DH ruined weekend with his drug binge

[Toothy3]

DH never goes out drinking or taking drugs anymore , he left that all behind in his 20’s before I met him but recently joined a new firm and they arranged a work do at a pub. We had a big family event the next day, we paid hundreds for it with our two little ones and he promised he would just have a couple beers to show his face. Where he never really goes out and he’s older now, I believed him. I woke up and found him in the garden at 5am, drinking a can of cider and remnants of cocaine on him. He admitted he had been doing cocaine most of night and took some home. I told him to fix up as we had the day to do and he was absolutely foul all day. I even saw a number appear on his phone which he quickly hid, so now I’m even concerned he’s cheated. He has a history of texting another woman years ago when we went through a rough patch but never actually doing anything. This all ruined the weekend and he’s still recovering today. He’s said sorry half heartedly but is acting blasé about it all. The fact he’s acting so chill about it it all is just making me angry and upset. Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this?

He's either very weak or rather keen if all it takes to go back to old habits is having the opportunity. These new work colleagues are going to be an ongoing problem unless he just doesn't go out with them.

Really pathetic and disrespectful behaviour. What a dickhead. Sorry OP. Sounds like you've forgiven him for previous shitty behaviour too so surely enough's enough now?

It’s more than your weekend that’s ruined. LTB.

Child endangerment is not a family value.

He brought coke into a home with little kids while he was high. He said he tried to get drugs delivered to the home with little kids there.

Yes, that's worth ending a marriage over. At the very least, separation until the husband who could do that gets a clue that it's unacceptable.

Yes, mostly the dippy drug users.

Luckily, there’s also advice from folk with real life experience of the fallout caused by addicts to their families.

Staying with an addict and repeatedly trying to save them ruins entire families and causes much longer term pain. Sometimes you have to save yourself instead.

Yeah, the texting but nothing ever happened was probably a lie. Something probably did happen.

He's hiding something from you now.

Sorry, but this is a shit show.

They really wouldn't,unless it was a pattern of behaviour that hadn't been rectified despite support and requirements to chance from loved ones.
Most ppl in marriages love their partner and most will try and keep the family together and work through problems and issues that arise until it becomes apparent that a partner has checked out or is incapable of unwilling to change and it's causing significant harm to family environment or finances, atmosphere ,family dynamic .
Of course from the outside he's bought drugs in to the family home ,it's shocking but op has a whole life with this man she shares children with him ,a home family holidays days out ,unless this is a pattern of behaviour most ppl would give the benefit of the doubt cos no ones perfect and ppl make mistakes .

Taking drugs isn’t just a “mistake”. It would indicate a fundamental difference in values that I could not get past.

No, I wouldn’t be ending the relationship just before Christmas. I’d save that for physical violence. But you bet I’d be quietly arranging things and seeing a solicitor in the New Year.

If it's the first time he's done this since you've been together, I'd give him one more chance. He has to recognise what he's done is unacceptable and apologise, and never do this again.

I don't think he has necessarily cheated on you - doesn't sound like he'd have been in a fit state to.

If there's a repeat, or it does come out that he is cheating, LTB. But don't dismantle your whole life on the strength of a one-off if your marriage is otherwise happy.

Your husband used to take drugs in his 20's before you met him. I rather suspect the reason he doesn't drink to excess is because it triggers the desire to take drugs. The reason he stopped taking drugs - is likely because he stopped hanging around with people who do, met/married you, had children and the opportunities to take drugs dwindled. Unfortunately, he's now working with colleagues who do take drugs, and you're going to start to wonder every time he goes out, if the same will happen again. He's now got contact details and has called a drug dealer, so he has someone who can supply him. Given his previous behaviour when younger, perhaps it's not entirely surprising that when presented with an opportunity, he's taken it. Without doubt he's broken your trust, and I don't know how or if it's possible to repair it. You definitely need a calm, honest talk with him. I think you also need to ask him about his drug taking whilst younger, I do wonder if he took drugs very regularly, possibly bordering on addiction. He needs to be absolutely honest with you, because if he isn't, you have zero hope of ever moving forward (if indeed you want too). We have a drug addict in our extended family, so I know how horrific it is. For this reason, I wouldn't personally entertain staying with someone who used drugs (no matter how infrequent they claimed it to be).

Get Christmas out of the way, then spend Jan/Feb getting your ducks in a row: finances, childcare, work - basically organise everything you’d need if you left home with the kids or asked him to leave, speak to a trusted friend or parent tell them your plans, they may be able to help.

Do you really think he hasn’t touched drugs since his 20’s?

If you don't kick him out he needs to plan and pay for a year of treats eg days out to make amends. accept nothing less as then he might not have the money to take drugs. I am afraid that would be the time I would be saying Go and do not return. Terrible behaviour.

I don't blame you.

So him taking the drugs wasn't just a momentary lapse of judgement when people he was with were giving him them, but he actually called a dealer to buy more. I think this shows you can't trust him at all now.

If it was me I would LTB as I am very anti-drugs when it comes to it being around kids. Especially a drug as harmful as cocaine both to the user and to those who are trafficked in the supply chain. It's not like some local guy growing weed in his loft is it? As someone else said people who buy cocaine are also complicit in the murder, rape, and trafficking of men, women and children in the supply chain. It is an absolutely filthy drug.

And this is a night out with his new work colleagues? Doesn't sound the best environment for him. There'll be further temptation.

I sympathise with your situation but please take care of yourself and don’t go sleeping with him immediately if you suspect any cheating. Drug dealers don’t call their clients - believe me. This is just so strange. Is there any way you can get the number? Make a note and then produce the number and ask him out of the blue to ring it. Don’t give him the chance to message whoever this is beforehand.

I could maybe forgive if there was extreme remorse. That first drink removes all sense for some of us. However, the lack of remorse once sober tells you a lot.
I let my husband down (before children) by having yet another dreadful hangover that meant I couldn't get up and do something he'd had planned and was really looking forward to. He didn't need to say anything; his disappointment and hurt was enough for me (a classic weekend binge drinker) to decide then and there that I was done, and I did stop drinking. I valued him and our relationship more than drunken nights out and my drinking buddies' approval.

Welcome to UKNA | UKNA | Narcotics Anonymous in the United Kingdom

Insane. It is not “mundane”. It is an awful, dangerous and childish thing to do. It is illegal to obtain, has a terrible production and distribution chain linked to many crimes and deaths and is not regulated in any way, unlike alcohol which - before you start - is also not mundane if it means you harm yourself or your family.

if by mundane you mean loads of people do it…yes they do.
millions of people also drive uninsured.
millions of people beat their wives.
millions of people do all sort of bad things - doesn’t mean it’s mundane or should be normalised.

And alcohol doesn’t miraculously make someone take cocaine if they don’t want to do it. And, unless he’s an alcoholic, having a beer doesn’t make him drink ten more - when he promised his wife and kids he’d go to an event the next day.

op’s problem is that she thought he’d be a different person if he grew up, stopped drinking and doing drugs, and became a family man. But the drink and drugs were symptoms of his being an arsehole - not the cause.

he’s probably also cheating/messaging/only fansing on the regular, he’s just managed to keep the mask on until this.

Does he have life insurance that would cover him if he OD d or had a heart attack? What a father …appalled

It's not a one-off. Op's DH already has a track record of poor behaviour that she has graciously overlooked. From which he has learned not to amend his ways but that his missus will put up with shit for the sake of the family.

You’re right of course. But this is Mumsnet.

OP, only you can find your next step here. The facts are that this has happened once. You need to decide if this is something you can forgive and move on from - with a specific statement of his future and if he wants to live like that.

id be checking his phone. It might be a text about his drugs and he wants to hide it but you need to be certain it’s not more.

what he’s done is not ok and doing cocaine and bringing it home are completely different things. He wasn’t thinking clearly because of the first and ended up doing the second. I’d say (and it really doesn’t matter what any of us say) if he is otherwise a reasonably faultless and loving husband and father, forgive with stern facts on what happens if it happens again but make sure he didn’t cheat - if he did, game over.

It’s rubbish. I hope he didn’t drive your kids after doing that.

It's easy to see on this thread who condones this kind of behaviour and thinks it's no big deal! (And no, I'm not single and I doubt the majority of us aren't either!) But that makes absolutely no difference to the argument. If this happened to me and I had young kids, I'd put them first, whatever the time of year, bollocks to Christmas and get the useless, coke snorting sorry excuse for a husband out of the house. This isn't a the first time he's done it and OP has excused him in the past. A one off, out of the blue, never done it before, I'd be really angry about and once I'd made his life hell and finally calmed down, I'd try and work through it. And if I couldn't, that would be it. But not in this situation, I'd kick him out, I certainly wouldn't be leaving!

*You’re going to get a lot of LTB responses from people who don’t realise just how widespread and mundane cocaine use is.
presumably he hasn’t left drugs were the kids could find them. *

I understand how common coke use is, I worked PICU and kids getting into their parents' drug stash was all too fucking common.

That's why it's child endangerment. I shouldn't have to explain that.

He had coke on him and tried to get a dealer to bring more to his home. There's access right there.

He's going to have health issues from a lot of drug use. Take out that life insurance. I saw quite a few coke users die on their 30s from heart attacks.

Now, talk about growing up in a home where alcoholism and drug use and addiction is normalized. It is a shitshow on a good day. Oh, look, dad's drunk and passed out or od'd in the back yard. Yeah, get on with that bullshit.

He brought coke home to his kids house. Then called a dealer to order more coke to come to his kids house. What a shit dad.

What are you talking about? It's everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. If you pulled your head out your arse once in a while, I can absolutely guarantee it is in your neck of the woods, substantially more than you realise. It isn't 'normalising' anything, it's living in reality, and that is the reality. Actually look around you next time you're out, you'll see. Unless you're about 300 year old that is.

It is everywhere. However it's his choice whether to go down that road. Gutted for you OP.

If it is a one off and he genuinely is sorry, understands the gravity of the situation and what it's done to you, and promises to never ever do it again, it can be forgiven. Make a hard line in the sand and guarantee him if this happens again you are gone.

Just my opinion.

Merry Xmas.