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Original poster

How to word this without letting him know that I know?

158 replies

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:16

Hi,
I have been in a (what I thought was very happy) relationship for nearly 5 years now. Approx 18 months to 2 years ago the intimacy just stopped, this was usually led by DP but even when I tried to initiate I was gently knocked back. The result of this is no sex life, no bedtime cuddles and the last few weeks he has even started going to bed an hour before me and our usual time (we live together btw).
I feel really upset about this. I am attracted to him and miss the intimacy so much. It makes me feel sad and not as close a couple as we used to be.

I need help to word the above as I am not very good at stating how I feel and what I need or when things upset me.

The big problem here is that I now know he has been messaging people on line. I found out by accident when I saw a dating app on his phone. I didn't realise at first as it is a new one (Pure dating - it's actually a hook up app from what I gather). So I did a little bit of digging and have discovered a whole string of messages with another woman in the first half of last year, some very explicit. I am not sure if they met up but the messages were upsetting to see. And he did try to reconnect with her in July this year but got knocked back.

Obviously this ties together. I can't say I know about the affair, firstly I don't want to be accused of snooping (well not until I have got myself together to move out which will be after Christmas) and secondly I need to be able to access my sources without him knowing because I have discovered some other stuff too.
I know he hides his phone from me when he is messaging and I know he's lied about his whereabouts on different occasions.

Please help me word something to say how upset I am about the lack of intimacy without loosing my shit at all the other stuff that I've discovered.

(After typing all this out I am wondering whether just to keep quiet for now anyway, I made a list of all my random suspicions and it adds up to 17 things so far . . ) I can't believe I am in this situation. So sad about it all.

OP posts:
fireandlightening · 17/11/2025 15:22

I'm assuming you are just biding your time until you've got your ducks in a row and can move out? So, what is the point of having a conversation about the lack of intimacy?? And, so sorry you are in this situation.

TheThingOnTheIce · 17/11/2025 15:25

You’re overthinking it
he’s cheating
you want to leave him
you don’t need to tell him anything other than you don’t want to be with him any longer

Thundertoast · 17/11/2025 15:27

Dont say anything, gather your evidence and then leave, preferably without saying a word and leaving behind a folder with the evidence printed out for him, but understand thats probably just a revenge fantasy!

tsmainsqueeze · 17/11/2025 15:32

Don't say a word , in the mean time make your plan to leave then when your ready just go.
He is not worth your breath ,be thankful you caught him out.

Zempy · 17/11/2025 15:33

What’s the point?

Tell him you don’t fancy him any more and want to separate. See how he likes that.

What is your housing/financial situation?

BadgernTheGarden · 17/11/2025 15:39

Surely you don't want intimacy if he's off with various women from dating apps, the last thing you would want is for him to suddenly be looking for sex with you as well. This relationship is dead he's lost interest in you and found interest in casual pick ups. Just get organised, leave and find someone else who appreciates you.

80s · 17/11/2025 15:49

Get an STD check and ask yourself why you are thinking about sleeping with him again in future.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/11/2025 15:50

All of the above. You know he’s been cheating, you are planning to leave him. You now know why he hasn’t wanted sex with you, and presumably you don’t want to have sex with him - so a letter or conversation about it is unnecessary. What are you going to say if he says “you’re right, we need to try harder, let’s see a sex therapist / start trying to make time for romance and sex”?

I really wouldn’t worry about being able to access “sources” or getting evidence. You know what he’s been doing, you’ve seen it. He can deny it, but that doesn’t erase what you know. You don’t have to prove anything in order to end your relationship; even if you were married, you wouldn’t need evidence of cheating to divorce. Just concentrate on sorting out all the practical and financial necessities you need in order to transition out of the relationship safely and securely, rather than waste time and energy trying to get a file together of all his bad behaviour. Not wanting to be with him anymore is the only reason you need.

80s · 17/11/2025 15:51

Can you spend Christmas with friends or family?

PashaMinaMio · 17/11/2025 15:54

Thundertoast · 17/11/2025 15:27

Dont say anything, gather your evidence and then leave, preferably without saying a word and leaving behind a folder with the evidence printed out for him, but understand thats probably just a revenge fantasy!

Oh yes, I like this approach.
Let him come home one day and find you gone.
Cool, calm, collected and …. Powerful!

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:57

I've got family coming for Christmas from abroad so I just can't cancel now. Plus I have to arrange a house to rent. I am pretty broke anyway - the house is his and I moved in last year after a lot of discussion about living together.
I am bitterly regretting this.
If I could go I would but lack of money and options is keeping me here for a while, maybe up to 6 months while I get things together. I have no family nearby but I can ask for a loan in the new year from my brother.

I guess I just can't quite get my head around the magnitude of this betrayal and I am not thinking straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:58

And no, I don't really want intimacy, more to raise the issue to make him aware that his choices are hurting me.
but That seems daft written down doesn't it?

OP posts:
Northquit · 17/11/2025 16:00

Copilot AI is very good at this sort of thing. You can talk through options until you get something you're happy with

BlueBarnOwl · 17/11/2025 16:00

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:58

And no, I don't really want intimacy, more to raise the issue to make him aware that his choices are hurting me.
but That seems daft written down doesn't it?

Do what is best for you. Figure out the time it will take for you to be able to leave him, and keep quiet until then.

Mondaymanic · 17/11/2025 16:02

OK so I've been in this situation. My take on this is knowing what you know you don't want intimacy anyways. So don't raise it. Plod along as you're doing whilst you get your ducks in a row and save to rent etc. Then the minute you're in the position, break up. That's the time to explain exactly what you know and how you felt. I really hate spineless people like your partner. If you're no longer attracted to someone, grow a set and leave them so they can find someone who will. But some people stay because they've a comfy life and can't be arsed losing that. It's pure selfish. So sorry you're in this situation. And by the way, someone no longer being attracted to you doesn't mean you're not attractive. It's just the chemistry or whatever you want to call it is no longer there for them. Selfish as hell to not be honest.

And being out the other side, you'll possibly pleasantly surprised how others find you attractive and think your partner was mad!

Seawolves · 17/11/2025 16:03

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:58

And no, I don't really want intimacy, more to raise the issue to make him aware that his choices are hurting me.
but That seems daft written down doesn't it?

He knows but doesn't care, don't give him the satisfaction. Gather yourself and get an action plan in place to leave.

80s · 17/11/2025 16:10

There are some issues with trying to get him to realise or acknowledge that his actions hurt you.
One issue is that he's presumably intelligent enough to work out what might hurt you, and he's chosen to act that way anyway. Another issue is that you're seeking comfort, understanding, relief from your hurt - but you're seeking it at the source of your pain.
It's hard to get out of that mindset of being a team, sharing thoughts, talking through things as a couple. But maybe you can find support elsewhere instead?

Untangling the mess can feel impossible. You don't have to sort it all out at once, Baby steps are fine.
Are you sure your family abroad can't stay somewhere else, or even cancel? They will understand if you mention relationship trouble. I went through one Christmas with an almost exh, and it was pretty grim.

Sourdillpicklesandmore · 17/11/2025 16:13

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:57

I've got family coming for Christmas from abroad so I just can't cancel now. Plus I have to arrange a house to rent. I am pretty broke anyway - the house is his and I moved in last year after a lot of discussion about living together.
I am bitterly regretting this.
If I could go I would but lack of money and options is keeping me here for a while, maybe up to 6 months while I get things together. I have no family nearby but I can ask for a loan in the new year from my brother.

I guess I just can't quite get my head around the magnitude of this betrayal and I am not thinking straight.

I would like to encourage you to cancel op! And ask for help from your brother now! Or move back in with your family now! Ask them to come to a different location when they visit and ask if you can stay with them and go home with them if possible?

Christmas will be hideous pretending everything is fine when it really isn’t. Bluntly, you don’t need to put yourself through that shite!

Just gather your stuff and be gone when he gets home from work. Ask for help from friends and family. Take the initiative op. Screw up his Christmas!

redfishcat · 17/11/2025 16:13

You need a running away fund.
Always keep enough money in a private, separate account so you can rent a room or a flat at a moments notice. And pay a man with a van to move your stuff.
My grandma told me this when I was 18, and it has stood me in good stead a time or two.

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 16:15

"One issue is that he's presumably intelligent enough to work out what might hurt you, and he's chosen to act that way anyway. Another issue is that you're seeking comfort, understanding, relief from your hurt - but you're seeking it at the source of your pain."

Very wise words - thank you for pointing this out. You are absolutely spot on because we are or have been best friends up until this. Sadly I don't have any friends around that I can lean on.

I am kicking myself for being so stupid here.

OP posts:
NimbleDreamer · 17/11/2025 16:15

PeeledOranges · 17/11/2025 15:58

And no, I don't really want intimacy, more to raise the issue to make him aware that his choices are hurting me.
but That seems daft written down doesn't it?

Yes it does. Do you think he will change his behaviour if you point out to him how it is affecting you? No he won't. He already doesn't give a shit about you as he has refused all intimacy, even cuddles, for 2 years and is messaging other women online and possibly physically cheating too. He doesn't find you attractive anymore and he doesn't love you either.

Get your ducks in a row and leave, even if it takes a few months. This relationship is dead in the water and has been for a long time. Best to move on before it drains even more life out of you.

Sourdillpicklesandmore · 17/11/2025 16:16

80s · 17/11/2025 16:10

There are some issues with trying to get him to realise or acknowledge that his actions hurt you.
One issue is that he's presumably intelligent enough to work out what might hurt you, and he's chosen to act that way anyway. Another issue is that you're seeking comfort, understanding, relief from your hurt - but you're seeking it at the source of your pain.
It's hard to get out of that mindset of being a team, sharing thoughts, talking through things as a couple. But maybe you can find support elsewhere instead?

Untangling the mess can feel impossible. You don't have to sort it all out at once, Baby steps are fine.
Are you sure your family abroad can't stay somewhere else, or even cancel? They will understand if you mention relationship trouble. I went through one Christmas with an almost exh, and it was pretty grim.

This is a great post^^

The first three paras should be pinned at the top of all impending break-up threads on the relationship board!

Thundertoast · 17/11/2025 16:57

Wait, why are you broke if you moved into his house? Is he making you pay half of everything in a house he owns??

user836367392 · 17/11/2025 17:02

I'll give you the words @PeeledOranges

Fuck off you cheating bastard

I wouldn't want to be intimate with him after finding this out

ginasevern · 17/11/2025 17:05

You're not being stupid OP. I felt the same when my DH betrayed me and likewise there had been no intimacy for years. I wanted him to acknowledge how much he had hurt me, but at the same time I knew the relationship was terminal. You just feel that your supposed "life partner" and best friend should at the very least profusely apologise for hurting you so deeply. But, like other posters have said, it is absolutely futile. You are going to leave him anyway and if by some miracle he did acknowledge your hurt, do you honestly think he would mean it? Besides, you surely don't want sex with him after this, do you?

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