Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

He has an appointment booked in for Monday and I’m going to go with him and he has he wants to be completely drug free. I hope he means it but I’m also not going to tell an addict on day one that he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. It’s been a day since our first conversation about him seeking help it’s not gonna be perfect in a day he’s not going to not be an addict in one day.

He knows he’s addict he’s said it many many times before this conversation.

Yeah as they both increase heart rate it could cause a sudden cardiac event. It’s deffo worth looking into whilst sorting the main root of the problem, wishing OP the best as it’s a tough situation to be in.

It's the truth. But , yes, there's a jerk round here,..... and it ain't me.

I have genuinely never had an issue with it. I worked in finance too and a lot of people around me did coke to help them in certain situations. Yet were completely “functioning” people with children families. Not saying it’s okay I’m saying there’s so many industries where this is normalise- big law, finance, consulting even politics.

I want to travel with my husband we’ve done a lot with the kids recently, this past summer we bought a caravan and spent 5 weeks with our kids around Europe on the road it as very fun. I want more of that. I don’t want my husband to have a sudden heart attack that’s what’s dawned on me. He’s 40 I’m turning 40 this year we aren’t in our 20s anymore.

I think your second paragraph is how you need to talk with him about it. My earlier post may have been wide off the mark, but the trouble with using a word like "addict" (even if he does so himself) is that it is so dehumanising and moralistic. He had a coping strategy that has worked reasonably well for him for 20 years, but life requires us all to adapt and grow, and he is now in middle age, and you want a healthy, happy future with him. Focus on how much he has to gain, not any perceived "failures."

OP....with respect ...taking coke is not 'normal'.

It is a highly addictive, destructive drug. If someone needs to take a chemical like this, just to 'function' there is something seriously wrong in their life.
He is a chemically dependent addict and unless he is prepared to seek help, trust me on this, you will lose just about everything you consider important in your life.

Hi OP,

What happened last night? Was it his behaviour or the way he was acting or the fact he kept disappearing off?

I went out for a short time with a man who had been using coke (and pills i think) for the last 30 years. As well as being very fond of a drink (what a catch!) He had a very nasty streak which came out when he was on coke (paranoid, chippy, jealous, etc) and also when he wanted coke but was out with me and knew I wouldn't like it. Basically, once they know you don't want them to do it, they become liars and argumentative and try to manipulate the situation so that they can go and use it. It is a very depressing world. His best friend thought it was completely acceptable to take cocke while looking after his 1 Yr old. They literally had such appallingly skewed views of what was right and wrong. Anyway, he was horrible but even he wouldn't have been stupid enough to use coke at work. Also, realistically your dh giving it up will mean removing himself from his social circle. I am extremely sceptical that that will happen.

How does he access drugs when you are on holiday or abroad OP?

I totally get that and why I stayed another 2yrs with dh. Hoping each blip would be it and I didn’t want to split up the family and be a single parent etc

but they never stopped and lying continues

i just hope that you dh beats this

Every person I know who did this and thinks this really isn't as functioning as they think.

So many men who work in finance are due to the nature of the job on paper great parents but by god are their kids fucked up. The emotional neglect of very well off kids is really depressing.

Genuinely the only way you’ll actually get him off the drugs is for him (after rehab) to quit his job and you to move away. If your entire social circle is either using or content to be around drug addicts, that’s a really unhealthy environment. The only people I know who successfully got sober ended up restarting their whole life - that seems even more critical for you. Is that something you’re willing to do for him?

I am also curious about what happened for you to suddenly be worried about something that seems intensely worrying.

One way I stopped was to look at older people living the lifestyle I was living - at the time I was 20 so I was looking at people in their 30s but it was terribly depressing and not what I wanted for myself. Obviously not likely to know a lot of coke addicts much older than he is now given the likely lifespans but maybe worth him looking around to see what it could look like for him in 10 years.

You’re right

so far we aren’t emotionally neglecting our children I want the best for them and willing to make the changes to achieve that while they’re still somewhat young.

Did you use horses to pull your caravan around Europe this summer?
Honestly I'm glad this is a wind up because you both sound like badly written stereotypes in a polished but vacuous TV drama

I have a particular disgust for people who blithely declare their indifference to the use of coke, as it's so widely acceptable in their circles.

It will be the same hypocrites who want the police to be 'tough on crime', the same people who want to clamp down on trafficking, producing and all sorts. All while maintaining an insatiable appetite for a substance that ruins countless lives, families and communities.
I really wish the so called 'war on drugs' was also being waged on the habitual nostrils of all these wonderful, professional fathers and husbands. Good father, my ass. Yuck!

@ThatBlueShaker once again: why have you not acknowledged that your saintly husband has been funding murder and rainforest destruction in South America? And that you have been totally ok with that?

Why didn’t you have an issue in the last 20 years or so that he was an addict, had children with him? There is no way he has never had drugs in the house in all those years? Has he never driven eg on holiday?

Do you or he have any conscience about the people, including children, being abused in the drug trade?

I could never be ok with having a drug addict around my kids. Does he keep it in the house? Would you be OK with your children becoming addicts? That is not being a good father. But then, I'd never have married one either so the bar is set extraordinarily low there.

I have said I’d like to move and start fresh our child has got an offer at a very good school outside London and we were thinking of selling our current house and buying another house with more garden space our eldest son really wants bunnies, maybe for his 11th birthday in the summer we might depends.

Not all his freinds do drugs same as not all and every single person I’ve ever worked with is finance doe’s drugs. I worked in finance I didn’t touch drugs, drunk here and there but I did not do coke.

He says he is willing to put in the work, there’s a lot we’ve discussed and if I put it all on here we will be here the whole day still reading it. We’ve had a lot of changes in our lives recently, I had a miscarriage, a long time friend from school passed away and I’ve had a health scare all these things combined have happened in the last 6 weeks and it’s made me re evaluate my life.

Between July & August my husband and I took the kids around Europe for 5 weeks mostly staying in our caravan and they enjoyed it I want to be able to do more of that. Week before last husband surprised the kids and I with a trip to Scotland the kids enjoyed it so did I, we took our bikes and had a great time I want to be able to do more of that wish my family. Husband always says he feels at ease with me and the kids and maybe that’ll motivate him.

I am willing to at least give him a chance at bettering himself. Marriage comes with a lot you pick and choose what to fight for. I’d hope that if I got an addiction he’d support me. I’ve had my fair share of issues, eating disorder before I had my kids, I was very unwell took a lot of work with professionals and my husband was there for me throughout.

I will take every advice on board I want the best for my kids, my husband and my family in general.

God what a mess. I wonder if you would have let the cocaine use go for so long if you weren’t living such a privileged life? Plus the fact that your children will be of an age soon where they will notice the effects of drug taking. And then we have the effect cocaine taking will have had on his body over the years.

You've facilitated his drug use for 20 years and now want him to stop? That was a conversation you should have had way, way back. Think how much money he's shoved up his nose over the years and what you could have done with it, things you and your children would have benefited from. And you say you didn't mind? Really??

It's absolutely fucking disgusting.

Going on about "wanting everyone to have a good time", except for those poor kids in S America being gunned down by drug gangs, eh?

So did he snort coke whilst in your caravan @ThatBlueShaker?

Coke can impact sperm

I don’t know why I didn’t have an issue with it I just didn’t and I didn’t unknowingly have children with someone I believed to be unsafe. His use has always been something I was aware of, limited to social situations.

It’s also worth saying that people don’t experience clarity all at once. Normalisation happens gradually, especially when someone is otherwise present, functional and involved. Reaching a point where you say “this stops here” isn’t denial it’s drawing a boundary.

As for the moral arguments about conscience of course I do, I’m aware of the harm involved. But using that as a way to shame me doesn’t help.

Right! It's all good fun until the good time starts catching up with their families.
At least he has the opportunity to better himself.
Kmdt 😒.

Now you’re just being silly.

you don’t have to engage with the post if you don’t want to.