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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

276 replies

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:49

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

OP posts:
Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 29/12/2025 01:01

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s unfair on you and the kids to be deceived like you have been.

Silence is so powerful. As soon as you argue with him it will deflect from his behaviour and onto you. I’d make him feel utterly ashamed. I would leave quietly with dignity and don’t let him know a thing. He’s taking you for a fool but he doesn't deserve your breath and definitely not an argument. Horrible bastard.

This will pass and you will be stronger than ever. You’ve been through so much losing your first partner. You can do this.

Let him question where you are and what has changed with you. He’ll probably think you’re having an affair.

Take care. You’ll be ok. New year, new start.xx

ktopfwcv · 29/12/2025 01:03

SoftBalletShoes · 28/12/2025 22:12

You can't just throw someone out of their primary residence with five minutes' notice (unless they're a threat to you). I see this misconception all the time on here. It's ILLEGAL. If you have a live-in partner who's not on the tenancy or the mortgage, you have to give reasonable written notice and you can't use force. Reasonable notice is usually a month.

Of course, if you own the property together, are on the lease together, and/or married then it's even more difficult. But even in informal relationships, if the home is someone's primary residence, you cannot simply kick them out instantly. If someone tries, you call the police and they let the kicking party know that they are unable to do that.

Edited
Show quote history

According to which law?

ktopfwcv · 29/12/2025 01:04

Steeleydan · 28/12/2025 22:34

Can you go to a women's refuge they take kids too xx

Show quote history

Go to a refuge for women who are in abusive relationships because OP can't afford to rent somewhere? No.

ktopfwcv · 29/12/2025 01:09

Lotsnlotsoflove · 28/12/2025 23:10

Yes I agree you need to leave asap and present as homeless to be rehoused. The council will do all they can to fob you off on private accommodation but you just have to say ‘no. I have a right to be rehoused and cannot afford private accommodation.’

Rubbish

ThisAutumnTown · 29/12/2025 01:12

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. He is an absolute cunt and I hope karma ruins him!!
Some men turn nasty when confronted so can you ask a friend to be on standby in case he turns on you? Maybe say if they haven’t heard from you in an hour after confronting him, they could come over to check on you?

Ariela · 29/12/2025 01:29

I'd not say anything, but get everything sorted to move as soon as you find a suitable place. In the meantime, there is a thread somewhere (someone will help find it I am sure), where the OP saved up by getting cash back from the joint account, buying new sheets, towels etc at the supermarket also from the joint account and stashing them away in a small storage unit, so when she DID move out by clearing out when he was at work or away with the OW I can't recall which, she had everything

WallaceinAnderland · 29/12/2025 01:45

Originally you said that you were going to wait until the end of the summer term so that you didn't disrupt your dcs education. Why can't you stick to that plan and in the meantime get all the advice that you need and start saving.

You need to know where you stand legally after you tell him, how long is reasonable for you to be allowed to continue living in his house, what benefits you might be eligible for, etc.

What's your job situation, are you working fulltime?

Jane143 · 29/12/2025 01:46

SoftBalletShoes · 28/12/2025 22:52

The drama on this thread is completely needless and really stupid. She has said nothing about being in danger; he cannot instantly throw her out; and she doesn't need to leave immediately or go to a women's refuge. Jeez! She's discovered he's cheating so the best thing to do is make her own living arrangements and then leave at a suitable time. Job done.

I agree.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 01:47

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 21:51

I realize I'm in such a vulnerable position and I was so stupid to allow this to happen.

I don't want to move the DC until the end of the school year. It will be so disruptive.

I doubt that you'll be able to act normally until end of school year. Will you be able to look him in the eye? Have sex with him? Share a bed with him? He's going to notice if you start sleeping separately and start refusing sex.

It will be far more disruptive to the kids if you let slip that you know or he guesses that you know and he throws you all out. Yes, he can throw the children out. You all have the legal status of lodgers. The council would put you in emergency accommodation, which, in the worst case, is one room for all of you with the bathroom shared with other people and no kitchen. They shouldn't put kids in such accommodation, but if they've got nothing else available then that's what you'll get.

If he throws you out, accept ANY emergency accommodation that the council offer.

I cannot emphasise that enough. If you refuse emergency accommodation once, you may be deemed "intentionally homeless" and left to fend for yourself. You having children won't alter this.

You need to search for a house or flat for you and the kids now. Don't let on to him that you know about the affair, but just house hunt.

When you find somewhere to live, never again put your children at risk of homelessness by living as lodgers with a boyfriend.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 01:52

SoftBalletShoes · 28/12/2025 22:12

You can't just throw someone out of their primary residence with five minutes' notice (unless they're a threat to you). I see this misconception all the time on here. It's ILLEGAL. If you have a live-in partner who's not on the tenancy or the mortgage, you have to give reasonable written notice and you can't use force. Reasonable notice is usually a month.

Of course, if you own the property together, are on the lease together, and/or married then it's even more difficult. But even in informal relationships, if the home is someone's primary residence, you cannot simply kick them out instantly. If someone tries, you call the police and they let the kicking party know that they are unable to do that.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah, you're talking shit.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers

"You and the landlord find it hard to live together" will 100% kick in if he realises that she knows he's cheating.

Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.
NigelForage · 29/12/2025 02:08

Why do you have to say anything to him if you're splitting up anyway?

WallaceinAnderland · 29/12/2025 02:45

Will you be able to look him in the eye? Have sex with him? Share a bed with him? He's going to notice if you start sleeping separately and start refusing sex.

They don't have sex and haven't for ages. He doesn't want to.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 02:55

WallaceinAnderland · 29/12/2025 02:45

Will you be able to look him in the eye? Have sex with him? Share a bed with him? He's going to notice if you start sleeping separately and start refusing sex.

They don't have sex and haven't for ages. He doesn't want to.

I can't see that in a post.

Lightuptheroom · 29/12/2025 03:23

What are your plans if he doesn't agree to the council mediation? Sorry but staying put in your situation isn't an option. Are the council then going to come back and claim you've made yourself intentionally homeless unless you can evidence that he's 'thrown you out'
You can't honestly think that you'll be staying in the house until the end of the school year. I had to leave my husband nearly 20 years ago with a 2 year old. You need to move now not in x months time . Otherwise, you stay exactly as you are and he continues with his affair etc

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 29/12/2025 04:53

If he’s moved on to being away over Christmas with the OW, there’s a chance he’ll end it soon anyway.

I’d be looking into alternative accommodation immediately. The idea he’s going to be happy for you to stay until the end of the school year after you confront him is for the birds, to be honest.

TicTac80 · 29/12/2025 06:35

OP, are you working and do you earn enough for renting etc? Do you drive? I wouldn't blame you for wanting to let him have it with both barrels today, but I'd want to make sure that was on the back of having enough money saved, logistics sorted and another suitable place lined up to move into quickly etc. Is there a chance of getting on council list and getting more of your ducks in row before you walk? Good luck, whatever you decide to do x

ThejoyofNC · 29/12/2025 06:58

My god there's some really false information on this thread. Please fact check any advice before taking it on board OP.

Pretending you don't know for 6 months is a terrible idea and will destroy your mental health. That is an option used by people who have absolutely no other choice, that isn't the case here.

Pipsquiggle · 29/12/2025 07:00

Sort out a plan for housing you and your DC.

You don't have to do anything today.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 29/12/2025 07:03

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:56

@HouseofDreams yes we live together in the house he owns.
No the DC are both mine and not his. My DC 's dad died some years ago.

Gosh. You are in a very vulnerable position. I don't usually advise this, but I would stay put and don't confront him until you have somewhere to move to which is closer to the children's schools

Don't have sex, though 🤢

ladydan · 29/12/2025 07:34

Send the evidence to his family, friends & colleagues, then silently leave. Take the food from the freezer, light bulbs & loo roll- cos why not?
text the person hes with, hoping shes enjoying the time with someone who has a person who believes they’re in a relationship

Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/12/2025 07:53

I would leave for the less suitable place, and then make plans from there.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 29/12/2025 08:02

Don’t do it! You’d resigned yourself to waiting on your last thread.

What you found is sickening, but he owes you time to sort yourself out. Wait it out.

You don’t have to be affectionate or pretend nothing is wrong. Just don’t tell him what’s actually wrong.

Dgll · 29/12/2025 08:08

Once you confront him he will turn nasty. How nasty, depends on what he is like. If you stay, he will see you and your children as a millstone around his neck that he resents. This will erode your confidence even more. I would get out now regardless of the practical disruptions, but if you want to stay in the house then you probably need to carry on pretending you don't know and keep playing happy families.

NigelForage · 29/12/2025 08:21

ladydan · 29/12/2025 07:34

Send the evidence to his family, friends & colleagues, then silently leave. Take the food from the freezer, light bulbs & loo roll- cos why not?
text the person hes with, hoping shes enjoying the time with someone who has a person who believes they’re in a relationship

Edited

Don't do this.
Dont do anything.

CarelessWimper · 29/12/2025 08:24

When you have kids it’s not drama you need but a proper plan. He doesn’t come across as the kind of guy who is going to let you stay in his place for long if at all, so without risking dragging your children into all sorts of dramatic scenes (he may even call the police if you refuse to leave and yes they might not do much, but do you want the children seeing that?), please find alternative living arrangements and move out and on with your lives.