Emotional affair and trying to reconcile going wrong

[Hogglehedge]

Need to offload, just so fed up

I really need some support and a space to offload. Please be kind as my mental health has taken a battering with this as im neurodivergent and ive been dealing with a very poorly daughter. I have been liking and following similar threads and comments recently.
In july I found out my H was having an emotional affair and exchanging sexual photos with a work colleague, a really flirty desperate woman I warned him about, this was after seeing her behaviour on a work social - she was all over married colleagues and ignored me.

My husband was part of whatsapp group chats with her attention seeking in which i didnt like , sexual banter and way crossing lines for a work chat -and eventually I just knew they were chatting separately, my intuition was screaming at me for weeks something was going on between them, there was mentiontis constantly and he also gaslighted me and made it all about me, my paranoia and hormones and him "not having any female friends " and all the usual crap they spout. Typical script shit.

I ultimately found out about the affair by things on his phone. He admitted messaging, offloading to each other and sharing of photos on one occasion. So it was an Emotional affair. He downplayed it saying it wasn't and that he didn't know there was such a thing. More bs.

hes promised hes told me everything and that it was just him being stupid and lines were crossed by him because we were going through stress - ive still not known whether hes told me the full truth. I'll never know. We decided to try and work things out- this was after some time apart and me nearly ending things. He promised he would block her on all angles and ive seen this. He also told her i knew and showed me proof of her seeing a message he sent telling her. However, they still work at the same place neither of them have left. Yes, I know he should of left his job. At the time I was so devastated and we are struggling financially. But now I really wish id made him leave.

Looking back now ive not been harsh enough. Which leads us to now. Things had been going OK, reconciling and he had been making an effort and I had no suspicions.....up until November time when his demeanour changed again, I noticed a weird vibe about him. I think hes been missing her chats and his ego boosting off her and they've got back in touch again and hes just unblocking her when hes away from me. recently ive found out that hes still doing things for her at work. Hes posted in a group chat that shes not in about doing a favour for her at xmas. Why is he bothered about her??? No contact means no contact!!!!! He's white lied a few times things to do with her which he dosent realise I know about as ive seen stuff on his phone again and ive been testing the waters to see what he comes out with. I can't face bringing it up again just yet, its my birthday soon, I just can't face another argument over that vile woman and his behaviour. I shouldn't be having to explain to a 45 year old man what respect is and the right way to try to reconcile after what hes done. im devastated that hes still in contact with this woman at work, he still sees her in the canteen at times, not every day but he says he can't walk away if shes there when hes with other collegues. Shes also married too - on and off apparently- i think he knows things but im too scared to message him. Its making me so angry that she knows my husband has "blocked" her for me, yet he still continues to carry on as normal with her, someone who has caused me so much pain and anger. I just needed to vent in here. I know what I need to do, im just so angry he just dosent care and how he could do this. am I right to be worried that there was far more to this in summer. I just dont know. Im worried they have been physical but hes sworn and promised its just been a few offloading messages and only one where he sent a photo after a few drinks. I know many of you will say LTB but I just love him so much despite what hes done. Deep down I know he will likely do it again. Its hard not to be angry towards her but ultimately it was my husbands choice to engage with her and its his entirely his fault. Its so hard, please be kind, im also amazed at how my intuition was so spot on with this, and how I was right all along. Sadly its still telling me he hasnt cut her off. Im just heartbroken really after what hes done and the damage its caused, I dont think I can get past it 💔

@Hogglehedge i am reconciled (several years) after an affair and this is called a false reconciliation.

He is still in touch with her and he is still seeking out the validation and ego kibbles he’s getting from their contact. He has just got better at hiding it. He is not prioritising you and protecting you from the pain and hurt he is causing you. I suspect your suspicion that there is more going on or has gone on is correct. I was told that if they’re in physical contact, it is very likely that they would have had a physical relationship and tbh I have found that to be true.

After being the unwilling participant in their narrative, you have now knowingly pitted yourself against this woman to fight for this man. Now I know this sounds harsh but I know because it’s EXACTLY what I did. I ‘fought’ some crazy battle to make him block her, to make him stop contact. I called her names, shouted, screamed, cried. It didn’t work.

It was only when I drew a firm line in the sand that I was not going to fight for our marriage and he could go be with her as I was much better than to be pitted against the OW that he woke up from the power trip he had over me.

We are years into reconciliation now and my husband has made some serious lifestyle choices off his own back to build trust, choices he has not faltered on and has not wanted to falter on.

You are doing a lot of the work here, he’s playing you. Time to find your inner lion. You are not a bit part in your own life.

I would be very honest about what you know, tell him that your marriage may be over, that you are thinking things through and emotional withdraw from this idiot.

Surviving infidelity website is an amazing source of support so I’d also take myself there. Their 180 strategy is really worth a read, as is the book leave a cheater gain a life and not just friends by Shirley glass.

I would say that if they were exchanging suggestive messages and photographs, then this was an emotional and a sexual affair. It was just perhaps not consumated. I agree with PP that stepping back and offering to cut him loose may be more effective. Let him feel the loss of you rather than you clinging on to him for dear life. Also consider why you love him so much. Unconditional love is for children. Love between adults should be conditional. If someone treats you badly and stomps on your heart, you should consider taking your heart back.

This is likely to invite a flaming but it's my experience:

I had an emotional affair that briefly turned towards physical. I let (x)DH find out about it. We tried to reconcile for a couple of years but eventually I ended the marriage.

Affairs are always wrong and I regret not having the guts at the time to fix/end my marriage. It hurt a lot of people a lot more than divorce did.

BUT in therapy during/afterwards I was asked to consider what it was I got from the other man that was missing in my marriage. This was pretty enlightening.

So what do you think your DH is getting in his emotional affair that he's not getting in his marriage? It might be something he should have given up as a married man and father - the thrill of the chase or of being chased, loads of attention, shagging someone fresh.

Or could it be something you've lost (or never had) in your marriage that's not unreasonable? Support, quality time, appreciation, respect?

For me, understanding why helped me decide what to do next.

Only you know your marriage and your husband. It's easy to knee-jerk when you are deep in the whirlwind, and most people will scream LTB, but breaking up a marriage is a big and hard thing to do. Understanding how I'd got to where I had really helped me.

No flaming here I appreciate your honesty and comment

He told me it was the thrill of the chase it turned him on someone being into him and it was a distraction from the stress . Despite him still getting love sex and attention from me . We were going through a really awful time with my daughter in mental health crisis (still are) but I was still the loyal wife to him. But he decided to do this. Other than that our marriage was ok. X

I bet they’re still in contact op
have you checked the locked chats on watsapp and even the double locked chats that need a code?
they always find a way .
if he was truly sorry and serious about his marriage he’d change jobs and cut her off completely.

@Hogglehedge - and the thrill of the chase is something you by definition cannot give him. Long-term monogamy does involve giving some things up and that is one of them. Also - wasn’t his story that she threw herself at him? So where was the chase?

Usually when people cheat it's about what's missing inside of them instead of what is missing from the relationship. If the relationship is basically ok, framing it in a way that asks "what was missing" is damaging and puts the blame on the cheated on partner. People (men in particular) often cheat because they need external validation that they are still desired/sexy/not past it, especially if the interest comes from a younger, attractive woman.

The fact that he needed an ego boost or the thrill of the chase is on him, not on you. If he's not willing to address the core problem here (the fact that he wanted or needed that in the first place and that he turned away from you in a time of stress) then there will be no getting past this. It's also more likely to happen again when he feels secure with you but misses that little spark of excitement.

Without his full accountability and accepting responsibility, there isn't anywhere you can go that will make you feel safe in the relationship again. Is it possible that he truly doesn't understand or won't face the consequences of what he's done? Does he think you are desperate enough to stay with him no matter how he treats you?

If you told him to leave (and then let him go) he might have a wakeup call, figure out what is important, and actually do the work that's needed to repair your marriage. Or he may not and the relationship ends. You may decide having him our of your daily life is a relief, and you'd prefer to be on your own. He doesn't get to control the narrative here, and surely any of these outcomes is better than you feeling gaslit, blamed, and not his priority.

For context - I had seen messages off her one to one to him around spring time last year that were suggestive and attention seeking but he wasn't doing anything at this stage other than chatting to her back normally no flirting on his part. She appeared to be the one pursuing him for attention. In group chats she was attention seeking and tagging him In things to get him to reply and I said I didn't like it. Apso she was sharing selfies of herself in low cut tops, legs in platform heels , sat in hot tub with low swimwear on and pics of her nails. Totally inappropriate for a work colleague chat. He told me it was just banter and shes showing everyone stuff and shes a bit full on. Then it got to where even collegues were joking that she fancied him in the chat. We then went on a works social and she was all over another married colleague - really flirty and just disrespectful behaviour. Totally disrespecting the fact he was married but his colleague was lapping it up too. I felt sorry for his wife. I told him I hope shes not like this with you.
I told him i didn't like her or him chatting to her out of work at all. Then at some point he decided he didn't give a shit about what id said and engaged more with her and it led to the EA and exchanged photos. My intuition was nagging me about her for weeks and he denied it all gaslighted me said im paranoid you dont like her because shes a bit full on etc total darvo crap. And I was right all along. Ive also found out her husband was in a relationship at a previous job when she got with him, they both cheated to be together so she has a history

He is the problem. Not her. I mean she’s behaving unprofessionally but if it wasn’t her, he would be pursuing someone else. He has shown you what kind of a man he is.

You are going to live a life of constant doubt, anxiety and the pain of betrayal.

You might love him but it’s not enough, I’m afraid.

He is crossing boundaries again and again. Showing you disrespect again and again.

Staying married to this creep (and he is a creep regardless of your feelings about him), will destroy you.

He will most certainly, if he hasn’t already, develop contempt for you because of your willingness to overlook his dreadful behaviour.

For the sake of yourself, your self worth, your dignity, your mental health, you need to get rid of him.

IMHO it’s irrelevant who started this. FWIW my husbands affair began with chasing from the female side. I read it to. I know who began it BUT it doesn’t alter the fact that at some point he decided that his need for validation and ego kibbles from this woman overrode his love for me, his devotion to his family and our safety.

That is on him.

Your husband had poor boundaries, he allowed those boundaries to weaken and crossed the line. This was not because he enjoyed the thrill of the chase but because he is selfish and entitled. You yourself say your marriage was not unhappy (I believe you, seen it time and time again) but he still decided when you needed him and your daughter needed his attention and time, he was more interested in pursuing an affair. This is utterly selfish and entitled.

I don’t have time for the ‘needs met’ nonsense as well! I believe it’s very damaging and results in a lot of false reconciliation and further pain as betrayed partners twist themselves into knots trying to be more for a cheat who ultimately just wins out of it!

Yes it is this 1000%
Its just shit all round. I can't believe he did this when we were going through such a distressing time with my daughter too. Again you are spot on and its all selfish and all for kicks. Not giving a shit about me or daughter. Its just horrible. Im at the angry stage now after going through hell for weeks and it really affecting my mental health feeling bad about myself comparing myself to her. All this is on him.

Do you know where she lives? In all honesty, I would show up on her doorstep and ask her DH if he knows that his wife is having an inappropriate relationship with your DH. Blow the whole shit show wide open.

If you don't know where she lives, I'm sure she's tagged her DH on facebook or something and you could message him and ask to meet. I'd have screenshots of the messages as proof.

Before I did any of this, I would tell my DH "If I see one shred on evidence that you are still messaging, I am going to her house to tell her DH". At least that way, he has been pre warned, and you can say "well, I did tell you that's what I would do".

And just to add, yes he is to blame, but the OW is to blame too. I hate it when people say she owes you nothing, bla bla bla. She knows he is married to you. It is disrespectful to target another woman's husband. It's utterly amoral behaviour and I absolutely would apportion some blame on her too. Quite honestly, I would want to blow up her life. Show her who she's messing with. Show her that if she targets my husband, I will be on her doorstep telling her husband. So far she thinks you're a walk over. She's pissing all over your territory with zero consequences. I'm so mad on your behalf Op.

Thank you ive felt like this too. I know who her husband is on fb x

Ofc the ow is a silly bitch. No doubt about it.

But the op’s h is also a silly bitch and he will always fuck about because there are so many likeminded people who either want hot sex or twoo wuv outside of their marriage.

They’re pathetic and embarrassing. But they are real and will continue to throw grenades into other people’s lives if we let them. If we bin them and chop them out of our lives, then they can’t do it to us anymore.

Op, I’d save your rage for your h only. And save your dignity by ignoring the ow. Please don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of this betrayal.

This is brilliant advice and was my experience too.

Thank you all x

You love him - understandable it's hard to let go - but if you set actual boundaries then you will learn if he iis prepared to genuinely meet your standards.

Walk away and let him chase you - if he doesn't, then I'm afraid you have your answer.

This is a pick me game sadly - you and her both boosting his ego.

there are some really good instagram accounts that I think give amazing advice on thes situations. I will try and find them to link - but all of the advice is the same - you have to SHOW you mean it. not 'say' you mean it.

Men speak the language of consequences.

The consequnce for breaking your boundaries is he now should lose you

He will not take you seriously until that happens - and hopefully when you do that you will gain your own pride and not want him again

I wish I had realised all this earlier.

there are so many good men out there, you do not need to waste your time trying to 'fix/change men like this

Thanks, I have already set those boundaries but then emphasised them in November and its looking like hes just taking the piss. Hes still chatting to her at work and denying it. Im just heartbroken with it all and that hes done this and caused all this damage💔

I know it seems like such a massive step but I absolutely promise you that you will feel better when you stop chasing and expecting to have an influence on what he's doing and start taking control over everything that you can.

It's such a hard shift because you are pages behind. You are still committed to your relationship and expecting him to care how you feel. Right now he's in his affair bubble and at worst doesn't care for you at all (right now) and at best takes you completely for granted.

He will feel the shock of you enforcing your boundaries - most likely will separation. Focus on you - don't chase him, don't play pick me. Just do things that make you feel a little bit better every day. Spend time with people who genuinely love you.

Don't share your emotions with him, just the facts. He doesn't deserve to see your vulnerability.

They are using feeling they hold all the cards. Standing up for yourself this way will move you forward. It might give him the shake he needs to feel the actual impact of losing you, but if it doesn't straight away you have a better chance of being happy moving on now than waiting for him to decide or keeping making you miserable.

EA’s are complicated. This sounds like it went further with the sexting - EA’s tend to be more about just getting on as humans so opening up to one another and enjoying spending time together but eventually realising you’re developing feelings. I don’t know how many of them result in sexts and dirty pics… I think your H just wanted to fuck her tbh rather than having feelings

Yeah for the same reason i wouldn’t call this an EA affair, it’s just a regular affair I’d say without them physically having sex. Sadly it’s probably only a matter of time before they so end up in bed together - that’s if they haven’t already.

I am sorry OP but you’re going to be willing to walk away from this man, he does not have the morals or consideration for you to stop himself so as pp have said he’s going to have to face some consequences as a result of his actions.

Maybe he will listen then and if he doesn’t that shows him having a fling with this woman is more important than staying married to you.

Thank you
I appreciate all the replies. Regarding it going or already physical. It makes me feel sick thinking it.
My anxiety has been overthinking it all recently and im really worried they have slept together. I do think it would of come out by now though somehow ? We've pretty much talked about it numerous times, and hes sworn hes been stupid and its only been some messaging and one photo sent each one evening when he had had a few drinks, when lines were crossed . Hes told me the same thing everytime and ive tried catching him out. Im not sure. I dont think im ever going to know the full ins and outs.💔

You need to channel that anger! I know it’s easy to say you need to draw a firm line but countless posts are saying the same. I remember reading ‘you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage’. ‘IF’ that is your end goal.

It’s a risk but the limbo you’re in atm only benefits your husband.

As for whether it has got physical, we don’t know. Experience of other stories and friends would indicate it’s likely. You need to think very carefully about whether this possibility would be a deal breaker for you. As for it coming out, not necessarily if the OW and your husband are still playing the game.

But tbh if he’s not drawing a line with this woman he clearly doesn’t really care whether you think he has or not.

The hardest thing I has to do after my husbands affair was rip off the rose tinted glasses. I had seen him as my hero, my saviour, my rescuer for such a long time that I was heartbroken to have to realign my new truth with my narrative. Once I’d started seeing the selfish, entitled man who couldn’t prioritise his loved ones over his own addiction to the affair and what it gave him, I found my inner rage.

Do not be a spare part in their story, do not dance the ‘pick me’ dance, you matter, you are a force to be reckoned with, show him! You deserve more! Your children deserve better. Your family deserves the man you thought he was not this pathetic excuse!

Thank you so much for your support and yes 100% agree. Im really sorry you have been through this too.

If i find out they have been physical all along theres no going back for me. Its bad enough what hes already done. But that would be the deal breaker for sure. I would of ended it in summer if I had found that out then too x