Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

I think if you wait the void will only get bigger. There’s really no reason to put a relationship on hold for children and it’s probably why they’re in this situation now. If she wants to save the relationship they need to nurture it now, not in 3 years when those feelings of resentment will only be bigger.

13 years together youngest is 3, it's effort to keep intimacy alive. I've previously got the ick before and then fancied the pants off him again. I would be wary throwing it all away before you give things a good shot.
Good men as you say he is are very very very rare to come by and less so as we get older.

Ofcourse don't stay if you're miserable and you've given it everything but do you feel you have really tried?

Do you get time just you two? Could you go and do something new together? Sometimes we need a little kick start to get those feelings of love/lust/interest again.

He sounds wonderful, but that doesn't mean he's the right fit for you. My exH is also wonderful, and we tried to make it work for years. We had 3 lots of marriage counselling over the course of our 14 year relationship because we truly loved each other. We were best friends and a great parenting team. Ultimately, there were things that couldn't be fixed because our needs from a relationship weren't compatible. In the last few years I had no sexual attraction to him at all, but I still had a sex drive and had crushes on other men. That's how I knew it wasn't going to work. Splitting up was the right decision for us, and he now has a wife who is far better suited to him than I was.

However, with a young family it's common for our libido to disappear temporarily. If you aren't experiencing desire for anyone, then I think it's not the right time to be making such decisions. You sound like you have a really solid foundation, and it could be that, in time, your desire for him will return.

Society now is very selfish and that seeps into our heads no matter how balanced we are. Now, it's all about what we deserve and living the best life etc. Someone once told me that before you have a partner you live for yourself, then you live for each other and then you live for your children. That is so unfashionable nowadays, but worth thinking about. You say he deserves more, but he obviously wants you, so perhaps you don't really know what he deserves. If you're going to be selfless enough to leave so he can find someone else, can't you stay selflessly?

I agree with PPs that a little excitement might not be worth the possible regret to have thrown over a good partner who will have your back for life. We don't tend to value what comes easily. If he were harder to keep, would you feel differently? Were your parents unavailable to you? Because that might be your template of a good relationship.

The French say that in a relationship one kisses, and one turns the cheek. Do you want to be the one who kisses instead of turning the cheek?

Only you can decide.

@Username1233you sound like you are trying to martyr yourself making this all about how he deserves so much better - martyr and justify to yourself so that if you leave him you can claim “I did it for him aren’t I wonderful” rather than being responsible for breaking up what you describe as an otherwise lovely little family unit with a man that trust me sounds like gold dust

my eldest despises her father for leaving - she was around 5-6 when he left - years later she still hasn’t forgiven him - she sees through his flimsy excuses for what it was really about - putting his wants and needs first

you wouldn’t be ending it for him you’d be doing it for you. When what you should be staying for is your children and the family unit you committed to when you decided to raise a family with this man

@calminggreen I'm not asking this in a harsh way, but would you have preferred your husband to have faked his feelings about you?

I stayed. Through a slightly more complex situation than you describe as my partner has mental health issues and had breakdowns. Through each breakdown I have fallen out of love and considered separating but we’ve worked together and we are currently in a good patch where we are in love with each other again. I don’t regret staying (at the moment!). I think the shared experiences, working through things together and the ups and downs all contribute to a deeper love. I will say that if you decide to stay you should probably try to gentle share a little of how you are feeling with him as rebuilding those feelings hasn’t come naturally to us - we needed to invest in things the other enjoys, make more time for each other and find out how the other person feels love and try to show it in that way, and gradually the feelings came back.

Faking feelings is horribly disrespectful and hurtful. @Username1233 did you ever find him physically attractive? Was there ever a sexual spark between you, or was that always the missing part? Has anything directly or indirectly turned you off from him? I agree, you're heaping blame on yourself. Have you ever tried to work on sex together, or is that idea just repellent to you? I'm not judging you at all, BTW. Mumsnet I'd full of horrible blokes and people can be extremely judgy about someone leaving a "good man". You sound very troubled and upset about it all.

Sanctimonious much?

Recommend speaking to a therapist or counsellor about this OP. Being with someone from 16 with no other experience (even of just being single/alone) is not going to work for everyone but you have children which makes this much more complicated. Having small kids is an absolute passion killer so this needs bearing in mind too, you will both be run off your feet and exhausted.

Speaking to a professional will help you work through how you are feeling in a non judgmental space. Perhaps after some individual therapy sessions, you might decide to try marriage counselling. Good luck x

I'm with my husband 15 years and we also got together as teenagers. In my experience it absolutely ebbs and flows as we move through different times in our life. We currently have a breastfed baby and both busy with work so it's a little more in the teammate stage at the moment but we stay connected in the little ways, flirting with eachother even as we traipse off exhausted to separate bedrooms because the baby has a cold and everyone needs sleep lol, complimenting eachother publicly and privately.

There have been times especially when I was in my late 20s where I did wonder about what else was out there and I was a bit jealous of my friends in the headiness of first love and missed the all-consuming dramatica of falling in young love but ultimately he is my best friend and the person I want when I'm sick or sad, the one I want to tell things to, the one I can imagine doddering round an old people's home with.

You don't need a reason to leave, you can end a relationship simply because you want to and that's fine but you have a child and he's a good man, you say he's your best friend, is it worth giving it one last really good go so at least if it doesn't work you can walk away free from the 'what ifs'. Make it your resolution to do romantic things for him. Start having sex again, it might be awkward at first as you get back into it but just do a sex challenge. Go on dates, even if its a board game at home with chocolate when the little one is in bed. Tell yourself for the next month I'm going to have the mindset of I love this man and focus on all hos good qualities. If it doesn't work then you have your answer.

If you are in a relationship with someone you call your best friend and have no intimacy, not just the sex but the closeness the you have a friendship. Being in a relationship with someone who is wonderful but you don’t love must be very lonely.

Davina McCall had a sit down with a relationship guy Paul Brunson (Mafs anyone!) have a listen it’s interesting and sounds like something that you might be experiencing.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/begin-again-with-davina-mccall/id1773104705?i=1000675178509

He sounds great, so do you. It doesn't mean that you have to be together. If you have reached a stage where you'd rather be alone (and have felt that way for an extended time) then maybe that's what you should do. You got together very young, he's the only man you have been with, it wouldn't be crazy to see what else is out there and to try and live a different type of life. You have missed out on a lot during your late teens and your 20s by staying together. It's not a bad thing either, learning to live in a committed relationship is a skill too, but maybe it's time to explore a bit more?

@Lalala12345 thanks so much for your supportive words. Yes, when we first got together I madly fancied him. He was extremely outgoing, older than me (so I had that cool guy perception who could drive and roll solo 🤣). As we have got older, we have certainly changed as people, but also grew together so share those similarities in many respects.

Now he’s older, I don’t think he would mind he saying that he’s probably a little more feminine than me. I’m the breadwinner, and the driving force behind wanting to achieve more. Actually, that’s probably a large difference between us. I want more from life, and he is very satisfied with a simple life (which there is absolutely nothing wrong with). I suppose a tiny part of me would like someone who is traditionally a little more manly (which again, I’ve never experienced other men, so do realise this is probably a ridiculous fantasy). I think this is massively contributing to the lack of intimacy. That sounds horrible doesn’t it? 😖

@WildFlowerBees thanks for finding that link, I am shortly going to have a listen xx

Was your sex life with your partner good in the past?

If yes, then there's a hope to get that back.

Having kids and being tired can really affect your drive. I think it's worth saving so see a someone who might be able to get your intimacy and romance back on track.

Good men like this do not come along very often. It's unlikely you'll find it again.
You have children too.

It doesn't sound horrible at all @Username1233 It sounds like you feel terribly guilty for your own feelings. Your H is very comfortable and contented and sounds like he's got no get up and go at all - he's just leaving it all to you. You don't have to be happy or satisfied with that. The relationship has clearly become more out of balance and it's not working for you, but he's oblivious to this. As per a previous poster, please seek some individual therapy as a starting point. You first and foremost need to be able to talk through what's going on for you with a trusted person, in a safe space, without judging yourself so harshly.

Having different ambitions and goals is definitely in the realms of incompatibility and a valid reason to walk away.

Feminine is an interesting choice of words though, if a man is thoughtful and caring that isn’t feminine. I’d definitely tread carefully with your feelings in this space, “careful what you wish for” territory!

I think there is an element of self talk sabotaging you here too. The subconscious mind is programmed by the conscious mind.

If you are telling yourself that you need to leave / don't fancy him etc on a daily basis, then that will be absorbed into your subconscious.

In the last few months my wife died, my mother in law died, and then last week my dog died. I have a choice to spend my day thinking about how shit life is and that it will always be like that, or I can tell myself that I'll get through it and it will be OK one day. I have had both of those thought processes regularly and have to try hard to direct my brain to the latter. The worst days are when I am unsuccessful.

In your position, I would be looking to reinforce all the positives about your other half, don't dwell on the negatives. Look for all the things that brought you together. Foster those, and nurture them. If you focus on all the negatives all the time, then the rot will set in and you'll never get past it. From your original post, there appear to be a lot of positives.

Good luck, I wish you happiness, and to be at peace with whichever decision you choose to make. Lastly, I think you are struggling with "am I making the right decision". I think that it is almost an impossibility to do that. You have to make a decision, and then make it the right one, otherwise your whole life will be one big cycle of I wonder what would have happened if...

@collectkdsasmed thanks. When I say “feminine” I don’t mean with feelings. In fact, I love how open he is with me.

@HappiestSleeping I am so sorry for your loss’s. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You’re definitely right about mindset x

I was in a similar situation. I did leave because I knew, ultimately, we weren’t making each other as happy as we could be. Both exdp and I met new partners within a month of splitting up (very unusually and handled very carefully for dc) who we are still with three years later. We are both happier in our bones. We weren’t horrible to each other, we had a very lovely life together. But we weren’t happy at a very deep level together -we changed views on some fundamental things like equality and feminism and just weren’t quite ‘it’ for each other anymore.

I agree with this 👆

I've been with mine for over 20 years. The feeling do change, we are more like best friends now. But he is a good husband and father. He is great with helping out and we share our money. I would never risk it all for someone I fancy, as they wouldn't be good to me like my husband is. You should stay and suggest couples therapy.

I think that before you make any rash decisions you should go and get some counselling. Perhaps on your own initially and then couples counselling to try and work this through. That I think your husband deserves.

As someone has said, you have 90% of a perfect relationship, and maybe you need to work through what it is that is holding you back from having the other 10% before you walk away.

Been with my partner 11 years, move into our first house together tomorrow. We dont have sex, haven't for 5 years we are best friends and eould die for exch other, thats what important to us. I've had plenty of sex and couldn't care less. Your relationship sounds wonderful, would you want to start over ? I know I wouldn't

If he is all that you described in your open post you are unhappy in spite of him or his behaviour. Why? Could be that you are low, tired, fed up of the daily routine. Could be you are dreaming of romance, missing the days where everything was more exciting. Could be health/hormones related, could be load of reasons for felling like you do, but he is not the cause or part of the problem.
Take it easy before you decided whatever you decided and remember that the grass is not greener once the routine hit in our lives.