Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Do you feel you can ask Mr Charismatic what he wants?

Mr Soughdough has suggested Wuthering Heights on Saturday followed by dinner. Went out with a friend last night who said, "There's loads of sex in it." Errr... how much? I mean, that could be good or bad, right? OR it could be really embarrassing sitting there watching a shagfest?!! Anyone seen the film? Is it a good date movie? Is it a good movie?

I don't know...but I want to see it now!

Also, he suggested a proper date by himself. Good on him!

Think you might want to do dinner first, then movie and then who knows. I haven’t seen it, but the reviews are very steamy and lots of sex scenes, but it’s a 15 rating. Perhaps check with him that he’s sure that’s the movie he wants to see. Saying that I would go with him just to see the film.

😁

I was worried by something else my friend said - would love your opinion: I don't text in between dates and I have told Mr Soughdough that I don't want or need the "good morning" and "good nights" or chat in-between. This is because I was in two highly toxic relationships (I have not old him this) that began with our phones blowing up and I thought that meant these men were keen and decent (they were neither) and it quickly built up a false sense of intimacy with them that did not exist off the page. My friend said that if I'm not texting Mr Soughdough and "making him smile every day," and feel connected to me, then some other woman will be doing that so I should get on it. I don't want to, but am now worried that she is right? Discuss?

If you don't want to, then don't do it.
Can there be other women doing that? Sure. But if he is choosing other women over you because of a "good morning" text, that's not a guy who values you anyway. If he wants something different, he can express his needs the same way you did.

@OptimisticFather I don’t date anyone newly single or not fully divorced. There’s too many emotions you can’t control. Having been the ‘exciting’ rebound after a LTR more than once, people can promise that they’re ready (especially if they think they’re going to get jiggy after a barren period) and even convince themselves, but they’re really not. It’s not attractive if you’re dating someone who rants about their ex either. Seems like she’s already started with that if you have this level of detail.

@rubberduck68 not sure your friends advice is all that good. Sounds like she wants you to do the pick me dance as if you’re competing with other women? You may be but no good will come of this approach. Be yourself, set your boundaries and if you’re compatible it’ll work out. Never try to be something you’re not, it’ll lead to a whole loads of unnecessary anxiety. The right man for you will be decent and not swayed by games. He might find your honesty attractive. Men have the same crap to deal with that we do and possibly the same worries. Clarity in the murky world of online dating is a good thing.

He received it well when I said this on the first date and responded that he finds texting difficult, "does this message sound right or not," kind of anxiety, etc. He phones me up and asks me out, so it seems he has listened to what I said. My friend is much more of the ask men out and be available to them - she's lovely and has a lot of success with men, but often shorter term, so maybe it is "pick me" advice. She's dated at our age much longer than I have, so I was doubting myself a bit.

I think load of codswallop (with apologies to your friend).

There will always be other women around and if he is so easily swayed by the superficial he's not the man for you.

You've explained it to him, not gone awol.

I did explain it to him. This is the first time since I started online dating that I have not done the texting thing, so I am finding it different, I am used to the daily texting, etc. too but I feel overall calmer for it (apart from worrying that men will disappear if I don't ha ha.) New is often a bit scary.

Another one who thinks your friend is taking crap and expecting you to do the pick me dance.

I can’t think of anything more tedious than daily good morning how are you texts. We’re not teenagers glued to our phones judging someone’s worth by the time it takes to respond. We’re grown adults with lives, families jobs etc.

I only really communicate when there’s actually something to say. If that bothers a man then we can discuss it but if not sending pointless messages daily makes him want to chase other women then off you trot mate.

I think I am the opposite and gone too far the wrong way, lots of conversations in between dates and then anxiously looking at my phone when there is no response. This is creating that intimacy or connection and not actually sure it's real. I don't think this is a good thing.

If they are swayed by others then they are not right for you.

I'd love to be dating someone where I know that there is something between us, building the anticipation for the next date and having that chemistry when we meet. That doesn't stop a cheeky flirty message or some conversation if its right, but it shouldn't be the driver.

So I think, bad advice, but has been super helpful for me to regulate my own thoughts!

Interesting because my impression of men is that they would LOVE a woman not fussed about texting.

Every day a school day!

We managed somehow before mobile phones, I'm not sure I had one until 2001.

Sometimes I think I am not your average man. Far too caring, nice, and can text, although that hasn't done me a huge amount of favours in my previous relationships!

I think texting is individual and depends on both parties.

My first phone was a Nokia 3210 in 1999... Maybe we should just go back to the time our phones were only capable of 160 character text messages and the ability to play Snake.

I realise the "average man" is no more a reality than "the average woman"...

Based on my small sample size, the one who sent daily texts and gushing ‘thinking of you’ messages disappeared without trace after multiple dates whereas the others who texted to make arrangements and the odd check-in behaved normally. So I’m definitely seeing daily messages as a red flag now!

Is anyone else finding it hard to find anyone they like on the apps? I’ve just done a bit of swiping and there were very few right swipes. I can’t seem to find anyone who ticks all the location/ personality / attractiveness boxes. I’m late 40s and on Bumble and Hinge - not sure if Tinder is worth it? I don’t pay for any apps so can’t narrow the searches too much unfortunately.

@Polly1979 based on mine those guys disappear and ghost before the first date! 😅

Early 50s and same x

That's interesting. I shall start to be more aloof and mysterious and hopefully my dates will last longer.

I've never been ghosted if we've met, but plenty of times I have before we've arranged a date. I appreciate my conversational skills might not be up to scratch but I don't quite understand why you ghost before you've met there is nothing to say other than "it's been nice" - its not right to ghost at all, but maybe after a few dates its a harder conversation to have.

I can help with that. Sometimes if we say to a man "I don't feel we gel but all the best" we get abuse.
We haven't signed up for that 😁

That is indeed the question!
He does seem to care about people a lot and has a lot of strong friendships so I’m hoping it’s the former, but that’s definitely what I’m feeling wary of.

I agree with the others. Just be yourself. No point twisting yourself in a pretzel trying to compete with other women, real or imaginary. If you have to do that to keep his attention, it’s not the right fit.