Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

What a hard position to be in. I have been in a similar position but luckily it was my house so I bagged his things up and they were waiting outside for him on his return.

I think you need to sort out living arrangements before letting him know that you know. I would try and find somewhere as soon as possible and just leave without all the drama. Showing him what proof you have and kicking off isn’t going to change the situation and will just cause more issues for you and the dc. Plan your escape and leave quietly. Yes he is an awful person, a cheat and he’s full of lies, but you don’t need any proof to leave. Keep your dc safe and plan your escape.

Also…….never put yourself or your dc in this situation again. Moving into someone else’s house (that they own) whilst you have dc to consider is very risky.

agree with @Moonlightfrog . Please don’t confront him. Just get busy getting out of that house with your children. Do it for them. If you confront him things will become awful in that house and possibly dangerous.

And that accommodation could be a long way away from schools etc.

The council here use a hotel 18 miles away initially, there's no emergency accommodation for families in the whole district.

Appreciate this is an absolutely horrible situation to be stuck in, but given you are homeless and don’t want to disrupt the school year - is there any chance of just waiting it out?

You could continue building savings, selling off odds and ends that one fit in a tiny flat on Vinted so that you have effectively decluttered, get yourself into the best possible situation with your career and building your network of support etc.

Do you have your own car and bank accounts?

Probably housing laws, if you look it up! The poster isnt saying you have the right to live in someones elses house , they are saying you just cant simply throw them out onto the streets.

Unless the DC are in y11 or y13 I really don't think waiting until the end of the school year should be necessary.

Why not hold your fire, find housing, then move out and tell him why?

I would leave if you can and just block him. Never talk to him again. Let him stew in his own vile soup. Hope you are all OK, he sounds awful.

Good luck today OP. I've been through similar and I'm a year on now and life is so much brighter. I promise you'll be okay x

I would box up any possessions which you absolutely couldn't live without, anything with sentimental value. Ask if a friend can look after them for you, or arrange to move stuff into a storage unit. I would worry that when you tell him you know about the affair, he may just kick you out there and then and change the locks.

I would contact Shelter for advice. They're so good at joining up all the dots in these sorts of situations and helping come up with an action plan.

Please don't listen to people who tell you that you have the right to stay in that house and that he needs to leave. Simply, it's his house and he isn't going to just let you keep it. It isn't a book or an exercise bike you're fighting over. It's a house. They're extremely expensive. And it belongs to him. This isn't an episode of Eastenders where some have 5 houses with various exes living in them for free.

This happened to me some decades ago. He met someone else just before I had his baby. The house was all his, and he simply told me to leave. Never let me through the door again, not even for ease of collections / drop offs for the child. He became extremely petty and very nasty. I moved back to the family home - and loved it so much I ended up staying there for many more years! Is this an option for you?

Easy for me to say now I'm older and wiser, but confrontation will get you nowhere and will just make him angry. He is either going to:

• keep seeing her on the side while keeping you, (or so he thinks). This is pretty much what's happening now.

• at least do the honest thing and leave you for her.

• or do what so many men do and say "I'm going to be single, I'm oh so confused" and then you later learn that he moved the OW in immediately all along.

The second two options he will throw you out for. The first option is NOT an option. You need to make a plan to get out of there. I know you have kids but are there any family or friends who can take you all in?

OP, i’m not sure that confronting him is the best course of action if you don’t have a concrete plan for where you will live. You’re not married, your children aren’t his, and it’s his house. I appreciate that you don’t want to pretend any more, but without a place to go you would be making yourself very vulnerable by confronting him. It’s also completely understandable that you don’t want to uproot your children before the end of the school year, but if you confront him you are risking that anyway.

If you really must confront him, then you will have to be prepared to leave. I realise this is a horrible situation, but confronting him now will not make anything better in a practical sense. You need a concrete plan.

Not saying she should stay, however if it is. His and she. Has been paying a goodcportion of mortgage or towards repairs, improvements etc she would be entitled to something potentially. However, it's more important she gets ou tsafe with kids and can address rhat down the line if an option.

Right.

And he's not even a landlord. She pays no rent and has no tenancy agreement.

I really agree with this.
He's scum and its over.
Having a big blow up and showing your hand is going to take you in an unknown direction.

You are thinking only of yourself and not your children.
Your priority shouldn't be confronting him.
Its over. You know that.
Confronting him will not change anything.
All it will do is create huge drama for your children.

You need to swallow your pride and put your children first.
You moved your children in with him and they are mid school year.
NOTHING comes ahead of your children getting through the year peacefully.

Get your head together and get organised over the next six months and put aside your feelings, fury and ego.

He's scum, accept that.
You can expose him all you want on your terms, AFTER your children have finished the school year.

Messing up your childrens exam year could have long term negative consequences.
Your children might rightly hold that against you for ever.
Do not be guided by your emotions, fury, and heart.

Be practical and put whats best for your children first.
Do not allow their education become collateral damage to your love life and this prick.

I'll echo the others. I wouldn't confront him until I had everything sorted. Assuming he is a nice guy and just let's you live in his house without any conflicts, the atmosphere will be terrible. And what if he starts bringing her over or dating publicly with your kids still there?

Or he if gets nasty? Legally not beig able to kick you lut doesnt mean he won't and thwn have to go through the police every time.

Say nothing until you are ready to leave. The atmosphere will be shit for your kid to live in. Its his home. You need to organise new accommodation and get out. If you are named on the bills you need to inform the utilities you are leaving. Give them meter readings on the date you leave. Also inform council tax.

I really don't think moving mid school year is a bad thing for most year groups. It could even be helpful. eg better to move mid y9 than start of y10 (to sort options, help the school set them). Arguably also better to move mid y6 to make friends in new area before moving to secondary.

Actually a person can be asked to leave a property immediately. If the tenancy isn't in their name, not on the deeds, not married, no children together then they have no interest in the property. So they can be told to leave, which is why confronting the partner in this case could be problematic.

Marry the fucker.
You've been thinking over Christmas you want to make it official etc cheapo skip to the alter.
Little while later you've got more protection and rights.
Cunt.

There’s no period set in stone. Realistically, ‘reasonable notice’ is no longer than a month, two perhaps if you highlight that you have children, but as they’re not his children, there will be nothing longer than that. And he will also be there in the meantime. Even if you start looking immediately you won’t be moving in much less than 8 weeks. Better to keep your mouth shut for now. And hope the DM or FB don’t pick this up as it’s pretty outing.

So many posts and advice - I am grateful.

To try and answer a few points, firstly I don't think I can act normal and not say anything until July. These last 3 weeks have been terrible for my mental health.
Secondly, dd is in year 13 right now. Moving would be detrimental to her.
Thirdly, I do have a relative who has invited us to live there. However it's too far to commute to school and work. We would be safe though.
Fourthly, I work full time. I drive but don't own a car. I have a tiny amount of savings. Not enough to put a deposit down in a rented house though.
Fifth, I could claim UC if I was single. I managed very well before I met this prick. At the moment I can't claim and most of my wages go towards the cost of living here.

So I feel like I need to say something.

Also I will never ever put myself in this position again.

So what do you think saying something will realistically achieve?

Could you afford rent on your salary alone?
How long will it take to get a deposit together?

If you can get together a realistic plan to leave fairly soon, it might be worth staying a month longer, saying nothing and making those plans.

But if it’s going to take time (months), I’d honestly consider leaving to stay with your relative now, and figuring out a solution for the commute to school/work.

The alternatives are:

1.Stay and say nothing for 6 months (I can’t see how you could possibly do this?! The strain on you will be unbearable)

2.Have a big row today and stay for 6 months completely at the mercy of this man, who I can guarantee will follow the cheater’s script, turn nasty and blame it all on you. This will play out in front of your kids.

The disruption and uncertainty of a move to your relatives has to be better than either of the above.

What will you do if he kicks you and your kids out? I think I’d personally spend more time getting things in order before saying anything.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this OP at this time of the year (not that there’s ever a good time) but I hope you can keep putting one foot on front of the other because eventually you’ll get there. You’ve done so well already. Keep your head, try and get some good sleep whenever you can and please be kind to yourself while you work things out for yourself and your children. By the way, do you contribute to the household in financial terms?

If so, you could go down the route of proving beneficial interest which could give you a right to a share in sale proceeds and you could apply for an Occupation Order if he threatens to remove you from the house. Keep records of common intention e.g., any verbal or written agreement that you own a share or have a right to the property e.g., paying bills. These are some options if you need to buy some time and don’t want to be left completely out of pocket.