Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

We can help you make a plan x

@ZippyBlueViper

Many women don't successfully leave the first time. Please don't beat yourself up. You're simply trodding a well worn path that many others have trodden before you. Don't give up. Please, please don't give up. You'll get there.

Contact WA or whatever DV organizations you can find. They can help you leave quietly and safely.

I suggest that right now if possible you put together 'go bags' for yourself and DC. Pack a change of clothing, any meds, important papers if you can, and enough cash for a night's lodging and/or for 'transport' (bus/train fare, fuel for car). Then hide them well or get them out of the house to a friend's or relative's if possible. If you can't do that, then try to 'stage' these things; clothing put together in one drawer, meds in a central location, cash hidden, satchel or bag (even carrier bags) so all you have to do is grab quickly and go. If you'll leave by car, never let your keys out of your sight and put them somewhere secure at night. Also keep your phone fully charged. These are things you can do now, some of them if not all.

You'll get yourself and DC out, breathe deep and do what you can until you have the needed help and/or the opportunity presents itself.

Call the police. Tell them you need to leave and he won't let you. They will help.

My heart goes out to you - don't blame yourself, the guilt is all his. Although this was predictable, these men can be very, very convincing when talking women round - women often take several attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
You can escape, but you will need to plan carefully and placate him in the meantime - pretend he's forgiven again, until he drops his guard. Can you rely on your family member again?

Thank you everyone i was expecting horrible comments on what an idiot I've been for going back. Thank you for all your kind words.
He's acted like nothing has happened today. No mention of it at all, given me my mother's day presents with lots of do you love them, aren't we good to you etc. Then been for a day out to my favourite place. It didn't feel special like it normally does there just felt tainted. He's been mr happy. Whistling and stuff. Me and my eldest have felt sick all day. I've been so careful not to set him off again even though i want to scream how dare you whistle and act like normal after last night's hell.
I've kept it together so the kids don't have to witness yet another incident.
We're going for a meal out tonight which hes booked for 7pm which is too late for the little ones so will be difficult and hoping that won't trigger him.
Access is what I'm most worried about.
I've spoken to my friend last night who had a pretty good idea of what was going on anyway and she said she'll come with me to a different solicitor to the one i rung last time and find out more about what i can do about the kids. She says because he has a criminal record for gbh even though it was 10 years ago that will go in my favour and show he's got history of being aggressive. He only got a suspended sentence though.

Most women take several attempts to leave.

But you NEED to leave because otherwise you risk your life - that's how serious it is.

It seems like you understand it this time. You only let your kids down if you don't recognise the pattern and how easy it is to 'give him another chance' until it's too late

Don't let it be too late. Right now it's not. Yet.

Stop worrying about the solicitor.My friend is going through a similar thing to you. The police removed him from the house. He’s not allowed to see the kids until all the domestic violence stuff is sorted first. Please call the police and women’s aid. Do not wait until you’ve seen a new solicitor.

I'm so sorry he let you down again OP.

I don't have any further practical advice on getting away from him this time, other than maybe to add a few items to the list to the grab bag, such as anything that's irreplaceable like if you have a keepsake box of things for your kids (footprint imprints from when they were a baby, curl from first haircut, cards they've made for you at school etc) or anything else that is dear to you. Assume you'll never be able to go back to the house again and pack accordingly.

As long as you get away safely, maybe going back once to give him a chance wasn't a bad thing - you sounded really doubtful about leaving last time and now you know for sure it's the right thing to do for you and your children and you'll never wonder if you made the right decision again.

I really hope you get out safely soon. If you have time keep us posted.

Solicitors are not the judge or the law tbh. Best thing is you report him to police so you have a better case of restricting contact via a contact centre and you don’t have to see him either. Don’t get me wrong, a solicitor knows the law but at the end of the day Cafcass, social services and the police have a lot of input into future contact. You don’t need to consult a solicitor to leave. You have parental rights and you can leave if you are under threat. Like last night - you were under threat. He doesn’t have to beat you for it to be domestic violence or abuse.

100% this x

Don’t worry about access - he won’t bother when the reality of parenting on his own kicks in. The priority right now is your safety and that of the kids.

Next time he is drunk / abusive / punching doors film / record him.

Practice doing this so casually / surreptitiously that he doesn’t notice.

Then go straight to the police. Straight to the police! Get an injunction or prohibited steps order against him (whatever is best)

Have your cash stash stored somewhere you can get access if you have to leave fast.

He has messed with your head, he is threatening and frightening you with things you can easily protect yourself against. That is how emotional abuse works.

BUT you are allowed to end the relationship and leave at any time.

Get support and advice from Women’s Aid.

Of course he's happy, lovely! As far as he's concerned nothing has happened. You're over your 'tantrum' and are firmly back in your box. My estranged DH used to do the whistling thing, too. To tell you the truth that cut me just as much as his words did. To be so happy that I 'came crawling' (because that's the way they see it) after the way he'd treated me was excruciating. It was an expression of his feeling of superiority and contempt and my 'proper' place way down the rungs of his ladder.

But you and I know better, don't we? You are NOT back in your box. You're simply biding your time. Never forget that. So let him whistle and strut. Because you'll be whistling and strutting as you leave for good, when the time is right. So for now, keep silent and let him think what he wants. The element of surprise is still on your side.

I'm glad your friend is going to see a new solicitor with you. She'll be your second set of ears. If you get a chance, sit down with her and write down a list of the questions you want to ask. She may be able to add some to the list. And during the visit she can prompt you if you forget something as well as jot down notes. I've done that for friends and my son has done it for me. Two heads are better than one.

I’ve just reread all your post.

The vague plan he mentioned if it didn’t work out if you came back etc, about him moving or you and the dc moving into his rental will not work, he will still have control it will be very stressful especially when the kids get older he’d be threatening you with eviction every time you scratch your nose in a way he doesn’t like.

what’s with the your business being in his name so you don’t pay tax thing? Do you work? Do you have your own business you should be paying tax as a matter of course. If possible can you get to a point where you have your own money coming in. Either a job or self employed but not linked to him.

I think your ideal would be to stay near your relative but that’s in a different school district and he’d block the school move? Is that right? If this is the case make sure you document everything, save any texts etc. and prepare to speak to the police and or a solicitor as to how you can move forward with this.

The logistics are a bit messy at the moment but you can do this. Can you leave today rather than drop the dc at school sneak your bags into the car and go.

mn ladies are brilliant at helping plan things like this. You have a huge anonymous following here cheering you on and in many cases giving experience of how they’ve come out the other side. You can do this.

I do hope everything was ok last night, you sounded so nervous :(

OP YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
whether that is staying with family or calling Refuge and getting into a Refuge.
you AND your children are experiencing abuse.
courts will look at WHO PROTECTED THE CHILDREN.

If you leave, that is you.

dont be scared you must leave now.

How are you OP? xx