DH ruined weekend with his drug binge

[Toothy3]

DH never goes out drinking or taking drugs anymore , he left that all behind in his 20’s before I met him but recently joined a new firm and they arranged a work do at a pub. We had a big family event the next day, we paid hundreds for it with our two little ones and he promised he would just have a couple beers to show his face. Where he never really goes out and he’s older now, I believed him. I woke up and found him in the garden at 5am, drinking a can of cider and remnants of cocaine on him. He admitted he had been doing cocaine most of night and took some home. I told him to fix up as we had the day to do and he was absolutely foul all day. I even saw a number appear on his phone which he quickly hid, so now I’m even concerned he’s cheated. He has a history of texting another woman years ago when we went through a rough patch but never actually doing anything. This all ruined the weekend and he’s still recovering today. He’s said sorry half heartedly but is acting blasé about it all. The fact he’s acting so chill about it it all is just making me angry and upset. Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this?

All the LTB advice here is wild - seriously, wtf for one crazy night? That's a whole life she's throwing away and all the difficulties that come with being single parents.

Coke is famously more-ish and he wad mega pissed. The number would niggle so get to the bottom of that but it probably was a dealer calling back.

Terrible judgment and timing but this is not worth breaking up a marriage over.

I would be livid with him about this, but please work through it for all your sakes, you, him and the children. Get him to delete the phone number, look for a new job where the out of work hours don't involve a culture of getting drunk and taking drugs, and do more activities as a couple and as a family. I'm sure he regrets what he did, give him an ultimatum and I really hope it works out for you

Do you know what growing up with parents with substance abuse problems and addiction does to the kids? Do you know what happens to little kids who get into their parent's drug stash?

It sure ain't pretty.

And it is worth leaving a marriage over. Drugs in the home is a form of child endangerment. The children can be removed.

This isn't one wild night. He has multiple substance abuse problems and he relapsed. He doesn't need to be coddled and enabled, he needs to see he's got a problem and OP needs to set some really strong boundaries here to keep her children safe from a dude who brought coke into the home and was trying to get a dealer to bring more by.

He brought multiple forms of very serious trouble into their home. Yes, that is worth leaving a marriage.

When i read widespread and mundane my first thought was not in my circle. He is not worthy of you and your children.😭

We had our chat and he admitted that when he drinks to excess, it triggers the desire to take coke. Has been that way since his 20’s. So that’s why in our marriage he’s very rarely drank to excess. He stays away from drinking, isn’t interested usually but he had to show his face at the work so and it was a free bar. He said he regrets it and has been grovelling all over Christmas. Hasn’t gone near any drink over Christmas either. I gave him a hard ultimatum that he needs to leave this new job, due to coke culture, the director thinks it’s OK to do coke like that and it’s just a recipe for disaster. I’m still undecided if I’m leaving or not, financially I’d be OK , kids are still pre school at the minute. I really am undecided

Drugs is a none negotiable for me - there would be no second chance.

Cocaine is a Class A drug for a reason - it wrecks the lives of everyone in the disgusting production chain.

Anyone who takes it needs to think much harder about the damage they are causing to many others, and then to themselves and their families.

Some of the blasé responses on this thread revolt me.

@GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor
And me too, people are treating it like it's nothing!
There would be no second chances with me. Our friends went vlc with their son because of his coke taking. I had no idea he did coke until he turned up at our house at 2am, for a coffee and a chat, after a night out. He was an absolute mess. He's still a complete mess. Can't hold a job down for long, can't hold a relationship down, has a couple of children dotted about (which he does actually see and support, surprisingly!)
He's 45 now and he's totally screwed his life up. He had a promising career when he left school, earning decent money, then bang, started on coke on nights out, hit the slippery slope and gradually lost everything.
It seems with coke that once you've tried it, you're constantly wanting that buzz, which shows that anyone who takes it is weak and will give in at any opportunity. I wouldn't want that in my house and especially not with kids around.

Although I’m not an advocate for separating on a whim, decades married myself so know it’s not always easy, but it would be the end for me. It’s not the actual getting drunk or taking drugs, although that’s bad enough, it’s the total disregards for you and your children.
He knew that drinking would result in an evening of drug taking from past experiences. You will always be wondering when the next time will be and when the children will become aware of his behaviour and example to them. He’s broken your trust, it’s a foundation of any relationship.

I know someone who was a big drug user for a few years. He met his now wife during that time. Went on a binge like the one your DH has just had, early in their relationship - he showed up at her flat mid morning still off his head, and inflicted the grim comedown on her when they were supposed to be going out for lunch and Christmas shopping. She told him if he ever took any drugs again, it would be the end of the relationship. Because he loves her and respects her and she puts up with zero shit from him or anyone else, he never has. They're together about 10 years now, two kids, and he hasn't touched anything since that day. And she 100% would leave him if he did.

I'd say you should give him the same ultimatum, but since he behaved like this as a father, and also he might have cheated on you, I'd probably be done with him after this. Drug users tend to be wankers anyway, but parents who use coke around their kids are really the worst.

@outerspacepotato I agree with every word of this.

I also used to have that problem in my 20s, but once I got over the addiction, I was able to drink without needing coke! The fact that he still apparently can't drink without needing it would be a huge concern for me, and, honestly, I'm not sure if I'd trust her was telling the truth.

The trust is gone. Every time he goes on a night out now youll be on edge. Drugs is a non negotiable to me let alone as a grown adult with responsibilities and children. Sorry bye bye 👋