Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

276 replies

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:49

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/12/2025 19:53

I think i’d message him tonight and keep it brief (so he has to stew on what you know) and tell him not to bother coming home. Unless you want to see his face when you present him with the evidence so he can’t try and lie his way out of it. Sounds like you have a lot of evidence anyway. What an arse. Sorry you’re going through this.

HouseofDreams · 28/12/2025 19:54

Are they his children? Does he live with you?

Diarygirlqueen · 28/12/2025 19:55

I remember your last thread, I hope you have new accommodation sorted. He sounds vile, you did great keeping it all in over Xmas. Good luck x

Original poster
PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:56

@HouseofDreams yes we live together in the house he owns.
No the DC are both mine and not his. My DC 's dad died some years ago.

OP posts:
Mrspatmoresapprentice · 28/12/2025 19:58

Yuck. What a rancid, lying turd.
Is it your house? Can you change the locks? If that was my DH, his shit would be on the drive in bin bags. Or more likely burning in a big pile!

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 28/12/2025 20:00

Oh Christ, it’s his house? Do you have anywhere to go? A friend, relative, hotel?
Get out, now. Some of these shitbags do not react well on discovery….

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 28/12/2025 20:02

What’s your plan re living arrangements OP?

Lennonjingles · 28/12/2025 20:06

I remember your previous post and glad you are finally able to confront him. Could you text to say, I think you know it’s time we had a chat about what’s been going on. Why should he be having fun whilst you are going through this.

FrostyFlo · 28/12/2025 20:12

I wouldn't tell him tomorrow as you need to line up somewhere to live . Assuming as you say it is his house , you have no right / legal need to remain there and he could ask you to leave at any moment .
Arrange somewhere to go , then tell him !

cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 20:13

Not his d c
Not your house
Just leave before he gets back

What does confrontation achieve? He aint gonnna change his ways and he will just gaslight you. If you do not tolerate this (and why should you) you need to just leave

Have you somewhere togo? Your own income?
Married or not?

3luckystars · 28/12/2025 20:15

At least you know. I’m sorry he has been a total scum bucket:

TwillTrousers · 28/12/2025 20:16

Have you got somewhere to go? I’d just leave to be honest.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2025 20:17

By ducks in a row do you mean you’ve had decent legal advice? I couldn’t be doing with a confrontation, it’s messy and horrible and he’s a proven liar so he’s not going to admit any of it. I can’t see you feeling better from a nasty row, especially if your children are in the house.

I’d find somewhere else to stay if you can and file for divorce. Tell him briefly in writing that you know he’s cheating and are divorcing him.

IWantToSneeze · 28/12/2025 20:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2025 20:17

By ducks in a row do you mean you’ve had decent legal advice? I couldn’t be doing with a confrontation, it’s messy and horrible and he’s a proven liar so he’s not going to admit any of it. I can’t see you feeling better from a nasty row, especially if your children are in the house.

I’d find somewhere else to stay if you can and file for divorce. Tell him briefly in writing that you know he’s cheating and are divorcing him.

Have you actually read the OP's posts?

TheMorgenmuffel · 28/12/2025 20:19

Is it safe to do so?
How do you think he will react? Is there anyone who can be with you?
What if he wants you to leave at once? Are you all packed up?

Soonenough · 28/12/2025 20:19

I think you need somewhere else to go first . Have your new necessary stuff packed. Ask your friend to look after your kids . Confront him with evidence and leave. Arrange someone to help you get the rest of your stuff.

IWantToSneeze · 28/12/2025 20:19

OP, do you have somewhere to go? I'm not sure what other ducks you could get a row.

Sending hugs.

PaperMachePanda · 28/12/2025 20:20

PeeledOranges · 28/12/2025 19:56

@HouseofDreams yes we live together in the house he owns.
No the DC are both mine and not his. My DC 's dad died some years ago.

So not your house, the kids aren't his and I take it you have no financial ties?

Just leave.

FateAmenableToChange · 28/12/2025 20:22

I’d just leave as soon as I were able. Say nothing, no confrontation, just disappear. What’s to be gained otherwise except stress.

Icanflyhigh · 28/12/2025 20:23

Not a fan of confrontation, if you and DC have somewhere to go get packed up and leave before he returns. Leave him wondering.....

Growlybear83 · 28/12/2025 20:24

I would be inclined to message him on the pretext of checking what time he expects to be home, and end your message with ‘Give regards to [floozie’s name] and tell her I’m thinking of her’.

OkWinifred · 28/12/2025 20:26

There are no words that will make this situation any better. If anything it’s just prolonging the agony.

Can you pack up and leave before he gets back?

As horrific as this is for you, it will be okay given time 💐

NotrialNodeal · 28/12/2025 20:26

Just leave. Have everything gone by the time he gets back and block him. I wouldn't give him any more than that. I'm sorry this has happened but glad you realise you shouldn't be putting up with it.

SlayBelle · 28/12/2025 20:28

What are you hoping to achieve with a confrontation? Sounds like you could just be handing him an opportunity to double down and kick you and your DCs out. Which would be even worse pain and humiliation for you.

If you can, why not leave while he’s not there? Just send him a short factual message saying that you know he’s having an affair and he’s with her now and you won’t be there when he gets back.

That’s assuming you have somewhere to go. If you don’t, it may be more sensible to keep your powder dry until you know you have a safe landing to
jump to.

SayingThisWithLove · 28/12/2025 20:29

Growlybear83 · 28/12/2025 20:24

I would be inclined to message him on the pretext of checking what time he expects to be home, and end your message with ‘Give regards to [floozie’s name] and tell her I’m thinking of her’.

This.

Why should he be enjoying himself thinking he has got away with it! That will put a dampener on their fun.

Swipe left for the next trending thread