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Original poster

Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

265 replies

Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 20:16

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

OP posts:
Rictasmorticia · 14/12/2025 20:31

I really feel for you. As children of sch parents we are in a no win situation. We stand up for ourselves and feel guilty. We distance ourselves and feel guilty.

I envy my brother who just walked a away from them without a backward glance or guilty feelings.

50notNifty · 14/12/2025 20:36

Signing in...although I have not grown up with this....seems to be a recent development since my DH left..which don't I know has been very hard for her...sniff sniff...

Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 20:40

Rictasmorticia · 14/12/2025 20:31

I really feel for you. As children of sch parents we are in a no win situation. We stand up for ourselves and feel guilty. We distance ourselves and feel guilty.

I envy my brother who just walked a away from them without a backward glance or guilty feelings.

Totally agree, hope you are coping okay at this time of year. There is no winning and there is no peace.
Its like a bad relationship, I yearn for them to do something really, tangibly wrong to 'justify' not bothering at all, but its all just death by a thousand cuts and the guilt at how devastated they would be. They dont understand what a healthy parent child relationship looks like, and therefore cant see where they are going wrong, and would always come at it from the baseline assumption that I would of course want to work through it because of course i want them in my life, when in reality I am fucking exhausted from dealing with them my whole life.
Do you and your brother get along? Do you ever discuss it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 20:42

50notNifty · 14/12/2025 20:36

Signing in...although I have not grown up with this....seems to be a recent development since my DH left..which don't I know has been very hard for her...sniff sniff...

Im so sorry you're dealing with so much right now - how are you doing?
Always astounds me that these parents cant see that their emotions add extra weight to situations that have nothing to do with them.

OP posts:
Rictasmorticia · 14/12/2025 20:55

My brother and I are not close. He lives abroad. I was my mother’s whipping boy for 70 years. When my lovely dad died at 50 she quickly remarried. I then had him to contend with him too. I spent the first 10 years of my retirement running around after them. When they died I felt I had been let out of prison.

I am so lucky that my DH and my kids know how awful they were and have been absolute diamonds.

50notNifty · 14/12/2025 20:59

I'm just finding it so sad...dealing with the separation has been bad enough, but I've recently had to finally understand that for probably the first time in my life, I'd have quite liked some support from my mum, and I'm not going to get it. She's just not equipped, lots of oh dear oh dear...

Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 21:19

Rictasmorticia · 14/12/2025 20:55

My brother and I are not close. He lives abroad. I was my mother’s whipping boy for 70 years. When my lovely dad died at 50 she quickly remarried. I then had him to contend with him too. I spent the first 10 years of my retirement running around after them. When they died I felt I had been let out of prison.

I am so lucky that my DH and my kids know how awful they were and have been absolute diamonds.

I am so glad you have found a more peaceful existence and that your family 'get it'. Sorry you had your mother's partner to deal with as well, that must have been very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 21:21

50notNifty · 14/12/2025 20:59

I'm just finding it so sad...dealing with the separation has been bad enough, but I've recently had to finally understand that for probably the first time in my life, I'd have quite liked some support from my mum, and I'm not going to get it. She's just not equipped, lots of oh dear oh dear...

I understand completely. Big life events do tend to bring these things under the microscope. I hope you are managing to find some support from other sources? Does your mother shy away from supporting on practical matters also?

OP posts:
50notNifty · 14/12/2025 22:19

Oh yes! It's really only practical help I'd hope for from her, as it seems "easier" - she could make my life immeasurably more bearable by just throwing money at it to be honest (she's not short of it). Or even feeding the kids and I once in a blue moon to save me some time and effort and money. Or babysitting (they're older so not difficult). But nothing apart from phone calls to recount her troubles!

Putyourfeckingsockson · 14/12/2025 23:07

Oh my gosh, yes please! I have realised at the grand old age of 30, that the absolute biggest sin as far as my parents are concerned, is to have any sort of boundary.

My idiot of a ‘sister’ has chosen to stay in a relationship with a convicted sex offender (victim was a child). She hid this from our entire family and let this boyfriend around my children for months until he was sentenced and I found out on social media. Apparently she “had risk assessed and decided he wasn’t a risk”… Of course, I am beyond furious, I just don’t have enough adjectives to say quite HOW angry and hurt I am and want absolutely NO part of this shit show. She’s an absolute disgrace.

My dad accused me of putting them in a “terrible position” this afternoon because my sister turned up at their house when my eldest ds was there and I said they weren’t to have any contact. My mum just cries as soon as she is vaguely uncomfortable and has spent my entire life excusing terrible behaviour from my dad and now also does the same for sister’s boyfriend. Has spent the last six months running around after them both to make sure they are okay and has barely come near me, despite me being newly postpartum with third baby after difficult birth requiring resuscitation for baby and lots of stitches for me.

Oh wait, she did turn up at my door in tears when I was about a month postpartum so that I could spend the day being an unpaid therapist… never got made a cup of tea or offered to let me sleep or shower, obviously!

SORRY FOR THE TRAUMA DUMP

BoundaryGirl3939 · 14/12/2025 23:14

The thought struck me today that when my parents die, I will be relieved. I won't miss them. Not sure how they'd feel if they knew this. I feel unlucky as to the family I got. Talk about a lifetime of suffering.

Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 23:18

50notNifty · 14/12/2025 22:19

Oh yes! It's really only practical help I'd hope for from her, as it seems "easier" - she could make my life immeasurably more bearable by just throwing money at it to be honest (she's not short of it). Or even feeding the kids and I once in a blue moon to save me some time and effort and money. Or babysitting (they're older so not difficult). But nothing apart from phone calls to recount her troubles!

Oh thats so tough, to get all of the fake emotion and none of the urge to actually help. Or spend time with her grandchildren while they are going through a tough time! No doubt she claims to dote on them...

OP posts:
Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 23:20

Putyourfeckingsockson · 14/12/2025 23:07

Oh my gosh, yes please! I have realised at the grand old age of 30, that the absolute biggest sin as far as my parents are concerned, is to have any sort of boundary.

My idiot of a ‘sister’ has chosen to stay in a relationship with a convicted sex offender (victim was a child). She hid this from our entire family and let this boyfriend around my children for months until he was sentenced and I found out on social media. Apparently she “had risk assessed and decided he wasn’t a risk”… Of course, I am beyond furious, I just don’t have enough adjectives to say quite HOW angry and hurt I am and want absolutely NO part of this shit show. She’s an absolute disgrace.

My dad accused me of putting them in a “terrible position” this afternoon because my sister turned up at their house when my eldest ds was there and I said they weren’t to have any contact. My mum just cries as soon as she is vaguely uncomfortable and has spent my entire life excusing terrible behaviour from my dad and now also does the same for sister’s boyfriend. Has spent the last six months running around after them both to make sure they are okay and has barely come near me, despite me being newly postpartum with third baby after difficult birth requiring resuscitation for baby and lots of stitches for me.

Oh wait, she did turn up at my door in tears when I was about a month postpartum so that I could spend the day being an unpaid therapist… never got made a cup of tea or offered to let me sleep or shower, obviously!

SORRY FOR THE TRAUMA DUMP

Oh my god, im so sorry to hear about all of it but especially the birth of your baby, how are you and baby doing now??
What on earth are your parents thinking. Does your dad refuse to discuss the core issue in any detail, by any chance?

OP posts:
Igotu · 14/12/2025 23:35

I'm booked in for a PET scan and a lung biopsy but once I told her about that we had to focus on the most important fact which is that she still has a cold.

Putyourfeckingsockson · 14/12/2025 23:38

@Thundertoastbaby and I are fine now thank you so much for asking (poss not mentally tbh).

I can’t fathom what they are thinking, I feel so let down left right and centre and the only thing I am asking for now is that myself, husband and kids are left out of it completely.

My mum seems to think that everything can go back to normal, as do my sister and her boyfriend.
They seem to have focused in on me being the stumbling block between them and ‘normality’ as I am sticking to my guns and enforcing strict boundaries. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable to be honest.

My dad has tried guilting me into maintaining a relationship with my sister and is now trying nastiness as a tactic instead.

I have a huge amount of issues with both parents that predate this situation (I have been their marriage guidance counsellor my entire living memory, they hate each other, should have divorced years ago, dad blames me for this as I “chose” my mum over him as a baby).

I fear this may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back but I feel so responsible for their happiness as I am the only person they have ever leaned on for support.

Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 23:42

Igotu · 14/12/2025 23:35

I'm booked in for a PET scan and a lung biopsy but once I told her about that we had to focus on the most important fact which is that she still has a cold.

@Igotu im so sorry, thats so tough. Got my fingers crossed for you on the results front.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thundertoast · 14/12/2025 23:44

BoundaryGirl3939 · 14/12/2025 23:14

The thought struck me today that when my parents die, I will be relieved. I won't miss them. Not sure how they'd feel if they knew this. I feel unlucky as to the family I got. Talk about a lifetime of suffering.

I hear you and I understand💐 do they operate on the assumption the relationship is good or do they know you arent happy?

OP posts:
RogueOneTwoThree · 14/12/2025 23:57

I've been questioning this about my parents more recently. I'm going to get the book you mentioned. They still seem to have this power over me that I question whether it is them being emotionally immature or whether it's me that's the problem still. It's particularly hard at this time of the year. I'm dreading the 25th.

Shortbread49 · 15/12/2025 07:19

I understand I have never had any support emotional or otherwise from either of my parents I had to bring myself up it was like I was the parent to them . I don’t think I’ve ever had an adult conversation with my mother . They stopped staking to me and by default their only grandchildren as we challenged one of her rude comments ( I was 50!) been 3 years and both are in a sorry state health wise . I get rude texts off her and rude emails off him never once asking how we are just going on about how bored and miserable she is and how awful everything is . Any suggestions I make like carers, age yk or me going to help are ignored . You have to step back if they are never going to listen to you . It occurred to me they would have never helped me or even ring to ask how I was xx

50notNifty · 15/12/2025 08:19

Oh @IgotuI'm so sorry to hear this, but it did give me a wry smile as I have been quite ill over the past few years and the cold thing resonates completely!
In fact yesterday I got told she was very worried about me being so unwell and having to do so much...I inserted a long pause...then she moved onto her problem!

RogueOneTwoThree · 15/12/2025 08:51

Shortbread49 · 15/12/2025 07:19

I understand I have never had any support emotional or otherwise from either of my parents I had to bring myself up it was like I was the parent to them . I don’t think I’ve ever had an adult conversation with my mother . They stopped staking to me and by default their only grandchildren as we challenged one of her rude comments ( I was 50!) been 3 years and both are in a sorry state health wise . I get rude texts off her and rude emails off him never once asking how we are just going on about how bored and miserable she is and how awful everything is . Any suggestions I make like carers, age yk or me going to help are ignored . You have to step back if they are never going to listen to you . It occurred to me they would have never helped me or even ring to ask how I was xx

I feel like this too. I had to re parent myself. Mine go for the silent treatment.

Igotu · 15/12/2025 08:56

Shortbread49 · 15/12/2025 07:19

I understand I have never had any support emotional or otherwise from either of my parents I had to bring myself up it was like I was the parent to them . I don’t think I’ve ever had an adult conversation with my mother . They stopped staking to me and by default their only grandchildren as we challenged one of her rude comments ( I was 50!) been 3 years and both are in a sorry state health wise . I get rude texts off her and rude emails off him never once asking how we are just going on about how bored and miserable she is and how awful everything is . Any suggestions I make like carers, age yk or me going to help are ignored . You have to step back if they are never going to listen to you . It occurred to me they would have never helped me or even ring to ask how I was xx

Fully understand your comment about having to parent yourself and them as well. I was doing it from about age 7.

Original poster
Thundertoast · 15/12/2025 09:26

RogueOneTwoThree · 14/12/2025 23:57

I've been questioning this about my parents more recently. I'm going to get the book you mentioned. They still seem to have this power over me that I question whether it is them being emotionally immature or whether it's me that's the problem still. It's particularly hard at this time of the year. I'm dreading the 25th.

The book is really great. I had the same issue as you, I always assume its actually my fault on anything so its taken a long time to accept its not my fault (and therefore why my attempts to make things better dont work) and the book really helped me recognise that and also steer away from the mindset id developed where id keep telling myself 'its not fair for you to be upset, they did their best, they had their own difficult upbringing, they didnt have a good example' etc.

OP posts:
Shortbread49 · 15/12/2025 09:50

Oh yes the silent treatment that’s common it’s one thing doing it to me it’s quite another thing doing it to innocent children (although they had wised up to them at quite a young age ) but I get asked things like why don’t we have a nice grandma

FirTreeHeaven · 15/12/2025 10:08

@Rictasmorticia "I spent the first 10 years of my retirement running around after them. When they died I felt I had been let out of prison."

Yes, exactly the same here. I didn't even really know who I am until they were gone. The relief is intense and one of my first thoughts every day even many years later. I am free.

Thank you to all the posters on this thread. You've made me feel less alone with some really negative emotions and memories. I wish you all well.