Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

[Thundertoast]

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

I have one friend who I compare notes with because her family is as interesting as mine but I don't tell most people, they wouldn't get it. Had one of mum's friends tell me what a saint she is, so kind, so helpful. This is the woman who, amongst many other things, would drag me down the stairs by my hair, lock me out with no shoes, and throw things at me (cups of hot coffee, stilettos, plates). I also chose not to have children.

Forgot to mention the crying when she doesn't like her birthday or Christmas presents. Even as a child when you buy cheap shit presents, (because you're a child), they'd either be thrown away with a 'what did you buy that for', or she'd cry because it wasn't what she wanted.

Good morning, I saw this thread last night and it made me ‘happy’. I have only come across the emotionally immature online in recent years but it describes my parents perfectly! The narc label never quite fit.
I have also learned the term ‘low effort parent’ recently and that fits them too.

They were not bad parents growing up (to me, I think my sister would tell you a different story) but as I’ve become an adult and less enmeshed with their ways I’ve noticed a lot of anxiety in myself.

I currently have a big ass bundle of anxiety because after a year of peri and my own shit going on I’ve decided that if my parents want to see us at Xmas they can make a plan. They can do the thinking. They live 20mins away. It’s taking all my will power not to be the first to reach out just to get rid of the yucky feeling!

Oh god that feeling , it’s awful isn’t it. Stay strong.

My mum is a tantrummer. And an sulker. Emotionally unstable. Massive victim complex. She decides how things are gonna be in her head and then gets sad/cross/sulky when the fictional narrative doesn’t play out.

My dad guilt trips us about never seeing him but never puts in reciprocal energy. TBF to him he IS a farmer without much help, but I’ve seen how other farming families operate and he is particularly hermit like.

Recently when we’ve spent time with them they literally talk at us about people I don’t know. My mum ran me through the struggles the son of her Tesco delivery driver (???) was having in mainstream school - whilst not knowing that we’re getting her own DGC assessed WTF. If she knew she’d call me secretive.

I’ve had all kinds of gynae investigations this year (nothing to worry about) but I CBA to tell them.

They only attempt to visit us when it aligns with an errand they need to do in this area as well. And despite those errands sometimes being things like appointments they knew about well in advance they will not make any advance plans with us, just expect to be able to drop in. I hate that!

God sorry what a rant. Cathartic to write it down isn’t it?!

Just logging in that this chimes with me - especially with regards to my mum - and I need to read the book. Really cathartic to read other people’s experiences: thank you for the thread op!

Oh I relate so much to all of this. I think I gave emotionally immature parents but also narcissists in the family too.
It's exhausting. It's like growing up with the school bullies as your family. Always watching your back.
I'm the black sheep. I've put in boundaries and gone low contact. So the golden children sibling and the rest of the family think I'm a rubbish family member because "i don't put enough effort in"
No matter what I did it would never be enough. When I was involved more I was practically invisible and that's how I survived just going along with the status quo.

It is so difficult to Try and explain to anyone else that my family are a cardboard cut out all smoke and mirrors. They appear "normal" caring well intentioned but its a big act. The reality is very very different. But ofcourse outsiders think I'm the problem, the difficult one.

It's so exhausting fighting against a force no one else can see. I feel others really underestimate the effect on us not having that support. The assumption that all family means well and want the best for you could not be further from the truth for many of us.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced, you could not have put it better that growing up as the scapegoat is like growing up with your school bullies at home.

That exactly sums up what my life was like except the bullying became abuse. They are all still at it too and the abuse towards one sibling only stopped just over a decade ago but at least now everyone in the wider family knows there was sibling SA and an tonne of emotional and psychological abuse and controlling behaviour not that my parent's generation react to that but they know it. My cousins have been a great support though.

When you put it like that it really makes it clear why it is so damaging. Home should be your sanctuary from bullying not the home of your bullying.

All of my siblings are completely under the emotional and psychological hold of our deeply dysfunctional bullying parents too so they are blind to the parts they continue to play in the dynamics. You are conditioned from very early on to put your parents first in families like ours and the fear of you break out of that is enormous. You will be shunned and outcast and that is like death when you have grown up so deprived of proper parental love.

@martha79 @QuietlyPedalling @Igotu thank you for reading, responding and helping me feel a lot less alone in this.

Current EIPS (Emotional Immature Parent Situation) is - my Father lives in another country - very irresponsible, very low effort non 'parent'. He expects his many children from many marriages who are all adults to go over to his country for his big birthday which is between xmas and New Year. Because no one has booked it or thought of it - there wasnt an invite just an expectation we are experiencing extreme emotional outbursts from someone who hasn't remembered my birthday for years, hasn't responded to messages or emails for 9 months and suddenly this week is furious we haven't booked plane tickets and hotels, he hasn't actually invited anyone he expected us to know this is what he wanted..... I have sent a lovely gift (out of guilt - of course🙄) which he has refused and the company are sending it back to me.

Has anyone had any luck discussing with their siblings to book and the emotional immaturity thing - I think my brother has been hugely affected by this and would benefit but I worry about upsetting him...

'She decides how things are gonna be in her head and then gets sad/cross/sulky when the fictional narrative doesn’t play out.'

THIS. And if you dare try and chivvy them along a bit on it at all, you get 'im allowed to be upset, its healthy to express your feelings, its not healthy to pretend to be okay all the time'
Its also not healthy for your child to have to deal with every negative emotion you have ever had but okay, im the evil one who doesnt understand mental health.

Welcome to the newcomers!
I have wondered about mentioning the book to my sibling but they have indicated recently that they prefer to simply keep parent at arms length (easy for them due to geographical distance, as it has simply never occurred to parent to visit and sibling wouldn't want them to) and compartmentalised in their head, as they have other problems they are dealing with, which is fair enough.
They also have the bonus of more years of keeping parent at arms length behind them which I think helps them.

Just out of interest, does anyone have a situation where your parent has a partner (imagine this is most common for people whose parents are no longer together) who can only see that the parent dotes on their children and is so proud of them etc, and doesnt seem to ask themselves any questions like 'why arent they in contact more often'. Or have they characterised us as ungrateful children to loving parents? Not something that bothers me especially, but just curious.

I watched some CIA guy recently explain that 90% of manipulation is playing on people cognitive dissonance- it blew my mind because I reckon my mother came out of her own mother with a distinction in this skill. (Or maybe she learned it from her own mother).

The post upthread from @Thundertoast about

'im allowed to be upset, its healthy to express your feelings, its not healthy to pretend to be okay all the time'

is such a great example of the manipulation and preying on cognitive dissonance. We all know the statement to be true but equally we know that emotionally immature people completely monopolise everyone’s time and emotional energy so if you give them the time and energy to express their feelings (always negative feelings) you will be absolutely exhausted with everyone else in your life and end up completely overwhelmed.

Thank you for starting this thread, I appreciate it. It describes my DM, she isn’t narcissistic but my DSis and I both think she’s emotionally immature. (Despite being highly intelligent and independent from an early age after having been orphaned at 10.)

I’ve spoken elsewhere about the CSA my DSis and I went through at the hands of our F and others; he himself is long dead thankfully. My DM didn’t know, and understandably it was a big shock when we told her 10 years ago. So I understand her being shocked. But it’s all about her when we talk about it; she keeps saying how awful she feels and keeps apologising, despite me having told her that I don’t hold it against her. So the continued apologising and hand wringing isn’t really for my benefit. This makes me feel that I have to comfort her.

She also regularly complains that she can’t enjoy the happy memories that she does have of our family life together. (I have happy memories too, but they just demonstrate to me how much of a contradiction my F was and I don’t even want to talk about it.)

She’s never been able to relate on an emotional level as a mum, though she has always tried to be helpful in practical ways. (Though she’s also interfering, which really annoys my DH.)

I have mine living with me, I can so relate to the sullen sulky teenager behaviour. That book really opened my eyes, which has made me less tolerant of the bullshit which in turn gets turned me being the baddy and her the victim. It’s tiring to say the least.

This thread really resonates. My mum is a tantrum thrower whenever you step outside her lines. She always wants to be in the middle of every single relationship, preferably setting us four siblings against each other and then moaning that we don't get on.

In recent years me and my sister have sorted ourselves out and now have a close and supportive relationship, but we don't tell mum how often we're in contact as she will just cry about being left out. Literally cry because I've spoken to my sister on the phone more recently than she has. I spent years calming her down and pandering to her from childhood onwards; mainly trying to protect myself and the other three (all younger).

Now I call her weekly and limit visits - so this weekend she was feeling hard done by that our pre Christmas visit we only stayed for five hours - it is over a hundred miles and we have limited time as me, DH and both adult DSs work full time. I have given up overnight stays most of the time as it just means that she is miserable the second day because we're going back.

One brother is also struggling with her, the youngest is currently golden child and can do no wrong. And his fiancée can do still less wrong. It's exhausting and it always has been.

I have found my people. For several decades the Cockroach Cafe has been my go to place for empathy and advice. I honestly believe that if Mumsnet had been around when I was young, it would have given me the courage to go NC.

Like everyone else I thought I was alone. My mother is a wonderful actress and everyone believes her fantasy. She led my Dad a dogs life. When she remarried she would tell these tall stories about the life she had. Digging at the new husband by pretending things about my Dad. I would listen to her, not contradicting her because it was embarrassing.

When I was first dating DH, we were teenagers, he would question why the whole family let her treat us that way. The truth was that we learned at a very young age to keep silent. She was so articulate that for every one thing we said she would come up with 10 vile things to say in retaliation.

I spent my young years assuming that if I had children they would dislike me when they grew up. The only good thing she did was taught me how not to be a Mum. All My kids are extremely close to us. The biggest compliment we ever got was when they were newly married.We were minding the children while they went out together. A few days later DD said that they had been talking about their childhood. They all agreed that they would raise their children exactly as they had been raised.

Ya, my ums favourite line was (my name) doesn’t understand. Err really mum, well I understood enough for you to use me as a therapist from bring a small child, I understood that you hated my dad etc etc etc. I know it’s just a way to justify or deflect from any pushback or questions. She also speaks in complete terminating cliches.

Gosh yes, the cognitive dissonance. My mum would go on about how hard done by she was having to deal with my dad who was lazy, clumsy and forgetful - when he wasn't, and I could see he wasn't, but as a kid you think it must be true because it's your mum saying it! I actually introduced my dad to the term 'gaslighting' in recent years and that was a huge revelation to him about their relationship.

My mum's a fan of the silent treatment.
I had to ask her to calm down with the numerous calls and texts every day about 4 years ago now. She hasn't called me since.
We do speak but only if I call which suits me fine.

The cognitive dissonance is real. Parent will make 'woe is me' comments about not getting to see sibling very much, but has simply never bothered to visit sibling, despite having ample time and funds to do so, while sibling is poor in both of these.

I am so, so sorry that happened to you, and im so sorry you have to continue to deal with your mothers feelings on it on top of everything else. I hope you and your sister are doing okay.

Oh god its so nice not to feel alone - parent also shows jealousy if I ever mention speaking to sibling without him. Parent now makes comments about me speaking to sibling 'all the time' (nothing could be further from the truth)

Thank you for this thread.

My own story is convoluted and long, but I'm lucky enough to be going through therapy, and I have a support group. However, just seeing others who are going through the same things with their mothers is a massive game changer for me. Makes me feel a lot less alone, especially at this time of year.

I spoke to some friends I was meeting for drinks on Sat and some work colleagues yesterday - none of them can believe that my mum has been behaving the way she has towards DS (and me). It just seems so outside their perception of what can happen in the real world.