Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

Once you’ve got off the phone please call the police. It’s so important to get this recorded.

You’ve done the hardest bit OP - leaving. That is the hurdle so many can’t get over. You’re out now, never go back. Only forward. The next year will be tough but you can get through it. Pull on every bit of support you can - family, trusted friend, community organisations. The Clothing Bank will be able to send you clothing bundles and priorities women leave DV. Speak to school, speak to the local authorities and social care. Show them his messages. Neither way are your children fully protected from him, but honestly exposing them to him by living together is the worst possible scenario.

Op you'll be overwhelmed and on panic mode at the moment, just take a second to breathe. Right now you and the kids are safe, just take a moment to let that sink in. There is help out there, but tonight you just need to be safe. It sounds like you're not currently working and don't have access to any money? One of the first things to do tomorrow is put a claim in for universal credit as a single parent, once your claim is accepted you'll be able to claim an advance payment which will give you access to funds. If you can't sleep you could even do it tonight as it's online. Others have already given you advice on contacting police and domestic abuse help, but you've taken the first step to freedom, well done x

Have you ever tried to cancel an insurance policy?

He may have cancelled the direct debit, but that will be it (and that doesnt mean that the inusrance is cancelled, it wont be until after the next payment is due). Someone that pissed will not be capable of navigating the online nightmare of actually cancelling.

And he wont have reported it stolen. He is just kicking off and trying to frighten her. Its what they do. As a PP said, very soon it will be the suicide threats.

You don't know this man and you don't have a crystal ball.

All I'm saying is the OP needs to think about these things rather than blithely accepting he won't call the police or cancel the insurance.

No I dont but I do have (sadly) a lot of experience of men like this.

@ZippyBlueViper my ex was abusive and I had to get out. He wouldn’t let me back in the property for three months. He also threatened to take the kids and get custody of them. He actually called social services and told them I was an unfit mother. They did come and talk to me and found nothing wrong. No further action. I got the impression this was not an uncommon scenario with abusive men. He didn’t get custody!!!

Oh love.

Firstly, you absolutely CAN do this. You have been so incredibly brave.

I did the exact same thing just over 10 years ago. I walked out in what me and my child were wearing. I had £7. Thats it.

You have options. There are organisations and a safety net.

Massive handhold from someone who has been there. Please reach out if you would like to.

I am sending you and your children so much strength

You've done the right thing. Try to just breathe. One thing at a time. Just take it minute by minute for now.

You're going to be alright

Social services won't take your kids away. You've shown that you are a responsible parent by removing them from a dangerous situation. That goes a long way with SS. Hang on in there.

I’m sure @kombuchabucha meant well, but like a lot of people who are only trying to help, they often put their foot right in it, right at the wrong time and cause more problems than they solve. The only people you need to be paying attention to right now are the police, Women’s Aid and your solicitor (and not necessarily in that order).

I can’t tell you if you’ve done the right thing or not. I can tell you that I grew up with domestic violence. It is not a nice childhood and it affects you well into adulthood. I was in my forties before I realised I wasn’t terrified of my father any more (and only because he was dying and so was quite frail). I wish my mum had done what you have done.

You can do this. It will be difficult and it will be scary and you won’t be treating yourself to any long haul holidays any time soon, but it is better to live in a refuge on benefits and feel truly safe, than to be a child just waiting for that subtle shift in atmosphere. Take it a day at a time.

This is what you should do. They may well have access to free legal advice as well so you know where you stand with property etc. He may or may not be bluffing but don't take the chance. Report the incident and texts to the police after you have spoken to Womens Aid. There will be a Domestic Abuse advocate at womens Aid who can guide you through what you need to do. Dont telephone non emergency 101, calls are not always logged. Contact Womens Aid on the national helpline and professionals will support you including the children's attendance at school and answer any questions you may have. Good luck and don't come back on here for advice as some of it is just plain wrong.

You have done the right thing, I’ve been where you are and I totally understand the fear and panic. Get some sleep tonight and things will seem clearer in the morning. You absolutely will not get in trouble with school and trust me he won’t get the kids even if everything is in his name.

From what you’ve written this clearly isn’t a one off so please lean on family and friends. It’s hard leaving, it’s hard starting again but trust me it’s worth it. Even if you don’t feel up to it now pls log with 101 and screenshot his msgs in case he sobers up and deletes them.

The police will offer support and honestly I felt so much better speaking to them and being heard and it will forever be logged now. I’ve been divorced just over a year and both kids live with me full time, he is still a nightmare to deal with but the difference is I don’t have to put up with it now and neither do you.

Big hugs, pls keep coming back here for support!

Screenshot all the messages in case he deleted them. You did the right thing. Schools often have spare uniform that parents can have in times of need. Lean on your family for help. Wishing you peace xx

I don't have any useful advice, OP, but I just wanted to offer you a handhold. 💐💐 Sending you hugs xxx

Many, many women before you have escaped similar situations and their lives have been the better for it. It will all be Ok.

I also had an abusive marriage. We didn't have children, so I can't comment on that part. However, I cannot describe to you the utter bliss of being free of an abusive male. It feels lie Christmas has come every day.

You've done the right thing. It's dreadfully hard now, but things can only improve from here.

No advice except keep checking in here, there’s a lot of women here with good advice. You’ve taken the hardest step already, well done you. The next days, weeks even months are not going to be easy but you and your children are right at the start of rebuilding a better life 💐

You’re not married, that makes it simpler in many ways. You can apply for child support from him.

Keep asking people who are helping you like womens aid and social services what other support might be available locally. They can often signpost or refer you to other groups and charities.

@kombuchabucha So the dad lives a 5 hour drive from the kid but he has them every other week for five days? How does that work? The kid would have to go to two different schools, surely? Which I've never heard of happening.

I agree - OP is a complete hero! Or, #shero!

You said you were in a hotel - they'll have a phone charge lead I'm sure.

Big hug @ZippyBlueViper I know from experience that this will not have been the first time he’s come home and proceeded to be an abusive ogre, but you’ve taken control and made the decision that it will be the last time you have to endure it by leaving. You know that nothing will change him, so stick to your guns. Right now you are in the eye of the storm, safe but insecure, it is still better than hearing his abuse. You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Don’t be scared or ashamed of the involvement of any ‘authority’ organisations, you’ve done nothing wrong and you will be supported. In the coming days he will no doubt try to gaslight you that you have overreacted etc. you know the truth. You’ve been very brave to put up with it so far, now use that courage to plan for a new, peaceful life.

Contact women’s aid

Womens aid had me on hold for ages then a message came on saying they were too busy to take my call and to try again later so will try tomorrow.
Will call them and police tomorrow.
I'm hoping to try get back into house tomorrow to get some things.
Your messages saying you got out and made it work are giving me hope because right now I'm so scared
I'm freezing cold and can't stop shaking but think it's stress rather than the room being cold.
God im scared and it all feels such a mess and so hard

When I had to call woman’s aid I had to keep ringing and ringing and they eventually answered. It will be just as busy tomorrow as it is now unfortunately.

For DV/DA you can get access to Legal aid which will pay for your lawyer. Make sure to screenshot his messages, go to the police to report him and keep any paperwork. You can then ask your lawyer to process a NMO (non-molestation order). Call your local authorities and explain that you are homeless and need emergency accommodation for you and the children.
Also, ask the police to escort you home so that you can safely pack your belongings.
Good luck! it is a tough situation but in time you will be fine.

Best to involve the police . I think you did the right thing and social services would agree also.