Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

It's mot ur word against his if u have all his text message. Even just recording g it with them give u ammunition you desperately need right now!

So we can add sexual abuse to the list too. 😢

Don't go back op.

SS wouldn't force you to return to a home that's abusive. You have safe accomodation with a relative in X area. His rights to block a school move would be cancelled out by the fact you had to flee in the night for your safety. Which is one of the reasons why we were all urging you to get it on record. 😔

Don't go back. Stay strong.

If calling police or SS sounds scary, is there any other professional you'd feel okay to chat with?? A health visitor? A teacher? A nursery worker? Anyone in yours or your kids loves that you feel comfortable talking to?

@ZippyBlueViper

Please contact the police and file reports. You need to start creating paperwork that he is an abuser.

And do NOT go back. He won't change, they never do. They just get more controlling once they realize that you will leave them and that you have a place to go when you do.

@ZippyBlueViper
I do hope you're okay. It takes women a while to leave an abuser, you are bound to feel conflicted.
Please do come back on here to post for company and contact. It won't matter if you have gone back for now, we are here to listen.

I also have 1st hand experience of this. 8 yrs of family courts and 4 court cases. My ex took our daughter when she was 2, moved house and I didn't see her for 6 weeks until i went to court. However he was and still is a copper so they allowed him to leave work to avoid being presented with the court order. In this time he got his own and slapped me one with loads of false allegations. I them spent the next 13 months only seeing her for 5 hrs, 3 times a week. I had to have a psychological assessment and ultimately got more access in the end. However, over the next 6 yrs he wore her down saying i was a bad mum and at 8 she went to live with him. She's 16 now. He had the money. He took her to Disney Orlando twice in a year .
I'm now rebuilding a relationship with her but the damage to her and me is done!

Agree with this 100%. Don’t feel alone or fear judgement if you’ve gone back. Here to support you x

Forget school my friend done the same she went to nearest open church was a Methodist church, nowadays they have food banks and offer help financially benefits etc I use to work in one, there are loads of people who can help you , where are you travelling to have you made that decision yet

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your children post anytime let us know you are all safe and have found help ,

Hello zippy you should contact national domestic abuse helpline tell them your situation let them know it's urgent you will need a safe house for yourself and the children 08082000247 or refuge 0207 395 7700 call this first for women and children they will help you , message back on forum tonight let us know how you got on , all the best you are not alone, is there a church near you to go in and ask for help or call refuge where it is safe

Hello again zippyblueviper you are doing a fantastic job putting your children and your self first , you will make it ,we are all rooting for you 💗 💗 💗

@ZippyBlueViper do let us know how you're getting on, regardless of the decision you made.

There's no shame or judgement if you did go back, would just be good to hear that you're okay.

I went back. Everyone was right. He was very overally nice for a month, then it started slipping. And last night was bad. Came home drunk. Was vile swearing and gold my face in front of the kids. Punched a door. I tried to leave with kids and like everyone said he wouldn't let me this time. I said i was taking kids to shop for crisps he said he doesn't trust me and insisted on coming in the car with me.
I've let the kids down badly and now I'm totally screwed.
Im waiting for him to wake up to see what today brings. I've never felt worse in my life and i know it's all my own fault.
I've ruined the kids lives and now there's no hope. Part of me wishes he'd really hurt me physically then he'd go to prison

There is hope. You need to keep your head down and plan. You can do this. You are still able to get online (but do be careful). He will let his guard down when it calms. But you must leave because that next time when he hurts you he might kill you. That leaves the children in a very dangerous position.

Today might not be the day. He will be watching you. Take care x

You haven’t let the kids down he has. Good luck OP I’ve been where you are and now I am free, my home is peaceful and my children aren’t witnessing me being bullied by an angry man. You can do it too, it isn’t easy, don’t be hard on yourself.

You can do this. Contact woman’s aid and make a plan to leave. It may be little steps but you can do this.

You have not let the kids down, you kindly trusted that he might have a better nature but he doesn’t. He may be now a lot more controlling and there will be less opportunities to leave. However another time he goes out again at night, just leave with the kids. Get in touch with women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline. And please remember that his behaving was very threatening at any time and you can call the police. They will take it very seriously. A great many women that have been abused do give chance after chance but we eventually leave. Keep posting for support. No one right now if thinking oh I was right, we are all thinking let’s help her get safe. Sending you a big hug x

You can leave OP, you’ve got to do it safely though, speak to womens aid if you are able to.
If you just need to walk out the door with the kids, do it and call the police.
Stay safe OP.

You can do it OP. Start making a plan. Have you got a friend or family member that can help you? Start packing a bag that you can grab and go. I second contacting Women’s Aid for advice.

Please involve the police.
Please tell them of his regularly raping you too.
Sex without consent is rape.

Tell them about the constant forced sex and the financial abuse.
Staying silent is not helping your children.
Tell the full horror of life with him to the police.
You can do this, for your children.

Do you take the children to school? If so, take them as normal tomorrow and ask to speak to the school family worker if there is one, or the designated safeguarding lead. Either should help you. Or if he goes to work can you pack some stuff and go whilst he’s at work tomorrow? Essentials like passports and birth certificates if you know where they are and absolute basics. You can do this, please leave- you are worth 100 of him and you do not need him.

It's not your fault love. It's his. Stay safe and I hope you can get out.

You can do this. You just have to do it safely.

You haven’t let your children down, he has. It’s not too late, you WILL get out and you WILL be happy again. Have you someone that can help you in real life? Someone you can speak to and who would let you and the children stay with them? He will have to leave you at home alone at some point, and when he does take your chance.

Returning after leaving in the hopes it will get better happens so many times. It can take multiple attempts to actually leave for good.

your time this year has not been wasted. You’ve learnt from it, you’ve become stronger although it won’t feel like it right now and he’s shown what he’s like.

over the next few days or weeks whichever works for you, bide your time.

You really do need legal advice and women’s aid. You need somewhere safe to live. You also need some advice on keeping you safe whilst considering custody and schooling for the dc.

Don’t get caught up in beating yourself up and feeling ashamed for going back, it will just sap your strength and distract you from getting you and the kids away from him. You believed in his better nature and he didn’t deliver - that’s on him, not you. At least now you know for sure he won’t and can’t change, and you can use this knowledge to fuel your determination to leave.

He’ll be watching more carefully now, but there will still be opportunities - when he goes out, when you take the kids to school. Be prepared. Gather the basics you need and have them to hand. When you can leave, you must report him to police, including the rapes. They will likely arrest him, giving you more time to go back to the property and gather more things.

PP’s suggestion of speaking to the school safeguarding lead is good. You can shelter at school while the police are called.

It’s a hard step to take, but posters here will help you with a plan. Once the hard step is taken, after the initial period, things will get a million times better for you and your lovely children.

Just imagine what life will be like for you and them just one year after leaving - close your eyes and imagine what that feels like - he isn’t around, there’s no walking on eggshells, no fear for your or the kids, waking up each morning knowing how you feel won’t suddenly change for the worse based on his whims. The freedom. Feels so good, doesn’t it? That’s what’s waiting for you and the kids once you leave.