Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh he sounds really nice, Brightbluesomething. Happy for you to take the lead! I'm glad that it went so well. What are you doing on Sunday?

I had a 'Thanks but I'm not interested' message on Hinge, from the only other person who I had 'liked' in the last few days. Never had one on Hinge before but it was nice to get a response, even a 'negative' one.

@Brightbluesomething sounds promising 😁

I hear that, I had a man who compartmentalised - I never met his friends and I felt like a secret, it was deeply unattractive. Healthy relationships should originally be a merging of your lives at some point.

Did he give you any insight into why he hasn't had a relationship for such a long time? There's no reason why you shouldn't drive this, but I would be worried (and this is just me) that he might be lazy rather than shy or overwhelmed, but it's so hard to know at the outset isn't it? It is much better than love bombing though, so definitely worth seeing where this one goes... I'd want him to start stepping up quite soon though, now that you've made it clear you are very interested?

That would irritate me. I had not texted Mr Soughdough all week, but he sent me a message yesterday confirming our date, time and place which I thought was good manners.

The date with Mr Soughdough was great. We both enjoyed Wuthering Heights - the sex stuff wasn't that embarrassing - and although there was an opportunity to ask me back to his or visa versa at the end of the date, he didn't take it, but there was a lot of kissing which was great. I like that he's not pushing for sex, but clearly finds me attractive. He said he'd call, so let's see... my prediction is it will be 2-3 days time as that seems to be his way, but at least it is consistent.

@rubberduck68 Yes I did ask him and said wow that’s a long time when he said his last proper relationship was 2009 as mine was just over a year ago. I think it’s a combination of working away a lot in a male dominated industry, there are no women in his department. His hobby is usually male dominated but it’s the same as mine and we support the same team so we’d watch it or travel to it together. He met his last two partners on group holidays abroad but that’s resulted in long distance relationships so he’s never lived with a partner. He seems fully house trained as a result though. I’d never seen him on OLD before we matched and he’s quite local to me and in my usual age range so I would have. I think one of his sisters persuaded him to set up a profile.
If I hadn’t held his hand as we were leaving the venue and asked if he was going to kiss me then he wouldn’t have made a move. But he responded positively. He actually talked earlier in the night about how Epstein etc had made it much more difficult for men who don’t want to come across as predators. So I think he was being overly cautious.
We’re meeting tomorrow to go for a walk so I’ll see how he gets on.
Great to hear it went well with Mr Sourdough!

I’m someone who doesn’t see any need to merge different parts of my life and doesn’t see it as essential at my age.

If I meet now, I don’t think I’d want them involved either my family. My DS is a young adult so there’s no blending of families. My parents are elderly and my time with them is our time together, not an area of my dating life.
The last man I dated for 2 years met my son 3/4 times, didn’t meet my parents or my old group of friends. I met his daughter who lived with him but his other daughters I only met in passing - I don’t see it as a factor in later life relationships to merge lives.

That’s good to know as me and Mr Cheval are going to see this tomorrow however there has been some intimacy so shouldn’t be awkward.

Hooray! That all sounds really positive.

That is a while not to have a relationship. Not necessarily a red flag though. Do you think it also just hasn’t been a priority for him either? If someone else pushed him to try OLD then it reads like it just not been a priority for him to try to meet anyone.

So I had my date with Mr Charismatic last night. We went out for dinner, it was really lovely, he stayed over as well. I’m slowly getting to know him a bit better. We seem to have pretty similar lifestyles and values which is nice. I don’t think the immediate “personality chemistry” is as strong as it was with Mr Nomad, although I put this down to Mr C being quite a similar personality to myself who takes a bit of time to relax around someone new.

I asked Mr C where his head was re dating. Obviously we paused things 8 months ago as he has some stressful life stuff going on. He said the situation has calmed down a lot now, that he wasn’t in the right headspace before but he is slowly getting back into wanting to date again now. I very much got the vibe that he was feeling quite cautious about it all and not keen to rush anything or commit to anything just yet. Which in itself isn’t a bad thing, I don’t want to rush anything either. He did say that it was really nice to reconnect again with me, and when he left this morning he suggested we meet up some time for a particular activity we are both interested in. So I’m taking it as positive, while remaining wary that he might not be ready for anything more (or if he is, it might take some time).

Thanks @rubberduck68@Polly1979 @TwistedWonder@Nosdacariad

Id like to think dating in the wild would be better but my age group would be say 45 to 50ish and I dont seem to see many around (or else they just look older?). I work but all are younger and married. That said, im going to go in more to the office to show my face. I have lots of friends who are married who I see. I've also got a good older male friend who i just hang out with with the kids, no attraction on both sides, just friend from years. But i miss that sense of desire and happiness when you are dating someone you really like. Its like life has become compartmentalised without the dating compartment! It didnt help that my ex was effortlessly cool to me!

@PinkNeonSign with Mr Scenester try things out and see if it naturally fizzles out or if you both want to make changes to make it work. I saw my previous partner every weekend from Friday night to Sunday morning, plus during the weekdays at times when I worked from his/vice versa plus family dinners with my kids. Yet we split because HE thought it wasn't enough. He couldn't see that we were very lucky to have this (i had brilliant childcare) and he wanted someone who was there every day, morning and evening naturally, the kind of relationship you have when you don't have kids (he didnt). I guess im saying is you could be so much more aligned and still it might not work.

@BoxOfCats well done for having that conversation. Are you ok with Misters N and C being this way for now?

@Eesha totally agree with all of that 💙

Thanks @Eesha I agree it’s hard to meet people in the wild as it were, work feels like a good place as I think you’re often around likeminded people, but then there is a downside if things go wrong. I’m my mind, one day we’ll all be at home with the loves of our lives and we’ll all understand why we went through what we did to get there, I know it’s blind optimism but it is what I believe.

You’re right about Mr Scenester, it’s just such early days, and both of us are new to dating in your 40s with primary school aged children. Looking at the schedules, it’s not as bad as I thought but there are definitely no weekends for a few months unless one of us finds childcare.

You deserve better, so sometimes it's good to know really early on when the trash takes itself out... next!

Ah, so he has some social awareness, which might be why he didn't want to presume a kiss or hand holding. Mr Soughdough asked if he could kiss me, which I appreciated. Being launched at by a man early on can be daunting, so this guy sounds sensitive, but interested if he is seeing you again. Fingers crossed that the walk date goes well

This all sounds very positive because you have clarity, he's been open about where he's at and so are you. Watching this with excitement for you

Pathetic childish cowardly behaviour.

I hope you’ve deleted him and won’t let him come back with a made up excuse.

Too many of these flaky men out there sadly. I’ve had it a few times where a date been planned then he disappears - what’s the point?

I do hear you on this, with family (I am in my fifties) but friendships I would expect those to merge. I think if you don't see a man around his closest friends you don't see who he truly is, he could be putting on an act around just you. I feel suspicious of men who won't introduce me to their friends, it gives me cheater or lone wolf vibes. I wouldn't care about a partner meeting my adult kids though, I am not looking for another father figure for them, although they are always keen to get a look at who I am dating!!

I am having to hold on tight after a great date with Mr Soughdough on Friday. If I look at the evidence, he has consistently been in touch 2-3 days after each date with a phone call asking me out again, but there's always that feeling in your stomach isn't there? That this might be the time they don't contact you? This is all so new for me, the not texting, and connection being just in person, and although I think it's good, I also feel completely ungrounded by it during the waiting periods.

I met someone in the wild last night! And had a snog in a pub! Is it 2005?

Love this! What a great antidote to the very rude Mr Manchester!

Me too. Mr Narnia did this.

Love it!