Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

This isn't true about needing both parents to change schools. It only takes ONE parent to register and deregister children from schools. Anyone telling you otherwise is wrong. Schools may want both parents to agree, which cannot always happen due to abusive relationships, but legally speaking, only one parent is required to register and deregister. I'd be seeking advice from a different solicitor, one who actually knows what they are talking about.

As for your ex-DP - he's just telling you what you want to hear, it's all classic script from these abusive men, I've heard it all before.

The £150/mth allowance is a joke, he's KEEPING all of your income from a business that you run. What was his reasoning as to why you cannot have your own income???? He's financially, sexually, verbally, emotionally abusive.

I know you're not going to the police, but you really should. You have the text messages to prove his threats. You need the police and social services on your side. By doing nothing, or worse still, by going back, you're just walking straight back into the lions den.

I come from a place of caring, I've been in your shoes, I've wanted to believe he'll never do it again, but believe me, men like this will ALWAYS do it again.

Please, for the love of god, DON'T GO BACK.

ETA Please don't get upset, but telling him your thoughts and plans was a mistake too. Do not give him any information regarding your thoughts or plans.

@ZippyBlueViper very poor advice from
your solicitor .
Yes it’s frowned upon moving kids schools when playing games. However this is a safety issue . Domestic and your being coerced into sex you don’t want and too scared to say no .
please go to the police . You and the kids will go through this time and time again with much more damage to them .
£150 a month is hillarious !
he would be paying much more than that a month on maintenance .

Are you in England ?
Id ask your solicitor for an emergency application to the courts to remove his parental rights so you can move their school .
You can also home educate in the mean time . Until you manage to secure a school.
Apply for universal credit as a single person . Apply for maintenance .
make sure you are in receipt of child benefit too.

Op if I can help in any way to keep you away from this man . Please feel free to message me for some strength if it would help.

Please follow the wise posters on here op

I often ignored some advice I was given
In my mind I thought he can't be that bad now can he??!!!!

Your ex is a piece of 💩

How dare he treat you so badly !!!!!

Shocking

I'm still with relative.
I did tell the solicitor the full story. I'm in the UK. Solicitor said that it's because I've moved from one jurisdiction to another so the new schools would be under a different council (hour and a half away) that he would be able to block this move, place an order on me to keep the kids in the schools they're in and for me not to move them out of area.
He's said today in messages that if i come back and it doesn't work out he'll leave the house so the kids aren't messed around again, he owns a rental property in the same village and Tennants are out of it in March. He said if i go back and not happy before then he'll move out and come March me and kids can move into his rental property. That way the kids can keep the same schools but we can live separately. He's still pushing the new changed man and has increased offer of direct debit of 150 a month to 850 a month. But the amount of direct debit doesn't really matter because can be cancelled anytime.
He's said he'll put my business in my name but that it'll mean i have to pay tax? I don't really understand the financial side of things i just do the day to day running of it and I've never done anything with the money side.
One of his friends has text me today as well as two of his family members saying that he's told them what he's done and they're disgusted and have spoken to him about how wrong he is. I said what has he said happened and they've all said he's said to them that he's messed up big time, put me and kids threw hell and it's all his fault. I'm surprised by that because thought he'd try blaming me.
He's text and asked to speak to middle child (son) and I've said no because he's settled and happy and not having him crying down phone to him upsetting him.
I pointed out that it shouldn't just be son he wants to talk to and he said he thought i had said eldest wanted space (i hadn't said that) and that obviously he can't talk to baby.
I said it doesn't stop him asking about them.

He's text and asked to speak to middle child (son) and I've said no because he's settled and happy and not having him crying down phone to him upsetting him. I pointed out that it shouldn't just be son he wants to talk to and he said he thought i had said eldest wanted space (i hadn't said that) and that obviously he can't talk to baby This is an example of him changing his ways, is it?

He will say anything and promise anything and do anything to get you back home and under his control again. And once you’re back, that’s when he’ll make sure that you’re too frightened to ever even think about leaving him or taking his son away from him again. Do you think he’ll let you have access to a bank card or a car again? Do you think he’ll physically allow you to leave the house with his son again?

Nobody will blame you if you do go back to him because it’s scary and you don’t know how you’ll manage and it seems insurmountable, and he’s saying what you want to hear and making you promises and he could really mean it this time….. But we all know what’s waiting for you if you do go back. And none of us want you to go through it. This time next year, you and your babies could have your own home, you could be managing your own money, maybe even thinking about going back to work. Or you could be right back where you were just before you grabbed the children and ran.

So he can move out now then.

and you go back yourself change locks ?

He is making promises he wont keep
You go back
In a werk you back where you started

Say yes he should move out now

All of those promises are absolutely classic - when the controller thinks they've lost control (because you're not in the home) they go on a full scale charm offensive to lure you back. I think you know deep down he's not going to change, but it's easier for you to say "what if I don't go back and am always wondering...". There is nothing to wonder about. People don't change like he is saying he will change. Be a role model for your children; don't let them learn this behaviour and repeat history.

All the things that have kept you stuck this time will be even stickier if you go back. If you do, please have a plan for the next time you need to leave.

In terms of your business, having it in your own name would be ideal. It means having to complete a self-assessment each year. You get the first £12K or so of income tax free, and then will pay tax on anything above.

How much revenue do you generate per year doing your business? Just wondering as it may be worth hiring an accountant or bookkeeper if you're not great with finances.

If it's in his name at the moment, has HE been paying the tax? Or has he not bothered declaring it?

How about he moves out now and you stay in the house. you get some sort of contact arrangement in place, he puts your name in the business and sets up the standing order for £850 (do not become reliant on this) explore getting some work independently of him and look into what single benefits you are entitled to. If it comes to a point you have to leave the house rent independently if you can, the less you have in your life under his control the better.

I’m glad to hear that you are still with your relatives and taking time to think about what you do next. Definitely get your business out in your name. The issue that you have moving back to the house with or without him in it is it’s in his name only and if he were to come back you can’t stop him. You really need to work towards some financial independence.

I’m echoing op’s comments. Glad you aren’t rushing into anything. But dismissive of his words.

What I learned is that words are easy. It’s also easy for them to be “heartbroken” pale and losing weight- but the moment it either works or stops being effective , that is when the mask drops away again and full-on Mr Nasty reappears. He could do all these things right now, not make them conditional on your “good behaviour”. He won’t though, because he isn’t sincere.

You have to understand that he will try to use any means available to manipulate you, and none of it will be said in good faith. He will punish you for escaping- maybe not straight away, but he will. He will do everything he can to maintain his power and control over you and to show you that resistance is futile, even harmful (“you’re making it worse for yourself, you make me so angry and afraid that I have to take away your car, money, shoes, children. Look what you make me do!”)

He doesn’t see you and the children as people. You’re assets, you’re there to provide him with status, sex, domestic drudgery, and a feeling of power and invincibility as he keeps you all in fear.

Moreover, your children’s brains are being wired for dysregulation and a lifetime of suffering through an inability to control their emotional responses, dysfunctional relationships of their own, higher chance of addiction, self harm, prison. I recently did some training on developmental trauma and the home you had with this man is a classic setting for that.

Please stay safe. Report to the police. Take other legal advice. Ring the safeguarding lead at the kids’ school. Don’t go back to him.

OP solicitors aren’t experts in safeguarding - so they can say legally they’d advise you do xyz - but they cannot tell you what the safe thing is for you and the children.

I know you’ve said upthread you’re very worried about social services being involved - but they will be much more concerned at you returning to a relationship you have recognised is harmful for you and your children, than they would be about you moving out of area to keep them safe. Women’s Aid would relocate you out of area as this is the safe route.

So suddenly he can afford to give you 850 a month, why didn't he do this before.
He's offered you his rental property, how kind, why doesn't he move there instead.
Yes you'll pay tax if you earn over your allowance, as we all do.what sort of business why isnt it in your name already, is he a tax dodger? If you run it from his land how will that work in the future.
Who is the eldest father, is he around or has your partner got pr
What about buying you a car if he's got so much money, whys that in his name

This ☝️ 💯%

Talk is cheap op. Actions speak louder than words. Do not go back. Things wont change and if anything, youll feel even more trapped. I would log this with the police, get their advice. Dont worry about the kids missing education for a fee weeks- your currently in crisis! Have you spoken to their school and explained? Perhaps also get their opinion on moving schools. They can put you in touch with social services who can also support you. Remember youve done nothing wrong

No the criminal will trap you

He does t care

He doe not give a shit

What a horrible human being
Get to the police asap

To add to this post op you will pay into your pension pot. It's definitely worth while. You need to sign up with an accountant who can help you with all your financial business responsibilities to Rachel Reeves.

Don't be lured in by the messages from friends and family either OP.

Read again what he's told them - "he put you through hell" - no specifics, right? He has fed them a sanitised story of his wrongdoings to use them as flying monkeys to win you back. They're just another arm in his manipulation game.

If he had told them the full truth do you genuinely believe they would advise you to give him another chance? Anyone sane would say absolutely not.

Thank goodness you're taking this slow. It's hard - leaving's hard! - but you did it. Don't give in to his sweet nothings because that's what they are - nothings.

Please for the love of god do not go back. This is all part of the classic script they follow, they promise the world and they'll change, this that and the other. The fact is, if he was capable of being a decent person and treating you nicely, why didn't he before? Because he either can't, or doesn't want to.

Once you go back you'll be even more trapped than before, except this time he'll be keeping a close eye on you to make sure you're not planning to leave again, he'll be watching your every move. Oh, and the added bonus of now he's angry you had the audacity to leave him before, so now he'll be even nastier to you.

Just don't do it. Take it from people who have been there and learnt the hard way that they never change.

Ok, so before you return i would suggest the following

1. Sort out your own bank account / secret bank account where you pay money in each month and have any paperwork go to your family members address.- i know you had cash stashed in the house, but you would be able to access the bank account if you had your id on you when you finally left.
2. Makesure he has legally changed all the business paperwork over to your name
3. Get him to sign up for couple's counselling and attend the first session prior to stepping foot back in that house of his
4. Sign yourself up for a basic business course, one that focuses on money and taxes. So that when you do eventually leave you have some knowledge and can feel more confident in your decisions
5. Transfer anything you can to your name- mobile etc, make sure child benefit goes into your account not his
6. Start gathering as much information on benefits etc and get in touch with dv charities to work on a plan. -in secret
7. Create a NEW email account- make sure your relative has full access to this as well. Keep a daily log of events and any receipts/ images/ videos and email them to an email account. -this will create a log of evidence.
8. He needs to seek out help for his drinking and behaviour
9. I would suggest keeping a secret hiding place for your id and documents, so that you can access them in a hurry in future. -outside of the house but on the property
10. In the SOS part of your lock screen, store emergency contacts -people to call if you need to leave

He's not going to change, but you appear to be struggling to let him go, maybe you still think the man you love is in there.

Start taking back things to make you more independent...
I don't think you are ready to leave and i also think he will go back on his promises. But doing things in the background will make you feel slightly better and stronger.

As a gesture of goodwill that business should be transferred immediately.
Ask for that and say you will not be discussing anything further until he does.

He has been financially abusing you to control you.
Text him that. That you want YOUR business in YOUR name.

I don't think you should return, but get that business in your name any way you can.

I’ll bet a pound to a piece of shit that he hasn’t told his relatives he summons you for sex to help him sleep and then dismisses you when he’s finished …. This just turned my stomach 🤢
Loads of excellent advice here for you to take control of your own life.
This man is absolutely vile and make no mistake, he does not give a shit about you.
Do not go back or put yourself in any situation for which he holds the cards (eg;living in his house) - he will always hold it against you and will threaten to take it away anytime he feels like it.

BBC News - Burton Latimer man admits murdering wife Isobella Knight - BBC News
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c8x94qrwe2no
Don't want to scare u but this is what can happen when your in an abusive relationship her story may not be the same but I bet there are lots of similarities big hugs stay strong and don't go back for your sake and especially the kids x

He will promise you a bath in unicorn tears if he thought it would get you back under his power.

Promises are pie crust to him, made to be broken. If he had wanted to make you happy he could have done all these things a long time ago. But he didn’t did he?

I’m relieved you and the children are safe OP. You’ve made a sensible decision not to go back.

There will be 100 reasons why you’ll want go back to him but deep down you know that you have to leave the relationship. For your own sanity and to ensure your kids grow up in a peaceful, stable home.

Ex will tell you anything you want to hear to persuade you to return but it’s all lies. He won’t change. I expect the next step will be him crying and threatening to hurt himself… don’t fall for it.

It might seem overwhelming when there is so much to deal with and you feel exhausted. Make use of the resources available to you. I echo advice about calling the police and Women’s Aid. They’ll believe you and help you figure out what to do next.

You can also call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 200 0247.

Tell family and friends what has happened… don’t be scared to say it out loud.