Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

[Thundertoast]

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

My mum is awful to me but lovely to my younger brothers girlfriend she is like a different person and then she tells me about the things she does for her But would never do for me . I am sure it’s another way to get in a dig and put me down

I think this is my mum - she's not like the narc Ps on the other thread, though I have had a couple of suggestions that I'm "just not seeing it" but she can't be the mum I need or the grandparent my DCs need.

No skin in the game, but some adult children see their parents as the problem, and some elderly parents see their adult kids as the problem.

It’s all what it is - subjective. 🤷‍♀️

Hi, this thread is for people who specifically have parents with emotionally immaturity who want to discuss it in a non judgemental environment. If you want to discuss issues on both sides of the fence, there's been several in the last week you might find better suited to your point of discussion.

YES because my mother is a crazy bitch.

I'm guessing you've never had the experience that most of us have here.
Don't post if you don't understand!

This is where the book mentioned above was a revelation to me - there's definitely some elements of narcissism (e.g. gaslighting) but it doesn't quite fit.

I do also realise that it's not entirely their fault they're like this, but I struggle to understand the lack of self awareness or attempt to change when they must (surely?) see how it affects relationships.

I have found my people! I am the child of an emotionally immature parent and have also read that book.

I know when my mum dies I’ll feel so utterly free. She’s so draining.

As others have suggested, those parents are welcome to start their own threads. We CHILDREN of emotionally immature parents are still
dealing with the trauma caused. Oh and by the way, a lot of our trauma comes from our parents always
putting their wants and needs first regardless of the impact on us, even as children. You have pretty much suggested we do that still.

please don’t post here again.

Signing in.

Welcome to all🍷
Its absolutely exhausting.
The entire relationship feels like having to work a customer service role with a difficult customer. You have to take whatever crap you get, you have the responsibility to solve all the problems, you cant talk back or there are consequences, you have to laugh at their jokes or be accused of being miserable... if you upset them by pointing out they are in the wrong, thats still a you problem. And its relentless. Putting on the mask.

The mask, that’s a good way to look at it. We’ve been conditioned through years of this behaviour to tip toe around them. It’s no wonder I’m a total failure at relationships!

You’d have to be curious about types of posts like this all the same.

Is it a lack of empathy?
Is it poor boundaries?
Is it a need to feel better than or superior to others?

You do have to wonder what deep down need it serves for a person to come on a support thread and attempt to try to shame people who are looking for support in difficult situations. It says something I guess.

I found that book very interesting but my family is in the abusive category. I had the benefit of my parent coming to therapy for mediation and continue the pattern of abuse in front of the therapist.

After which the therapist refused to see us together again which really helped me to understand what I was dealing with.

Best of luck to you all, these situations are very painful.

I am now very LC with my mum - we accepted Christmas presents for the DC but we can see she's bought way more for DD so I shall be going through and weeding out some of those. DS has a birthday in early Jan and she's sent those though still sent more for DD.

I see this in my family too. What about with your brother?
I think it was OP that mentioned genders being treated differently, that's what happens in my family. I can see it across the generations.

Is anyone else the scapegoat? Is this associated with this or is this narcissism.

I always feel guilty when i think of my Mum in these terms.. she makes a massive fuss about me being grateful for what i consider normal things. I certainly wouldn't expect dc to feel grateful for bringing them up as i chose to have them.

Oh god yes the wanting something big to be able to go no contact, i yearn for that! I mean before I woke up to it all there have been loads of things over the years that would have justified it. There was an incident a few years ago where I made a comment about her bloody dog that she won't train, her response, don;t come round to the house. I saw red, this was after me sorting all my dad's hospital stuff when she didn't want him home, sorting his home, the funeral, clearing the house, doing it all to facilitate a house move to get her closer to me and in a new house but the one time I expressed annoyance it was don't come round. Grr.

She has used me - parentified/emotional incest all my life. Remember being about five and her saying "I'd kill myself if it wasn't for you".

That book though, between them my mum and dad were all the types.

I think scapegoating is a role in a narcissistic family system. Id bet you have a narcissist in your family.

I saw mine in the street after i'd come back from holiday. Ran across the road to tell me she had a cold and "thought she would die". She started crying in the street ffs. Could I take her to the chemist on Monday (this was Sunday) to get antibiotics - yep cos they give them out don;t they for colds. Once of a day I would have stopped my day and pandered but i carried on with my walk into town with my other half, had breakfast and then phoned her when I got home an hour later and said that as she was that ill I would suggest I took her to an emergency chemist. Oh I've been thinking she said I will leave it for now, see how I get on. She just wanted a whinge to someone, now she'd had that she was ok again, similar to me being her therapist from an early age.

Mine also will ask how you are, well rarely but if she does you can get about three words out before she just starts talking again. Have said it on here before, she thinks asking the question is the thing, you don't have to listen to the answer.

I have a decent sized family but sadly
they all drink my parents cool aid so I’m seen as the ‘bad’ one. There is no such thing as a confidential conversation with any of them. They attempt to show support but really it’s fishing for gossip for my mother. She’s full of narc though. Absolutely no denying it.

We alternate so one of my DB and I are the golden child in turn.

I wish my sibling was emotionally mature enough to do that. He needs our mum, mostly for money. I don’t. He still hopes if he loves her hard enough she might love him. I gave up that a long time ago. He’s not really aware that she’s a narc. He wouldn’t be open to being advised either.

If it’s okay I’ll let rip? I completely Identify with @dataretentionheadache’s experience of not wanting or daring to bring children into the world because in my case I felt I didn’t Deserve it.

I can remember where I was and vaguely what had happened. DM was also physically abusive but I’m not sure I should be talking about that here, don’t want to try to win Most Shocking Experience on the thread award, but she used to knock me unconscious frequently. So I’d come round, as if I’d been asleep, feeling very sad, tired, bewildered, angry. I remember once trying to think of a punishment for her and it was “I’ll show Her. I’m NEVER going to have kids” it was sort of an act of self-harm (I did go on to become anorexic - I liken it to alcoholism - you’re always recovering, never over it). Of course it only punished me, not her, but it gave a tiny bit of vent at the time.

Why I thought it would hurt her, I do not know but I had so few choices.

She’s still trying to torture me now, but I have very little contact.

This thread makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing everyone.

It sounds like you are well within your rights to let
rip, as loudly as you like and how often you like. Never feel you have to play down what she did to you. She abused you. Badly.

im sorry that it has resulted in you not having children. I do understand that though.

im determined to be a better mother than mine ever was / is and so far I think im doing a good job.

@dataretentionheadache and @QuietlyPedalling - it was a big factor in me not having children too. I think if I had, I would have tried so hard to do a better job, but I was both scared that I wouldn't and worried about the wider family relationships (not the only reasons but a big part of it).

I'm an only child and feel like I have a lot of guilt/ responsibility, but I'm low contact with my mum and no contact with others on her side of the family who have similar traits.

Does anyone else get exhausted by trying to explain it to other people? I find a lot of people are really shocked by me saying I don't have much contact with my mum - one of my colleagues actually asked me the other day if she was still alive, as I never mention her.