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Original poster

Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

276 replies

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:49

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

OP posts:
Deata · 28/12/2025 23:03

Agree. Say nothing OP. NOTHING. Sit tight til the end of the school year. Then you can let him know how long you’ve known, if you want to. Plus, you get seven months to plot and plan, and make sure the transition is as easy as possible for you and the kids.

Not saying anything and living a lie may not be pleasant for you, but more pleasant than being in a difficult situation in Jan, with no clear plan, and perhaps more at his mercy.

Endofyear · 28/12/2025 23:05

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 20:35

We are not married and I have no say in the house.
I have somewhere to go but it's not ideal due to distance and schools/work

I spoke to the council homeless support team, they advise staying put, calling the police if there's any difficulty and contacting the council mediation who will negotiate with him to try and allow me to stay here until I can sort a home nearby.

I know it's a bit of a crappy plan but I can't just leave as much as I'd like to walk away.

This is a really crappy plan, the council just want you to stay put so they don't have to house you. It's his house and you have no right to live there, he can literally throw you and the children out on the street. You need to present to the council as homeless and they have to house you. Yes, there will be short term disruption for the children but will be better for them in the long term.

LostittoBostik · 28/12/2025 23:08

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:56

@HouseofDreams yes we live together in the house he owns.
No the DC are both mine and not his. My DC 's dad died some years ago.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this arsehole after also supporting yourself and your children through a bereavement.

Do whatever feels right to you. Don’t want to do it face to face? Tell him not to come home by text and email him your evidence and your expectations about what happens next.

want to have the conversation in person so he can’t try to weasel his way out of it. Go for it - but if you feel worried could a friend be situated somewhere nearby in case you need support (eg in a local cafe)?

Lotsnlotsoflove · 28/12/2025 23:10

Yes I agree you need to leave asap and present as homeless to be rehoused. The council will do all they can to fob you off on private accommodation but you just have to say ‘no. I have a right to be rehoused and cannot afford private accommodation.’

Ryah76 · 28/12/2025 23:14

i wouldn’t confront him either- think of the long game. Your priorities are housing for you and children, so either say nothing and use the time to sort out your housing situation or present as homeless to the housing

Livelovebehappy · 28/12/2025 23:16

The reality is that he has already pretty much checked out. Sounds like it’s been coming for a while, and the reason he hasn’t totally ended things yet is because he has some guilt about making you leave, and being homeless. Maybe. You need to get advice from CAB or housing team to find out your options. Surely they will see that both you and your DCs are in a very vulnerable situation and you need accommodation. Do you work? Can you afford private renting?

Fluffyhoglets · 28/12/2025 23:19

Lotsnlotsoflove · 28/12/2025 23:10

Yes I agree you need to leave asap and present as homeless to be rehoused. The council will do all they can to fob you off on private accommodation but you just have to say ‘no. I have a right to be rehoused and cannot afford private accommodation.’

You have to actually not be able to afford private rented accommodation for this to be a valid reason to refuse private rented accommodation. Most councils have a very long wait for social housing now so it's unrealistic that would be a quick solution right now.

DreamTheMoors · 28/12/2025 23:19

I never confronted my cheating arsehole son of bitch ex husband and that was 30+ years and $85K USD ago.
I have thought up every possible scenario of how to humiliate him - and her.
And I found out the other day he died 10 years ago and that she’s made a mess of her life since.
So I guess that’s it for me.
Still, I wish I had said something, no matter how minor or small.
I feel like it’s unfinished business, or an incomplete story.
Frustrating. The bastard.

popupandsayhi · 28/12/2025 23:20

Oh please don’t confront him alone as you never know how that sort of man will react. Get away and stay away. It isn’t easy but please make yourself and your children safe.

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/12/2025 23:22

Don't leave until you've got somewhere to go.

Laura95167 · 28/12/2025 23:24

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 20:35

We are not married and I have no say in the house.
I have somewhere to go but it's not ideal due to distance and schools/work

I spoke to the council homeless support team, they advise staying put, calling the police if there's any difficulty and contacting the council mediation who will negotiate with him to try and allow me to stay here until I can sort a home nearby.

I know it's a bit of a crappy plan but I can't just leave as much as I'd like to walk away.

Why not stay until you can secure a new place then?

Tbh i wouldnt confront him - do you really think your words will matter to him? If he cared you wouldn't have to do this.

Id act like its fine, squirrel some money, sort a place then tell him its over and youre going. He doesnt need to know you know, he doesnt deserve a discussion or an explanation. He did what he did and now its costing him.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 28/12/2025 23:29

Fluffyhoglets · 28/12/2025 23:19

You have to actually not be able to afford private rented accommodation for this to be a valid reason to refuse private rented accommodation. Most councils have a very long wait for social housing now so it's unrealistic that would be a quick solution right now.

Show quote history

I’ve just been through this with a family member fleeing domestic violence, who has special needs and no income. She has been forced into exploitative private rented accommodation as there is nothing available - but she should have been given temporary housing solution. Unfortunately rights to housing are being eroded along with all other public services. But whatever the circumstances stating put in OP’s position is not viable.

DreamTheMoors · 28/12/2025 23:29

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 21:51

I realize I'm in such a vulnerable position and I was so stupid to allow this to happen.

I don't want to move the DC until the end of the school year. It will be so disruptive.

The one thing I learned when I grew up was to take responsibility for my actions.

You have done nothing, made no mistakes, nor actions that you need to take responsibility for, @PeeledOranges

It’s a low down crying dirty shame that your partner’s actions will have such a profound impact on your children and you.

And I’m very sorry for that.

Sending love from faraway ❤️

HoppityBun · 28/12/2025 23:30

Lotsnlotsoflove · 28/12/2025 23:10

Yes I agree you need to leave asap and present as homeless to be rehoused. The council will do all they can to fob you off on private accommodation but you just have to say ‘no. I have a right to be rehoused and cannot afford private accommodation.’

I don’t think that this is correct. If you have nowhere and no means at all, you’re like to be put in bed and breakfast accommodation and you definitely do not want to go to the sort of places that these are like

researchers3 · 28/12/2025 23:31

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:56

@HouseofDreams yes we live together in the house he owns.
No the DC are both mine and not his. My DC 's dad died some years ago.

Im so sorry OP. Sounds like you've already been through so much.

Glad youve got some real life support.

No advice (although I have been there too. They are brazen as he'll aren't they.)

He is the lowest. You will be much better off without him in the long run.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/12/2025 23:32

Well it’s not your house so just close the door behind you and take your children with you. You’re not married so as breakups go it’s fairly straightforward.

I wouldn’t have a big show down. Hold your head high and just leave. When he gets in touch tell him what you know ‘I know you have been seeing Jane Smith. I know where you have been this weekend and I know that picture was from two years ago. There is no way forward from this so please take this as my resignation from our relationship as it were. Hope you’ll be very happy, all the best for 2026 you cheating cunt. (Left my keys in the drawer).

flumpsfortea · 28/12/2025 23:34

Sorry if I’ve missed this but what are your plans OP? You’ve said he owns the house so are you hoping he will do the decent thing and leave? Or are you planning on staying put whether or not he stays or goes?

I would hope that given his vile behaviour he will indeed fuck off for a while and let you get things sorted. But you can’t rely on that. And it wouldn’t be good having to live with him once he knows that you know.

If you are planning on confronting him face to face can you have someone close to you on standby, even waiting outside or something for moral support? Failing that I would be tempted to send him a message and ruin his weekend.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. What a disgusting creature he is. This time next year your life will be a million times better without him in it.

Icelolly27 · 28/12/2025 23:35

Has difficult as it will be, don't say anything!! You NEED to sort housing out first, have u got family you can stay with? I can't see him letting you stay in his house once this bomb is dropped. Get out to family now if you can or sort housing out ASAP and just go... Having been with a cheater keeping quiet was impossible for me but if you've been quiet till now please try and hold on, leaving once sorted house wise and just walking away when he's at work will be much better than confrontation he will only lie and deny anyway most men do.

Lamentingalways · 28/12/2025 23:43

OP having read your updates I don’t think you’re in a strong enough position to confront him without a plan tbh. I think you need to get things lined up 1st! What do you expect to happen? He clearly doesn’t care if he is away with another woman over Christmas! He might just ask you to leave and it’s his house. You need to think very carefully about this. I would be saving every single penny to get out of there, overtime if available, keeping the change form the shopping, selling stuff he’s bought you etc. Can you go to the council and tell them you have nowhere to go? Get some better advice before you confront him please! At this point he holds all the cards. I’m sorry he’s a wanker and I hope his nob drops off.

researchers3 · 28/12/2025 23:49

lollygirl2 · 28/12/2025 21:52

OP you don’t allow this to happen

it’s on him and him alone

Show quote history

Agree. Please don't do this to yourself op. It's not a crime to put trust in someone you love and are in a committed relationship with.

Really hope you can get sorted soon and good to know you have a back up option if need be.

TheLoneRangersHorse · 29/12/2025 00:01

Cook him a beef Wellington. 😬

sharkstale · 29/12/2025 00:11

Op, you've said you have somewhere to go, it's just inconvenient for school etc. I would leave asap and go there, and tell the council you're sofa surfing with a child, you should be made a priority.

Dweetfidilove · 29/12/2025 00:17

You're in no position for confrontation of any sort.

It appears you're in no position to rent a place, so focus on the long game; especially as the council have advised you they cannot place you just now.
Wait for the end of the school year, which is just a few months away, and hopefully by then housing will have a place for you.

You already knew he was cheating and have managed to hold on until now, so just hold firm a bit longer. And please don't put yourself and your children in such a vulnerable position again.

MamsKnit · 29/12/2025 00:29

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:56

@HouseofDreams yes we live together in the house he owns.
No the DC are both mine and not his. My DC 's dad died some years ago.

You have been through the wringer over the years but you sound quite strong and like a great mum. The Mumsnet Amazons are behind you (Mamazons?)

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 29/12/2025 00:47

If you have nowhere to go, say nothing. Just start sleeping separately. One of the most dangerous times in a woman’s life is after she’s told her partner that she’s leaving, but before she’s left. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t say anything to him until after you were gone and somewhere safe. Maybe he’s never been violent before, but you have no idea what could happen when he feels powerless or threatened. Please be careful. Do not have a big movie scene confrontation until you know you can leave the house (permanently) immediately afterwards.

Safety is more important than feeling vindicated. And trust me, you won’t really feel vindicated. You’ll still feel like shite, AND he’ll start being even more cruel and vicious as long as you’re stuck there. Taking everything out of the house while he’s at work and leaving, then blocking him on everything, is much better vindication. You share no children; you need never see or speak to him again once you leave.