Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

I realize I'm in such a vulnerable position and I was so stupid to allow this to happen.

I don't want to move the DC until the end of the school year. It will be so disruptive.

OP you don’t allow this to happen

it’s on him and him alone

Are you in a position financially to be able to rent somewhere for you and your DC?

OP - as much as you want to tell him to let out your anger - you need to pull yourself together and be pragmatic. Think about what is best for your children.

At this point - you need to plan and organise a place for your and your children. And once that is lined up - just move. There is no need for some big confrontation - why give him the power over you. Leave and don't look back - when you HAVE a place to go to.

You can't just throw someone out of their primary residence with five minutes' notice (unless they're a threat to you). I see this misconception all the time on here. It's ILLEGAL. If you have a live-in partner who's not on the tenancy or the mortgage, you have to give reasonable written notice and you can't use force. Reasonable notice is usually a month.

Of course, if you own the property together, are on the lease together, and/or married then it's even more difficult. But even in informal relationships, if the home is someone's primary residence, you cannot simply kick them out instantly. If someone tries, you call the police and they let the kicking party know that they are unable to do that.

@SoftBalletShoes if if OP's boyfriend can't just throw her out - the atmosphere in the house IF she confronts him will not great, and the kids will live in the middle of conflict. What would that achieve?
OP is much better to sort her housing situation first, leave, and then have her time telling him whatever she wants.

Then say nothing but plan your move.
Stick it out til july if you must.

But.... you could move out rent somewhere lical to schools next month.not a big deal

Either way there is no point confronting him
He does not care.

I think telling him right now in the middle of Christmas holidays with another bank holiday coming would be foolish OP, you’ve left yourself in too vulnerable of a position. Find somewhere to live, do it when the kids are at school the next day and make sure you have money set aside.

Living in that atmosphere after a big confrontation is going to be as disruptive, or more so, than having to change schools etc mid year.

Find alternative accommodation first.

Can you go to a women's refuge they take kids too xx

Why tell him now. Let him continue as he is until you are in a position to get your own place.

Whilst everyone is getting you all fired up and to go in all guns blazing
the harsh reality is will he be that bothered and how realistic is it to launch into him then expect to live in his house for 9 months

I’m sure this is an avenue you’ve already thought of, but is there ANYONE you could ask to stay with? Honestly I would happily temporarily take in a friend and their kids in this situation rather than them be in danger or in a hostel.

Why are you in his house still? I’f be at least in a hotel. Your ducks are not in a row at all yet.

Yes, it would be better to sort out housing, and then leave/break up when her next place is ready.

She doesn't need a women's refuge and shouldn't be taking up valuable spaces in one, since she has mentioned nothing about being in danger.

She has many options. Confront and then stay for a few weeks, since he can't just kick her out. Don't confront but break up amicably and stay while she gets sorted. Say nothing but get a place sorted and then leave/break up/confront.

What are your plans if he throws you out? Sorry to be harsh but it needs considering. Until you are in a position to leave, don’t confront him. Start siphoning off cash
where you can and leave when you have found somewhere, put a deposit down an are ready to move. If he’s not abusivemthen wait until the summer. You
could put yourself down for a council
house.

women’s refuges/hostels are awful.

Legally, he cannot throw her out. This is a misconception. It's illegal to deprive someone of their primary residence without reasonable written notice, generally a month.

OP your plan is not good. You should sort housing and things out first before confronting him. It will turn nasty and then you’ll have the live with him for a little or long while.

i found out about an affair and sat on it for 4 months, I confronted on my chosen day. Much better than way

But in reality he can make it hard for her to stay and damaging for her kids, and she still might not have anywhere in a month anyway

The drama on this thread is completely needless and really stupid. She has said nothing about being in danger; he cannot instantly throw her out; and she doesn't need to leave immediately or go to a women's refuge. Jeez! She's discovered he's cheating so the best thing to do is make her own living arrangements and then leave at a suitable time. Job done.

I'd speak again to the council, as it may be their policy that they don't have to house you if you leave voluntarily. You may need to STBX to tell you to leave if you want to be housed by the council, or they may accept 'relationship breakdown' as an acceptable reason .. I'm not up to speed on this, but I'm sure other people on here will be.
This doesn't matter if you are able to rent privately.

Sure. Which is why she should sort out somewhere else and then leave before saying anything. But this instant kicking-out business is a total misconception.

I agree she needs to sort something else first, now is not the time to blow up her life with little to no plan.

Bide your time, OP. There’s no reason why this needs to be raised with him tomorrow. Wait until you’re in a more solid position.