Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

I don’t agree with the posters telling you to hang on because he’s a good egg. The total lack of sexual attraction you describe suggests this may not be salvageable (not saying you shouldn’t try). I left a good man. I went from sexual indifference to revulsion and there was no coming back. He is a handsome chap but lacked some qualities I now know I need in a partner. I have no regrets in having left. He was set free to find love (which he did, although he has just ended a relationship). The kids have adjusted well. Their dad and I co-parent effectively and are friends. I’ve spent lots of time single and had some good and bad online dating experiences. I’ve had some wonderful sexual exploration too. I’ve been seeing someone for 6 weeks so v early days but he seems really lovely. Even if that doesn’t work out, I’m so much happier out of the relationship. I’m late 40s btw and left Ex H in my early 40s. Good luck OP.

I can see where you are coming from, and my sister would be very similar to you, but I don’t agree. Just being in the house and promising to never leave, is not enough. Not for me. I would like love and affection and I would like my children to see that this is possible. I believe it is possible.

I'd rather my children had one stable home and two full time parents and no step parents and no half siblings. Having experienced all those things, I'd say that chancing them all for the no means guaranteed experience of witnessing my parent enjoying their romance (50% of the time) is not worth it for the kids.

The other thing to add - if you “stay for the children” - because you had your dcs young, you will only be 45 when your youngest is 18. That actually not too old to start again for either of you if once that drive to keep you together has gone.

Many a friend had their parents split up while I was at university- and they were always the youngest child. Became quite clear a lot of parents made the decision to stay together for the children then end the marriage/relationship once children have grown, because love hasn’t rekindled but they didn’t want to disrupt their children’s home life without a “reason”.

Essentially, you don’t have to lock in until the care home/death stage, you can decide to stay until you are no longer actively parenting children. Just don’t get married or make any financial decisions that would make it harder for you/him to start again. (Ie don’t have either of you become a SAHP and don’t skimp on one persons pension because the other has a good deal, don’t over stretch for the big house, meaning neither of you can save.)

@Username1233 it's interesting how positively you speak of him so I wanted to tell you a story of a man i know. His wife had the same attitude as you, and had an affair. The husband was devastated but accepted she wanted out despite how great he thought things were, she just saw him as nice. This went on for a year. Long story short, her affair partner decided not to leave his wife, so she was left up the creek with no husband or partner plus 3 kids who resented her. After much begging, she got her husband back and by all accounts, they are happy. Lots of mutual friends think hes a bit of a mug but I think she just realised that she was never going to get better than a kind man who also had the finances so their life is great/easy.

Sounds like you’re in a rut. Shake things up a little. Do some different things together, forget about sex for now, just reconnect. Do something fun, energising and you will feel the spark again, if you’re enjoying time together. Give it a solid 18 months, nothing changes in less than a year. Also agree this with him, otherwise he might think you are a little crazy.

Basically this is it. You needed to experience more with relationships. You were only 16. That is so young. For some people they find the right person early but this is the issue with that.
I do not judge about the lack of sex. I have never been able to feel desire for someone for very long. Once that is gone is gone. However, most couples end up being like friends in the long run. Passion goes and is replaced with a solid bond. It gets worse the older you are as sex become very irrelevant for women.

Our situations sound similar.

We've been together for 16 years on 7th January and have 2 children.

I've been emotionally checked out for a while now.
We were intimate a couple of weeks ago, partly a pity fuck on my part.

He's a good guy but we're totally on different planes now even though we have always been chalk & cheese.

Unfortunately he has treated me a bit shitty, nothing big but the little things add up and we run on a cycle of me saying that I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, him saying he'll do better and eventually we are back at the start; disrespect, thoughtlessness, acts like a dick to one of our 2 DC.
We're ND and he doesn't really want to learn anything about that.

He's got his own issues which he doesn't want to get help for.

The kids are hard work plus trauma of sexual exploitation on top of that.
My son is having major issues in his mainstream school and is violent when he's there this getting suspended and detentions for other not ok behaviour so I'm trying to get him to where he needs to be.

Then I need to make sure that I'm ok because I have to be ok for my mum because I take care of her.

I don't have any energy left for him.
He wants to be intimate and I'm like, god no!

It's going to happen next year for sure.

Don't feel guilty for the kids sake.
You need to do whatever is right for you.
Your happiness matters.

Good luck x

The grass isnt greener. All relationships have the shine taken off them sooner or later. If you meet someone else, you'll just end.up exactly as you are now. Maybe the question is do you want to be in a relationship at all or would you be happier alone. Or maybe you're just someone with some kind of existential angst who will never be truly satisfied by anything.

I've been married over 30 years to my DH. We were crazily in love but 3 small children, tight finances and both of us working full time, dampened the "in love" feeling very quickly.

My DH is my best friend and the person I trust most in my life. But we went through difficult times with intimacy, with both of us wondering if it would be better to separate when we couldn't connect as partners. One thing we were fortunate was to be able to communicate, and have a close friend who acted like a therapist, and forced us to open up to each other.

Leaving a good partner and father is something you seriously have to ask yourself if you want to do it, and why. Intimacy issues are normal when you are ragged working full time with a 2 y.o.but sounds like your partner is not pressuring you sexually. You are seeking "something else" you don't have right now.

Leaving will also create new environments for your children if you and your partner marry and blend families. Blending families come with huge problems attached even if you are in love to begin with.

There is no shame in getting professionals like psychosexual therapists who focus on the intimate health of your relationship or individual counselling to navigate what you want, and act on it without guilt.

Right now you are in a wishy washy state, and need clarity what to do - none of us can do it for you.

I forgot to say something. No, I never regretted staying when the going got tough. He's my solid friend and partner in life ....even if I still want to kill him sometimes 😁

I am sure I will live to regret staying...

This is so well put - an excellent point we all need to acknowledge when feelings of dissatisfaction creep in. Lust is fleeting, and so many ppl waste their lives seeking it or feeling sad it’s no longer part of their lives, when most ppl would kill for what they have.

How so? You said "he was very selfish and this idea that he was a wonderful involved dad and great at helping around the house was just something I tried hard to believe" whereas the OP says "He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities". You're describing completely different situations.

I'm just catching up with this thread after my post and am hoping the OP replying
" Holy Moly you have hit the nail on the head"
implies she's okay and is reading around the minefield that is reactive desire and realising we all go through it at some point in relationships, especially long ones, it's just its not talked about much,especially on here, it's either;
LTB he's obviously to blame you will be fine 🙄 or stick it out until the kids are at uni and chap on🙄

There IS absolutely quite another few ways, that don't involve making major decisions when it's so obvious they are at the stage we all have been through in a long relationship.

It's called boredom, with yourself as well as your parrner
It's called growing, maturing looking at yourself as well as the perceived flaws in your partner.

OPs post resonated so much with me because I was her partner albeit female.
I got together with the love of my life at 20, had the two children and was settled into family life, I thought we were happy.
He said word for word what OP wrote, I love you I just don't fancy you, you are perfect I just can't feel sexual towards you now you are not the exciting girlfriend and you are the safe predictable Mum figure in our lives.
It took two years of seperation for him to realise I was actually always that exciting girlfriend, I just had other things that mattered as well, two children.
But crucially in that two years I read lots, I invested in myself, I grew, I realised mating in captivity is fundamentally flawed, we are not designed for it.
But I wanted the family and he wanted the exciting sex so I wished him well in going finding it.
He obviously did, lots of shirt term relationships and a marriage and two more children later he's back at square one...asking me why his "true loves" never work longterm.
I just let him ramble and realise I was the one who had the lucky escape all those years ago.
He is 55 now and still thinks he will find some girl who will complete him when he should have learned the hard lesson years ago... We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy, lust, love, limerance, like, dependence... whatever you call a relationship with another human being its ourselves we have to be happy with first before you truly can live and know you are happy.

I stayed and regret it.

I haven't had sex for twelve years.
The 'relationship' muddled along because the kids were young and we were busy and caught up with them. The kids are teens now and I honestly can't bear to be in the same room as him. We can't have a conversation without me walkng off feeling stressed.

For me, I think the relationship broke down because we wanted different things I kept hoping we'd relocate and slowly came to the realisation that he didn't want this. He doesn't have the drive to do anything that takes a bit of effort and that applies to everything from changing jobs to doing DIY. I push for everything and its exhausting.

At one point, I'd have described him as a great father. He was a great father to younger kids. Not so much to teens.

I stay for the kids, one of the kids has health issues. I have no inclination to meet anyone else. I'd love to live peacefully on my own. I have spent quite a lot on the house so my kids are more comfortable but of course that meant using my savings. I wouldn't be able to take the kids with me and this is their home.

I hate that the kids are growing up thinking this is what a normal relationship looks like.

If you have the 'ick', that is here to stay.

So you had automony, you had choices. Your choice was to stay in a relationship that didn't fulfill anything for you but crucially YOU chose to stay.
Yet you then go on to say you had the " ick" but still CHOSE to stay.. I have no idea why people do this..well yes I do actually.
It's fear.
Fear, once you have left him/her you will have to start looking to yourself, what do you want, what makes you happy, what if?
What if I'm on my own again it just might be actually me?
It's safer to stay and blame a partner for your unhappiness than actually look at yourself.
I'm absolutely not being snarky, these are the questions I had ( or didn't have to, it was my choice)
when I split with my children's Dad, we only have our own lives, he absolutely could not give me the " ick" or whatever else unless I went along with it.
My kids Dad probably would have said I gave him the ick in that he wanted something else, he just couldn't be brave or honest enough to do that.
What I'm trying to say is putting the blame for your unhappiness on someone else then EXPECTING them to change because you don't like your life anymore is ridiculous.
YOU are Your Life!!!
YOU change it, don't expect someone else to do it for you.
If you have ", the ick" leave and go and find a life without the ick, it's possible.

LifeSurvior
It has more to do with finances and the kids. I’d LOVE to live on my own. When people become parents, it’s no longer ‘your’ one life. It’s their lives. They come first.

There’s no point getting a sex therapist as the fact is that OP doesn’t fancy her partner. A friend of mine went to see a sex therapist as she really wanted things to work out with father of her DC. She even married him, then left 6wks later for a guy she met at work. She had no sex problems with new guy. Obviously very shitty behaviour, and she looked totally miserable at her wedding as she knew deep down that she didn’t find him attractive anymore. OP I personally think you should let him go and find someone who does fancy him and have a regular relationship. Yours is more a friendship.

I Love my husband, he is my best friend, he is my person, I love spending time with him. We met later in life but when you are younger day to day life and birthing and looking after children and lack of sleep tests most relationships are like trekking up Everest and down without equipment.
It our lives together despite being older we have had to work on ED (meds he took did this), menopause, UTIs (repeated 6 courses of antibiotics), major surgery (me). Intimacy defined by sex is not daily and sometimes we have gone without for weeks or months due to say back to back UTI. We hope to have sex for a long time. If he suddenly stopped wanted sex or couldn’t (like when he had issues with some meds causing ED) I would have made the decision the intimacy defined by happiness and laughter and curling up next to him and holding his hand was worth it.

He is my best friend and I love spending time with him. Without sex we wouldn’t be as close but I wouldn’t leave the relationships or him.

also you can get intimacy back in a sexual way it is true the more you have it the more you want it and the less you have it the less you want it. You can make a choice here.

Some of what you have written here resonates with me. But I still can’t answer the question within my self, to stay or go, and I’m never happy.
Yes to fear. Fear of not being able to financially maintain myself and my home. Fear of being alone. Fear of only seeing my adult kids for 50% of the time that we see them now. Fear of him remarrying and so my kids have a step mum, when my own step mum was the cause of so much misery in my life.
Yes, I think I blame him for my unhappiness ( but to be fair he does cause a lot of it. Daily drinking. Not doing much around the house. Having to clean up after him)
I do have the ick, and have had it for a while. I’ve no desire to kiss him or hold his hand, but I think that stems from the resentment of him doing nothing about his ED. We’re in separate rooms due to his snoring that he wouldn’t do anything about either.
I sit here this morning with no financial worries, he’d look after me if I was ill, and I think that I’ve got it so much better than some. If I was living alone I’d worry about ringing in sick due to money, I’d still have all the house to clean and lawns to mow.
Maybe content is enough at my age.

I didn’t leave mine till my kids were grown because I really didn’t want them to have a step mother.

Just to buck the trend a little here- everyone is saying how you should be happy and stay with him because he is a good man and the grass isn’t greener. Well in a way I disagree- for him it could be. He could be with someone who fancies the pants of him and shows him how much she cares. You are depriving him of the chance of a fulfilling love/sexlife
ive been on the other side of this and its soul destroying

I came to say this ☝🏽 In fact I could've written this, only difference is I am now married to an amazing man who i now realise is far more suited to me at my current time of life (one example: I longer want to go out partying, I'm happier cold dipping, or hiking, whereas my ex husband is still very much a party animal); I only realised this in hindsight.

In summary, I left a good man and I don't regret it. I spent a long time worried that I'd one day regret it because it didn't seem to make sense to the outside world. But I haven't regretted it once. I was in a 'not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave' situation. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong but I knew I wasn't happy.

I remember saying to a therapist 'i don't know why I want to leave, he's kind, good with the kids, got a good job, does his share at home, looks after me etc'. Her reply... 'its not a job interview, you shouldn't be just ticking boxes'

It's a huge decision to leave though, don't underestimate it. Good luck x

This too. 100%. My ex husband deserved someone who was giving him everything and I no longer was. I left because I knew I couldn't give that to him any more and he deserved better. FWIW he now realises this.