Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

You have to make a decision, and then make it the right one, otherwise your whole life will be one big cycle of I wonder what would have happened if...
This; a hundred times this.

I’ve been with DH since I was 15, and I do think relationships ebb and flow. You have a two year old, it’s really fucking hard when they’re that little. I don’t think you should give up now, I think you should talk about how you’re feeling and possibly get counselling. When I was about 25 I started to feel a little bit like you did, that we have only ever been with each other and perhaps he deserves better (I had a stressful family life which impacted our relationship and I was worried I was dragging him down and stopping him from meeting somebody who was ‘easier’). We got counselling and figured out the issue, and now we’re better than ever. If the counselling doesn’t work then you can consider leaving, but I think you owe it to each other and DC to give it one last go

I think you’d be mad.

It seems a lot of people are going to tell you to stick it out but im not sure

I really don't agree with the idea of decent men being 'unicorns'

I dated a lot of idiots before I met my husband - who is a good man and good partner as you describe - hands on, does his parenting, cares for the kids like I do - cooks, cleans. But I look around and see many other men who are decent dads and good partners.

I think that is not alone a reason to stay

16 is so young!! you are growing and changing and if you don't want to be with him - work out if it's what you really want but don't feel 'obliged' to stay

I'm sorry but if he is a good, kind man and a good father I would honestly fake it til you make it. As you say he is a unicorn - you may find a man you feel passion for, but is that honestly worth ripping up your children's home, when in all likelihood he will not have the good qualities of your partner and will cause you pain he never would?

As you say you are young. When your kids are grown and flown, you would still have the chance to pursue passion if it still matters to you. But right now you are a parent, you have to prioritise your children. And a home with two parents who have a loving, stable relationship is what is best for them. They don't care about your 'intimacy' or whether you are 'in love'; they care that you are there for each other and for them.

Re this, did you/are you breastfeeding? It messes with your hormone levels and can make the idea of being touched sexually utterly revolting. It can last many months after giving up bf. lack of sleep also tanks libido. It's easy to mistake this for revulsion with your partner if they're the only game in town. Speaking from experience here!

I think as well how young you were when you got together may be playing a part. Of course you will both have become completely different people since you were teens! And of course you will have a lingering wondering of what else you might have experienced.

This may not be a problem with your partner, who you don't seem to have a bad word to say about. It may be a problem with your life satisfaction, worth exploring in therapy. But seriously, at the moment it seems all you're lacking is sexual chemistry - and with two small children this is far from unusual!

This is arrogance I'm afraid. HE is the one who gets to decide what he wants, and he wants you. It's not your place to tell him he's wrong. You get to decide for you, but not for him. Don't, if you do decide to make the split, try and frame it as a charitable act towards HIM.

So if you really are thinking about him in all this - do you really think that what he wants is to only see his kids 50% of the time? If he's half the father you say he is the idea would be utterly horrifying to him.

How old are your children?
If he's as good as you describe honestly I think you'd be a fool to leave him. Just remember that "in love" feeling would most likely have faded with anyone after 2 kids and the day 2 day grid of children, running a house etc etc. Personally in your situation when he's so good with everything I would stick it out for a few years to see how it goes,

You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread but one thing you have mentioned: you say he was older than you when you got together. I’m curious about that. How much older was he? Are we talking about a relatively negligible age difference (eg you were 16 and he was 18/19) or something quite a lot bigger? I’m wondering if he rushed you into settling down because he was of an age to want to but you were still pretty young?

But she's not 'alone'. She has children. This is not a decision she is making just for her, or even for her and him; she has to make the right choice for her kids. That is what parenting is.

Oh God. Have a good think about what 'manly' men have done to women and this world and give your head a wobble 😬

I have recently for married after a long relationship ( longer than yours ) and can I say I'm madly , passionately and deliriously in love with him ? The answer is no .
But we have turned into each other . Like the same things , don't like the same things , agree on most things and I know he would do anything for me . We are two peas in a pod . Us against the world .
So that's why we got married .
Only you know if your relationship has something going for it , and if it hasn't , then maybe you are right not to marry .

You are persistently dismissing and undermining the OP's concerns in quite an obnoxious way. She's clearly already feeling torn and very guilty for even airing her feelings. Most relationships don't last forever. I think your contribution is becoming unhelpful. OP is more than capable of beating herself up with comments like the ones you're making. I guess you'd be happy for someone to stay with you out of guilt or pity, because "commitment"

Leave the kids with your parents and go on a sunny holiday just with him.
Guys like him are rare.
You won't believe us because you found your good guy very quickly and think everybody is like this and this must be so exciting to explore all of them! Well, it's not fun.

If we had kids together? Bloody right I would. Once you have children, your petty romantic concerns take second place. Losing the stability of a single home is a massive ACE which can have lifelong impacts.

My partner could fancy goats rather than me for all I care, as long as he turned up every day for our children and we didn't argue in front of them. In fact if he were to leave our family because he felt 'passion' was more important I would despise him. As parents, we are forming our children's psychology, there sense of emotional safety, their attachment style. That is our job while they are children, not 'following our hearts' (rEad loins). Our hearts should be focussed on THEM.

@Haemagoblin we have already discussed childcare arrangements, and have both agreed that 50/50 is fair. I have not assumed this is what would happen. We have had discussions about this.

Thanks for your honesty. You are also modelling to them what adults with integrity look like and what a healthy relationship looks like. Do you want them to think attraction, passion and sex are irrelevant, as I can easily see where that can go badly wrong.

The trouble is the person you are attracted to when you are 16 is not necessarily the same as when you are 26. At 16 you are barely out of childhood. I understand really. You met when you were very young and you have possibly just outgrown him. At 16 I had a lovely boyfriend but 4 years later I didn't feel the same. The rest of your life is a long time to be with somebody that you don't really love. You don't have to stay. It will be messy and maybe difficult but be brave enough to do what you really want.

What I was referring to was more that don't leave him because you think there are better men for you out there (there might be), but only leave if you'd rather be without a man than with him.

Sure, you need to take your kids feelings into consideration and make it as painfree as possible for them but you can't make all life decisions based on what they would want. It's not good for OP or her H if she has the ick and don't want to be affectionate. They will both start to feel resentment and the home environment won't be a healthy one. I don't think anyone should have to spend their lives like that just because there are two very young kids in the mix. Divorcing is not the end of the world and most kids come out of it pretty unscathed, especially young children who won't remember anything else.

Sorry if I seem harsh OP. It is personal to me as I am currently in a VERY difficult place with my partner, but we have two daughters and he is a good, present father who pulls his weight. I grew up from a broken home, with parents who prioritised themselves and their own issues and their own relationships over the children (not uncommon in the 80s and 90s where kids were expected to just get on with it), had to deal with stepparents, half siblings, moving between homes, missing my parents when I was with the other one etc. I can see what that has done to me psychologically, vs my half brother who had a stable family home.

The idea of having someone who treated me with love and kindness and ticked every box domestically and paternally, and throwing him over because he wasn't manly and didn't attract me sexually, is absolutely incomprehensible to me. Every day I wake up and face living alongside someone who gives me nothing emotionally, never mind romantically, I remind myself that it's the kids who matter here. That is how I manage my own disappointment; so I guess I find it difficult to imagine that someone could prioritise themselves in that context. Maybe it's jealousy I don't know.

So discount what I've said before, as it's obviously not coming from an objective place. Maybe go for some therapy and see where it leads you. But please remember, however much it may hurt your partner if you leave, it will hurt your children far more, and make sure that you work closely together to minimise the impact on them.

Frankly given they are both girls and most likely straight I have no concerns about putting them off relationships in general unless it hugely augments their life, and make sure they have a lot of exposure to women I know who are happily living their lives without a man in them, both with and without children. I'm afraid as I have aged I see more and more that the majority of men are not worth the trouble they give the majority of women. One of the things I dread the most is these beautiful, loving, sensitive, emotionally articulate kids starting up with the horror show that is teen boys nowadays, marinated in porn and aggrieved entitlement.

Did your parents divorce when you were small? Or are you a therapist? If not I'm afraid you quite simply do not know what you are talking about.

From friend's experiences I can tell you that unless you're fortunate the dating world for a single mum with two young DC is ugly, really nasty at times. I think you've rose-tinted glasses if you think you'll easily find your partner again but with some added idealised version of romantic love.
I'm over thirty years deep into a fairly happy marriage, even I admit I've wobbled briefly. I'd be wondering if you have a case of FOMO which has built in your mind because you really don't have anything to compare your relationship to. What you see in others isn't real because everyone puts on a show to some extent, made much worse in the perfect insta-world of today.
I think you need to picture life alone. That's the only life you can plan for. Unmarried what's your financial position? You aren't entitled to a share of things like your partner's pension. Whose name is the house in? Some cohabiting women I've known with DC are shocked to find out they are little more than lodgers, left homelesss. Even renting a new home has been a nightmare because there are so few properties now, they can't afford one in the area they want or are made to move often so their DC's stability (and schools) are threatened on an almost yearly basis. That's the very possible reality of your future unless you own.
A father and ex can become someone you don't recognise. I've seen the seemingly loveliest of men turn into monsters, having no contact with DC, doing everything to avoid any financial obligation (the CSA or whatever they're called doing nothing to help). Maybe 50/50 so no CM and losing your DC half the time seems very much the norm too.
Then there's the ones who go on to have a new relationship with someone who may hate you and cause all sorts of difficulties, but is then SM to your DC. There are so many considerations. The worst of which I think being the impact of being the older DC in several blended families, yours and your ex partner's. I have only once seen it work long-term and that was in a family the new DH adopted the DC.
No one is saying stay in a loveless relationship, but are you absolutely sure it isn't a case of the grass being greener? You're in the thick of it, around 29, two young DC with a thirteen year partnership. This, in a world where most women are only just thinking of meeting a partner. Your life will get easier and you'll have more time to retrain, gain hobbies, create a life without such a single focus soon. Think carefully, there's no going back.
Edited to add, no regrets staying. Thirty plus years, three adult DC, 1 GC and the freedom to do what I wish, but with the stability of knowing there's someone I trust to catch me. I have a life-limiting condition, which helps put life in persperctive. I wouldn't change it for the unknown.