe, he doesn't love you as you think he does. Otherwise, you are likely to be hurt more. He is also likely trying to use separation to do exit plan with the OW.

I have been where you are

Hi i have bean where you are so if u want to talk i am here

Thanks all its just really hard 💔🥺 alsorts going through my head right now x

If you want to talk pm me

Please don’t fall for the I still love you .. he’s having cake and eating it. If this all goes Pete tong with her who do you suppose he will be super husband to? Well till the next time anyway.

I’ve been there too. He won’t stop, he loves the thrill that it gives him . The fact that he’s going behind your back despite telling you that it’s over demonstrates that he’s prepared to risk his marriage for this woman / thrill
If you confront him he’ll make the same excuses & promises as before ( why wouldn’t he, you were gullible last time ?)
I’d start to plan your exit ( this is where I went wrong , I just threw him out impulsively and I should have spent more time getting my ducks in a row )
Gather your evidence so he can’t turn this on you and once you’ve seen a solicitor and got things in order - then LTB
Alternatively you can choose to do nothing and live with this upset , anxiety & mistrust for the rest of your married life.

Is he hoping to reconcile or showing you any change? Is he looking for another job?

Or has he accepted it’s over and continuing to flirt and entertain her?

From what you have said she’s not someone he would want a relationship with as she’s married and has form for being an attention seeking flirt with previous for cheating. So why on earth would he blow up his life for someone he wouldn’t want long term? Some people just don’t seem to be able to use critical thinking. The affair bubble must make people go crazy.

I know right xx shes definitely not someone he would want long term. He always said if we separated he wouldn't be interested in another relationship with anyone.
Shes single now left her husband in January. He denies any further involvement with her, but I dont believe anything right now. Having to focus on myself and child and getting sorted with money situation 🥺

We have seperated i updated further up. Hes moved into his brother's. I had to be strong and be honest . He agreed the marriage is screwed and takes full accountability for it all, but the way hes been behaving more recently points to him still being involved with ow which he denies of course. My heart is breaking right now its a real mess. All caused by him. I will have more peace mentally. He says he will be there for us all etc but not sure if thats just words esp when he gets his own place properly but he has to sort himself out whilst I focus on myself

Im so sorry @Hogglehedge what a shit situation. I’m glad you asserted your boundaries and separated. Actions speak louder than words. If he was truly sorry and wanting you back he could prove it by finding a new job, giving you full access to his devices and be willing to give you the social group that includes her. Anything else is not going to work. Remember that and move on. You sound lovely and he doesn’t deserve you. Stay strong. 💪

Thank you so much, it really helps to get support on here xx

Please don’t think he’s truthful when he says he still loves you. It’s hard to hear but he doesn’t. He’s probably trying to soften the blow and/or leave the door open in case this new relationship goes wrong. Make sure you padlock and bolt that door.

People can be very idiotic when they are in the affair fog. Even if they are both married, they could both divorce. Given that she has left her H, then I'd say, get ready OP! Don't believe a single word he says now! It's freaking nightmare but protect yourself!

Read the script NOW. He will not be there for you. He has left for his new life and he has this OW want things from him. He will always be more nasty than you expect.

Hoggolehedge why are you not replying to me

I’m sorry I should have read the whole thread .

You sound like a strong and lovely person , in time you will find someone who deserves you and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him ( take it from one who knows)
I wish you the very best of luck - it does get very much easier and living without the anxiety & mistrust is a relief eventually .

Ow has now coincidentally posted a photo of her new place shes moving into publicly on her social media. Think i need to prepare for the worst, I dont think he will move in with her but theres his opportunity to take.... coincidence? Or not? I'll wait and watch

Don’t waste your time trying to prove he’s seeing her. It will make you bitter and resentful but you won’t get any closure from it. It will feed into his narrative that the marriage was toxic because you didn’t trust him. He’ll convince himself your split was for the best and forget that he single handedly took a sledgehammer to your relationship.

Just be content in the fact that if he does end up involved with her it’s not going to end well. Once the thrill fades for both of them he will realise what a mistake he has made. It might be fun when you have a steady relationship to hang out with the woman who is larger than life and makes you feel special. Not so much when you are introducing her to friends and family and have to watch her humiliate you by flirting with other men for attention.

Remember a leopard doesn’t change its spots without some deep soul searching and reflection which she clearly hasn’t done if her behaviour is to go by.

And if he really has had his head turned by her then he is not the man you thought he was so you wouldn’t want him anymore. Take time to grieve and heal. By the time you have done that, I am certain there will be no relationship between them.

Focus on the person YOU want to be in five years time — strong, grounded and happy. Visualise him seeing you living your best life and knowing what a wonderful person he let go for a cheap thrill that didn’t last. You don’t need his validation or respect. And one day you won’t even care what he thinks of you. But right now find comfort in the fact he will regret this— while you will not.

Thank you so much xxx

I’m sorry op, what a tosser he is. Yes, I’d say he’s shagging her, but, regardless of whether he is or he isn’t, his behaviour towards you has been abhorrent.
Now is the time to grey rock the rancid bastard. Do not engage with him, do not let him see you cry, focus solely on you and your DC. Be cold as fucking ice with the pathetic turd, that is what he deserves.
Yes it’s painful, yes you will grieve the life you thought you’d have, but in the long run? You’ll be much better off without a disloyal, dishonest man child weighing you down.

Thank you so much . Ive been like that the last couple of days. Im angry now