“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

What an asshole , discussing you with Female Colleagues.
What the fuck age is this man !.
He’s not respectful & his attitude stinks ..
He shouldn’t want you to feel worried about him & a co - worker, but he clearly doesn’t give a damn , Infact he’s getting cross with you eventhough the “ banter “ messages you saw would give any wife reason to be suss of their husband .
Wonder what way would he be if it was you .
Oh OP , you deserve so much better x

Op he is vile. My ex said stuff like this, I’m so glad I left him. Has zero respect for you, this says it all

Very good point.

Did he read these messages out to you.. or hold the phone out for you to read? If he read them out its even worse.

Your Christmas presents to him were 3 out of 10!! FFSake! Hopefully that is the very last present you will ever buy him.

He is treating you with contempt and cruelty. Horrible to let you know that while he is out with you and the family for your birthday he is busy messaging them. So sorry OP this must be torture.

His belligerence when he said "you don't want to threaten me!" is a threat in itself. It is bullying as pp have said.

It is pointless to confront him further. Tell him nothing from now on. Gather the people you trust around you. Take comfort in your DC and plan a life where you are not treated so cruelly. Could you escape even for a night to have some space to clear your head for a bit?

Ok this is getting serious.

He's bullying you and provoking you. Taunting you with humiliation to either shame you into submission or into leaving him. These types very often want it all, the money, the new ego boost and the army or flying monkeys siding with him.

He has burnt his bridges, if you ever get back on your feet I doubt you could ever forgive this treachery.

Honestly he's a complete bastard and you should be careful, this man's abuse of power has gone to his head and could be dangerous, he thinks he's omnipotant.

This is awful reading, phone the police if he threatens you, you sound scared of him.
Evil piece of shit.

I have learnt that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. He is doing this now because you allow it to happen.
you can’t control his behaviour but you can control your response to it.

@Anon1234567891 I think you’ve done all you can to uncover “ the truth”. I think it’s now time to stop as the more you confront him, the more awful he gets. You do sound scared of him so I think better to do some of the following :

1. call women’s aid tomorrow and talk to someone
2. get an appointment with a solicitor ( first half hour is free so call a couple and get a feel for who you can work with)
3. if you feel under threat at any time, do not hesitate to call 999. I speak from experience when I say the police view your husbands threats and intimidation as domestic abuse. You don’t need a black eye to be a victim of domestic abuse.

The more you post the worse he sounds. The flowers and proposal were not from his heart but from
the bottom of his dark soul. An attempt to shut you up. Stay safe, you don’t need to know any more. People are perceptive op ( I am sure people already see your H for what he is). No more digging for evidence, please take steps to be free from this man, he doesn’t sound safe.

The messages he has shown you are no doubt the very recent ones and not the ones you were initially concerned about, so that proves nothing and does not mean you can trust him. They both probably have new cheap throw away phones for current conversations. He is bullying you and has no right to discuss your marriage with another female colleague. It seems he has no close male friends to confide in if the urge to talk about private matters is so strong. Why is he still messaging her in the evening when he has worked with her all day? Is it to provoke you or rub your nose in it. He is a CF and hopefully the more horrible he is, the more you will be less inclined to care and the permanent break that is near, will be a relief not a heartbreak. Stay strong OP. Thoughts are with you.

I really feel for you but this man has no respect for you. He doesn’t show you any care or kindness. The relationship is over.

Time to plan your exit. 💐

We often share phones too - why wouldn’t we??
So sorry OP - I hate to say it but this is no way to live your life. He is treating you so badly - he wouldn’t if he truly loved you, would he?
It must be scary but you need to be courageous enough to plan out a new life for yourself. You never know it might be enough for him to change? Although to be honest I don’t believe he’ll change at all.
Telling you his Christmas presents were 3/10 tells you all you need to know about this sorry excuse for a man - he is controlling and belittling you. Take control of your life. Best wishes.

Yes, I had this - when my ex was in the midst of his affair he was complaining to his sister that I was being a complete nightmare and causing lots of arguments. But he neglected to tell her the arguments were about HIS affair!

Oh OP

Sorry but he really dislikes you. Why on Earth would you stay with him?????

It’s time to find your own anger, OP. Have some respect for yourself. Stop being his doormat.

Yes.

At this point, op, both he and the ow are knowingly pissing off (well, distressing really) their partners, but seem determined to keep banging on with messages about "How did you enjoy your Christmas?"

Well, not so much actually, because of her.

The level of stubbornness they are demonstrating is staggering. If their marriages matter more, it is time for them both to show it.

Because he already started getting nasty I don’t know what he will do if I stand up to him anymore

Ah yes
mine told his family I was having a mental breakdown and had the nerve to tell me they all hoped I got better soon . Of course he didn’t mention the dominatrix he was seeing and gaslighting the living shit out of me

It sounds as if you are scared of him. Retreat internally from the situation, keep low and start planning a new life with your children. Dont provoke him, speak to a solicitor asap and get all your paperwork etc together while he is at work. Payslips are important, current bills etc and banking details. From experience, once he is out he will try to hide money from you

And I think you defined bullying in one sentence there.

I totally understand your fear op, and you are being realistic about the fact that exiting a marriage is not a thing to do lightly. It is very easy for pp to say find your anger and such things: they only have to type the words.

You have to manage bills, explain to children, manage on your own. It is an entirely different thing.

But in finding your path forward, I do think it is important that you recognise that not saying how you feel for fear of his anger is being bullied.

You don’t have to find your anger. Rage all you want to yourself (anyone would), but if you have decided you want to leave then grey rock him – whether he’s being ‘nice’ or nasty.

His behaviour is toxic. And remember that any better words you hear from him are still toxic unless they are backed up by a noteable change in behaviour.

Grey rocking may elicit many reactions from him, but crucially it’s designed to protect you.

Take care of yourself.

health.clevelandclinic.org/grey-rock-method

But one thing I just wanted to say in a single post op, as it gets buried amongst the various approaches and differing advice, is I am sorry you are going through this. Lots of us would hate having our DH behave like this with a colleague and then try to blame you for being distrustful, paranoid, failing to just move on etc.

He has put you in a horrible situation and is not handling it fairly.💐

I am not going to get into LTB because that is something that is very hard for strangers on the internet to argue for or against except in very clear-cut situations.

But whatever course you follow, please know your feelings are valid: he is being an arse about this particular issue.

Whether or not he has cheated what is clear is you are not a team. He’s ignoring your valid feelings, and complaining about you to others and listening to their advice rather than talk to you directly about the problems in your marriage. Of course there are two sides to every story. But what strikes me is your fear of discussing your feelings with him. That’s not a normal or healthy dynamic.

That’s what you should be concentrating on now. Why don’t you feel safe to raise how you are feeling, knowing you will be heard and can have a discussion about it, even if he disagrees? Maybe marriage counselling will help if you want to try to move forward together.

Op am so angry for you, the 3-10 present well am telling you if it was 10-10 he still would of told her 3-10 , looking for brownie points op, what am absolute ct,

Op you feeling fearful now is all part of the plan, questioning him as well you should, he putting you in place, god he bought you flowers and your still going on, see the game op,

Well as pp have said, now gray rock, be nice, smile, and start getting a plan together, you need to talk to womans aid,

This is all on him op , you need to look after you now ,

I'm so sorry to read your update @Anon1234567891 the bloke is a wanker. A top shelf wanker.

How dare he rub this in your face like that. He is under the allusion that you would never leave, never see through your threats. See them through, OP, whether quietly or abruptly (without putting yourself in any danger). You deserve so, so much more than this.

More worryingly, you sound frightened. If you are in any way worried about your safety, do not hesitate to call the police. Call women's aid for advice. There will be other posters more savvy on this than me, so I'll leave them to the proper advice. Sending strength. You'll get there.x

I am not going to get into LTB because that is something that is very hard for strangers on the internet to argue for or against except in very clear-cut situations.

I agree with this. That's entirely up to the OP, as its never straightforward

He can't be bothered to because he doesn't want to, he has someone else in the wings. You probably didn't find anything bad on there because he's already deleted it from being spooked at you looking at his work phone/teams chat - why else would he block you from it?

Whether he’s cheated or not is irrelevant really now.
He is treating you with such contempt. Also, to go whinging to his colleague friend and being told to be firm with you, like you’re a naughty child playing up? No way.