Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

Be careful, you could injure your knee jerking it like that.

I was in your situation once upon a time, and it was such a vicious circle as my ex was such a better person when he was on it, bizarre thing to say I know, but when he wasn’t on it I started to not like him, but also hated him for doing it too, so we called it quits, he wasn’t giving up that for anyone not even his child, and the mood swings he would be in the following morning when he’s on a come down, wow! He still didn’t to this day and we split up 3/12 years ago, tell me he’s clean 🙄 but he really isn’t, didn’t get no help like he said he would to get clean!

Life insurance will involve disclosing the drug use and possibly medical tests that could highlight this. If not disclosed any claim would be invalidated

I’m in counselling.

I think it’s tough being in my situation right now there’s a lot going on in my life that I’m dealing with I am trying and I want to give my husband a chance. We’ve been through a lot together and he’s always been supported. I never minded that he did coke it’s never affected our relationship I can’t pinpoint a moment in our relationship that him doing coke has led to issues but it’s dawned on me that I’d like for us to both watch our children grow up.

End of the day I will support him if he wants to get the help he says he does. It’s been a day you don’t get over an addiction in a day. He is still the father of my children at the end of the day and I’m not going to just write him off for something that I’ve been perfectly fine with till now that makes no sense to me. I’ve never told him not to do coke it’s never been on my mind till now.

I don’t think everyone is saying leave him now without giving him a chance

just if he slips/has coke /refuses to stop /it’s only one time etc

what will you do ?

I supported my dh. He’s an alcoholic

For years and all that time he was still Drinking /hiding /lying and I had enough so split

you say you will break up if he doesn’t stop. It’s easy saying that - it’s much harder emotionally to do it

I use to be like you with my ex, but then it dawned on me as my child grows up and realises for himself what his dad does and thinks it’s okay and normal that I don’t want him to turn out like him an addict! That’s what scared me the most x

Definitely much harder but I want to give him the chance to see help first. It has been 24hrs some of the comments are acting as if wrong to give someone I’ve been with for a long time a chance.

we’ve built a life together, it’s not just me it’s my children too I want to at least try for them.

What do you suggest I do ?

Honestly what am I supposed to do it’s been a day since we had the conversation. Am I bad mother for giving their father more than a day to seek help for his mental health and addiction ?

No not at all, don’t worry I’m not having a dig as I have been where you are, and it’s not nice. All you can do is support him, but I also did this with my ex for about 2 years and went and got help but the place where he got help he then made friends who was also addicts and then leading to him going out more not coming home so he could carry on with his addiction, it’s a horrible place to be, but I just couldn’t carry on living like that so I had to make the choice and I gave him a fair chance as I said you need to be clean and getting the help by the time our child goes to school when he was 4, as I was so concerned things getting said, social being involved etc, I just ended up walking away, and now he’s had another baby with someone else and they have split for the exact same reason! X

Its hard. No youve got to give him time to show you hes going to make changes. See if he gets onboard himself with the idea vs your making him. Surely he wants to stay alive for his children, like others have said hes not a teenager dabbling in drugs, hes an older guy now. Its going to catch up with him. If his nose gives in, there will be no more hiding it in front of children/family etc.

personally, having lived with a drinker and recently divorced after years of promises and going round in circles, he needs to quit it completely otherwise it will soon slide back to old habits. I gave my DH lots and lots and lots of chances/talks but in the end, he didn't see he had a problem with it and we split up.

good luck whatever you decide

This is very good advice OP and on response to you saying you can’t break an addiction in a day, you are right but you also can’t break it because someone else has told you to. He needs to want to do it himself so be aware of that

I have a friend who had the same behaviour from her husband. She knew he dabbled but it wasn’t until the debt collectors were banging her door down that she discovered the extent. He had spent the children’s savings, credit cards were maxed out, his own business was at collapse point. Luckily sh is a high earner and was able to take her chn away.

He's had 9 years to sort himself out based on the age of your eldest child...

He won't quit until either you leave, he loses his job or has a major health scare.

I have known a couple of people with 20+ year coke addictions and one died at 49 with 2 kids under 10 and one is still alive at 51 but is basically like a frail old man and is now addicted to alcohol as well. Both have/had families and couldn't quit despite numerous attempts. Not saying it's impossible, it's just the very small minority that turn it around and it's normally because they've survived a cardiac arrest.

OP Have you or your husband ever considered he might have adhd if he uses it to function and get stuff done? Especially if he’s not experiencing the come downs.

it’s quite common for people with adhd prior diagnosis to get addicted to stimulants because they effectively work in the same way as adhd medication, which would explain the “high functioning”.

Might be something to consider during this journey, wishing you luck and sending hugs.

She said he does drug drive

The doctor actually said this to my ex too when he told the doctor but they refused to put him on meds for adhd if he was to be diagnosed with it as taking meds and coke could instantly kill you, it’s a tough one! I feel for anyone in this situation x

I think you are right to support him OP but with your eyes open and strong boundaries. I think what PPs are concerned about is that your boundaries will not be strong enough to hold as your previous passiveness as led to where you are now. He needs to want to change and you have to be prepared for the fact that this is going to be very difficult for you both and he might not be ready or able to stop. The first social event or stressful situation at work will have him right back to temptation.

Where to ? We don’t have a car

Yes, some addicts can become clean and stay clean but I'm not convinced the percentage of those who do, is high.

Your husband has been an addict for 22 years (possibly longer, if the habit started at boarding school), and that's going to take a massive amount of effort on his part, and professional help to overcome.

Does your husband accept he has a drug habit, that he has an addiction? If he hasn't accepted that, or won't accept it, then all the professional help in the world won't make any difference. Addicts generally have to hit rock bottom, they have to realise they have a serious drug problem and most importantly want help. I don't think your husband is at that point yet.

If your husband is taking cocaine before business meetings, and for the smallest to the biggest social occasion, then he's an addict. He shouldn't need to take drugs, to enjoy a football match with his friends or a trip to the pub!! Unfortunately, yes, you have enabled his behaviour, by accepting the drug taking is something he does. It's not normal behaviour for the majority of people. Yes, in certain industries, especially in the finance world it's prevalent but it shouldn't ever be considered 'normal'!!

You've given him a choice the drugs or his family. Don't be at all surprised if the drugs win. For the simple reason being, your husband doesn't want to stop.

My husband has someone within his extended family who is a drug addict (anything he can get his hands on) and an alcoholic. He's had an issue since a young teenager and is now 40. He's been in rehab at least 3-4 times, lost numerous jobs, been homeless (and living on the streets at one point) and lost several relationships. Family and friends have bent over backwards to help him. He's had professional help along the way too. He now has serious health conditions caused both both the drugs and alcohol. He still continues to drink and take drugs.

Maybe so

what’s your suggestion here then for now not the past ? I can’t change that we have children.

He knows he’s an addict he’s said it many many times.

Make an appointment at the doctors and go in there with him and say he is a coke addict, it will go from there, they will refer you to groups etc, but please bare in mind he has got to want to change, and if he doesn’t and he’s happy in doing it he probably won’t change! You aren’t able to force him, and then it’s down on you if you want to stay, and that old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink” it’s a tough journey and won’t change over night but when you had this conversation with him did he say he wanted to be drug free as this is the main question? Or does he admit he has a problem cause that’s another thing I challenged my ex wouldn’t accept he was an addict and that’s why I had to leave cause I was repeatedly banging my head against a brick wall xx

You’ve buried your head in the sand. For an extraordinary amount of time. I don’t believe this is the first time you’ve had these thoughts, it’s just the first time you’ve been brave enough to voice them to him. Can’t bear the groups of people in pubs who’ve taken coke, obnoxious, loud, egotistical loudmouths. A drug addict is not a good husband or father.

I'm going to get ripped to shreds for saying this, but "drug user" does not necessarily mean "addict."

Of course there are some drugs that are 100% life-destroying, such as heroin or meth. Others that have their place but can get out of hand, such as alcohol. And yes, coke is problematic in terms of health issues, gruesome supply chain, addiction potential etc. But you say he has used coke for 20 years in social situations, and sometimes work situations, to boost his energy and confidence. It's commonly accepted in his line of work, so his job is not under threat. He has never seen any reason to lie to you about it. He is fully functional the next day and never misses a beat in terms of family commitments.

Yes, many people let their habit overwhelm them, but from what you say OP he has used it very much for a specific purpose in specific circumstances, like the "Forced March" tablets (caffeine + cocaine) that helped Scott and Shackleton push their teams through Antarctica.

I'm not a coke user myself, BTW! I just don't share PPs' view that your husband is a nasty loser who will rapidly ruin his life and take everyone down with him. You sound lovely and your relationship sounds strong. I'm not sure if talking to him in terms of "addiction" will be particularly helpful or productive. The real issue seems to be that he feels unable to "perform" adequately under pressure. Coke has been an effective coping strategy, but he's already admitted it's an unhealthy one. This is what you need to explore together. Good luck OP!