Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

[Thundertoast]

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

Hi @Citrusbergamia, I have some very similar thoughts and feelings with regard to my own family. I have fifty years of 'little comments', of never quite fitting in with my family, of being told I'm 'just like...(insert whoever in the extended family my mother currently dislikes the most)'. I have as an adult been able to manage my relationship with them without ever really addressing the sadness that comes with having to manage a relationship with the people you'd hope would be your closest allies.

I don't want to be NC with my parents, I love them and they love me, but as they get older it's often like dealing with an elderly toddler. Admittedly more my DM than DF. It isn't always easy, but it also isn't uniformly awful either.

I'm finding this thread really useful, I have friends who couldn't understand at all and friends who have had much, much worse situations with their families and are pretty much NC. Neither of which are my situation.

and it's that comment too, that you've made @EsselteFilingBox "having to manage a relationship..." that is exactly what I do with both my DP. When did that start?!!? 'manage' my relationship?!? How is that even a thing with a parent?? 🙄

Shouldn't we just have a relationship without having to worry about the fact that I didn't phone them on Tuesday (never promised I would) but when I saw them on Wednesday, they were both fine and made no comment that I hadn't phoned them on Tuesday...so we're all good and why did I worry? And when they don't say anything about me not phoning, I think 'am I making all this up in my head? Are they really all that bad?' But something has made me have an automatic reaction to feel bad/guilt with a decision I made... I guess it's what @AttilaTheMeerkat has alluded to...because my DM would have been on my case as a young child/teen/20 something adult for not telling her what I was doing and who I was doing it with and why didn't I think of her and why didn't I want to see her rather than my friends (you get the picture), my automatic response is 'I have to please DM' still at the age of 55!! ggggaaaahhhh!!!!!

It's so frustrating but at least I have started to see it now and can stop and re-assess...

My therapist recommended the following two books by Lindsay Gibson;

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:

And

Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:

They have been really eye opening, but have helped reframe my thinking in a lot of ways

@gruffaloshmuffalo many thanks for the recommendation, I am reading the first book you mentioned and I really recommend it.

I'm thinking about the concept of "managing" the relationship. I agree we shouldn't have to manage a relationship. As children we learned we had to manage the dysfunction of a primary caregiver, who was supposed to protect and guide us, and we didn't have that. We got the need to be hypervilant of their damaging reactions and manage their emotions. Which is absolutely appalling. I don't feel love towards my mother, and I feel I can say this here. I love my dad even though he was and still is her enabler. I think because we need to love someone.as children. I send you all big hugs. We survived this and we didn't perpetuate the same dysfunctional relationship with our children. I feel so grateful for that every day.

DM would have been on my case as a young child/teen/20 something adult for not telling her what I was doing and who I was doing it with

Mine is still doing it! Drives me nuts. I shut it down these days but it means we mostly don't talk because it's all she wants to know, that and other personal stuff. Last time I saw her she asked what I'd been up to and I smilingly told her I'd taken up a new (generic, ordinary, happy to talk about it) hobby. She looked disgusted, like I'd just slapped her round the face with a shit-soaked tea-towel. And that was the end of that conversation. It's impossible. It's odd to think that if anything happens to her before we next meet, that's going to be my last memory of her.

She's currently angry because I'm not managing my relationship with her, I'm extricating myself from it. I have a new rule for 2026 which is simply to step away from any drama. It's working for me! For them, not so much. I've had normality from one person who I think also side steps the drama as much as possible. Drama from two, which has been ignored. Radio silence from the rest.

It's bizarre. If they want to talk to me all they have to do is send me a message that's normal, ordinary and absent of drama of any kind. For some reason they can't/won't. Every message so far has contained manipulation, to get me to do something. When I think about replying I realised I'd have to justify myself or explain my actions or give out information I didn't want to give out. I couldn't be bothered dancing around it so I just didn't reply. And it's so peaceful.

I feel a bit like the most hated person on the planet right now but I know that's irrational and untrue, it's also not surrounding me so I don't care. It doesn't matter if they're all thinking their thoughts miles away and not stood next to me giving off bad vibes.

I love the mantra of "step away from drama", I'll have to adopt it.

This week I finally graduated university. It's funny because my younger sister (golden child) was due to graduate at the same time as me. I always 'knew' that if it came down to it, my mother would go to her graduation rather than mine. She thinks gc deserves it more than me, and that gc has a harder life than I do. In one way, it was easier now we're nc. That way, she wasn't invited. Instead had a wonderful few days with my husband, kids, and my dad.

It does feel like I could produce the cure for every world major problem from my arse, and she would tell me it wasn't as impressive as whatever nonsense my drug addled sister, her gc, could do.

Gotta keep protecting my peace.

@AttilaTheMeerkatyou have been really helpful to me on this thread and others (Stately Homes mainly) and I saw you suggest Out of The Fog somewhere and looked at that today. What a great resource.

Has the Stately Home thread died? I couldn’t find it.

No it’s still very much going. I’ll find it and bump it.

I've re-read my last message.

It sounds like I'm bitter and jealous of my sister. I am, in some ways. I'm jealous of the way she's so highly regarded by my mother, I'm jealous that she is always cut slack, even when she's the reason things have kicked off.

It's something I'm working through.

You sound like you're slowly finding the path to peace gruffalo

I didn't find the Emotionally Immature Parents book that helpful - it was full of things that made me say "well that could be anyone" or "it wasn't THAT bad" or "am I like that?".

I'm in an argument on another thread with someone who is behaving towards her niece in the same way my mum behaves to my DD. While I'm pretty sure I'm at least a better parent than the sister on that thread, it's all about "I only love my niece" with no thought that the sister has two children who need help.

I think the trouble with emotionally immature parents is that isolated incidents do sound very trivial. But it's not about isolated incidents, it is about a pattern built up over the whole of a person's childhood and often well beyond, that forms your whole personality, way of thinking about yourself and influences the way you deal with others.

I once had a conversation with some good friends where I tried to tell them about my parents. The conversation started off with them saying something similar to what you said "everyone's parents do that"; "that doesn't sound that bad"; "are you sure you're not thinking about it the wrong way?" but as I kept talking the interventions got fewer and fewer as realisation dawned. Yes, everyone's parents do that some of the time; it's the doing it all of the time that's the problem.

Thinking of you all on this thread, on what can be a tricky day. I sent a mother's day card, somehow I can't seem to stop doing that. I'm trying to avoid a phone call, and honestly grieving the relationship we don't have.

I didn't send one, partly because the thought only occurred to me after the DCs had told me about the ones they bought. My mum sent a video via WhatsApp on my birthday (last month) which I know is there but haven't watched.

I don't know if I'll send a mother's day card this year. I usually do (if I remember, I'm not good with dates, otherwise it's a text) because it's something I can do and it makes her happy. Wishing anyone a happy day isn't something that bothers me, no matter the person or what they've done. I have to get a plain one though, not one of the "wonderful mother" type ones.

This year I haven't had any positive contact since Christmas (which was a disaster and not positive itself), I ignored it all because it wasn't positive and it has since tailed off. Now I find myself in the position of feeling very strongly that I don't want to invite any more contact at this point in time. I'm enjoying my peace and although I suspect a response to a mother's day card would be positive, it just isn't something I want, I really want to be left alone. So I might leave it this year and not send anything. I'm so very tired of ignoring my own feelings in favour of prioritising someone else's, when that person can never ever do the same for me.