Issues with friendship group - there's nothing I can do, is there?

[NearlyMonday]

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

Thank you, that is helpful

Good grief Op.

You are spiralling!

So what is your advice?

I am aware I may be overthinking which is why I’m posting, even though my gut tells me this all rather off

Can you think of any interaction where she might have had a chance to take umbrage?

Just message her?

Just message her individually OP say something light, like “ I’m worried I may have upset you inadvertently as things don’t seem right between us. Can we talk about this? I value your friendship greatly after 20years ‘’ something like that ??

Before Friday’s event, or see how it goes and do this soon after?

I would just ask the friend whose driving if you and the other friend are catching a lift or meeting them there.

My advice is based on my friendship group, so in your shoes, if this did happen, which I’m struggling to imagine - then I’d pick up phone to friend 1 and said “I’m sensing something might be wrong and rather than let it snowball I thought best to call and have a chat to see if anything I can do”

I’d do it as soon as really. Keep it between the 2 of you. Least said, soonest mended etc. Does she have form for to is?

Has he ever done anything like this before OP?
You would know if you had done something wrong x

She not he

This doesn’t sound like your close friendship group @NearlyMonday

in fact it doesn’t really sound like your friendship group at all.

You don’t seem to trust them. You don’t seem at all comfortable communicating with them. You have concluded on a couple of instances that they are “mean girls”.

Let’s say you do talk to them, and they do confirm something is “up”. Fact is, you clearly don’t trust them so even if all resolved… a true friendship isn’t there.

lets say you do talk to them, and they confirm that nothing is “up” and you were seeing shadows where there were none. Again, Fact is, you clearly don’t trust them so even if all resolved… a true friendship isn’t there.

To be honest, until this weekend I felt we were all on the same team and I would have said they had my back. The weirdness with Friend1 six weeks ago made me feel a bit wobbly, and now the divided transport arrangements have made me feel mistrustful. Its the two things happening at roughly the same time that has thrown me.

I'm really torn over whether to maintain silence until the event and see how it goes, or whether to contact Friend1 in the next few days

I woke up this morning feeling really sick about it all

I’d message her beforehand - today…

it’s obviously messing your head up and if you don’t and you then blurb something out of the blue on Friday it could actually make things worse

a PP had a nice message along the lines of hey just want to check - is everything okay with us? I feel perhaps I’ve done or said something that may have upset you and just wondered if that’s the case if we could talk about it and see if there’s anything I can do to make amends” blah blah blah

Honestly, OP, you have created this entire internal drama based on nothing more than someone not making travel arrangements with you, and your subjective perception thst one friend was ‘off’ with you six weeks ago, though she’s still in contact with you since. Why wouldn’t you just take her at her word that she was having menopause symptoms and feeling crap? Why would you ‘question’ her when she cancelled at short notice on the other event?

I would literally just be thinking ‘Oh, X seems a bit off form’ and not thinking any further about it. It certainly would never occur to me that my entire longtime friendship group was turning on me.

This is sound advice, and is exactly what I would do in your situation OP.

I don’t think you’re overthinking at all, and it sounds like Friend1 may have influenced the fact you haven’t been included in the lift-sharing arrangements for the event on Friday.

I would be feeling similarly confused and upset in your shoes, but I’d have to get to the bottom of it, even if the outcome is unpleasant. Although it sounds like you’ve done nothing wrong, and there’s possibly some jealousy towards you from Friend1, which is often the case.

I hope everything turns out ok, and I know that awful feeling of waking up feeling sick.

Good luck.

Do you have other friends op? Have you had friendship struggles in the past?

because your recent posts would indicate that you feel very unsure of yourself in this friendship group.

Just say something like 'are we not all travelling together then?'

Yes, thankfully I have other friends. But this group is still important. I haven't encountered issues like this since I was at school, so yes I feel very unsure of how to handle this

@NearlyMondayI can really sympathise and I’m stunned by some of the less sympathetic comments on here. I’ve been in similar situations and whilst I think the direct ‘is anything wrong’ approach is the right one for your own peace of mind, In my experience you should be prepared for a breezy denial (which doesn’t mean everything is ok at all).
I’ve come to realise that the behaviour many of us experienced at school never really goes away, it just becomes more subversive. This makes it all the more hurtful when we’re on the receiving end again, because we’re all supposed to be grown up and beyond that sort of nastiness now. It also becomes very hard to call out without sounding childish.
I really hope this isn’t the case for you though - I’m very bruised and wary these days!

But there don’t seem to be any ‘issues’ outside your own head.

When you last saw the friend you think was ‘off’ with you, she said she was out of sorts due to a knee issue and perimenopause symptoms. All she’s done since is cancel at short notice on an event (possibly due to the same issues that made her seem out of sorts the previous time) and not make travel arrangements with you.

In your head this has turned into ‘My entire friendship group is turning against me’.

Two of my friends cancelled at short notice on a long-planned event last Friday night. I didn’t see this as anything to do with me. I offered the spare tickets to other people and had a good night regardless.

Do any of you ever do anything together without all the others?

That’s silly. No one has done anything to the OP here! The friend has accounted for her own grumpiness as being knee problems and peri symptoms. The only other (non-) event has been slightly different travel arrangements to the usual ones. The OP has turned this into some kind of ‘Mean Girls’ scenario on no evidence.

I’ve been in similar situations and whilst I think the direct ‘is anything wrong’ approach is the right one for your own peace of mind, In my experience you should be prepared for a breezy denial (which doesn’t mean everything is ok at all).

Yes, that's exactly it. I suspect a 'breezy denial' is the most likely response, which won't improve the situation and I would then feel worse because I'm (sort of) pandering to her, instead of taking the higher ground and ignoring it (for now).

I'm not totally convinced (yet) this has turned into a Mean Girls situation (and wish I'd never used that expression) but I'm very suspicious that Friend1 is somehow behind the now-divided travel arrangements.