Life is pointless when your single

[OnionOnions]

How can you stop feeling like life is pointless empty or sad if you don’t have a partner? I really wish I was one of those people that loved or embraced being single but I don’t I absolutely hate it. The only reason I stay single is because I’m a single parent and have my kids full time so can’t make a relationship work. If I didn’t I would be doing anything I could to find a loving relationship. I just feel life is better when you have someone by your side, to share it with. Is it normal to feel this way? I’m in my 30s so most people are settling down now and I feel like I will be alone forever.

I agree with this part of what you’re saying.

I don’t think it’s healthy to completely wrap your purpose up in being a parent OR a partner actually, so some of these replies are missing the mark IMO.

I actually think there is intrinsic value in life even if you strip all our labels away (mum dad,sister,doctor, teacher wife, husband,etc)

I agree with this too, there’s a bit of naivety going on here. Think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here for being honest.

We all know there are plenty of women - just take a look on Mn for one- that prioritise men whether they are mothers or not.

They may not open their mouth and be as honest as Op is by saying their lives are pointless without a man, but we can see that is how they feel through observation of how they jump from men to men.

In fact it’s often the kind of women who write on social media “my children are my whole world” who are the worst for it.

When you look at their relationship history, and the quality of those relationships it’s clear they don’t find life that great unless they have a man - and often a shitty one at that.

Thank you. I don’t know how people can be fulfilled by just being a mum. It’s been the most hardest, loneliest and stressful time for me. I don’t find it all that rewarding or satisfying if I’m honest and I think more people feel the same than they would admit, every single mum I know has got back into a new relationship so they clearly weren’t happy being single either.

@OnionOnions

Im 60 and one of those irritating been single forever, happy and not particularly looking for a partner people.
I have a 21 year old son at uni and a 12 year old foster child at home. Yes I have cats.
Do I leap out of bed every day yelling hooray Im single. Of course not. But I suspect couples don't either.
Child rearing has a lot of drudgery abouy it, single or not. But it is one phase of your life. The children will grow up, you will start to get your own life back.
In my 30s I was miserable for a lot of reasons. By my early 40s I'd straightened myself out. I became a single parent by adoption age 47. I expect to be parenting teens until I"m 65. I am content with my choices and can't wait for this part of my life to be over and I can have real freedom.

The key really is to be content with where you are in life now. You also need to be comfortable with yourself. A man may add something very valuable to your life but it won't make you a whole person.
You do have a choice here.
You can carry on being miserable or you can enjoy your children growing up and start planning for the next phase of your life.
And find a babysitter

Well, there are 2 issues here, then.

Firstly, get a babysitter. It's totally normal to get a local teenager or similar to babysit. It's certainly what I did when I wanted to date and had absolutely no help or support as a single parent!

Secondly, I used to be like you. Feeling like I needed a relationship to complete me. I think it was half horniness, half societal expectation. We are brought up being bombarded with messages that getting a man is the be all and end all in life.

This is propaganda from the patriarchy! I know very few heterosexual relationships- either with DC or without- where the man puts as much into the relationship as the woman does. Certainly, with all my relationships, I was the one tying myself into knots trying to smooth the way for him.

Now I'm perimenopausal I just cannot be bothered any more. The limited energy I have left after work and parenting is dedicated to me, and doing exactly what I want to do.

I'm certainly not fulfilled by just being a mum! I live for my limited childfree time- my solo camping expeditions and hikes, child free holidays, parties, gigs and time with friends. One of the reasons I don't want to be in a relationship again is that there are very few men of my age that can keep up with me. They pretend they can, but soon show themselves to be quite grumpy and dull.

I don’t know any teens and I wouldn’t use a random one I’m really surprised anyone would. Seems to be a mumsnet thing though I don’t know anyone irl who hires a person from online to look after their kids.

Just what happened to me kids left home I was left with a miserable husband, left him but hated being single, I had lots of friends most married. Then my luck changed a friend had just lost his wife asked me to dinner, I knew them well as a couple so no trust issues.
So definitely a vote for a partner or close friend

People are weird on here op. Of course you must feel incredibly isolated on your own with children and it's cruel of people to try to make you feel guilty.

Adults need other adults to talk to or they start to go insane. That's normal; not something you need therapy for! That's the problem with society today....people end up in awful, unnatural (for a human) circumstances and if they don't cope, they're pathologies and told they need therapy.

I don't know what the answer is though....I'm older than you and I'm single because there are very few men my age who I'd be attracted to. Plus I can't be bothered. I'd like a female companion but that doesn't seem to be a thing.

You clearly know other people who have children, though. Could you ask them who they use for babysitting? Could you do babysitting swaps with them, or arrange for some sleepovers?

Yeah I know lots of people who not only don’t feel fulfilled by being a mum but even actively regret it unfortunately.

There are so many mothers speaking up about the realities online nowadays and as more women clock on to the realities birth rates will continue to plummet.

I see it all over social media as well as some irl conversations I’ve had with older women who feel they can finally speak out nowadays. They are saying things like hey we love our kids but we may have chose differently if we had realised what it was going to be like, or we love our kids but don’t think motherhood is what it’s cracked up to be and so on.

Don’t get me wrong while I’m sure many do feel fulfilled by motherhood, by no means is it all mothers who feel like this - so no what you’re saying isn’t really that strange.

There is no easy answers but I hope things get better for you in the new year, OP.

All of your replies are focusing on the negatives. Start looking for solutions to the obstacles. If not start stocking up on the cat food.

Most mums won't admit it because they feel they're betraying their children, who they love and adore but perhaps would have had, had they known the truth. It's the constant worry I can't cope with.

@Lostsoultrip

And yet clearly some people see my life as pointless. It's really upsetting to be honest. I've never ever heard something so hurtful or anything that has dimished my entire existence so quickly. I'm floored.

Blimey, the OP is just saying how SHE feels. There's no need to feel hurt, upset, and 'floored.' Why are you taking it so personally? If someone came on here and said marriage is shit, and married women are wasting their lives being stuck with a man, I'd be like 'errr OK, sorry you feel like that, and that you have had a bad experience of being married,' but I wouldn't feel upset or 'floored.'

@Keepingthingsinteresting · Today 18:13

I find this massively offensive. So those of us who are single might as well kill ourselves as our life is pointless?

Same message to you. This is how the OP feels, and she is entitled to feel this way. It's bizarre that you are taking it so personally, and find it 'massively offensive...'

thank you, I totally agree!

No they have family or the kids dads are involved, sorry if that wasn’t clear that’s how they managed to date. They don’t want or need to swap babysitting favours

Look at the title of the thread to start with and tell me I shouldn't have feelings about that when it's my life. Imagine someone saying a life is pointless because they happen to be in a certain demographic. Pointless as in there is no point in me being around because of my life circumstances. Anyway, that's it. I won't be back on this thread as it's honestly caused me so much upset. Happy New Year to all even those of us that are pointless.

Absolutely. I remember seeing an article in the guardian several years ago back about a mother who regretted it and it was very taboo a woman coming out and saying this.

But in the past couple of years I’ve seen a lot of mothers are being very honest and outspoken online nowadays and - rightly or wrongly - it’s becoming more normalised to say it out loud.

I’m sorry you feel that way OP. It would be wrong of me to say “no, that’s not true,” because, clearly, for you it is. I don’t really have any advice, just a couple of observations:

1. Being in a relationship can be f-ing awful. It can be suffocating, lonely, grinding…horrible. As I was walking home through town today, I saw a couple in their 60s having a blazing row. It sounded like months, or years, of misery had reached boiling point and the lady was saying “I’ve just had it. I can’t go on like this. I’m not going into the New Year like this.” Then the husband walked away with the dog shaking his head, then stopped, then they began rowing again. Some relationships are happy and fulfilling, but so many aren’t.

2. So many other things can give life meaning. For me, it’s learning new things. My purpose is to learn as much as I can. I have a pile of books on science, history, philosophy, poetry etc that I want to get through this year. I want to read the classics, understand astronomy, and so on. Being kind to others, working for animal charities, rescuing dogs, meditating, exploring spiritual practices, communing with nature, etc, etc all give my life meaning. I don’t need a burping, farting, snoring man moaning and never wanting to go anywhere because he doesn’t want to spend the money.

I completely get where you're coming from.

In the 70s Mum and her friends had a babysitting circle. You got tokens for sitting and used them to pay for a sitter.

This is not impossible as a single Mum but it is harder.

As a single Mum I used a teen to baby sit. Her Mum was round the corner, we started small and built up. 25 years on she is a family friend.

Yes, that’s very true. Many, many women regret having children, but it isn’t always for the reasons people think (the cost, the lack of time, the impact it has on your body and career and dreams etc). For me, it’s simply the fear. Life has its good bits, but it’s mostly shit, and at its worst almost unendurable. I have had moments in my life that I couldn’t bear to re-live.

Deep down, I suspect a lot of parents feel guilty for bringing a child into the world knowing that they are going to suffer. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed. And seeing those we love suffer, and knowing that one day we won’t be here to comfort and support them, eats away at you.

Another person can't fix your life.

You can't base your life completely around having a partner just like you can't base your life completely around your kids. I get where you want that companionship and someone else around but you say you have no childcare options at all. You're going to have to think outside your box.

It sounds like it's not culturally acceptable where you are to be single and you've grown up with that mindset, along with not using babysitters (which has been a norm where I am for a few generations now). So you're an outlier in your community. Again, you need to think outside the box. You have no family or friends or other parent or their older kids that can watch your kids? Look at a babysitting service. Find someone you can trade babysitting with.

I do think you could be depressed and contact your GP for evaluation.

I'm my kids only living parent and no living grandparents and it can be really tough going at times, but I did use sitters and neighbors and friends. We exchange services a lot here. I really enjoyed being married, but I really enjoy being unmarried too.

I have a couple of single never married no kids friends a bit older than me in their 50's and they have the fullest and most interesting lives out of everyone I know, with travel, hobbies, volunteering, work they enjoy and choose their own hours because they only need to pay for themselves not a family.

They also look a lot younger and generally happier and more alive than those in couples especially with kids, they have more time for exercise and self care, no domestic conflict and they only buy/cook food that they want to eat.

They have both said they would like to meet someone but would not be willing to cohabit or alter their lifestyle.

I am married, and like many others often feel far more lonely than at times when I have been single. My husband tolerates me, is bad tempered and has no conversation. He hasn't touched me since two thousand and fecking eleven.

The grass over there might look greener but equally it could just be really lush algae floating on top of a rotten stinking swamp.

I think a lot of posters are going in on OnionsOnions but she's just voicing how she feels. She wants a partner. She's one of those people that want to be paired up and that makes her life better. For her, being single is pointless. She's not saying for everyone.

Same with not enjoying her kids so much. She's single parenting with zero support and that is a really, really hard position to be in. There is no respite no matter what, she has to be on 24/7/365 and it's also a scary place to be.

It sounds like it's not culturally acceptable where you are to be single and you've grown up with that mindset, along with not using babysitters (which has been a norm where I am for a few generations now). So you're an outlier in your community. Again, you need to think outside the box. You have no family or friends or other parent or their older kids that can watch your kids? Look at a babysitting service. Find someone you can trade babysitting with.

no this isn’t true my mum was a single mum of 6 children.