Life is pointless when your single

[OnionOnions]

How can you stop feeling like life is pointless empty or sad if you don’t have a partner? I really wish I was one of those people that loved or embraced being single but I don’t I absolutely hate it. The only reason I stay single is because I’m a single parent and have my kids full time so can’t make a relationship work. If I didn’t I would be doing anything I could to find a loving relationship. I just feel life is better when you have someone by your side, to share it with. Is it normal to feel this way? I’m in my 30s so most people are settling down now and I feel like I will be alone forever.

There are registered childminders that do evenings and overnights, I used two local childminders in the past and they were great.

I wouldn't have some random person off the internet either but childminders have to register with the council, have DBS checks and references and you know where they live etc.

Also I think there is a very false portrayal of one particular (two parent) family in our culture being superior. I was a single mum for 10 years and I remember one particular class in university where the lecturer was talking about how single mums "must" have worse health because they visited their GPs more frequently than married or cohabiting mothers.

I put my hand up and said that whilst I didn't doubt his statistics, as a second generation single parent I questioned his interpretation of them. Because I had my kids needs to see to, then my own. The married women have their kids needs to see to, then a man's, then their own.

So who has a better chance of getting to the doctor when they have a health concern?

I understand OP. Relationships take work but they can so be worth it! Unfortunately we live in a society that revolves around our own needs/desires and not of others. Some single people will insist they have a better life because they are ‘free’ but really the reality is they are probably not great at relationships and are more self centred than others. The best relationships are those where you work as a team together, acknowledging strengths and weaknesses and needs of both - a lot of joy and fulfilment can come from this.

@perfectcolourfound a few years isnt the same as her 8 years! I've been single around 9. Not jumping from man to man, not introducing any old bloke. My ex met his partner a month after we split. She met the kids around 15m later and they got married a few years after this. I was single all that time, not for want of wanting someone but its so much harder for women.

This woman has rightly put her kids first, but is allowed to want something more for herself. Can you fathom 8 years of her life? I also think what would I want for my own daughters, would I want them to stay single for years on end? No, definitely not. Id want them to find a true partner in life. Its a tough slog alone and this lady needs commending as shes done it all alone.

Who on earth is talking about finding babysitters "online"? And what do you even mean by that?? If you mean by using the village/ community Facebook page it seems very common in these parts.

Personally, if I had an 8 year old I would be asking on school WhatsApp groups/ Facebook pages for recommendations- some of your daughter's schoolmates probably have older siblings, or someone could recommend you their babysitter. Which yes, I suppose counts as "online", but that is how people tend to communicate nowadays.

I was more lonely when I was married than I am now I’m single.

There is also the consideration that when you're a single mum, especially when your DC are small, you know that you have to be healthy in order to shoulder the load.

First off, having children isn’t a barrier to a relationship. It may make things a bit more complicated but most single parents I know have had a relationship post break up of their marriage/partnership, with many going on to marry for a second time.
And as someone who has spent more of my adult years alone than partnered your thread title is insulting.
I find it hard to understand why you need a partner to feel fulfilled- your life on its own, with children or not, should do this. Another person outside of your self should not have this role. Sure some people want to be part of a couple but that shouldn’t dictate their self worth.
If you are keen to meet someone put yourself in the position to do so, whether that’s online dating or whatever. But your life certainly isn’t ‘pointless’.

If all you wanted to do was rant about life being a ballache, then that's one thing, and you'd have saved yourself all the obvious irritation in your replies.

But you are actively putting the stick in your own spokes with your refusal to even countenance any ideas that can resolve the problems in the way of your perfect solution to everything (getting a partner).

Is there no local FB page you can join for recommendations, your friends truly have ZERO other friends or names of babysitters, there's no whatsapp group for the school where you can ask, your children's schoolfriends parents can't offer a suggestion (or a sitting swap)? I mean, I have no kids and I have just come up with four ideas that my parent friends have used.

You seem to think anyone you don't personally know is "random stranger off the internet" and you also flat-out refused to even do a trial run with you present. So what is it you want? A moan about being alone, or to find a solution that ultimately will help you find your Prince Charming?

I've been a single mum for 15 years OP. No help from ex at all, my dps are dead and other family is too far away.

I talked to friends, took recommendations, found a lovely trustworth baby sitter, and built a life.

And i went to events with ds. Took him to art galleries and open mic nights, sunday lunch in pub gardens or boating on the canal. Lunch dates. Running Parkrun with a buggy. A bit harder with two but there are still possibilities.

I had a boyfriend for 5 years while ds was small. Have dated since. You just have to be a bit creative.

Make 2026 the year you and your dcs get out there. 😊

People find babysitters on Facebook 😕

Of course they do but you are referring to mums that actually get breaks from their children. I don’t.

Facebook is online. Bloody scary people would find a babysitter on Facebook. At least the places people were telling me were actual websites for sitters! Still wouldn’t use them though. But Facebook 😕

Sorry but can we stop banging on about sitters, yes in a way I am “choosing” to be single because I won’t leave my kids with some random from a website so yes in a way I am “choosing it” but that wouldn’t be the case if my kids went to their fathers house every other weekend or 50/50 like most single mums, or I have parents that would watch them like most single mums, let’s face it most single mums certainly the ones I know! Aren’t hiring strangers from online and that is not something I’d ever consider no matter what “checks” I couldn’t relax at all.

Op, have you spoken to the school secretary? Asked for suggestions? My babysitter for a while was my ds' teaching assistant. Qualified, professional, paediatric first aid, local, they already knew each other well.

You have to talk to people. People will always be strangers if you refuse to get to know them. Asking for help is not a bad thing.

You are angry that your ex isn't making any contribution, and I get that, I had the same, but letting it impact your life in such a significant way is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Don't let him do that to you.

I would need to know someone years to not consider them a stranger, meeting a couple of times doesn’t mean you know someone. I wouldn’t ask the school as I wouldn’t want to look like I had no support. School is for teaching not a babysitting service.

I think you are highly unreasonable not considering a reputable babysitter as a single parent, especially if you have no one else in your network who could look after them. Do your children not go to nursery or do you not envisage them going to school? Again, these are professionals that need to be DBS checked. What about a child minder who minds multiple children at a time?

I honestly think you just want to have a moan for the sake of it and sound very helpless.

They go to school. I view that very different to a babysitter from online though? My kids are never ever left alone with their teachers.

So how about a childminder, or a club? Do you have any friends or family?

Never used a childminder. Yes I have family they just won’t babysit my kids.

Just since people keep going on about babysitters, I don’t even think that’s affordable for most single mums to maintain a relationship using sitters. from what I’ve seen most charge £20 an hour and want a minimum booking of 3 hours, so £60 before you’ve even left the house!? Then dinners and drinks? £100+ I think that would quickly become unaffordable. I don’t think most mums are maintaining a relationship by using sitters if they are then that’s probably why they get a reputation of using maintenance money for themselves as who has that kind of money?! I don’t get maintenance for my kids so any spare cash I have goes on them there isn’t hundreds spare for me to go on dates!

When you focus on problems, you’ll have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you’ll have more opportunities.

You are not the first single mother/parent in this world, and you certainly will not be the last. With kindness, you need to be more flexible and stop focusing on what you don’t have or can’t do, and start focusing on how you can get what you want to be happy.

There will also be a number of single Dads out there that I imagine may have a similar predicament or be understanding. You can certainly date, you may just need to be more creative about it.

The alternative of course is wallowing on mumsnet and doing absolutely nothing about it.

the choice is yours.

Great a single dad that also doesn’t get any time to himself sounds perfect 👍 😂🙄 we’d never see each other!

Yes I’m sure there are ways, I guess you are suggesting introducing them early “as a friend” or having him over when the kids are asleep. No thanks. I will wait till they grow up.

If you go through life this helpless, I guess it isn’t surprising you think a boyfriend will solve all your problems, as you are unable to.
if I wanted to date, I’d just do it. If I didn’t want to use a sitter (although I just looked it up and 85% of parents use them) I’d ask a friend, and offer to reciprocate. Or I’d go on a lunch date. Or I’d go when my children were on a play date. Or whatever.

God, why is anyone bothering responding?