Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

[Thundertoast]

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

That is positive news, I know you dont have all the answers yet but I hope that brings you some reassurance at least.
And very clever, using the hyperbole to challenge her! Im thinking that might come in handy moving forward too!
Wishing you a peaceful christmas too, away from trump your mother

I have an emotionally immature parent.

I had an awful childhood and when I was too old for my mom to control me with the fear of physical punishment for my behaviour it then moved on to controlling my behaviour through manipulation, coercion, guilt and silent treatments. This continued throughout my adult life until earlier his year, at the age of 42 I realised I was just done with it.

We have been no contact for 8 months now and Ive had counselling to help me come to terms with my childhood and also to help me understood the workings of my mother’s brain and come to terms with how dysfunctional our relationship had always been. I have tried to reach out to her during the past 8 months but all I’ve got back is nastiness, denial and a complete inability to take any accountability for her actions.

To be honest I’m still struggling to make sense of everything that has happened, and I’m finding myself feeling particularly conflicted about everything considering the time of year.

I haven’t had a chance to read through this thread yet but I plan on doing so later when the children are in bed, in the hope it will help bring me some comfort.

Im sorry you had an awful childhood. Youre definitely not alone on this thread. I hope it brings you some comfort. May I ask, how has counselling helped you? Do you just talk about your childhood with the counsellor? I'm considering it for myself but I'm not sure talking will help me.

Well done for coming to the realisation. I think the trying to make sense of it is the hardest part - sometimes you can look back and see patterns or things from their own childhoods that do seem to be reasons, but it still doesn't seem reasonable that people would behave like that.

Hi everyone.

I would like to join this group. Today in a different thread someone wrote something about their parents that made me feel I wasn't alone and realised it would be good to be part of a group of people sharing a similar unfortunate past. I have done therapy in relation to this issue, a lifetime of a relationship with parents who never parent you. Who are only interested in themselves and have no interest with anything around them including me, my life. Even when I went through cancer many years ago, they were still the same. It's all about them. Their world is very small and they criticise everything and anyone. There is manipulation, silent treatment, gaslighting, it's all dysfunction. I'm very lucky I have my own life, a husband and 3 children. I do have after all, a happy life.

I will get the book recommend. I am going through your posts. Thanks for having me here. x

Actually, talking about my childhood was only a small part of my counselling and we focused a lot more on how my mother treats me now as an adult, how it makes me feel, how it’s affected me as a person and how it has affected the relationships I have with other people, particularly my relationship with my sister, but also how it’s affected my confidence when I’m with other people and in turn how it’s affected my friendships, my relationships with men also my career (all things I hadn’t really considered before).

We also spoke about why we think my mother is the way she is, the reason behind her actions and behaviours, why I tolerate it and what I want going forwards.

So yes, the counselling was far more based on the long lasting effects of my childhood and all the ways it impacts on me now as opposed to how my actual childhood was.

I do believe my mum’s difficult childhood played a large role in how her own poor parenting developed (she had me and my sister when she young and within 13
months of each other and so it was of course very difficult) but counselling helped me accept that despite her background she still had choices.

Everytime she abused me and my sister, in whatever form that took, she was choosing to do it. Maybe when she was in early 20’s and had two children under the age of two she felt overwhelmed which led to her making bad decisions…. Maybe I could try and justify that…… but as she got older the poor behaviour continued, subjecting me and my sister to it throughout our childhood, our adolescence, and into our adult years too. That’s not a young overwhelmed mother, that’s a mature woman choosing to treat her children badly for decades without any remorse or accountability.

I have accepted that I will never make sense of it - although I know there must be some kind of personality disorder at play - but I have made the decision that I will not tolerate it anymore just because she’s my mother. She made the choice to treat me as she has done for all my life, and now I’ve finally made the choice to put myself first and walk away from it.

I just wondered, do you actually ask her for the practical help you mention? It could be she wants to help but just doesn't know how, and needs you to spell it out for her? X

I had the pleasure?! Of seeing my childish mother yesterday. She’s so awkward in her own skin. My pre teen DC didn’t want to try some jeans on and she sort of stropped about it. I didn’t realise how uncomfortable my DC felt until it came to bedtime and they struggled to settle a lot.

I wish I lived hundreds of miles away so we could just cut her out and be done.

I did exactly that and move from my home country to another European country, and never came back. I still remember the first few days being away from home and the sense of freedom.
You can't tell people that was the reason you left, they wouldn't understand. But it made perfect sense and that was 20 years ago. I still have to go home to visit my parents and I can tell you I dread those visits.
Nothing ever changes, and every phone call is a reminder of that. My children now teens realise now how dysfunctional the relationship is. But part of healing is to realise they CANT change and they won't. And there is nothing you can do, except be kind to yourslef if that makes sense.

Counselling was the best thing I ever did, as @LondonLady1980 said, it helps understanding other areas in your life, lack of confidence, fear or rejection in my case with all the absolutely shit parenting i received.
I'm so much better now, I wish I have done it before.
Sorry for the essay, thanks for posting. It helps not knowing I'm not alone.

@Manyredpoppies you are certainly not alone however other than my closest friends who took a long time to realise I wasn’t exaggerating, no one else really understands how bad she is and why I don’t have a relationship with her. She goes to church, gives to charity, and to most other people seems nice however the moment her sense of control is stretched her true self is revealed. I’ve never lied to my DC about why we’re not close and through counselling also realised a lot about myself.

My mother (who Ive not spoken to for 8 months) has just left loads of Christmas presents outside the front door for me, my DH and the children. Lots of expensive, and thoughtful gifts. It just causes so much guilt doesn’t it.

That’s a classic narcissist trick. She can tell anyone who enquires how she sent you lots of really expensive gifts and you haven’t even said thank you. It feeds into the victim role and fuels the pity party for one. Mine is the same. It’s the exact script for our parents.

Thanks for starting this thread. Good to be among people who Get It. I've been in therapy for a long time, and have also done loads of self-work over the last few years after I (finally) got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I have a good understanding now of the ways in which my childhood experiences shaped me and influenced my patterns, including choice of partners. And I'm working on self-esteem and making better choices these days. It's a very long road, though, and I still feel huge grief for the parenting I didn't get, the 'safe place to land' that never existed for me. I feel sad for the years lost to believing I was a nightmare to be around, so demanding and selfish and oversensitive and difficult, when I was actually busy empathising with everyone and counselling everyone and putting everyone else's needs first, and sitting on my own needs and desires and priorities so hard that I couldn't even identify them any more. I feel sorry for my younger self, chasing love from people who just weren't that into me (including my parents), and not understanding how much more I deserved. I'm sending love to all of you. You all deserve so, so much better.

Thinking of you all through this tricky bit of the year. I'm lucky to have avoided meetings and conversations although we still have new year to get through and I have a birthday soon too. I got the usual parcel of nonsense bits and pieces, and because my mum's house is grim (too full of stuff to clean) it was a case of going through throwing most of it out and getting other things in the washing machine quickly. The smell is a massive trigger and reminds me of the fact I can't/ won't go back to my childhood home because of the state she's got it into. She used to shout at me/ threaten things for not tidying my room and we had a weirdly complicated system of pocket money 'fines' for me not doing certain tasks, but actually my dad did a lot of the housework and she can't seem to bring herself to be enough of an adult to keep the house in a decent state.

I suppose it's a positive side effect that I now keep my place very clean and tidy, but sometimes I've seen myself get a bit obsessive about that and I'm sure it's a mix of "someone might shout at me" and absolutely not wanting to be like her.

Thanks so much for starting this thread OP. I am reading all the posts and finding myself getting a bit emotional because so many of them resonate. Both of my parents were/are emotionally immature. I was the peacekeeper in their relationship (as much as any child can be) and my mother used me as a confidant from when I was about 10, telling me about their sex life etc. I was also ‘parenting’ 2 of my 3 siblings until I left home at 18. I have residual guilt from not doing a good enough job with that, and also for not being able to protect the third sibling from my mother’s abuse. I chose not to have children because I couldn’t risk turning out like her. I am NC with my mother for over 5 years now, and LC with my father. Even at this time of the year, when the focus is on ‘happy families’, I am so relieved that I don’t have to pretend any more.

You are all lovely and amazing people x

Sending huge hugs to all of you that have found this thread. I’m currently wondering whether I need to tell my mum what she did at the weekend that made my DC uncomfortable, or just accept that it’s like talking to a wall and she’ll never change. Sometimes I wish she’d just die so I would be free from her and so would my DC. That’s awful isn’t it!

I don’t think it’s awful to wish this - just human. Re: your mum, and what happened at the weekend, I think you already know the answer based on your past experiences. You can tell her of course, but in the knowledge that you probably won’t get the outcome you want. And so it’s up to you to decide what is best for your children, and for you, going forward. Your mother doesn’t have to be the centre of your family universe.

I recognise so much in your description @runcharlierun. Here's to 2026 being better for us all, and full of self respect and self love.

Happy new year! Hope everyone’s doing ok?

Something that’s niggling me at the moment is that every time I see my parents, they’ve been taking pictures of DC with my mum as soon as I’m occupied elsewhere - it’s fresh in my mind at the moment as I saw them in the week, and as soon as DC was out of the car, my dad was taking pictures of my mum holding them. I was walking back across the car park having popped to the loo and actually muttered ‘FFS’ out loud when I saw it. It’s like they can’t wait to be shot of me so mum can have DC all to herself. It’s so weird. They never ever take pictures of me (their own daughter) with my baby, or of my dad or DH with the baby, only my mum. DH thinks she’s asked dad to do it. It’s hard to articulate why it pisses me off so much, it probably seems like nothing. I think with the context of mum being a nightmare and my dad actually predicting about 10 years ago (way way pre-DC) that I wouldn’t let her see them, it all stings a bit.

Sounds like your mother wants to play at being mummy again and using your children further as props in her mum show . Do not at all tolerate this but completely withdraw from them. Interesting as well that your dad actually said years before that he thought you would not let your mum see them!.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them. Step forward your dad here. He cannot be relied upon either and he would quite happily throw you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I sent my DM a birthday present but she's decided she doesn't want it (it was a voucher for an art class and she has been doing art for decades but now suddenly isn't).
I think she is under the impression she has done nothing wrong and it's entirely up to her whether we have a relationship or not. But she can't be grown up enough to treat me like an adult or to realise you can't play favourites with your grandchildren and I'm not going to list all her failings.

@Backtoworknewmum you don't like it because it's just weird. To wait for you not to be around to take some performance pics to show her friends/ relatives it's infuriating. Totally get this, my narcisistic mother is the same, i have to be careful and dont leave them alone. Mine are older than yours and now its not its not just pics but shit she might say to them when im not around. It's horrible, she can't behave normally. And of course she has no real interest for any of us. So just to say its not you OP, it's her.

Happy New Year everyone xx

Thank you for the validation @Manyredpoppies, it does feel like a weird thing to do. If it had happened once or twice, whatever, but it’s every time I leave the room to pop to the loo, put the kettle on etc. I’ve otherwise made a concerted effort not to leave DC alone with my parents because, like you, I don’t know what weird shit my mum will say and my dad will defend (although actually I know my dad will defend anything she does). Clearly even leaving them with my parents for two minutes leads to weird things happening.

I wanted to ask what you all think about labels like borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Obviously none of us can diagnose our parents but, based on 30-odd years of bearing the brunt of my mum’s behaviour and a whole lot of reading in recent years, I’m starting to be quite convinced that borderline fits my mum’s symptoms/behaviour. However, I’m also really aware that it’s becoming more and more of a contentious label as it’s been given largely to women who are probably suffering PTSD or CPTSD. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I do think that, regardless of labels or diagnoses, there’s no excuse for her and my dad’s behaviour, as there’s always been an option for her to seek help and really work to change her behaviour, but she didn’t or doesn’t want to, and my dad seemingly won’t ever pull her up on the way she behaves, let alone leave her.

I think that’s a good question @Backtoworknewmum- I also think my mum is borderline. Interestingly it has been suggested to me that she may be autistic but she’s of the generation where it wasn’t recognised, diagnosed or supported so she’s always just been shoved under the umbrella of rude, odd, selfish etc.

She is utterly incapable of reflecting on any of her behaviours or apologising. She is the queen of DARVO.

Sorry, I’ve sort of had a bit of a therapeutic download there.