Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

Fuck sake @kombuchabucha now is not the time for this.

@kombuchabucha too early! Safety for now, not worrying about ifs and maybes.

OP, this is 1 person's experience, please do not be put off and always continue to put your children's wellbeing at the forefront. Take all the help on offer - school, CSC, Women's Aid, police.

And just to counteract @kombuchabucha 's scaremongering comment. My best friend fled with her child (similar type of guy, drunk, verbally abusive/threatening), he has nothing whatsoever to do with the child, no contact, at all.

We don't know what the future will hold for Zippy, but one thing we can all agree on is that she's done the absolute smartest thing tonight by fleeing with her children and herself now in safety. Let's praise her for that.

Op, ignore that comment! I used to see a woman from cahms. She fled with her kids one night with nothing but the clothes on their backs, not even coats in the middle of winter. She forged a successful career for herself and had sole custody of the children from day 1. You can do this, stay strong.

Your adrenaline is pumping and you’re in ‘fight or flight’ mode at the moment, which means it will be very difficult to make longer term decisions. One step at a time:

1. get kids settled
2. contact trusted friend or relative and tell them where you are (but warn them not to tell him)
3. write down (in notes app if you don’t have paper etc) exactly what happened tonight. Stick to the facts. Include quotations if you can remember them. Do this while it is fresh in your mind.
4. file an online report with police explaining you have left family home for your own safety and ask for an appointment to report threatening behaviour for tomorrow
5. use ‘edulink’ or whatever app your DC’s school uses to report that they won’t be in tomorrow. Send email asking the DSL (designated safeguarding lead) to call you
6. write another list of the things you need to do tomorrow

Youre doing brilliantly. You got yourself and your kids to safety. Well done.

Try women's aid
Ring them now

Definitely report him to the Police - keep those text messages and make a note of any calls including the time.

Just to add, keep the texts threatening you with the loss of your car and denying you access to the kids. And remember that although he didn't hit you, co-ersive control in a relationship - - including threats - is a serious crime

Don’t worry about school. If they involve SS it will be because of your drunken (ex?) “D”P. Not because you removed them from a violent situation. And if the kids don’t go for a day or two (or more) that’ll be fine as PP said. Their safety is paramount.

Please do call the police ASAP as PP suggested so they can put this on record. I read a thread recently where the poster called them and they arrested her DH and put him in a cell for the night. And for a lot less!

Then Women’s Aid. They were very helpful with me. And call a friend or family member who can offer moral support right now.

Sending love. Been in a difficult situation recently and genuinely feel for you. But you’ve done the right thing 💛

Please report him to the police tonight. I believe you can arrange for them to chaperone you to collect things too.
It will mean social services involvement, yes, but that is a good thing because they will know from the start that you will do anything to keep your children safe!
Screenshot everything

OP you have been incredible in getting yourself and the kids out of their at the first sign of aggression. Get ahead of this now, don't let him put you on the back foot where authorities come to you asking questions. Ring the police and tell them what he's done and said so it's on record. Ring the school first thing in the morning and speak to safeguarding. Then ring womens, aid for support. Keep the texts and try to write down any other instances if him being verbally, emotionally abusive or threatening/aggressive behaviour

You report it to the police to have it on file. You phone the school in the morning and explain. They need to know but you need to be up front don't can't be used against you You then get someone to help you get your stuff, a friend anyone. Get advice from women's aid.

You need a good support network around you too OP. Speak with family and close friends. Your head will be all over the place atm. You need someone to advocate for you and be there for emotional support. It’s easy to start doubting yourself, so it’s good to have voices of reason around you to give you strength and support.

@ZippyBlueViper I have worked in a domestic abuse refuge with women who came in with their children with only the clothes on their backs. Women’s Aid will be able to help you and if necessary find a place in a Women’s Refuge. They will then help you with all the necessities and help with sorting out benefits , assistance from police to retrieve stuff from the home and link you with a solicitor who will be well versed about domestic abuse. But you need to make those phone calls to the Police and Women’s Aid to start getting things in place for you and the children.
For tonight, you need rest as you are in fight or flight mode so not able to make big decisions. But tomorrow you can start getting things in place and making the phone calls. Sending a hug 💐

You are fucking amazing, OP. A hero. Your kids are so lucky to have you.

It's terrifying at the moment, I know, but this is the first night of the rest of your life away from your abuser. What a wonderful thing that is.

Get in touch with Women's Aid, they saved my life and supported me to begin living a lovely new one with the DC. Ups and downs along the way but we never looked back.

You have all my admiration. Good luck 💐

Hi OP, just wanted to say, that is not even remotely likely to happen. Speak to Women's Aid for advice, they can signpost you to services that will help you. You can get emergency housing and apply for UC and a bridging loan until the UC comes through. Try and get some rest tonight, don't reply to any of his messages and save them all as evidence.

You've been really brave and got you and your children to safety, tomorrow you can sort out some help and speak to the school. One day at a time, you will get there 💐

Can you speak to womens aid? They are brilliant & can tell you logical next steps/what will happen. I was a child in a dv home & we left the house in the middle of the night & missed school, nobody ever threatened to remove us from my mums care. She was keeping us safe & you are doing the same for your kids. I hope you have the strength not to go back - this man is abusive and abuse is not love. People who love you don't threaten you & you are worth so much more.

This is a very, very miscalculated post at this time. There is a flight situation here and no case is the same. Badly judged.

OP you are incredibly brave and other posters have offered excellent advice about accessing support and services which I won't add to. 💕

That's not a common thing

Op can do this

No need to scare in any way

You absolutely HAVE to report this. Every thing you do now has to be documented for you and the kids future safety. Every time something like this happens. The sooner you start the safer they’ll be.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. Domestic violence support | Webguide and contact details

We're also going to move your thread to our Relationships board now.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

well done on walking out the door, your kids will thank you for this in the long run and recognise what a brave woman you are. Leave this awful man behind you and save yourself and your children from years of abuse and emotional harm. Call Women’s Aid, they are experts in this situation.

Also, don’t let him intimidate or manipulate you. He’s talking total shit and using scare tactics. He’ll be ramping it up because he’s lost control.

Remember that there doesn’t need to be physical force. The harm to you and the kids comes from the power being used to dominate or diminish you psychologically. It sounds like he’s emotionally and financially abusive to say the very least.

If you’re protecting your children they won’t be taken off you. Social services will look favourably on you for removing them and yourself from that situation.
you need to call the police though this evening and have this incident noted as it will go in your favour and support your case.
can you not stay with family for a few days? You need to speak to him without the children present when he is calm and sober and I recommend doing that in a public place for your own safety

Yes. Please put this well meaning post to one side. For a start, you can likely receive legal aid, so don’t let that worry you. I received it and I’d say my circumstances were slightly better because I did have access to money. Based on my research, you would be entitled. But god don’t worry about any of that for now. A drunken and disorderly buffoon won’t be getting far with his expensive lawyer…