Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I think you wrote it wrong there - "sometimes if we say to a boy..."

A man shouldn't give you abuse, ever.

Haha me too! In fact before I saw this thread, I was considering taking myself out on a date night for one this evening to see it by myself at the cinema.

(I had asked my best friend but she sent me a vomit emoji so I’m thinking it’s a no from her! 😂)

If you do, please can you evaluate the shagometer for me?!!

Yes I think so.

We have spoken about this before but it was a while ago. When we dated briefly in June last year, I got a bit overexcited and ended up taking him home on our first date 😂 After a couple more dates, he told me that while the sex was amazing, he wanted to explore whether we were genuinely compatible as it was important for him to find someone he had a true connection with. So he proposed taking sex off the table for a while, which we did for the following date.

At that point, he had a bit of a stressful life event happen so that was where we paused dating. But it does give me a bit of hope that he’s capable of having the conversation on what he wants now, eight months later.

Hahaha sure thing!

He honestly is lovely and I would definitely want to stay friends with him regardless!

For context, my house is about to go on the market and needs a few things fixing before the open homes. And Mr Nomad was once a builder by trade. So it was a really lovely thing for him to do to help me out, as he knows that organising everything for the house sale is stressing me out right now.

It's a 15 certificate so I can't imagine it's very raunchy.

Mr Hose just ruined it by describing his ex as "the worst person he ever met".

Nope. Nope nope nope. Wish I'd paid attention to that red flag with my ex husband.

Thanks for confirming for me.

All MrX's exes were "crazy" and now I see who made them that way!

Same as my exh. Always the common denominator!

Mr IT ‘didn’t know what he ever saw in his ex’ who he spent 15+ years with and was the mother of his children. As they say, listen to how a man talks about his ex as that’ll be how he’ll be describing you one day.

Crazy exes are the biggest red flag. My last toxic nightmare cited all of his as having either hormonal problems that made them "loony tunes,' and my absolute favourite, "she chased me out of a window with a hammer." TBH after a few months with him I was tempted to go to my tool box 😂

Mr Soughdough only had this to say about his relationships: "they ended with heartache on either side, because don't they always." Nothing personal about the women, just the observation that someone always hurts. I quite liked that.

This 👏

That sounds like a much more reasoned response. I remember a guy I went on a date with a few years ago spent ages ranting about his ex - on a first date! Then he tried to forcibly kiss me as we said goodbye despite me giving zero signals that I wanted to as I definitely didn’t. Later that night he messaged to see if I wanted to go out with him again!

It’s as though they think complaining about another woman will somehow elevate us, which kind of feeds into the patriarchal vibe of them wanting us all to turn on each other - when they are the real problem in this scenario!!

Yes it's to try to get us to prove we're not like the others I think, and a bit of boundary testing - do we let them disrespect other women without challenge.

@rubberduck68 I think Mr Sourdough sounds fab! Im rooting for you. In terms of what your friend said, I think yes there will be people who may chat more with the mundane stuff but you also should have faith in yourself as a decent partner who doesn't need all that. Its quality not quantity. As long as dates are being arranged, that's what counts.

@Polly1979 im a similar age and feeling similarly despondent about the apps. I really dont want to be that 'woman not over her ex' but we split up a year ago and every time I look on the apps, I dont feel anything whereas i was crazy about him. Maybe it's an age thing but in my previous relationships, I was really desired/adored by some really decent men who loved me a lot whereas certainly on Hinge, im hardly getting any likes at all. Its like ive become irrelevant but the reality i feel is that the apps have made people feel jaded.

The arrogant me thinks im not appreciated at all as a partner, and im a bit scared that this signals the end of my dating adventures.

Eesha, that sounds exactly like my experience. Before I was married I had quite a few boyfriends, most of them decent people and I never seemed to be single for long but I haven’t had a relationship since my marriage ended. For a long spell I didn’t want one so it was fine but I feel ready now and struggling to find anyone. I feel like it would be better to meet someone IRL but it never seems to happen. I don’t know what the answer is!

@Polly1979 @Eesha same here.

If cream rises to the top, what sinks to the bottom, the whey(faced) weedy commitment phobic couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag men?

I know the only partner I met on OLD was the worst by miles.

Maybe the answer lies in the wild?

I’m 60 and my OLD experience has been dreadful. Only 10 dates in 4 years, numerous chats that died out, far too many monosyllabic men, even more sleazy creeps and more ghosts than a haunted house.
My last foray into OLD I didn’t get a single match - tbh I only swiped on a handful anyway.

I’ve been single 6 years, I’m very social, have lots of friends and go out regularly and yet only met 4 men un the wild in that time - 1 bombarded me with about 50 messages selfies voice notes etc in 24 hours, 1 was a decade older than he claimed, 1 was a sleaze bucket and the most recent turned out yo be a right wing Tommy Robinson supporter.

I still live in some sort of hope but I’m definitely not holding my breath.

Ive only ever had 4 relationships - a 23 year marriage and the otters were 2/3/4 years. But I had a lot of male attention - even when I was with DH I was always being approached but since I’ve been single it’s tumbleweed.

I think it’s signals that you have strong boundaries and are looking for the right person and not prepared to settle. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen, that just means it will take longer, which is a good thing in the bigger picture. In two years of being back on the apps (on and off and despairing) Mr Soughdough is the only man I’ve kept around long enough for a fourth date. That doesn’t mean we’ll make it to a fifth, but I don’t regret any of the time wasted over the many years of dating, if he turns out to be a keeper.

I’m in trouble guys, Mr Scenester is lovely. I stayed with him last night. We were trying to figure out childcare schedules so we could see each other again soon, we’ve been on the same weekend schedule, then he and his ex do some kind of elaborate arrangement over the half term holidays where they swap things around which and put us out of step. Our schedules will only align on one week night per fortnight from now until October, I can’t change anything cause my ex arranges his work around when he has the kids. I’ve let myself like him and now I think it might just fizzle out, there won’t be much momentum seeing one another once per fortnight will there.

If what he says about the schedules is true, and if it is meant to work out, then it will.

Have you shared your concern with him gently?