Emotional affair and trying to reconcile going wrong

[Hogglehedge]

Need to offload, just so fed up

I really need some support and a space to offload. Please be kind as my mental health has taken a battering with this as im neurodivergent and ive been dealing with a very poorly daughter. I have been liking and following similar threads and comments recently.
In july I found out my H was having an emotional affair and exchanging sexual photos with a work colleague, a really flirty desperate woman I warned him about, this was after seeing her behaviour on a work social - she was all over married colleagues and ignored me.

My husband was part of whatsapp group chats with her attention seeking in which i didnt like , sexual banter and way crossing lines for a work chat -and eventually I just knew they were chatting separately, my intuition was screaming at me for weeks something was going on between them, there was mentiontis constantly and he also gaslighted me and made it all about me, my paranoia and hormones and him "not having any female friends " and all the usual crap they spout. Typical script shit.

I ultimately found out about the affair by things on his phone. He admitted messaging, offloading to each other and sharing of photos on one occasion. So it was an Emotional affair. He downplayed it saying it wasn't and that he didn't know there was such a thing. More bs.

hes promised hes told me everything and that it was just him being stupid and lines were crossed by him because we were going through stress - ive still not known whether hes told me the full truth. I'll never know. We decided to try and work things out- this was after some time apart and me nearly ending things. He promised he would block her on all angles and ive seen this. He also told her i knew and showed me proof of her seeing a message he sent telling her. However, they still work at the same place neither of them have left. Yes, I know he should of left his job. At the time I was so devastated and we are struggling financially. But now I really wish id made him leave.

Looking back now ive not been harsh enough. Which leads us to now. Things had been going OK, reconciling and he had been making an effort and I had no suspicions.....up until November time when his demeanour changed again, I noticed a weird vibe about him. I think hes been missing her chats and his ego boosting off her and they've got back in touch again and hes just unblocking her when hes away from me. recently ive found out that hes still doing things for her at work. Hes posted in a group chat that shes not in about doing a favour for her at xmas. Why is he bothered about her??? No contact means no contact!!!!! He's white lied a few times things to do with her which he dosent realise I know about as ive seen stuff on his phone again and ive been testing the waters to see what he comes out with. I can't face bringing it up again just yet, its my birthday soon, I just can't face another argument over that vile woman and his behaviour. I shouldn't be having to explain to a 45 year old man what respect is and the right way to try to reconcile after what hes done. im devastated that hes still in contact with this woman at work, he still sees her in the canteen at times, not every day but he says he can't walk away if shes there when hes with other collegues. Shes also married too - on and off apparently- i think he knows things but im too scared to message him. Its making me so angry that she knows my husband has "blocked" her for me, yet he still continues to carry on as normal with her, someone who has caused me so much pain and anger. I just needed to vent in here. I know what I need to do, im just so angry he just dosent care and how he could do this. am I right to be worried that there was far more to this in summer. I just dont know. Im worried they have been physical but hes sworn and promised its just been a few offloading messages and only one where he sent a photo after a few drinks. I know many of you will say LTB but I just love him so much despite what hes done. Deep down I know he will likely do it again. Its hard not to be angry towards her but ultimately it was my husbands choice to engage with her and its his entirely his fault. Its so hard, please be kind, im also amazed at how my intuition was so spot on with this, and how I was right all along. Sadly its still telling me he hasnt cut her off. Im just heartbroken really after what hes done and the damage its caused, I dont think I can get past it 💔

I'm sorry but he is clearly one of those men who will say whatever they think their wives need to hear, whilst continuing the affair. This is quite common behaviour from some cheating men.

You either stay and accept this is who he is and turn a blind eye to his cheating behaviour, or you stay and don't accept it and be miserable as it will happen anyway, or you leave.

If you stay, you also have to accept the risk that he will leave once your role in raising his child/ children is over.

Thank you. We dont have any children together i have a daughter and son

Im at the stage where im ready to end it all now. Its only going to take one last bit of disrespect from him. Either that or another harsh line drawn in sand. Scare tactics etc what pp have suggested . In summer I wasn't harsh enough with him and hes rug swept it all but its been brought up numerous times since, its beginning to really slap me in the face how bad it is 🥺

Update: **will be long as need to offload. Apologies for not updating sooner. I've replied on a few very similar threads recently and thought i best update my own. So where do I start😞💔 please be kind, its a horrible situation to be in.

Since I last posted things became ok for a while, meaning we were getting on ok and I started to feel less anxious . but then went downhill badly

March time his demeanour went badly off and he lied to me about a couple of things, one was getting involved in some drama of hers at work with another collegue.

He then said he wanted to start going to work socials again even if she was present, as he was missing his friends on socials but "not her" and he would "keep away from her"(she goes to all of them, loves attention). I said no to start with and this caused multiple arguments with one bad one with him saying hes going whether i "like it or not". We didnt speak for 2 days and he spent the night in a hotel. He said we cant carry on like this and he wants to be able to see his friends. Well he should of thought about all this last year shouldn't he!!!!

Then his work besties 50th came up. Long story short I ended up giving in to letting him go to it, and seeing how it went with her there aswell, a test. (I know, i know. But it was his best mates 50th 😞)

And of course, after a day or two photos emerged which she posted on her social media publicly, one was of them all stood next to each other in a group. He could of stood anywhere, but no, he was right next to the homewrecker. I went mental, it was like a slap in the face, and all done publicly knowing full well i may see it. He also rolled in at 3am.

In between all this he then changed his pin on his phone (after letting me have it)
He also gets very defensive, and hates it when i bring things up about it. He says he hates how hes hurt me and wants me to try and move on from it and that shes just part of the work colleague group and unfortunately will be there and he cant do anything about it.

This has obviously caused more shit and basically theres been rows since, ups amd downs and now hes going out tomorrow again, where she will be present. Ive told him hes out if I see any more photos of him near her and im going to have to stick with my word. I feel like shes laughing in my face. One part of me thinks by him going im showing her she dosent bother me and I dont give a fuck about her.

This is absolutely breaking me in two. I cannot believe how he thinks this is right. He seems to think he isnt doing anything wrong. Hes being ok with me at the moment, but part of me knows theres potentially more to all this.

Its a special anniversary coming up for us in June, and its all making me miserable. What is it with this woman!!!??? Why hasnt he cut her off and is prioritising hanging round with her on socials when he knows how it makes me feel!!!

“One part of me thinks by him going im showing her she dosent bother me and I dont give a fuck about her.”

I think him going shows he doesn’t give a fuck about you. This is so sad, you are clearly not his priority. He doesn’t have all the power here, you are well within your rights to end it yourself. I’m sorry things haven’t been better. x

Yup, thank you, im so heartbroken with it all

Oh I forgot to add in to my update with "that" photo, they weren't just stood together they were practically on each others knee as that close, im sure he has his arm around her aswell but can't tell.

Why hasnt he cut her off and is prioritising hanging round with her on socials when he knows how it makes me feel!!!

Because the validation and ego lift he gets from her is more important to him than you making a lot of noise about it but not taking action. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't care how you feel. You set boundaries, he crosses them, you fight, rinse and repeat. Your marriage is full of lies and resentment and fighting. He's not going to stop seeing her. You choose what you're going to do about that.

This is already eating you up, and is impacting on your peace of mind. What way is that to live? I honestly think that if you acknowledge that you are in a relationship that is going backwards, it takes one courageous person (you) to say ‘this is no longer working FOR ME.’ No bargaining, no trying to reset boundaries, no anxious evenings wondering, no ultimatums.

I lost YEARS of my life trying to fix things, and after we separated, many more years trying to recover. The quicker you start your new life, the sooner - though it will take a long time - you will get to a place of peace.

im sorry, but that’s my lived experience, and in a heartbeat I’d rescue someone else from living that hell with someone who is supposed to cherish you and be true to you.

Kindly OP why are you waiting for another photo of them together to be the final straw? The final straw should have been some time ago. You're saying one thing but allowing (this is the wrong term) him to do whatever he wants. He'll push your boundaries cos you're not sticking to them

I don't mean to sound harsh but this is what's happening, until you say uh-uh absolutely not and please GTF out the house he's really not seeing any consequences to his shitty actions. He's not going to suddenly wake up to what he's going to lose all by himself, some men are pretty dumb like that.

Take the action, draw the line in the sand and stick to it 💐

I know it’s hard but you need to separate and end it. I saw what happened to my mum who chose to stay and make things work. It filled her with resentment and ultimately bitterness for her whole life. Being brave now, will save you from that life sentence.

"This is absolutely breaking me in two. I cannot believe how he thinks this is right. He seems to think he isnt doing anything wrong. Hes being ok with me at the moment, but part of me knows theres potentially more to all this.
Its a special anniversary coming up for us in June, and its all making me miserable. What is it with this woman!!!??? Why hasnt he cut her off and is prioritising hanging round with her on socials when he knows how it makes me feel!!!"

@Hogglehedge I realize how hard this must be for you, and I'm so sorry. I don't think you really have a "special" anniversary coming up and in your heart you know that. He's shit all over you, the marriage, and the love you have for him. He can't truly be sorry that he's hurt you because he's still doing it!

I hope you find that your anger and determination are stronger than the love you still feel. He doesn't deserve that love, but you do. Give that love to yourself. Make this real to him, let him see what he's lost, and enforce those boundaries. He thinks you'll eventually let it go without him having to change anything. I rarely say this outright, but LTB, or even better, make him leave!!

I'm hopeful you'll choose yourself and that you'll be happier next year.

Time to bin him off l am afraid. He’s not taking much responsibility and is acting in a very dodgy way unfortunately. You can’t just blame it on her “being an attention seeker”. It’s clearly more than that

I've been there. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to control what he does to make you feel secure. If he's not acting loyal to you then you have to say that's not good enough and walk away. I promise you'll look back glad that you did. Nobody should make you feel this insecure. As I found out you'll never trust him anyway so there is no option but to move on unless you want to spend the rest of your life like that.

This relationship is no good for either of you

hes hurt you by engaging in What you see as inappropriate but he sees as banter. You’re trying to dictate where he can /cant go and what he can /can’t do. Fuck that shit. He’s a grown adult who doesn’t need your permission to go to a work social !

you’re both better off without each other .

He had an emotional affair and exchanging photos with this woman. it wasn't just inappropriate banter. Far from it . Ive done nothing wrong other than stand up for what I think is wrong. And no, its not about giving him "permission ". Its about him being around the person he did this with and it making me uncomfortable

Thank you

But you’re now trying to control what he can and can’t do. Can’t do out at work, you ‘gave him permission’ to gong etc. that’s not up to you to dictate.

you define it as an emotional affair. Headings it as friendship and banter.

im not saying which is right , that’s up to you. It’s certainly disrespectful and you’re hurt. But you can’t control his movements and what he does or where he goes.

just end it

Whew, this is a difficult read op! I am so sorry. He is causing you so much distress. I know you don't want to end your marriage over something like this, but at the same time you are just ending up being heartbroken over and over again.

I don't want to be blasé and say "LTB" as if it's nothing, but...at this point, I don't think (for me) there would be any other choice.

Thank you 🫂 its just good to offload on here. Its a shit situation all round. 😞 its not easy to just end it either. Anyone who has been in this situation will understand

Unfortunately you’re the only person who can fix this for yourself. He doesn’t care. You can break this off and be sad for a small amount of time or you can carry on and be sad forever. He’s not going to be the person you want him to be.

Please stop keeping yourself stuck in this situation.
He is treating you appallingly.
You are not his priority.
He has shown zero commitment to fixing this, acknowledging the damage he has done (other than a few empty words), and is definitely not acknowledging the damage he continues to cause to your relationship.

You need to gather all your strength and all your nerve, and end this.

He will not change.
He wont put you first.
You deserve so, so much better than this.
You need to put you first, and not stay out of fear of loneliness.

@Hogglehedge truth is discovered affairs thrive with three people involved, he is in a position of power here and he’s thriving from it. You feel you’re setting boundaries but in a way the poster above rattling on about you ‘controlling him’ is right. He should be setting his OWN boundaries and that involves his OWN actions to help you feel safe and secure but bottom line is what he is getting out of this ongoing contact is more important to him than you and your relationship. I’m not saying SHE is more important, what he is receiving from all this is more important, ego kibbles, validation, dopamine hits, power, control whatever you’d call it. You need to draw a line in the sand. He needs to leave. You can’t go on like this, it will break you and yes it’s hard but sweetheart you’ve lived in this limbo for MONTHS now, and nothing has changed, you've just become more broken, while he has stamped all over your attempts to put this relationship back on track. Having a photo taken next to her was a big f’you to you and you need to act accordingly. It’s over.

Yes i understand. And it hurts so bad. Thank you 🫂 💔

@Hogglehedge i know it hurts, but honestly, it’s awful reading your words and knowing how utterly broken you are. You need to find your inner roar. You need to pull on what is left of your self esteem (which I know will be utterly broken) and use it to start to realise you are worth SO much more than to be competing against this woman. Put him in your rear view mirror @Hogglehedge, your future self will thank you for it!