Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

You must register your house as marital home at the Land registry docs- then he can’t kick you out - do it tomorrow

You are just making stuff up, that is no help to the OP.

@lollygirl2
They aren’t married and it’s HIS house.

Ah thought she said DH…stbxh

I would not do the big confrontation. As others have suggested i would just message and leave. Its his house so don't hand him the power of making you leave.

We are not married and I have no say in the house.
I have somewhere to go but it's not ideal due to distance and schools/work

I spoke to the council homeless support team, they advise staying put, calling the police if there's any difficulty and contacting the council mediation who will negotiate with him to try and allow me to stay here until I can sort a home nearby.

I know it's a bit of a crappy plan but I can't just leave as much as I'd like to walk away.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5445758-how-to-word-this-without-letting-him-know-that-i-know
This is OP's previous thread.

Honestly? I would do nothing until New Year. You've held on this long, don't put you and your DC at risk. Find another home, keep your powder dry.

Do you think he would be open to letting you stay until you find somewhere suitable?

Or can you hold tight and keep your powder dry until you find somewhere?

Say nothing for now, if you can rent somewhere then arrange that and move out without saying a thing.
Once you are settled in tell him what you want. But I wouldnt even let him know where you live

In that case, I would I say nothing. He is obviously a cheating, lying oxygen thief but your priority has to be finding appropriate accommodation for you and your DC. Unless you are at risk of actual harm, I’d say nothing until I’d secured suitable accommodation. After that? All bets are off. He’s a twat.

I think I’d quietly organise somewhere else to live then let him know what I thought of him on moving out day, doing it the council way sounds way too stressful but I guess a last resort option if you had no money to move.

Thus isn't necessarily true, if she has been paying towards mortgage or bills.

But would need to talk to a solicitor

I agree with everyone , definitely say nothing, take time to organise everything re accommodation, move out when he is at work , nothing to be gained telling him tomorrow unless you want to stay ?

If you have somewhere to go - go there. Why on earth put yourself in the situation of being in the house with him just to save on school / work commute?

In your situation, I wouldn't say anything and would focus on organising somewhere for you and dc to live. Then just move out once you have somewhere to go, when he is at work/ shacked up for the weekend again with ow .
You aren't married and it's his house. He could literally throw you out on the street if he decided too.

I would concentrate on finding somewhere to live before confronting him.

It is completely true, no matter how bad his behaviour is, if she ends it withhim, he can tell her to leave and nothing entitles the council to force him to allow her to stay there. And if he just tells her to leave, there is no reason to call the police.

OP you really need to hold back until you can get out under your own steam. Or you could end up on the streets pretty bloody quickly.

Yes OP you need somewhere to live first

I wouldn't even bother with confronting him if it was myself. I would get yourself sorted first to leave. Think about it well and make sure you and your kids will be ok, bills wise etc. Sort out any joint bank accounts, how any outstanding Bill/credit cards etc should be sorted, put away all important documents for yourself and the kids, passports, birth certs etc. and living arrangements. And then just leave

Given that he owns the house and you have no right at all to be there I would alsonadvise keeping your powder dry and just leaving without even speaking to him at a time of your convenience.

I think my parting shot would be that finding out that he is into Incest /Daddy porn is fucking gross.

I will hold your hand, and I'm sorry this has happened to you, but also I really think you should have somewhere to move to before you confront him. If you confront him. You said yourself you don't know him any more. Once he knows the game is up, he could become unrecognisable.
If you can't go to the place that's not ideal for work and school, can you stay put until after new year when places are open and you can try to find somewhere to rent?

.

Shove a load of prawns under the mattress before you leave..
Send 1 message tonight that proves you know then block him until tomorrow.. Ruin his evening. Why not?. Make fast plans to move out. You can't stop him living there if he owns it. Contact the utility companies and agree you are responsible for half the bills up until tomorrow only.
Exh tried to stitch me for everything including council tax...

I don't think you should say anything until you have a solid housing plan in place. Ultimately the upheaval will upset you and your children and make his life easier.
Stay put and wait until you have somewhere to go that is suitable for you and your kids.
Moving out so quickly into less than suitable accommodation will only hurt you not him.
Good luck op this is awful. Sending lots of luck and strength to you