Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

Honestly, I think that intense romantic feelings can and do ebb and flow over the course of a long term relationship, and as long as the foundation is solid that's what matters.

I personally think you'd be mad to leave a solid guy to chase a fleeting feeling - the dating world is ugly and I've seen the calibre of men my pals around your age have to deal with and it's shocking.

But if you're unhappy, you're unhappy. Just consider whether if he's giving you 90% of what you need, it's worth dipping your toes into the dating world for the 10% he's not giving you. Because you might find yourself with a 10% guy really missing the 90% that a lot of men don't bother giving.

Honestly, I think you’d be a fool.

I’ve seen countless relationships crash and burn because one of the party is seeking some kind of ‘in love’ nonsense, then when that falls apart around them they realise what they had was actually a perfect kind of love. By then it’s often too late.

Love isn’t chemical highs from those initial meet-ups, love is a verb, it’s daily actions that your husband seems to give you in abundance a rare and wonderful thing.

I personally think you’d regret it as the dating scene is nasty.

But each to their own.

I really feel for your husband though he must be feeling dreadful knowing you want out. I suspect that atm he’s fighting but they’ll come a time he just gives in, I think that’ll be a shock to you.

The decision rooted in faith rather than fear is the right one.

I’m not really sure what you’re looking for? He’s your best friend, you like spending time him, he pulls his weight….what else do you think is out there? Why aren’t you having sex? Maybe if a bit more effort was put into that area of your relationship the intimacy would return. I’m not surprised your feelings have turned platonic if you’re not having sex.

Is it your choice that intimacy is non existent? Sometimes I think that in a long term relationship you have to "fake it until you make it". I'm not suggesting that you should have sex if you really don't want to, but sometimes once you're over the initial hurdle you can find that you start enjoying it more than you expected.

Honestly OP, he sounds great and I think when you have children you owe it to them to try your best to make it work. It would be different if you had just yourself to think about. Do they deserve the whole moving between houses, step parents and step siblings thing? It's rarely straightforward - just read some of the step parent threads on here!

No harshness from me. I'd try marriage counselling. It is possible to fall back in love but needs work. Loving someone is far deeper than being in love imo. I'd try to mend the parts you're not happy with. Sounds like he'd be willing to try which is half the battle.

You sound like, apart from intimacy, which is obviously important, that you have really solid relationship and I'd love to be with someone who I thought of as my best friend.

There's no guarantee that you'll find that again. Yes you might have great sex with someone new but that will dwindle or have dips. Maybe you need to try spicing it up or have date nights etc? I would say try to get the spark back. If you really can't then only you can decide.
Don't forget though once you burn that bridge then you won't necessarily be able to get back together as he may move on quickly or decide that he can't deal with further heartbreak. He probably wants to get married to secure your relationship as he feels in limbo, waiting for you to decide. Have been there and it's a difficult place to be tge receiving end of.

To meet at 16 and be where you well, you know what I'm going to say, that people change a lot over that time. Maybe you've changed and he hasn't.

I'd think very carefully before separating. Usually when people regret not separating earlier for not being in love have many other underlying issues, there's usually a reason and many don't even like their dh/partner.

However you only get one life. On the face of it, it sounds a mostly fantastic relationship but you're the one living it. Whatever you do, I wish you well.

@collectkdsasmed @YellowCherry thanks for your replies. In response to the questions surrounding sex, I just have no desire to. I don’t like saying it out loud, because I feel so so mean. I just don’t find him attractive, and the thought of being intimate makes me almost tense up.

Would you be happier alone, or with him?
There’s no guarantee that you’d find another man, and there’s no guarantee that he’d be as good on a daily basis as this one if you did.
It’s hard isn’t it? But life is short and you shouldn’t stay for the kids.
Do you think that if you got your sex life going again you’d be happy, or is it truly over?

Do you have no desire to have sex, or do you have no desire to do it with him, as there’s a difference?

@PersephoneParlormaid I’ve thought long and hard about this. Living only own, I really don’t mind the thought of. I am terrified firstly of really hurting him, and secondly feeling I’ve made a mistake when it’s too late.

I also have no intentions or want to find another man right now. I think, out of all of this, I struggle with my own guilt of seeing someone who is really deserving of an amazing woman, which I’m perhaps not. It feels like I’m being dishonest to him, which feels super unfair. 😖

Is it him pushing to get married that’s the problem? Are you wanting to marry someone you’re crazy about? I wonder if you’ld got married in that initial period of intense feelings you’ld find it easier to consider that things at the moment are in a dip and hopefully will improve. How old are your children?

Are you on any kind of contraception at the moment? I only ask as the pill is well known to quell libido.

@PersephoneParlormaid it’s difficult to answer, because I’ve only ever been with him and I’ve not been exploring what it might feel like with someone else.

I suppose, other people have briefly caught my eye in terms of attraction. But as I’ve got older, I find more things gross me out, more people gross me out. And that “ick” feeling sometimes comes up with him 😖

From a divorced single mom dont do it. He sounds like a good egg why would you give that up and inflict on your kids a “broken” (hate that term) home
could you give up seeing your kids 50% of their lives, missing bdays and Xmas, if he’s a good as you say he’ll be snapped up - could you face having a step mother on the scene? What of you never meet someone? Being a single parent is crushingly lonely

@collectkdsasmed no contraception, no other medication. But a two year old which can be a little exhausting at times, and I know general stress can throw it off!!

The fact is that we do change as we get older, and adding kids in really does mix it up. I got with DH when I was 17, and looking back I was so young, we change and grow so much in that time. Like you, I e only ever been with DH.
Ive had a very long marriage and I’d really like to separate from my DH. I wish he’d just move out without a fuss, but that’s not going to happen.
PP mentioned having sex to try and get back into it. I did that and it was awful for both of us. Yes, I understand the ick.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I wish I’d been brave and ended it years ago when I first felt like this.

@calminggreen thanks for your honest reply. The big driving factor for me, is I feel absolutely awful almost leading him on like this. He’s such a wonderful and loving person, and I suppose I feel he could do better. I’m slightly fearful if I don’t leave now, it could be another 10 years, and me aside, he could have spent those 10 years with someone who is deserving off. Does that make sense? I’m trying not to be selfish, but realise whichever decision I make will have elements of that anyway.

@PersephoneParlormaid thanks so much for your reply. It’s really good to hear from someone who has also been with their partner for so long. Could I ask, how is your relationship generally?

Awful, we only speak about necessary things and we sit in different rooms as I’m on SM and he’s watching daytime TV. We exist in a house together, that’s it. Please don’t be me.

You’re certainly in the thick of it with a 2 year old! As someone who has also been with their partner since a teenager, I would say before you throw the towel in that you (both) put some effort in finding the intimacy. If you’re parenting toddlers atm it’s very easy to lose sight of yourselves as partners and focus on the parental part of you which can stifle spark. Are you able to get away for a weekend or anything?

But I just want to say I don’t think having no sexual feelings is normal, DH and I have been together for decades now and still very much an intimate partnership as well as friends, so I’m not saying you should tolerate your relationship if it’s not giving you joy, but I would say relationships do take a bit of effort and nurturing. Sparks and passion don’t come from nowhere, the relationship needs looking after, prioritising. It would be a shame to give it up without trying first.

I stayed in a situation like this because I got pregnant (with a baby we both desperately wanted) and thought I could make it work.

In the end (four years later) he physically repulsed me and everything he did was irritating to me - and I know it was never his fault. It was my fault for staying and saying nothing. We went for marriage counselling when it was too late, when I already knew I could never feel the same about him and I was desperate to divorce.

My advice would be that if you do stay, tell him now how you feel and go for counselling together ASAP. If you decide to leave, do it on the assumption you will be permanently single, not in the hope of finding something better.

My ex-H is a great chap, and he soon got married again. He became a better parent once we split - ironically he'd been a bit of a 'Disney dad' in the marriage. His wife is a lovely woman (we quickly became good friends), and she had a son close in age to ours, so they blended well. Son once expressed sadness for children who only have one family!

I live alone, and whilst I sometimes wonder how things would have been if I'd told him how I felt much earlier, and we'd sought counselling sooner, realistically I much prefer living alone.

I'd try and fix the problems if possible but maybe wait until your youngest is older. Kids take the passion out of things but it may come back.

My parents split up when I was young and they were so focused on getting into new relationships that I felt neglected and it caused me mental health issues until my late 30s. I also did badly at school because I was so distracted with their issues which meant I didn't end up in well paid jobs.

It also caused me problems with finding a partner. I felt so neglected growing up that I chose men who neglected me. If you're going to end things with someone so wonderful then yours and your partners actions have very real consequences for your children. I'm not trying to put you off splitting up but more to think about how you'd go about it and could you trust that your partner would handle it well for the children also.

OP, I think you’re chasing rainbows. I think relationships are like shoes - a new relationship is like a new shiny Louboutin: fabulous but not always comfortable. A long term relationship is like a comfy slipper: it’s taken a while to wear it in. First of all, any man you take up with now will almost certainly have baggage - and if he doesn’t, why not? Is he still living with his mother? Second, your DC. You have a two year old - is a broken home what you want for them? I’m divorced (DV) and I can tell you that the ideal state is to find your right person, marry them and work at your marriage - and it does take work: relationships don’t just “happen” and you both have to be mindful of the other person and what they want. The only way to be intimate with your husband is to do it - I don’t mean you have to leap into bed and DTD this very evening, but love grows out of affection - the kiss, the hug, the cuddling up on the sofa. Do it to please him - clearly, you are very fond of your DP, and he sounds like a good man and a good father. The grass really isn’t always greener - my DM always used to remark that one kitchen sink was very much like another! If you leave your DH, sooner or later you will meet someone else and have all the problems of blended families, sharing out the children, and of course your DP will find someone else too, so there may well be half siblings as well as step siblings in the mix. Of course people do it, and often for very good reasons, but I’m not hearing a very good reason here, much more that you’re a little bit bored and don’t go weak at the knees over your DP any more. The baby and toddler years are hard, but no-one else will ever have the vested interest in your DC that you and their father have. Seriously, OP, look at your glass as half full rather than half empty. There are a lot of less than good men out there - do you really want to risk throwing a good one back - one with whom you have a shared past that you will never be able to recreate with someone else - just because you’re feeling slightly bored? Set up a date night: fire up the candles, make yourself feel pretty and see what happens. Your DP sounds immensely considerate: maybe think of him - and do it for him. Hang on to the fact that he’s such fun and you love him so much - and stop making excuses (“he deserves better”) - he is happy with you, and you need to make sure that you continue to make an effort for him and also for yourself.

Oh this is difficult.
There’s a strong feeling coming across in your posts that your DP deserves more than you. Why do you think this? Surely all the good qualities you write about him are true of you too? You sound quite down on yourself.
Secondly, I have two children with two separate fathers and both relationships broke down in different ways in the baby/toddler stage. It is difficult. The dynamic of your relationship changes and I also think there is general exhaustion too. Maybe you just need a break generally.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here. I also have never had a long term relationship to know what it is like after a few years. I have and do value my autonomy now, but it’s also exhausting and after I was single for twelve years, I also began to find it lonely and started dating again. Personally I think if I had a solid relationship, I would work on keeping it, but I have never had that to know one way or the other.

I think counselling is a good idea, but for you first of all, as well as couples counselling. If you separate, you want to be able to do so amicably.

“collectkdsasmed · Today 07:37
I’m not really sure what you’re looking for? He’s your best friend, you like spending time him, he pulls his weight….what else do you think is out there? Why aren’t you having sex? Maybe if a bit more effort was put into that area of your relationship the intimacy would return. I’m not surprised your feelings have turned platonic if you’re not having sex.”

This. Based on your description, he sounds fabulous. I’m wondering what being “in love” means to you but assuming it means feeling romantic and excited about him - well, being in the trenches of early parenthood for many of us meant that we didn’t feel particularly romantic or excited about our partners. So much of your time and energy is absorbed in parenthood. But you get through that and all being well you can rediscover your couple relationship. It may require some work but it’s doable. Also, the deep love that comes with a successful shared life is worth much more than moonlight and roses. Look for the romance in the mundane: the fact that you’re both in the trenches of early parenthood but you still find time to enjoy each other’s company and have a laugh - to me, that is true romance.

It does sound like the real problem is that you got together with your partner so young and you have never known life as a single, foot-loose and fancy-free adult. I can understand why you might hanker after that. But there are many people (i was one for more or less my entire 20s) who would love to find a strong relationship with a good person and have a family. You have made a series of choices because they felt like the right choices to make and brought their own joy and beauty. Your partner sounds like a keeper - you’ve just lost yourself a bit in life which is easily done at this stage of parenthood.

If you’re not interested in other men, do you think you may just benefit from carving out some proper alone time: maybe a weekend or a week away, visiting a place or doing an activity that’s always interested you?