Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

I aoologise if I came off that way, that wasn't my intention. I unfortunately have a fair bit of experience with partners addicted to one thing or another and if theor behaviour us challenged or they are asked to stop them their behaviours go underground.

Addicts are selfish and their addiction is their main priority. They will do anything, including jeaopordise/destroy relationships in order to keep the addiction going. This includes lying, gaslighting, hiding, minimizing, turning the tables, blaming the partner. This is unfortunately a fact.

Of course you should give him a chance to quit op. I think everyone’s trying to tell you that he may not manage to do that and that’s when the lies start.

I’m married to an alcoholic and he is on his last chance to quit. He knows it which is why he’s engaged with recovery services and smart recovery meetings. Plus he’s hit a rock bottom and is realising how shit it makes his life. I’m far enough along the journey to know that he will lie and lie and lie if he fails but this time I’m less naive and more switched onto the signs. If he drinks again then he’s out.

Come over to the addiction boards - you will get some great advice and understanding. I hope he is able to quit and save his marriage.

Addicts can change ,i really hope for you all he can do it .It will be hard and there will be slip ups but wishing you all the luck in the world.

Even if you feel like this and you are protecting your children calling other posters for saying things you don't want to hear because they are difficult for you to hear or you don't agree does not make them obnoxious. They are coming from a place of concern for you whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

You've then thrown that back in their faces and called them names. That's not really ok.

You seem exceptionally vulnerable and in denial about the depth of this.

I would also remind you that him sticking by you in the past is irrelevant. Your comments drawing a parallel suggest you feel you owe him because of that. You don't. You are free to make a decision based solely on the present. You are not obliged to stick by him at all costs because he was great in the past. It's not just about you anymore either.

His actions are illegal. He puts the lives of others at risk. He doesn't consider the implications to his children. Your problems in the past were significant but didn't do this. This matters - it's not a fair thing to let him hold against you or for you to hold yourself up to.

Again this talk just emphasises your vulnerability and the risks you face in him manipulating and abusing you as an addict.

You need to be honest about this and recognise just what risks lie ahead tbh.

OP, you came here to ask some advice, yes it's a very sensitive subject.

Many posters here have replied to you, who have been in similar situations.

Yet you keep replying that posters are being obnoxious with their responses to you.

They are not. They are being honest with you, but you don't want to hear this.

People who have been there,are not going to sugar coat the facts. Did you even read @GreenGodiva post?

That was the truth not an obnoxious comment.

Sorry that you still have the blinkers on.

Time to wake up, you have slept walked through the last 20 years and facilitated his use in that you have not until now said stop or the marriage and life as you know it stops.

See how he reacts to the ultimatum and take some time to examine whether your want this to be your life for the next thirty or forty years.

He is on the fringes of criminality, his dealer will
know snippets about him which can be pieced together and used against him.

What are the implications for him if his employee becomes aware of his use. Do you have a sufficient savings buffer to sustain you if he is sacked. Do you work and would you be able to sustain the mortgage and household expenditure on one salary. Examine the family finances with a critical eye and see how much money is unaccounted for and possible ending with the dealer.

Time to make some enormous changes.

I’m going to say this once, because the tone of some replies has tipped from cautionary into combative any maybe just ignore my post.

I am not denying the realities of addiction. I am not saying addicts don’t lie, minimise or hide behaviour. I am not saying this isn’t serious, or that love somehow cancels it out. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be here.

What I am pushing back on is the repeated assumption that acknowledging nuance = denial, or that disagreeing with the framing of a reply means I’m emotionally incapable of hearing hard truths. That isn’t accurate, and it isn’t helpful.

It is possible to recognise someone has a serious problem and act decisively to address it as well as still acknowledge that they have also been a present, loving parent and partner.

Those things can coexist, however uncomfortable that makes some people feel.
I’ve already said I’m reassessing boundaries, expectations and next steps. I’ve also clarified that my children are financially secure, our home is paid for, and long-term planning has been done. Continuing to speculate about their futures, insurance policies, or hypothetical deaths feels less like concern and more like judgement.

I’m not here to be told I must hate my husband in order to be taken seriously, nor to accept personal insults or amateur psychoanalysis because I won’t adopt the most extreme possible interpretation of my situation.

I am listening.
If people want to share experiences or practical advice, I’m open to that. If the aim is to accuse, provoke, or insist I’m in denial because I won’t mirror someone else’s story exactly, then we’re not going to agree and that’s fine.

I’m dealing with a complex situation.

Seriously? If you work in education you should understand the poor mental health of rich kids dumped in boarding school not being brought up by their parents. He was taking it whilst his brain was still developing.
It’s really sad.

I obviously don’t mean right now, I mean if it’s still normalised when your children grow up and start going out etc.

Reading your replies I’m actually not sure what you’re looking for. You’re either defensive or dismissive of most comments.

@GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor when partners of addicts post they’re generally looking for support, I’m not sure what’s confusing about that? If it helps yes I’ve always called out my partner on the devastation that cocaine causes. I hope you felt really smug posting that while most likely using a device that uses conflict minerals (like most of us posting here).

I have a job , I have my own savings , my own money I’m not a stay at home housewife? I would be able to survive financially on my own and support my children.

As an aside the level of detail you went into could possible identify you, would close friends be able to suspect that it is you and your husband that is detailed.

Although I am sure a lot of your friends may already have their suspicions when your husband is
in a social setting, given his trips to the toilet and demeanour afterwards.

You are just alienating people. And you really are not listening.

You owe some posters an apology tbh.

If you do the same in real life, you'll end up very isolated at a time you are going to need support.

DH 100% knows which people he sometimes socialises with both at work or in other situations are on coke.

It's bloody obvious.

That in itself means he's stepped back from a few of them even though he likes some of them a lot.

Where have I said that it’s fine verbatim.

you are going under the assumption that acknowledging nuance = denial, or that disagreeing with the framing of a reply means that im saying coke is good. That isn’t accurate, and it isn’t helpful.
It is possible to -

• recognise someone has a serious problem
• act decisively to address it
• and still acknowledge that they have also been a present, loving parent and partner.

Those things can coexist, however uncomfortable that makes some people feel.

This is a load of nonsense. There are loads of people who are occassional coke users. I was an occasional cocaine user in my teens and early 20s. Probably 30% of my social circle continued to use coke on a semi regular basisinto our 30s.

@ThatBlueShaker I wasn’t judging you. Why would I? Believe it or not I was trying to help by saying the reality is he’s not being as honest with you as he’s making out. For you and your children’s sake I really hope I’m wrong in this case.

You’ve given him an ultimatum so try to stick to it and hopefully he’ll do the right thing. He needs to get proper help to knock this addiction on the head once and for all. You say he’s financially well off so he’s in the lucky position that he won’t have to go on some waiting list and can instead pay for it. He’ll still pay less than the amount he’s currently spending on coke and still have money left over. The difference is, it will be money well spent this time, but it won’t be as easy journey after all these years of reliance.

Good luck and sorry to read you’ve had a tough year all round. X

Amateur psychoanalysis? How fucking insulting.
People have taken the time out of their day to provide you with advice from their own personal experiences. Yes, you may have seen the fallout from a family members addiction but trust me, it is nothing like LIVING IT. It will destroy you, bit by bit, piece by piece, one lie turns into loss of trust which leads to questioning what other lies there are, do you even know this person, a lack of trust, feelings of betrayal upon each deception. Your partner looking you dead in the eye abd lying to you. If it gets really bad then you will lose the ability to function properly and that's without any potential gaslighting, being made to feel you need to visit the local looney bin or eat anti depressants for years.

But whatever, look a gift horse in the mouth, it's your life. Good luck, you're gonna need it.

Its incredibly difficult to cut someone off. Not only does sticking around feel like the loyal supportive thing to do, but it's also far easier to not upend your own life. Especially while things are ticking over.
Unfortunately many peoples experiences of staying around and being supportive are not good. Either for them or the addict, because you really do end up an enabler, stopping them from reaching the point at which they have to sort themselves out. Meanwhile your own life is a roller coaster of hope and disappointment and desperately trying to fix something it's not in your power to fix.
Your husband is a privileged and wealthy man who can access professional support to quit. He can, and should, do this himself and you can play an important role in being the catalyst, by showing him what life will look like if he doesn't.
You can support him from a distance and you can take him back if he gets clean, so its not an abandonment, it's space for you both while he does what he needs to do.

I'm sorry you've had some brutal comments on here, Op. I think that might be because of your normalisation (until now) and apparent downplaying of what is, to most of us, something shocking.

I was married to an addict. I realied (after far too long) that I needed to remove myself and DCs for the sake of my family, as his addiction would always come first.

Outside of the addiction, he was a loving husband and besotted father. A good person. The life and soul. A hard worker. But sadly the addiction took hold, and despite some attempts to beat it (bust mostly years of denial and excuses, and lying about it) he wasn't able to.

I realised I was becoming a shadow of myself, which was bad for me and more importantly the DCs. They needed at least one reliable parent. I also realised he'd probably driven with the DCs while still under the influence. It no longer felt my DCs were safe in their father's care, despite him loving them so much.

It was the right thing to do.

If your DH's addiciton is genuinely not affecting you, your children or famlily life (which is quite honestly hard to believe, but let's say that is the case), then I can see why you would want to hand around, especially as until now you've never objected to his substance abuse. But I beg you -

• be clear (to yourself and to him) what you are willing to do / to put up with
• understand that you can't cure him - only he can do that
• don't put up with hollow promises - if he wants to get well, he will already be researching what help is out there, and he will avoid situations where he'll be tempted, as far as he can (ie social stuff he can say no to). If he isn't willing to not see friends or even give up friendships what encourage his addiction, then he's putting it above you and his children
• stick to your boundaries. If you give an ultimatum and don't stick to it, he'll take that as you not meaning it, and he'll do it again and again. If he can't prioritise his family and his health over drugs, he doesn't deserve you running around trying to make him better.
• He has to lead on this. He needs to talk to his GP, do the reading, book appointments. If he expects you to do it, it means his heart isn't in it. It also means he sees you as (at least partially) responseble for him getting better. Which means if it doesn't work, he can (at least partially) blame you.
• Be ready to leave, for your childrens' sake if not your own. I'd suggest getting some legal advice and thinking about what divorce would look like, so you're better prepared if it comes to it. It will make the decision less scary if it eventually happens.

Great you want to stand by him, but 20 years? You've brought children in to this. I hope he doesn't drive as it takes days to come out of your system so he IS putting his children at risk, despite what you think. Your best bet here is the drug support charities. Depending on how open he is to quitting because he has had decades of doing what he wants and addicts lie. He could be subject to a random drug test at work, he could be caught buying or holding it in his pocket. lots of maybes here that could seriously blow up your life and your childrens life. You parents don't put their children at risk for years on end. I grew up with an addict as a father until I was 13 and got arrested. I was constantly mortified by his behaviour at social events growing up. It doesn't get better, it just gets worse for your children and you. You need to get professional help. There should be a few services available in your area but things may get far worse before they get better.

I’m going to say this once

Urgh.
So also looking down your nose at posters trying you help you. With the advice for which you asked.

I'm out.

Although I really do wish you the best going forward.

It is not present and loving to be knowingly risking your family's safety and financial security and well being.

If you are buying drugs from anyone you put your family at risk. There is no nuance here.

You risk your job, you risk your financial stability (even if you have paid off the mortgage - that's still pension and financial security for you children's future), you risk other peoples lives, you risk going to prison and therefore not being emotionally present. You risk traumatising your wife and kids if it does go tits up. It certainly is putting an emotional stress on you now, that you otherwise wouldn't have.

Addicts are addicts, but they still make conscious decision to do these things. To suggest that he's emotionally supportive when you are posting about your own emotional unhappy and asking for advice is the epity of cognitive dissonance. He's created emotional distress that you can't turn to him for support with, because he wants to get high.

Until you work this out, you are just setting yourself up for more miserable by justifying the indefensible.

This

Wtf

If he gets caught with it on him at work he’ll be dismissed. Where would you be then?