Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

Follow advice of so many mumsnetters here!
Good luck - you will be happy without this horrible man!

I'm not doing okay feel like I'm having a major wobble. It's the thought of the future etc i keep thinking that there's no clear path of what to do. No fix. No solution.

He might be “nice” for a while but given the fact that you are clearly experiencing coercive control and financial abuse, that will
be short lived - he’s got you by the hooks. Stay strong! Like I said, my mum stayed with my dad for so much longer than she should, and I really resented her for it. Please don’t go back

An hour at a time, if that’s too much 5 mins at a time. If you get through that give yourself a hug

it want to sorted all at once that woukd need a miracle and unrealistic
your safe,warm,food and most of all with your kids

your NOT saying if he has been texting you ?!
if he hasn’t - then he’s not that bothered
He is NOT going to change and deep down I think you know that
you need to look at the bigger picture
is this how you want to live for the next 20 yrs
running around after him ?
what about when he needs more care in the future years ?

Report it to the police so it’s on file. If be does go to court you have a record of it.
ask them to escort you go home and get some stuff

Your children are relying on you to keep them out of harms way. Stay strong OP, lean on your support, this will pass and you have a bright future ahead of you, free from fear if you keep your resolve.

You and dc will only be protected if you report to police.
Please do so tomorrow.

This is the hardest bit- no adrenaline/ fight-flight response to power you through. You just need to breathe, hold your children close, and focus on the things you do to survive, the basic things. Feed them, and you. Cuddle them, love them, let them love you. Everything else will happen when it happens. For now, let you and them know in your bones and guts that you’re safe. Extend your exhale so that it’s one or two beats longer than your inhale. Do this lying on your back or with your back supported, if you can. It will help your nervous system to settle. As you breathe slowly out, see if you can find some tense area and soften it a little bit.

Lots of love to you. You’re strong enough to deal with this.

Your children only have you to keep them safe . They are not safe in that house and neither are you . You owe it to your children to leave him and not allow him to control , be nasty , to you anymore . The longer you leave it to leave him , the older your boy will be and the longer he will have to manipulate your boy against you . He is only young now so run away as fast and as far as you can . Or you can go back , make your children and yourself live on constant edge , with abuse but don’t be surprised when he turns your son against you and then you have a lot more to deal with than now . Please stay strong

OP hats off to you, you're amazing to have done what you've done so far.

As PPs said, create a police record of his threats. Try to get through to women's aid.

The prospect of a custody battle with a dominant, wealthy man who doesn't mind lying is terrifying. But threatening to 'get his son off you' when you're clearly the main carer won't work in his favour in court. Keep all the nasty messages.

Easy it won't be, but you'll get through this.

@ZippyBlueViper I really wasn't trying to scare you, was just trying to help you get on the front foot as I am sure it's not an easy time to think straight and of all the possibilities.

I understand why others have said it was too early for my comment, but my friend really regretted that she didn't put a court order in first as it meant she had to attend court at very short notice multiple times in the town that she'd left (over 5 hours away). Her biggest regret now the court stuff is settled is that she's lost her beloved pet (which is the thing that really still hurts her). There's only a small window to act on these things, I didn't want you to miss it OP.

Glad you managed to get into your house today and you're now with relatives, I hope they're taking good care of you.

Re your wobble, my friend went back to her ex after the first time she left (this was not the time the court action followed the day after) and the marital rape happened in that window before she left for good.

Aside from losing her pet and the general hassle of co-parenting with an ex, my friend is happy and thriving now with a lovely new boyfriend who loves her and treats her so well.

Stay strong, don't go back - you have made the right decision for you and your children. You'll only have to do this all over again in a few weeks or months if you do go back.

Please don’t think like that. Believe me, men like him do not change. Yes he might for a week or two, put on a front, pretend he’s different, but the slightest thing will eventually set him off again and knowing that you will leave will make it really dangerous for you and your children.
I work at the courts and my daughter is a social worker, we hear stories like yours over and over and the men never change. It always gets worse. You need a cuddle from your kids not a violent bully.

Big Hug to support you. Please Please report this to the Police NOW. This is the most dangerous time for you and your DCs and you really need Police protection. He will be mentally planning his revenge and will carry it out sooner rather than later. You will be lured into his lair along with your DCs. Untold harm might come to you all if you relent now. Do not believe his promises of improved behaviour it is only a ruse. Protect your DCs and yourself tonight.

The best way to protect your DC is to report it to the police so they have a report trail. Otherwise it will just be your word against his. Protect yourself and your DC. Report now.

I know it’s difficult op. But he has been abusive to you and your children including financial control. Leaving now will give your young children a chance to not be affected by his behaviour. If it goes to court you can request he has supervised contact. I have found it easier to be free and build a life for myself. You can do this op just take a day at a time.

My Mother endured severe domestic violence from my Father for years. When I was 10, she left him. Yes, it was unsettling for all of us, but I remember quite vividly being placed in a Hostel in the next town, and it felt like a holiday being away from that man.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. There are services who will support you, and your children. You will be made a priority by your local Council as you are fleeing domestic violence. They may even advise you present to a different Council out with the area, for your safety. Like others have said, please make your situation know to the Police, keep all evidence as screen shots.

Thinking of you, and your Children. You can do this!

You will be ok op. Please do not go back to him. Did you manage to get through to Womens Aid? Stay safe x

OP that was my mum and stepdad. A few times she left and took us and we never got far or for long. He always turned up full of apologies and we went back. It was years of torture. Don't run out of your home with your children in fear just to return our office more fear and get sucked into that same cycle. Believe me, it IS torture.

You can report this online to the police @ZippyBlueViper it’ll take you 5 minutes. You might need this evidence in the future.
You need to keep your DC and yourself safe.
www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/

You got this op

Been there

It's hell

But day by day your life gets better and better

The feeling of freedom and having your kids safe is 10/10

The best feeling ever
Please keep posting
The greatest people on earth helped me on here I had no clue

Don't return
I did and he want on to try and kill all of us
That's what these Fckers do !!!

So so sorry xxxxxxx

One thing. So many women return time and time again to abusive spouses. There are hundreds of posts supporting you not to but leaving will be one of the hardest things you will do even with huge support.

If you do go back to him, keep posting so we know you are ok and we can keep supporting you.

It is so so normal to have a wobble. This is the toughest thing you will ever do.

Keep safe, and keep posting. You are on a tough journey whatever you decide to do. But there are others here who understand and have walked this path before you.

@ZippyBlueViper
I'm thinking of you and your children.
You are doing the right thing, one day at a time.

We're still at my relatives, i spoke to him for the first time yesterday on the phone. He's saying all the things i want to here.
Has said if we go back home he'll take weekly drug tests to prove he's not on drugs because I've thought on and off for a while that he must be with his erratic behaviour but he's always denied it.
He said no more bringing drunk friends home, he won't shout, name call or threaten me anymore.
I said about how i feel financially trapped because nothing is in my name. He said that the reason nothing is in my name is because the house is in trust so nothing he can do about that, the cars are all on finance and that he can't transfer them to me because then i would be liable for the finance and I've got no money. He said he'll set up a direct debit to my account so that I've got regular money coming in for 150 a month. That's literally nothing and he can cancel that anytime. I'm not really sure how to make myself more financially stable.
He's said that he'll make an effort to help with the kids and do things around the house.
I said i would like to stay with relative for 6 months move the kids schools and see how it goes i could fetch the kids to see him on a weekend. He said absolutely not. He doesn't want the kids schools moving because if we move them schools they'll get settled and if after 6 months we decided to get back together it'll not be fair.
Said he wants us home for one last try. I've never left before and he says seeing kids wardrobes empty has made him realise just how too far he's gone and what he's lost.
Said he'll stop pushing for sex too because I've told him i hate having sex with him because I'm so stressed by his behaviour that i can't relax so don't enjoy it and it hurts because I'm not relaxed but if i say no or I'm not in the mood it causes argument so I've just been doing it to avoid an argument but then i can be sore for a good few days after.
Part of me is thinking if we don't go back and give it one last try I'll always be thinking what if because we've never moved out before so what if this has been enough to make him realise.
Another part of me is thinking to just stay with relative and go through court but that scares me so much.
Relative has said totally my choice and that even if i go back they'll always be a place here for me whether i end up leaving again in a few days, a year a decade. They'll always be room for us

🚩DO NOT GO BACK