Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

I'm sorry @Haemagoblin , that sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and you sound deeply disappointed and unhappy. You deserve more 💐

They divorced when I was a teenager. I don't need to be a therapist so contribute to this thread. I have life experiences too and they don't look like yours. I also divorced when my kids were teens and they were both very supportive of the divorce because they could see that the love was long gone. I have friends who grew up with divorced parents and my kids have many friends whose parents are divorced and it's all very normal and peaceful. It's doesn't have to be dysfunctional and traumatic. They don't have to introduce a string of step parents and step siblings. Both OP and her H sound like very reasonable and mature people, there is nothing there that suggests that divorcing would be a shit show.

Thank you. I'm actually very lucky, because he IS a good father. If he was a crap one I'd have a really difficult choice to make - what is worse, living in one home with a bad dad or splitting your time between two homes so 50% good parenting and 50% bad? That would be a real Sodom and Gomorrah, so I thank God every day that I can rest in the knowledge that they are better off with him in their life than without. I made a bad choice for me, but at least it didn't turn out to be a bad one for them, and without him they wouldn't exist so I try to count blessings. The difficult thing is letting go of the hope that one day our relationship might deepen and become nourishing to me when it just isn't. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. But I would feel a damn sight lonelier if I didn't have my babies with me every day.

I'm not sure I am making the best decision, but with everything I have experienced myself in life it seems like the best of a bad bunch. Others may find differently. I guess what I kick against is over-simplification in these situations - "follow your heart", "happy mum happy kids", if all your boxes aren't ticked then chuck it in. Having experienced it from the kid end I find that reasoning really callous and self-exculpating. It should be a difficult choice because it is hugely important for the kids involved.

Sorry but divorcing when the kids are teenagers is an entirely different ballgame than when they are tiny (although not still without huge practical challenges for the teens). When you are a small child your sense of self is still very nebulous and contingent on how you are treated by your parents. Your attachment style is still being formed. These things have lifelong implications.

You got to grow up in one home with two parents who loved and prioritised you. You don't know what it's like not to have that as a little kid.

@ThePerfectWeekend thanks for that insight. We’re both fairly lucky in the respect that we own a home which has a large amount of equity in. We would both be able to buy and afford somewhere big enough for us each and the kids. Finances are thankfully not an issue, we’re not well off, but we’re comfortable.

But this is about the unique situation OP is in. I understand that your situation was different and that your parents didn't do a good job of it. There is nothing that OP has said that suggests that her and her H wouldn't love and prioritise their children in all of this. They both sound like loving parents who wants the best for everyone.

Not every child with divorced parents have the same experience and she is not taking this lightly and she isn't being callous or cruel to anyone.

I don't think this is a good enough reason to break up your family. He sounds a better partner than 90% of men. It's unlikely you will find a better long term partner and your children will suffer as a result. You should work on rekindling the romance rather than giving up.

And for the comments which are saying to stay together for the kids, and im justifying reasons to make myself feel better. Thats all well and good, but should I do that, how on earth do I navigate the marriage situation? He desperately wants to get married, leap in that commitment. Do I just spend the rest of my life, repeating that I do not want that with him? It seems so mean! Selfishly to, I’ve seen on here how much the cost and stress of divorce can be, and that’s not something I want to experience when I’m already unsure.

@Username1233 no, you definitely cannot marry him when you feel this way. That would be wrong for all sorts of reasons. He might want marriage now because he can tell you are pulling away and he might be panicking a bit, but you have been together 13 years already and your relationship is at its rockiest time so far, it would be madness to marry now.

If that's your truth then yes, you tell him you don't want to get married. That is fine. He can then choose how he feels about that and how he responds. It's not for you to decide what he wants for him!

Likewise you don't have to pretend to want sex with him or even that you feel romantically about him. If you really feel you can't live with, in your mind, decieving him, then talk to him about this stuff. Give him a chance to work through it with you - he sounds like the kind of guy who would. Don't take away his agency by acting because of what you assume to be his best interest. You can do that for a child but he is an adult and can decide for himself what he wants if you give him the facts!

@Username1233 - i asked this before but can’t see your answer: what is your age difference? I’m wondering whether it is negligible or whether he is somewhat older and rushed you into settling down because it suited his timeline? Depending on your answer, i can see that having a bearing on how you now feel also.

I feel like I should also add, I come from a “broken family”. My parents divorced 4 months after I arrived, my mum then divorced my step dad when I was 12, and my next step dad just recently. I’m not a stranger to the feelings of how much this hurts from a child’s perspective. I’m not being rash with my thoughts, this has been something which I have thought about for a very long time. I suppose ive only felt more motivated to do something now because it’s effecting my partner. He feels my rejection in his advances, and my hesitation of future plans. And this makes me feel awful. But likewise, lying through it feels so unfair, and like I’m showing him that miraculously, it’s all ok again.

Please try to work on your relationship first. He’s a nice person who you get along with and is a good parent. Relationships take work and after two people in my real like breaking up with partners for similar what I consider to be flimsy reasons I would implore you to think again. The people I know have made their lives immeasurably worse as well as those of the people around them. It’s about the package. Of course you can’t expect to feel intensely “in love” all the time - it’s just not realistic. Please don’t blow your life up for this.

@Dery sorry I must have missed your question. We are very close in age, only 3 years difference.

Yep. I stayed years longer than I should have, because i thought it was the right thing to do. I regret that all the time.
I thought the sex thing (ie absolutely no intimacy) was me. But after I became single, and found other partners, I know it was him (or me and him together)

I completely understand how you feel. You're both still so young and we only get one life so you want to live it to the fullest.

I wonder how many relationships truly still have that full on spark. I love my husband, I find him attractive but of course the butterflies I had in the beginning have gone 7 years later.

It's a difficult one as the grass isn't always greener. You might find someone new and regret leaving your husband but you'll never know unless you try.

How does your husband feel? Do you want it to work? Would you consider couples counselling?

How much older than you is he? Could the ickiness be from him dating a 16 year old child when he was an adult?
Not sure why posters are calling him your husband, but you're the main earner and can afford to house yourself, so just the co-parenting to arrange.

I’m very sorry for your situation. He sounds a lovely guy, but if you really aren’t attracted to him any more it won’t work in the long run and getting married would be a lie. You met very young and have grown apart. I have been through very similar with an ex fiancée and never regretted it, but the stakes were much lower as no kids were involved. I think the question is how and when would work for the DC as divorce is not great for them. How old are they?

Intimacy and attraction ebbs and flows. Kindness and just basic decency is easy to underestimate but is far more valuable. It sounds like you have a certain 'template' of a man that you would be attracted to and as he has evolved out of that template you've lost your attraction to him. Whether you chose to stay or not in this relationship, you might want to ask yourself where that 'template' comes from. I was with a man that fit my ambitious, wealthy, tall dark handsome alpha male' template for a long time and he made me utterly miserable. I left and met a man who didn't fit the template at all but is kind, emotionally available, great with my kid, helpful around the house, takes the trash out without being asked kind of guy, and I am so much happier than I have ever been, and I want to jump his bones too :) It did take me a while to get my head around the shift in template, and it took some therapy and asking myself hard questions, but I'm so so glad I did it. Good luck.

He is an independent adult, he can decide by himself what's better for him - whether it is prioritising children and staying with you or leaving you and finding someone else.

@Hellohelga it’s such an awful feeling isn’t it? Admitting to someone you love and care about that you aren’t attracted to them is awful.

The children are 2 and 8. If I do this, I need it to be before my eldest starts secondary and my youngest starts primary. It’s already going to be a massive upheaval in their life, and I know there is no ideal time, but I’m trying to prevent those other life changes colliding.

@Sanasaaa there is a minimal age difference. I was 16 and he was just turning 19.

It sounds like you will co-parent really well when the dust settles.

@bigboykitty Oh we really would, I have no doubt about that. He has really taken this whole ordeal with such grace - of course it isn’t what he wants.

I haven’t voiced my doubts about my decision to him yet, as I don’t want to mess him around. I’m desperately trying to seek some clarity.

This sounds so hard for all of you.

Separation might happen, but being totally honest with yourself - is the ONLY issue that you're not attracted to him anymore? Is it him or just your libido in general?

In the first instance, before making any life changing decisions, I would:

1. see a doctor and get your hormones checked to make sure there is nothing going on

2. marriage counselling/sex therapy

I'm in a similar situation, in that I have no libido at all (premature menopause didn't help) but mine also pisses me off in various other minor ways. Despite his flaws, I desperately wish I could regain that desire for him. I feel it would fix everything and I'm annoyed at myself for not being able to do it.
It seems a downward spiral, the more I want to want him, the more I want to punch him in the face when he chews his food so loudly 😆