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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Issues with friendship group - there's nothing I can do, is there?

179 replies

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 14:49

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

OP posts:
NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:12

Sorry, just posting again to stop me sending text messages - but silence is the best way forward, right?

OP posts:
something2say · 14/12/2025 15:14

Yes at this stage. Make your way by yourself and suss it out in person. Can you think of anything you did or said six weeks ago that might have upset her?

2chocolateoranges · 14/12/2025 15:16

Personally I’d either phone or go and visit friend 1 to find out what her issue is.

Gottogetmyflyzone · 14/12/2025 15:17

Just ask her? Hi friend 1, hope you’re well. Just wanted to check if everything is ok with you ? I thought you have been a bit off with me but appreciate that I could be wrong-looking forward to next Friday!

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 15:19

‘Hi friend, is everything ok? I’ve noticed a shift in our dynamic and I’d hate to think I’d inadvertently upset you.’

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 15:19

Ask friend 1 whats wrong.

LegoWig · 14/12/2025 15:22

I think you should ask her, you don’t have to be confrontational, just say something like “I’m sensing a rift between us but I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to upset you. I value our friendship and would appreciate if you could tell me what the issue is”.

She either has to tell you what’s bugging her or deny there’s an issue, if it’s the latter she’s got no excuse for being arsey with you.

ThisLittlePony · 14/12/2025 15:24

Can you message 3 and 4 and travel with them?
id not give friend 1 the oxygen for her drama llama, and 2 is just as complicit in this given they’re going along with ostracising of you from travel.
a breezy “see you there then!” May take wind out of 1&2 sails who may be desperate for you to say something they can spin.
is it a ticketed event? If so who has them?

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:25

something2say · 14/12/2025 15:14

Yes at this stage. Make your way by yourself and suss it out in person. Can you think of anything you did or said six weeks ago that might have upset her?

When I last saw Friend1 on her own, she said she was fed up due to a knee issue and peri symptoms.

Friend3 has now been in touch seemingly unaware of any issues and is discussing travel arrangements (so that’s a positive).

Friend4 has also messaged to say she is travelling with Friends1 and 2

OP posts:
DancingNotDrowning · 14/12/2025 15:25

Actually i don’t think silence is the best bet. Would you normally travel with person 1? Or someone else? If person 1 then I’d respond saying “are you not traveling from home? Would be great if you could swing by and get me, i don’t have car/saves on taxi” etc

that is how you’d respond if you didn’t suspect she was being off with you and it means she’ll be forced to address it at the risk of her looking childish.

Gets it nipped in the bud before it festers and escalates

ThisLittlePony · 14/12/2025 15:30

So why don’t you and 3 say, that sounds great, where will we meet you to travel? Have they actually excluded you?

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 15:31

How long have you been friends with this group?

Newyearsameme26 · 14/12/2025 15:32

I would definitely ring her and get this ironed out ASAP.

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:37

Friend2 has decided to drive and has offered lifts to Friends1 and 4.

Which leaves me travelling with Friend3, nothing wrong with that, it’s just not how we usually make plans.

OP posts:
NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:37

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 15:31

How long have you been friends with this group?

Nearly 9 years

OP posts:
Floorclean · 14/12/2025 15:41

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:37

Nearly 9 years

So surely you trust that at least the others won’t suddenly sideline you on the basis of what one person in the group may have said.

I have similar length friendships and I trust them deeply. I know they’d never ever bitch about me and vice versa. And I know that if on the chance that they heard I did something wrong re of the group, the others wouldn’t automatically sideline with anyone! We would talk about it.

So trust these long standing friends, presuming you do, that they aren’t year 7 leaves in the wind

ThisLittlePony · 14/12/2025 15:42

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:37

Friend2 has decided to drive and has offered lifts to Friends1 and 4.

Which leaves me travelling with Friend3, nothing wrong with that, it’s just not how we usually make plans.

But not to you and 3? God this mean girl mentality is exhausting! Honestly go along with 3, make your journey fun!
if it is some bitchfest the rest are cooking up, don’t give them any fodder for it, such as their fake hiding what they did on the way… or similar crap..

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 15:42

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 15:37

Friend2 has decided to drive and has offered lifts to Friends1 and 4.

Which leaves me travelling with Friend3, nothing wrong with that, it’s just not how we usually make plans.

How frequently do you all get together?

Op these are grown assed women that you’ve been close (?) friends with for almost a decade. Have faith in them!

Oblomov25 · 14/12/2025 15:47

I'd just ask friend 1 what the issue is.

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 15:48

Oblomov25 · 14/12/2025 15:47

I'd just ask friend 1 what the issue is.

Yes

but I reckon we have a close group of girlfriends that we trust and know wouldn’t t randomly take offence or be upset about something and sideline me

whereas it looks like maybe this isn’t a great group

Eyeshadow · 14/12/2025 15:48

Friend2 has decided to drive and has offered lifts to Friends1 and 4.

Do they all live close by?

Did friend 2 tell you that she’s given them a lift or did you have to ask about it first?

If there’s 5 of you in a group would they not all fit in 1 car?

Unless you all live quite far away or the car is tiny then I’d find it very odd that friend 2 didn’t offer you guys a lift.

JustWantsSomeSleep · 14/12/2025 15:49

I'd assume Friend1 has just had a bad day or something and it's nothing personal. Hopefully you'll all meet up and get on as normal. Don't stress about it for now.

Mary46 · 14/12/2025 15:55

Just see how it goes. If mood continues with her I would ask her straight whats going on..

StephensLass1977 · 14/12/2025 16:01

This is why I've never gone in for the 'big group of us' / 'the girls' thing. It sounds exhausting and I can't deal with petty fall-outs and people sulking. And on that note, you're going to have to ask her what's wrong. Honestly I can't stand this immature "going cold" nonsense, and then she blames it on being peri. I'm peri too but manage to not be a raging cow.

pizzaHeart · 14/12/2025 16:08

I would arrange travel with friend 3 and leave it there.
I would see how your meet up goes and only then ask her if everything ok, if she’d display some tension.

Are you sure that you didn’t promise her anything or there was no any plans for you too or that you didn’t miss an important event in her life?