Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

How much does he spend on this?

You are so deep in denial, it's frightening. He is currently a functioning addict. Not long before he becomes unable to function and then the wheels will come off. Luckily, you have the funds to look after your children and yourself, which is good, because you are going to need them.

Honestly, fair enough.

I keep seeing statements saying he is “not a good father” and I’m being asked to accept that as fact, but very few people are giving concrete examples of why that must be true. So I want to be clear about what I mean when I say he has been a good father and husband, while still acknowledging that he has a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

I am listening. I’ve received a large number of messages many of them thoughtful and constructive saying similar things about addiction, denial and boundaries, and I am taking that advice on board. What I’m finding harder to engage with are comments that move straight to judgement, assumptions and personal attacks, often based on things that simply aren’t true in my situation.

I came here because I’m upset and overwhelmed. A lot has happened in the last six weeks including a miscarriage and the loss of a close friend and I’m approaching a new year and a new decade wanting some sort of reset. I want a future where I can travel with my husband and our children, where my children have their dad present for as long as possible, and where he gets to watch them grow up.

In practical terms, he has been a very involved and consistent father. Our eldest starts secondary school in September, and his school place has just been confirmed. My husband worked extremely hard with him for the 11+ and entrance exams tutoring him regularly, encouraging him, and supporting him emotionally through what was a stressful process. That wasn’t a one-off gesture; it’s representative of how he parents day to day. He shows up. He is present. I have never felt like I’m raising our children alone.

The same applies to our marriage. I’ve never felt unloved or unsupported. We’ve built a stable life together, our home is paid for, and our children are financially secure. None of that means his cocaine use is acceptable it isn’t but it does explain why being told certain things on here feels simplistic and unrealistic. Loving someone and recognising they are an addict are not mutually exclusive, and coming to terms with that has been genuinely difficult.

I also want to say that I do have support. I have a long-standing friendship group from school and another from university. I’ve opened up to them about what’s going on, and they’ve been there for me. Two close friends who now live in the US are even coming to stay with us in two weeks. I haven’t isolated myself or lost perspective, and I’m not navigating this alone.

I’ll be honest I think I made a mistake engaging as much as I did on this thread. This is my first time ever posting on Mumsnet. I usually come here to read about schools, and I’ll probably stick to that going forward. Text strips away nuance, and I don’t think I’ve always managed to convey what I actually mean, especially when emotions are high.

Thank you for the advice. I will take it on board. I’m sorry if my responses have come across badly at times. This is a painful, complex situation and I’m trying to deal with.

No judgement OP, I believe you when you say he's a good man.

But I hope for your families sake he can get help to stop. Twenty years of cocaine usage will be taking a toll on his health, and you don't see many elderly coke addicts.

When we had addiction in our family, I received support from www.famanon.org.uk They have a helpline, forum, litrature, both face to face & online meetings.
If you choose to engage with Families Anonymous, they are non judgemental and do not give advice, they share their experience re. drug addiction. What helped my loved one to seek recovery, was to not enable, set boundaries and detach with love.

Addicts can get sober. But they have to want to themselves. Your ultimatum may help he realise what he wants, or may make him say what he thinks you want to hear and lie to be able to carry on using.

Definitely find some support for yourself, learn about codependency and enabling and good luck. It’s good that he has functioned well until now because it means your children will have been less affected, but the wheels can come off pretty quickly. Good luck!

SMART recovery family and friends is good too. And lots of online meetings

you CHOSE to have children with a drug addict?

I’m afraid the alarm bells would have rung when he couldn’t even enjoy his own wedding properly without the drug. He’s had it easy with not having to lie to you so far or at least only partially lie as I’m almost certain it will be worse than you’re aware. I expect it will start now though. I speak sadly through experience. My dc no longer have any contact with their dad

Clearly you're not ready to take the step that some of us who've been in your shoes think would be best.
People are only trying to spare you, but sometimes that's not possible and you have to find your own way.
So to meet you where you are, which is obviously going to be to stay and try to fix this, I'd say:
Don't take on responsibility for accessing help, booking appointments etc. Him doing that himself is an important sign of commitment.
Protect your finances. The change from affordable to out of control can happen very quickly.
Don't give repeated 'last chances'. He will quickly learn they're meaningless.
Set a time limit after which if he's not clean you will leave, as this has a habit of dragging on with ups and downs for years, and you'll waste your life.
Have a well thought out plan for if you do leave so you can imagine life without him and its not so terrifying you keep giving more chances.
Contact a group for families of addicts for support for yourself.
Don't make him your project. Your self worth will take a knock if he fails. Keep your friendships, your interests and your own life.

It's pathetic in this country how normalised coke has become. It's not just the addiction; it's the mythology around it that has enabled the use of it. Coming from that Wall Street ' cool shark' culture. It's like the myths that used to exist around ' heroin chic' . That old nonsense about heroin being a cool drug for musicians, artists, writers etc. I hope these coke myths go the same way as the heroin myths have - and that it starts being seen as the skank crutch for the deluded that it really is.

Im saying this kindly, in the nicest way op,

1. hes a drug addict. He cannot be a “good” father if hes either on coke or coming down from it.
2. doing drugs at work? Hes on a tight rope here to losing everything- his job, your family home, his family and friends if it all goes wrong and it will eventually.
3. think of your children, if no 2 happens and social services get involved because its all gone to shit and the police are involved, if they know you knew, they could take the children
4. he is supporting drug dealing/child drug runners. How would you feel if one of your children was caught up in this to supply your DH his drugs?
5. he cannot stand to attend a social event with you or his family without drugs to get him through the event 🤦🏻‍♀️
6. youre married to a massive druggie, give your head a wobble and get divorced. Jesus come on. Live a life away from this where you dont have to worry if hes coked up, none stop sniffing, wired, aggressive etc etc

They can change but not from being issued an ultimatum. They have to want, really want to change. My brother was an addict for 20 years and this year is his 18th year recovering.
It was a shitty time that fucked his life up and he thought his kids didn't know but of course they did. Your kids will know too.
My brother and his wife split up and then got back together when he'd been clean for 2 years. They are happy but SIL admits even now she still has a fear (which has diminished over the years) that he'll relapse.
So they can change, as you obviously know, but don't put him above your children. He's not a good father or husband if he's a drug addict. I wouldn't even give him the chance.
I'd leave him now and let him prove to you he's changed, if he does. If you leave him I'd make it absolutely crystal clear that you even suspect he's taken coke he won't be seeing the kids until it's out of his system. Do you really trust a coke addict to be round your children?

Delusional. It's just great the way everyone functions on drugs....killing other drivers... truly functional.

Yeah. Vile.

I realise this won’t be a popular view but I don’t have as much of an issue with people doing coke despite not using drugs for years myself. I guess I’m a bit more pragmatic as I’ve known people socially take drugs through my life who can keep it in check and just have fun with it now and again.

If it stuck to the odd social event, out with his mates etc then fine but it’s obviously not limited to that which is where it seems to have become an issue for you.

Doing coke at work is fairly normalised for some industries (I used to be in finance) but it’s not great needing that to be able to feel ok and calm.

I also think it’s ok to ask him not to do coke when he’s out with you and not trying to score every time he goes out for a drink.

Now he might not be able to pull back his usage but if he could, would that feel ok or is this a ‘stop or we’re done’ situation?
He shouldn’t be bringing it into the house at all and shouldn’t be under the influence around your kids.

It does sound like he’s self medicating though. Are there any MH issues or possible neurodiversity? He sounds a little bit like a friend of mine who was diagnosed with ADHD in his 40s after years and years of heavy drinking and coke use along with crushing social anxiety. He’s been able to massively reduce his usage.

Close family member's life has been ruined by a 30yr coke addiction. His health is devastated, his nose has rotted, he's lost his business, his home is like a drug den and his wife is now an alcoholic. Id estimate he has spent millions on coke and if he is still alive next year I'd be very surprised.

Get shot whilst you can OP, you're in for a lifetime of misery.

It’s a common habit in his industry. Think his manager would just laugh.

Regardless of that I think I will be fine financially I go to work and have savings for myself and my children.

I think drug taking is abhorrent, and would leave DH immediately if I found out he’d done coke during our relationship even once, but I think PP are unfair saying it automatically makes him a bad dad and husband. It’s also likely to make the OP think that her coke addicted DH isn’t that bad and like other coke addicts so maybe she can put up with it if he’s a good dad and husband. (I don’t think it’s possible
to be a coke user and a good person though, FWIW).

I think it’s possible for him to be a functioning member of his family and a recreational coke user, but the fact he needs it for work shows he is on a slippery slope. For now he’s willing to risk his job by doing it under the influence of cocaine. He’d definitely be sacked if that was uncovered. Then where would that lead his family. And if hes rationalise that, then one day could he rationalise that he needs it to deal with the noise of the kids? That isn’t the marker of a good parent.

OP I think now that you’re at your limit with it, then he has to stop or he has to leave. Hes unlikely to be able to do this cold thrill turkey without support, and so if you want your marriage to work then I think you have to be accepting of this - but make it clear that lying is your hard line. You’ll support his recovery and all the ups and downs that will entail, but not lies.

Sorry for what you are going through OP and I wish you all the best X

Well, it sounds like a ticking timebomb. I wouldn't leave yet though. Single parenthood is difficult and your kids are young. I'd give him a chance to straighten himself out and you'll need to be behind him constantly for this. Be prepared for behaviour changes as he may resent you for it. See how things go and think about what you really want before blowing your life up (that's his fault of course).

Sorry for your situation OP but until you accept the fact that being a drug addict does not make a good husband or father you are still in denial. The fact that he continues to choose to use drugs, risking his health your family’s future, this just negates everything positive about him. Bottom line is that drug addiction makes people lie and they are very good at hiding things so you don’t know the full extent. Would you allow another parent who you knew was a drug user to pick your kids up from school or football practice? Would you allow your kids to sleepover at friends house tonight where you knew the father was a drug addict? Why are you accepting this in your for your own children?

You've normalized addiction for decades and you need help too. Do you have Nar Anon or an equivalent group that helps families of addicts? Find out and go.

He's been an addict for most of his life, from what you say. He has no desire to stop using and he probably won't unless he experiences a serious health event or the like.

Get good life insurance on him.

OP, my DDs biological father is an addict (we've been apart for a long time). I say this gently, but lots of your replies are very defensive, you've minimised and denied lots of people's concerns and accused lots of people of being judgemental or obnoxious when they've politely stated truths about addiction, or asked perfectly normal questions in a normal tone.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? I think it would be beneficial for you to explore why your first response to people's concerns is to DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender), regardless of how they phrase their comments. Your responses show you still have an enabling mindset, and you need to break that cycle in order to support your husband. Because otherwise when things get hard (and they will) you will overlook and enable certain behaviours. And there's a real risk you'll enable him "compromising" on recovery and just having less coke etc.

I hope 2026 is healthier and happier for you both.