Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

What do you think marriage is? Some sort of fairytale? It's two people building a life and family together, looking after one another and sharing experiences, ups and downs. You may not be technically married, but you are in a marriage ... which you are thinking of throwing overboard for the lamest of all reasons: 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' The worst of men say that to their wives and we ridicule them.

@noidea69 Ok 😂

@Notthehill So what do I do when my partner expresses frustration and sadness that we’re not intimate? Or we’re not planning our wedding? Do I force myself to be intimate with him? Do I lie and just pretend it’s what I want to do?

@Notthehill So what do I do when my partner expresses frustration and sadness that we’re not intimate? Or we’re not planning our wedding? Do I force myself to be intimate with him? Do I lie and just pretend it’s what I want to do?

You sound bored. But if your life is wonderful it’s hard to see how you don’t love each other. If you’re spending time together and it works well. Is it lack of attraction? I didn’t stay. I’m a people pleaser and married someone I wasn’t attracted to. I married him to please everyone else. I realised I couldn’t live my life the way I wanted, lots of rules. I guess that’s a big question can you do what you want with your life while married? Can you go for therapy to unpick how you feel. Being single hasn’t been easy but life is calmer. It can be lonely. I’m lucky and found someone I am completely attracted to and share connection with but it still isn’t perfect and I guess life never is.

I don't understand the 'do it anyway' responses. You're actually recommending having sex you don't want?

I want to want to have sex. I don't believe you can force yourself into that.
I even had a counsellor recommend doing it anyway, I can tell you that it did the opposite of helping.

@SockBanana I’m so relieved to see I’m not the only one who thinks the “do it anyway” works! Especially coming from women. I don’t want sex with him. It won’t feel nice, and will probably be quite uncomfortable, because every cell is my body is saying “I don’t want this”. I have tried, albeit a while ago, and it was a totally unenjoyable experience for the both of us.

Try dancing lessoms together
Bouldering
Snow boarding
Do dating again not meals out

You might but I don’t, because I believe anyone can leave a relationship at any time for any reason they want. Yes, even men! Ultimately the only reason anyone needs to end a marriage or relationship is “I don’t want to be with this person any more”. Doesn’t matter if their partner is the nicest person on the planet, if the relationship is good enough/bearable, if the partner doesn’t think it’s a good reason to split up - nobody owes anyone a relationship.

Spend half an hour reading the step parent board before making any hasty decisions

I'm getting the sense that the OP has made up her mind, and, all the dancing lessons, bouldering etc in the world aren't going to help convince her that she can rekindle intimacy with a kind, loving, attentive man she was once very much attracted to. I also get the sense that since she got together with her DP so young, she might have a touch of FOMO.

So, I guess, OP, you will discover what's out there. For most of us who've been around the block a bit, kind, loving, attentive, emotionally available men, are indeed rare, but since this is perhaps all you've known, you are able to take it a bit more for granted, and are looking for more. Good luck finding it.

I don’t understand those posts either. Of course you shouldn’t force yourself to have sex with him! You don’t fancy him, and in my opinion/experience no amount of cosy date nights, hotels, hugging on the sofa or forcing sex you don’t want will make you fancy him again. It’s not a feeling you can choose, it either is or it isn’t.

Omg why does everyone assume she wants someone else? Being single is a valid option and as far as I’m concerned better than being in a relationship with the most decent man ever that I didn’t fancy and recoiled from having sex with.

The 'in love' feeling is fleeting. It's a chemical reaction designed to get people together. It may last longer for some than others. Your DP sounds absolutely amazing; there are so many shit men out there OP. You will also be destroying your children's home. I know people say that kids are resilient, but splitting up definitely affects children negatively. All the ones I know from broken homes already carry baggage and seem traumatised.

I agree that being single is a very valid option, and it is certainly one I chose for myself at a point in my life. But, when you have young children, I assume the bar for destabilizing their home is quite high, and not usually just because someone wants to be single?

But, I could be wrong - the bar is what anyone wants it to be. Also, my post was not meant unkindly - getting together with someone at 16 for the rest of your life is a long long time, one is entitled to want something different for oneself.

@Tosserneighbour I’m not expecting to have that “in love” feeling. But I would be expecting to have the “I want to get married, a future, and to have sex with you” feeling.

I agree, op you know what you want and your gut reaction to the first few responses will probably reveal it to you.
Wishing you the very best from someone who stayed (for now) and is content but can also see how going might also have worked..
There's a good short video about 'If you can't make the right decision, make the decision right.'

This!!

It's because you mentioned not feeling 'in love' with your DP a few times in your OP, and it seems to be the only thing that's missing. I was just pointing out that that feeling doesn't last anyway. Or very, very rarely at least.

It struck me when you described him as femenine and you were initially attracted to him when he was the independent car owning capable older boyfriend.
That's your answer.
He's now Mr Safe.
He's now Mr Reliable
You don't have to try.

You don't have to work at making him your mate, you don't have to compete with other women for your mate, you have tamed him and that unfortunately can decrease reactive desire in some women ( and men) in a relationship.
If he suddenly started to be interested in another girl at work, he started dressing better, aftershave, etc but it was crucially to attract this other girl not for you, would you feel jealousy, would your " hang on this is MY mate" instincts kick in and would you see him in an altogether different light sexually?
He's safe and boring sexually now because you have had your children and are in a safe environment. Evolutionary instincts still powerfully effect our lives.
Read Mating in Captivity... its eye opening how the very things we crave after having children, reliability, safety, a faithful steady man, can actually kill libido unless you start to look at him in a new way.
Maybe get him to read it as well.
You may just need your Alpha male back to reignite your desire for him.

@LifeSurvior holy moly, I think you have just hit the nail on the head.

https://youtube.com/shorts/_bctmXiPsSU?is=WvIgQUg3btbRmA5N

Here's that short.

Relationships ebb and flow, youre feelings are quite normal although few would admit it.

I would look to arrange some dates, slowly at first don’t rush it. Ask your Dr to check your blood levels to check all is ok (early peri menopause etc).
agree hold off on marriage just work on you two. Kids and age have a way of removing the carefree fun of youth. But importantly there is a path to find.

These feeling definitely sound like they have come about because you out earn him and feel he has become more feminine which is the opposite of what is attractive to women. (and what attracted you to him initially)
Is there any way he can increase his hours and you can cut yours down allowing you to do some nice things like baking for him?
It will be so much easier to re ignite the spark if you both care for each other in the ways nature intended.

This!!^^ listen to this person!