Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

This is the usual perpetrator language saying they will change etc etc thinking a few words to you will make you change your mind after months of abuse and all his threats to you when you first left. Domestic abuse worker here..I have heard this a 1000 times from women. He will not be able to just change. He needs to be on a Perpetrator Programme and/or a programme related to his alcohol/drug use for any change to happen. If you are in UK you can claim Universal Credit to support you and the children financially. In my experience many women return to abusive partners several times before leaving for good. Look on Women's Aid and Refuge website for more advice.

Seconded on not going back.

You are in danger. He will punish you for this episode if you return.

Don't reply to him, and wait to get through to Women's Aid. Everything he has promised is par for the course for an abuser - please don't be suckered in by it. You already know deep down that he won't stick by what he says, and that £150 is a pittance!

As hard as it is right now, if you go back not only will he return to his behaviour (and worse!) but you will regret not taking the chance you have right now. You have your children so you know they're safe. If you take them back you know full well they aren't.

Please don't message him again until you've had advice from Women's Aid.

Also to add, your comments about your sex life are describing sexual abuse. He is coercing you to have sex you don't want, which is also painful.

You know what by definition that makes it.

Please don't return to this abusive rapist.

And even then, Perpetrator programmes have a notoriously low success rate.

Please read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That". You can read it for free online.

He won’t change. I spent years- literally years- waiting for mine to do the things he promised whenever I said I was going to leave him. He never did them.

These are not nice men driven to bad behaviour by stress or by our unreasonableness. They behave like this because it benefits them to, they enjoy it and they get what they want from it. I did read Lundy Bancroft’s book and it was eye opening.

Your man could have behaved better at any point. He didn’t. He chose to behave in ways which hurt you, frighten you, and harm you. He also HARMS YOUR CHILDREN. Sorry to shout but they will have the residue from this in their bodies, their developing brains, forever. Developmental abuse is real and it has life long impacts.

DON’T GO BACK, PLEASE. Think of your children.

also don’t let him take your children to his house. He won’t give them back.

I understand your fear but he won’t be allowed sole care of your children, particularly as he has behaved the way he has - and they can confirm they were scared of him.

Also - there is no way he’ll be applying for (or if he does, sticking to) sole custody. He will not want the stress and work involved of raising a child by himself - unless he plans on dumping your son on his own mother, paying for childcare, or lining up another woman to look after him by moving her in - which is what some deadbeats do bc they can’t be arsed.

He sounds frightening and repulsive - well done for getting out!

Even the way you write your last post - you know all of these are empty promises, you know he’ll be lovely for an hour or 2, maybe even a week, it will not stick and you know it. Use this thread to stay strong. Do not go back.

the first thing you need to do is sort out the kids school situation, did you manage to speak to women’s aid. Or try CAB.

I've tried womens aid a million times but can't get through. Will keep trying.
As for schools when I've looked online i need his permission to move the kids schools.
He said on the phone yesterday no to moving the kids schools so that's a blow because i need them in eduction

There must be a way of moving schools without his permission. I would speak to social services about it (I think you said you'd already spoken to them so you might have a social worker?).

You're doing really well, do not listen to his lies and go back. Imagine you're currently at a fork in the road, one points to an easy looking road paved with fake gold and false promises, but if you go down it you'll end up in a worse position than you left. The other fork is full of obstacles but the end of that road is peace. It looks impossible but you just have to keep one foot in front of the other and tackle the obstacles as they come up. You'll get there!

Please please do not go back.
As someone who was the child in this situation. Do not go back.

You want to go back because it’s scary to start again. You have nothing. Of course going back will be easier.

He is abusive. He rapes you. He financially abuses you. Emotionally abuses you. Your children are not immune to what’s going on. It will affect them.

DO NOT GO BACK.

Edit to ask if you have contacted the police yet?

He is saying these things because he has lost control over you and is trying to regain it. This is exactly what all abusers do. You have done the hardest part which is leaving. If you do go and and need to leave again, it might not be so easy next time. He will know what to expect. Please please don’t do this to your kids.

You don’t need permission to move schools if you reported him to the police , you’d be protecting the children . I can’t fathom why you would return your children to this horrible man who makes their home abusive. Why won’t you provide your children a safe home by going through the process. Why would you want you children to be raised by this bad example of a role model and witness this abuse become normalised by you and him . If you go back you are thinking of yourself only . I understand you are scared of the future but you’ll be more scared in the future if you go back , you’ll lose your son to his manipulation against you and you’ll end up in a worse position than you are now . Your children may end up being the same as him when they are adults because this is what you allowed them to witness . Why drag your kids through this . Stay at relatives and go and look around a few school for your children new life and new start , or selfishly go back . Sorry I’m sounding blunt but I think you need to hear it . x

This is the classic abuse cycle I’m afraid. He’s saying exactly what he thinks you want to hear but it’s all bullshit. His offer of £150 is pathetic. It make me wonder if he is in debt by the comments he’s made about the house and cars.
If women’s aid aren’t responding I’d go straight to the police or social services to ask them for support.
ultimately it’s your choice if you go back but I can guarantee you’ll be back in the same position in 6 months time.

Hmm - so he's making ‘promises’ that he’ll change, blow rainbow bubbles out of his rse and even going to give you the princely sum of £150 a month? What an offer!

Mr. Banker - no deal!!!

I honestly think you know that you can’t return to him, you know you’re not safe with him. You’ve done the hardest part…you’ve got out. You now need to resist ‘being hoovered back in’. If you do go back he won’t be happy, things will never get better, it’ll be far, far worse.
The police can refer you to domestic abuse help, contact them.

Not been to police but spoke to a solicitor who agreed ill need his permission to move schools and solicitor said it'll not look good that I've moved them out of area out of schools etc and not got them into alternative education. Solicitor advised i would be better staying in area keeping them in their schools and routine and looking for alternative accommodation in that area.
If i go police surely it's his word against mine? I've looked up sentencing for controlling behaviour and majority of time nothing happens. So then I'll be left with him angry as hell that I've reported him and not actually gained anything.
I've looked at the ryan wellings and kiena dawes case a lot in the past because sometimes I've felt like she did and considered that that might be my only option. However i couldn't ever do that to the kids and hardly anything happened to ryan Wellings and what he did to her was worse because there was multiple physical assaults.
If we do go back I've spoken to my relative and will leave most of our things here just take what we need for a week then if we need to leave again quickly we can.

I understand you don’t seem ready. But what would you do in the future if your daughter came to you and told you her partner was doing to her what you are going through now? Would you tell her to go back? Or beg her to stay away

Everything he’s said to you is so predictable op but they really don’t change, if you go back now then he will know there is risk you would leave again and that puts you and the kids in an unsafe position. He might also ‘plan’ behind the scenes to keep the children if you were to leave again especially if he knows you haven’t reported him. £150 is nothing, on your own you’d be able to claim universal credit whilst living with your relatives. He would have to pay CMS and you’d have your own independence. I know it’s tempting op, I’ve been there and done it so many times but this is your opportunity. I know it’s hard and scary but I promise it will get better!

It really does sound like you’re considering going back OP, and this is exactly what abusers do, drag you back in by promising everything will be different and they’ll do better. It might be better for a matter of weeks but he will always be that abusive POS that he is and chances are it will get worse. It’s better to live with the “what’s ifs” than live through the abuse again. Please report him to the police, you might think it’s your word against his but you have messages of his threats and even if nothing comes of it initially it will still be on record if needed in future.

£150 a month?
Brings drink friends home?
See until.it hurts?
No financial security.
Drugs..
I know it's easy for us to say leave... but.. we are outsiders and many have been in your place..
Go back but I can guarantee in a mths time it will be worse
You should have reported incident to the police.
Next time he's going to make sure he makes provisions for u not to take the kids

Report to police. It starts to build a case for the future no matter what happens next and whatever you do next.

If he reacts badly to you reporting to him it adds weight to your case and you being able to move the children due to a risk.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5462553-handhold-needed-ex-partner-has-not-returned-child-to-my-care-despite-court-order?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

these men do not change.

please explore getting housed in your children’s school catchment if you can’t move them without his permission, but please do also make a police report. It doesn’t matter if it’s your word against his. Your children will back you up, Your relative will. Who leaves home in January without even socks on if they aren’t terrified?? And he will give himself away- read the OP posts on this thread I’ve shared. These men can’t resist being appalling human beings but right now you and the children are safe. If you go back, you are submitting all of you to his coercion and his control, and he will not keep you or the children safe.

I’m a family solicitor and surprised by this advice….like I said previously he’s abusive you need an NMO so don’t bother with the police go down the family court route. I see this situation day in day out and believe me if you go back you’ll regret it. Your children won’t thank you for it. You’re safe now and whilst it feels difficult this time next year you’ll be pleased you did it.

Also, call their school and ask to speak to the DSL or DDSL. They may also be able to advise you or send you materials so that you can help the kids stay in education while you consider. Being so frightened by their father that you flee with them is a safeguarding issue. The school may also be able to help in other ways.

But I knew a woman from Derby who’d been housed in my area (very far from Derby) and her kids in school here without her ex even being told where they were, so it is possible.

Have you looked for local DV charities/organisations in your area? Also you could call your council/ the council of the area you are currently in as they should be able to advise you in regards to education and the DV.
It could also be worth reaching out to your GP, ask for a phone appointment. They will be able to support you and the impact this is having on your mental health. I think you being able to speak to someone impartial about your thoughts may help you feel stronger.
Also reach out to your DC school and talk to them and ask for all the support they can offer. Your DC need some extra support to manage their experience.

I wish you well and hope that you can move forward to safety, happiness and security.