Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you sound amazing.
I think he likes the excitement of OW and the whole 'penchant for being called Daddy' thing but maybe he's ashamed of that aspect too and wants to hide it. He loves having you and the kids round for that comfort of family life, which is what men of his age should be doing and it hides his true nature. Maybe he knows he will lose friends when it all comes out. He probably knows he's a complete shit inviting you into his home and while still going off with the other woman, he knows he would screw up your dd's life and he just doesn't actually like OW enough to do that. He thinks he's doing the right thing by not telling you and waiting.
If you can stomach it and pretend you don't know and take advantage of this, save like mad, take savings out of the joint account and put them in an ISA as that's a great excuse as it's individual, tell him you're struggling financially, as since moving in you have no benefits and you need to pull your belt in and save a back up fund. Hopefully he will feel so guilty that he will be generous, as he may realise that that benefits him too because then he when he eventually tells you and you can leave quickly.
Wishing you the best of luck

Thank you @HmmmIAmPondering for a lovely and supportive post. I think I agree with your thinking. It's like he almost doesn't compute he's leading a double life and got himself in this situation.

I was so ready to confront and call him out on all his lies. But now I wonder if biding my time and planning is a more effective strategy. It really doesn't matter what he says to me because it won't make any difference to me. I am leaving him once DD finishes college.

Yet, I wonder if I shouldn't be complicit in his lies? I've stopped pretending we are a couple and as time passes I feel more and more indifferent to his future. I kind of feel a bit sorry for him really, he's clearly got some issues and the messages from the OW are short and his are long and cringey and all lovey dovey. She's welcome to the knob.

Take pictures of the worst ones.
They might be useful if he gets unpleasant when you do leave and you can tell him you will be using them to explain the split to family and mutuals.
Creep.

I've got lots of evidence, photos and screenshots etc. Most on my phone but also saved some to my email and some to my work desktop.

Any update on Housing op?

@PeeledOranges - you seem to not be able to decide and stick to a plan. You know you need to not cause drama now for your daughter - but yet you seem to want to.

Meanwhile - your daughter is entering the final stretch before her exams. Even if she is not applying to unis - the exam results are important to her. Can you really not put your emotions aside and prioritise her for a bit?

It's not about being complicit. It's not about him at all. It's about keeping the peace and not having a blow-up at home - becoming homeless - or moving far away. Yes - this is unfair, uncomfortable, painful,..... and many other things.
But it's your reality. And it's part of being a parent - putting yourself last sometimes. Especially as it was your choice to end up in this financially vulnerable situation.

I am sorry if this is harsh. But I do think you need to get out of the MN-cloud where it's always about "you deserve better" and "follow your feelings - which is the only important thing". Life as a parent can not always be about your own feelings - if you don't think about your kids' needs - who would????.
We may deserve better - but we have the reality that we have. Accepting it - even when it is unfair - is important.

@Sashya I’m a little bit confused here - are you advising OP that the best strategy is to suck it up and stay put?

It obviously depends on how much OP can cope with, but generally speaking your parents mental health is generally far more important than whether you’re going to prepare for your exams in one house or another. People move homes and schools all the time, it’s not ideal but also not the end of the world as we know it.

I do understand what you are saying @Sashya and you're right. I have been jumping from one side to the other about what I am going to do. As my emotions settle and the shock eases I am coming to the conclusion that staying put and quiet for now is the better option for me and my DD.
It's hard though but I feel mentally stronger as time goes on. At first I didn't think I could do this but that is changing now and I am going to make the best of things as they are.

@Sashya I’m speechless - are you seriously suggesting that anyone should put up with their partner cheating? If I found out my partner had cheated on me, it would be the last day they would spend under the same roof as me, whatever the consequences. And I say that understanding what a very very difficult position the OP is in. I realise people have different tolerance levels, but to suggest the OP ‘puts her emotions aside’ is one of the most shocking statements I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet. She has found out that her partner has been deceiving her and shagging another woman - how do you ignore that?

I take your point, it's awful to contemplate .
Having said that i could put my "emotions to one side' if it benefited my child and myself. i'd definitely do it if it were in my child and my best interests.
Everyone is different though.

I am not ignoring the fact he has been playing around. I am making plans to leave when I can and when is best for me and my children. It would be foolish to blow everything up without a plan or somewhere to go. So I am planning and saving and distancing myself from him right now.

I am "sitting" on my real feelings and my anger for now while it benefits me to be here.

@PeeledOranges Please don’t think that I’m criticising what you’ve decided to do - I was just very taken aback by the attitude of the poster I replied to. It’s one thing keeping quiet for a short time while you make plans to leave, which you’ve decided to do, and the attitude of the previous poster which read to me like recommending that what your partner has done is something you should brush under the carpet and put up with in the longer term for your daughter’s sake. I really wish you well if you can continue to live under the same roof as him for now knowing what he has done and is continuing to do, but it’s not something I could do.

I don't know what to say and I'm not in a position to give advice, but I'm sorry about what's happened and wish you well

Funnily enough when you have nowhere to go, no options at all, you probably find it within you to bite your tongue for as long as you can. It’s the brave thing to do, as it will help her manage the transition calmly for her DCs.

If I was in the OP's awful situation and it was months off critical exams for my daughter, I would 100% suck it up and get through it for my child.
It would be far less painful for me than knowing I was responsible for disrupting her education with negative consequences.
A complete no brainer to me.

@Tinsles me too, absolutely. I’ve done exactly that. Not ‘sucked it up’, but kept what was going on quiet.

@PeeledOranges very glad that was helpful, it does sound like he's in denial.
You are in a very difficult position and I admire your calm approach. I, on the other hand, would be red faced and blubbing constantly so no hiding it. Whatever you decide will be the best you can manage in the circumstances, but make sure you do the best by you and don't worry about being complicit in his lies, no one will judge you, he's the lier not you, but they will see that you've done the best you can by your children.
I guarantee he will lose friends, regret what he's done, and break up with ow in a matter of months. A similar thing happened to a friend, idiot man realised what he'd done after completely breaking her heart. I'm so sorry you're going through this, people can be terribly selfish and cruel.

Re housing laws and evictions - FIRST we need to know what country this is in and if appropriate, which state.
No advice matters until we know where they are. Laws differ from country to country, and also state to state where those exist.

I agree, stay put and save up hard! You will be the one laughing when move out day comes.
I hope you keep him away sexually...

@Growlybear83 & @reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson - are you even parents? And have you had kids going through important exams that would in many ways will define how their lives turn out?
I am guessing - if you have kids they are small. Or, maybe, you are young and really that narcissistic - where only you matter.

Yes - of course, if OP could afford moving to a different house with doable proximity to her DD school - she should. And of course - her DD could prep for exams there, with only a bit of disruption of breakup/moving.
This is NOT the situation OP is facing. She can not afford rent - so can either go into refuge, or stay with family not within accessible distance of her DD's school.
(hope I got it right OP). This is a lot of drama and upheaval, and it does put OP and her children into vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation.

So - the high horse of - "if I found out he was cheating - that'll be the last day we spent under one roof" - only works if you have financial options. And/Or if you will be OK with dragging your kids into homeless shelters.

Personally - I'd find it very selfish if a woman did act this way and dragged kids into homelessness. Yes - it's a temporary sacrifice to put up with the cheater. OP has known since November, and they are not having sex for over a year already - so it's more of a case of hanging on for a bit longer, and holding back her emotions. And the reason for doing that is to give OP time to save up money to provide her children with save housing AFTER her DD is done with exams. This is what a parent should do.

That's not what she said.

I think you've missed a lot of this thread.

She was encouraging OP to continue with what she has already set out and begun to action.

I know this used to be the case, as a friend did this, but that was quite a few years ago. Please check asap and do not lose any more money by not claiming if you are entitled.

The OP says she has been in contact with the local authority homeless team, knows she has no rights to his home, and is claiming universal credit. I think from that we can deduce she is in the UK, probably not in Scotland where legislation can be different.

I am in the UK,
We have not slept together for nearly 2 years and have it's not going to be an issue.

I am staying put, quietly saving and distancing myself from the relationship. My dd is my priority right now. The atmosphere in the house is fine, no animosity at all and the dcs are unaware which is how I will keep it for now.

@Sashya your summary of my situation is correct.

I haven’t read that persons post so apologies if it was really horrid. I do understand what she means though. The OP has literally no bargaining chip here. She doesn’t have enough money to move out and has no claim on the house. Her only real option is to ignore him as best as she can until she can get out. If she shouts and screams and says it’s over he would be well within his (legal, not moral) rights to ask her to leave. Or she could tell the council she is homeless which is a horrible prospect. It is clearly a very unusual set up. A man that obviously doesn’t love her but is happy for her to stay in his home. I feel desperately sorry for the OP but I can see why people are telling her to hang in there and switch off her emotions as best as she can - really if you think about it, it’s her last fuck you to him. Using his property to save up and get the hell out and never look back. My sister once told me that I maybe should stay in an unhappy relationship until the children were older. I was distraught at her suggestion. Looking back, I would have had an easier time had I stayed and saved up and strengthened my position.