Page 5 | Urgent advice

ZippyBlueViper · 2026-01-04T20:31:10+00:00

Hi urgent advice needed, My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared. I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone. We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

Seabreeze18 · 04/01/2026 22:29

You have got this op! Rest up and don’t worry it will all work out!

Pearlstillsinging · 04/01/2026 22:31

kombuchabucha · 04/01/2026 21:50

I have a friend who left her husband under similar circumstances and went to live with her parents. Her husband filed for an order with the courts the next day to try and have the children returned to the family home, as my friend had taken them about a 5 hours drive away from where they had been living as a family to go to her parents. She went with the intention of relocating there permanently, which she has managed to do (her kids were pre-school age at the time). My friend then proceeded to spend over £100k in legal fees fighting his attempt to stop her relocating, agreeing how they would share care and then agreeing the financial settlement she would receive from the divorce.

Despite the distance and his work commitments the kids are with him every other week for 5 days (so 9 days with her, 5 days with him on a fortnightly basis) with school holidays split evenly.

I say this as if you think your split might mean you relocating to be nearer family or other support, brace yourself for the court action he might take and might action very quickly. And maybe think about taking the action first, but if you have no access to money whatsoever I'm not sure this is a goer as I'm sure it costs something to put the court order in.

Also if you do ever get back into the house, (which might not happen unless he's more reasonable when sober and lets you in, as you say you didn't take your keys) and you have any pets, take them with you if you want them and they are yours rather than his or you'll likely never see them again.

As others say, you won't lose your children entirely, but a shared care arrangement with your ex will most likely happen. I guess that could feeling like losing them in a way? My friend had years of evidence of coercive control, verbal domestic abuse and even martial rape and the courts didn't seem to give a crap about it and still allowed her ex 5 days a fortnight with the kids.

Don't mean to scare you, just prepare you!

However things are changing abusive parents will NOT be allowed unsupervised access to their children by family courts, as has been the case previously.

As has been said by PP, there is legal aid available for families subject to domestic abuse. Speak to a solicitor, after speaking to the police and the school.

nex18 · 04/01/2026 22:33

It’s been a while since your last post, I hope that means you have been busy calling the police and Women’s Aid for advice and settling the children to sleep. Make sure the police know what car you’re driving in case he follows through on the threat to report you. Leave a message with the school saying children won’t be in tomorrow and you’ll call them with more information.
Is your phone safe? Not in his name so he can report it stolen and block? Location setting off? Do you have a charger?
We done for keeping yourself and your children safe. Take care.

Ydkiml · 04/01/2026 22:39

Well done for keeping you and your children safe tonight . Lots of advice on here . Try not to panic . Tomorrow things will be clearer x

GlitzAndGigglesx · 04/01/2026 22:42

You won't lose your children trust me. I've been in a similar situation

Lemondessert · 04/01/2026 22:43

Woman’s aid can house you in emergency housing but it may be out of area. Do not go back to the house. They can also help with money, clothes etc. Contact the police. They can return to the house with you when he is not there. You have done the right thing op.

Original poster

ZippyBlueViper · 04/01/2026 22:46

Im on hold to the domestic abuse helpline that someone shared. I've emailed their schools. The comment by kombuchabucha is my worst fear. We've 2 children together and another one that's just mine.
He's only interested in the boy. He does no parenting but when he's mad at me he'll try get son onside by saying come watch a film in bed with daddy mummy can sleep elsewhere etc.
I've paid on my card that he puts money on. It's gone onto an overdraft.
I'm tired and scared
I dunno if I've done right thing. My youngest is less than 6 months old

OP posts:

Fulmine · 04/01/2026 22:47

He's texted saying if i don't return his son by midnight then heaven help me

He's playing into your hands with this sort of text which shows how easily he resorts to threats. Keep a record of all his threats.

ChiliFiend · 04/01/2026 22:48

In addition to the excellent advice you've already received, write everything down that's happened and screenshot all the messages between you and keep the voicemails etc. Include the specific threats he's made. This will come in useful later if it goes to court or if the police are involved. He can own the house etc. but that doesn't mean he gets to call the shots when it comes to your kids - the threat about the kids is classic domestic abuse and it will be recognised as such.

nex18 · 04/01/2026 22:49

You’ve done the right thing

Sallakadoula · 04/01/2026 22:51

You've done the right thing op getting out and staying safe.

Don't go back home.
Don't listen to his horrid threats.

Call a domestic support line like Womens Aid.

Also, call the police and let them know you are safe for the night but scared and he is making threats.

L4ura171986 · 04/01/2026 22:52

He sounds abusive and controlling. You said he’d said that if you ever left he would keep his son using the best solicitor available. It sounds like he has been making you fearful of leaving and unfortunately, this was my father too. He made my mum so scared of leaving (he was an abuse drunk). I remember the night my mum left with me as a 7 year old - I was so scared of him. She was very fearful because he had ground her down with fear and threats and I was the 7 year old that persuaded her to leave. I will never forget that (I am 40). You are a hero for leaving. I really resented my mum for staying for so
long. Your kids will remember how brave you’ve been, even though it feels messy now.

BrendaSmall · 04/01/2026 22:53

ZippyBlueViper · 04/01/2026 20:54

We're not married everything in his name.
He's self employed but should be working tomorrow. I left in a panic and didn't take house keys only grabbed car keys. I literally don't even have any socks on. I just said to kids get in car were going and going now. My plan was to just drive round till he calmed down but he didn't calm down. So i thought shit can't go home so we've come to a hotel.

Hopefully he hasn’t got access to your bank account especially if you paid for the hotel using your card?
Definitely don’t drive anywhere incase it’s true and he has cancelled the insurance

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/01/2026 22:57

ZippyBlueViper · 04/01/2026 22:46

Im on hold to the domestic abuse helpline that someone shared. I've emailed their schools. The comment by kombuchabucha is my worst fear. We've 2 children together and another one that's just mine.
He's only interested in the boy. He does no parenting but when he's mad at me he'll try get son onside by saying come watch a film in bed with daddy mummy can sleep elsewhere etc.
I've paid on my card that he puts money on. It's gone onto an overdraft.
I'm tired and scared
I dunno if I've done right thing. My youngest is less than 6 months old

Once you've finished your calls tonight, and that includes the police, please try to get some rest. You're tired and you need a bit of a recharge to face tomorrow.

Are you in receipt of any maternity allowance/pay? You may have to try to get emergency accommodation tomorrow via the council or a refuge, if you have no family that you could stay with.

He sounds very manipulative. Is your baby a girl?

Please try to rest, but we're all here if you need support xx

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2026 22:59

He wont have called the police or cancelled the insurance.

The police, because they will be asking questions about why you fled and the insurance because it isnt that simple. So dont worry about that.

But you SHOULD call the police. Explain that you have had to flee a domestic abuse situation and you need to return to collect your belongings and you want them to accompany you. And that you want them to arrest him for domestic abuse and coercive control.

Which police force area are you in?

LilWoosmum82 · 04/01/2026 22:59

You inform the school in confidence what has happened in the morning - they may be able to help
You go to the police for help and see what they can do tonight, if they do nothing at least they can record it and download your messages
Do you have any family?

Him threatening you is part of the control

Myfridgeiscool · 04/01/2026 23:00

You’ve done all the right things OP.
You will be fine.
He's saying all the text book things an abuser says to try to scare you, he’ll likely threaten suicide next.
Well done for getting out, it might be a bumpy ride for a while but you will not regret it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2026 23:01

Myfridgeiscool · 04/01/2026 23:00

You’ve done all the right things OP.
You will be fine.
He's saying all the text book things an abuser says to try to scare you, he’ll likely threaten suicide next.
Well done for getting out, it might be a bumpy ride for a while but you will not regret it.

Yes, I would imagine that within the next hour or so he will have "taken some pills".

Funny how many men who threaten to kill themselves are still spreading their abuse throughout the world.

SisterMaryImmaculate · 04/01/2026 23:02

You have absolutely done the right thing.

You’re in a lonely, scary position right now but remember there are hundreds of women following this thread cheering you on.

Lean on the wise women here and listen to the advice of all those who have been in your shoes and who know that tonight you’ve taken the first step towards a better life for you and your kids.

You can do this OP. A man who threatens his wife and scares his children is a fucking skidmark who doesn’t deserve to occupy your head or your heart for a second longer.

💐

TwattyMcFuckFace · 04/01/2026 23:02

ZippyBlueViper · 04/01/2026 22:46

Im on hold to the domestic abuse helpline that someone shared. I've emailed their schools. The comment by kombuchabucha is my worst fear. We've 2 children together and another one that's just mine.
He's only interested in the boy. He does no parenting but when he's mad at me he'll try get son onside by saying come watch a film in bed with daddy mummy can sleep elsewhere etc.
I've paid on my card that he puts money on. It's gone onto an overdraft.
I'm tired and scared
I dunno if I've done right thing. My youngest is less than 6 months old

My youngest is less than 6 months old

If all you grabbed was your car keys, do you have nappies etc in the car to last you?

Lyraloo · 04/01/2026 23:03

He’s trying, and succeeding in frightening you into doing what he wants. Call the police tonight and log that you have left the family home because your husband was abusive and frightened you and your child.
do not worry about school tomorrow, ring them and explain what’s happening. You will not lose your child because he has more money and a better solicitor. The police will pass on your details to social services and a social worker will come out and do an assessment for you. It will be very much in your favour that you have removed your dc from an abusive situation and you don’t want to go back to it.
get some sleep and in the morning spend some time detailing what happened, other instances and all the threats regarding custody, money, and your car. This amounts to coercive behaviour.

MadinMarch · 04/01/2026 23:03

I don't want to alarm you further, but is there any possibility that he would be able to trace which hotel you're at through the credit/debit card you used to pay for it?
You may need to warn the hotel staff to be vigilant and not to give your room number out under any circumstances.

viking11 · 04/01/2026 23:03

Children's social worker here. So sorry to hear what you are going through. As others have said children's services will look to support you and protect the children. You are doing everything right, please do contact the police to report the abuse. Good luck.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 04/01/2026 23:04

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2026 22:59

He wont have called the police or cancelled the insurance.

The police, because they will be asking questions about why you fled and the insurance because it isnt that simple. So dont worry about that.

But you SHOULD call the police. Explain that you have had to flee a domestic abuse situation and you need to return to collect your belongings and you want them to accompany you. And that you want them to arrest him for domestic abuse and coercive control.

Which police force area are you in?

He wont have called the police or cancelled the insurance.

He may have, so the OP should be ready for this, especially if he cancels the insurance.

Just in case.

JanFebAndOnwards · 04/01/2026 23:07

If you need anything for the kids eg nappies or milk, social services can provide OP.

Do you have a separate bank account? Joint?

Hope you all get some sleep tonight. 💐 😴