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Original poster

Issues with friendship group - there's nothing I can do, is there?

179 replies

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 14:49

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

OP posts:
Wildefish · 15/12/2025 20:39

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 14:49

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

Something happened with a good friend of mine were she went really cool with me. I was in a different country and had a leaving party and she barely spoke to me to say goodbye. Many years later we connected again on social media and I asked her if I had done something to offend her all those years ago. She denied that I had offended her or that there had been a problem. I knew then that she would never tell me why she went cold on me. It was definitely not my imagination. You may never find out.

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/12/2025 20:39

I’d casually check in on the friend you’re travelling with on another topic to check she hasn’t been offered a lift too , and is unaware you haven’t been. And I’d ask at the night out whichever of 3 or 4 got a lift if they said anything about you.

Watchoutfortheslowaraf · 15/12/2025 21:33

I wouldn’t say anything. If your friend has an issue she needs to mention it, not be a dick.

I would act quite breezy like I hadn’t noticed. Maybe ask the friend who you’re going with if she was offered a lift with the others and see what she says. Maybe the other friends ( I forget everyone’s numbers) are being arsey with her too.

let it play out. Don’t pander to the strange friend. In front of everyone if she’s being rude or a dick you could ask if she’s ok, she doesn’t seem herself- but in more of a general are you ok way, not as in you think it’s personal. It’ll be interesting to see if she denies it or uses the opportunity to bring up her issue. And you come across concerned which is good

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 21:42

My instinct is to ask F1 if there's a problem, in the nicest way of course. Please feel free to tell me of anyi may have done to cause the rift...

changeme4this · 15/12/2025 22:35

Could it be a spouse thing? My DH dropped money into a friend’s place that he owed her DH. She mustn’t have known because she said to him what’s this for, to which my DH replied that’s between him and i instead of actually telling her… 🤦‍♀️ and I haven’t heard from her since.

but I’m not overly worried either.. that’s for them to sort out.

Laura95167 · 15/12/2025 23:13

Surely the logical step is text or call Friend1 and ask?

Light touch, I feel weve been distant recently.. have I upset you?

Laura95167 · 15/12/2025 23:20

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 17:56

I am tempted to call round to see Friend1 before Friday (although she works shifts, so that could be tricky). I would just say there seems to be an atmosphere and I wanted to clear the air. But pride is currently an issue and also,if they really have gone Mean Girls on me, then surely my request to see her would be discussed and picked over. On the other hand though, I don’t think there’s anything ridiculous or embarrassing about a “let’s sort this out’ conversation. If she refuses to see me then it tells me everything I need to know, or worse still, she gas lights me, and pretends all is normal

Im struggling with, why if youve been friends 20 years and you honestly believe gaslighting to be a potential response to - have i upset you?

For someone who wants to avoid drama, youre jumping to some conclusions- mean girls, potential negative group discussions and gaslighting based on some cool behaviour. Im not understanding why you cant text and ask if everything is ok and if friend 1 says yes then say well recently ive felt like this becuase of X can wrechat about it

And if your pride means more to you than this friend.. well thats your answer

Laura95167 · 15/12/2025 23:23

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 10:05

Friend1 had a disagreement with a family member last year, and I recall that she got VERY irritated when the relative kept trying to contact her (I know the situation and could see both sides of the argument) which is another reason I'm reluctant to broach the subject at the moment. And pride is also a factor, if the situation is as I suspect, to I want to give her the satisfaction??

The satisfaction of knowing you care and want to fix it?

Laura95167 · 15/12/2025 23:42

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 17:27

The fact that everyone is still attending the night out gives me some hope. But I'm reluctant to text her beforehand because (as has been mentioned upthread) a 'breezy denial' won't solve anything, particularly via text. And I don't like the subservience of suggesting I may have done something wrong (when I know I haven't). I think I'm going to be my usual self on the night, and see where we are in the morning. I was planning to contact Friend4 this week, about a completed unrelated matter (that we were messaging about last week) and certainly won't mention any of this. Her reaction will be interesting.

I think its arrogant to assume youve done nothing wrong.. sometimes we unintentionally hurt people's feelings without doing an "awful" thing. And if she says you have upset someone, you dont get to unilaterally decide that you didnt.

Two things can be true at once, you can be sorry for upsetting someone and comfortable that it was unintentional. And if you have upset friend1 why wouldnt you want to correct that? How is it subservient?

I feel youve read a lot into a feeling and some travel plans. Decided its because friend1 is upset at you and its caused the mood to change but you dont want to ask whats wrong because 1. You anticipate this good friend of 20 years will gaslight you 2. Your pride (whatever that means, is it shameful to communicate now?) 3. You'll be forced to be subservient and apologise when you dont think you did anything wrong. 4. You haven't even considered whatever is wrong might be nothing to do with you at all but she confided in someone else in the group and her weird behaviour is nothing to do with this sotuation

So youre going to just pretend this situation, that youve extrapolated to a mean girl conspiracy with friend 2 and 4 isnt happening. So perhaps youre giving off a weird vibe too. And if on Friday friend1 says are we OK?.. then what? Will you gaslight, sorry "take the high road" and offer a "breezy denial" yourself?

Honestly nothing will solve this faster than a convo. Hi friend1 ive felt there was a bit of a weird vibe between us, maybe im reading something into nothing because it seemed weird us not all travelling to the venue together. Is there something going on I dont know about? Or haven't picked up on? Do you want to talk to me about it?

Seidkonna · 15/12/2025 23:42

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 14:49

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

Just ignore the behaviour and try to maintain friendships with friends 2, 3, and 4. Maybe in time you'll find out the reason she acted this way and I doubt it is something you can fix. In my opinion if somebody rejects you it's best to be indifferent and live your life like that person doesn't exist.

beasmithwentworth · 16/12/2025 00:02

I would probably be reacting to this situation just like you op. Easy for me (or anyone else on here) to say but I would be so tempted to contact her.. but in this instance I would enter into Friday’s get together exactly as you normally would, but just keep a vigilant eye on how 1 is with you. As you say it sounds as if it will be tricky to even have the space for a conversation of any substance with her this week anyway plus added Christmas stress.

If she’s off with you on Friday then that’s the perfect platform post night out to as her if things are ok between you two. If she is totally normal and things go back to how then were then maybe in the new year ask her if anything was up pre Christmas.

In the mean time ignore the usual lift structure changing, carry on as normal and be your usual self on Friday with no self doubt. Just watch and see if you get that gut feeling once you are actually together in person . That’s the best barometer as to the mood of the group I think?

CharlieChaplin99 · 16/12/2025 00:33

I had a similar thing with a smaller group
of friends. My gut told me something was off or at least the friendship had suddenly cooled off or taken a nose dive.

We went out another time and my gut was definitely right. I decided to leave it and instead backed off. We went out again a couple of weeks ago and everything was as it was before in my case whatever it was had blown over.

2021x · 16/12/2025 01:06

It could be anything to be honest. When I feel like avoiding or am irrationally irratated by someone its because I am either a bit jealous of something or something about them makes me feel insecure about myself.

At the moment I am getting annoyed about Emma Stone. I think its because I thought that "Poor Things" film was pretty offensive (I have a special needs sibling) and she is working with the director again. Completely ridiculous but it will blow over at some point.

If you can handle a breezy constitution this is the best approach. When she has moved on from whatever she has felt she might tell you.

Merrynet · 16/12/2025 07:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FirstdatesFred · 16/12/2025 07:24

Personally I'd suss things out at the night out and not message beforehand.

Maybe when drinks are flowing it will all come out!

If she's off with you that night then you'll know it's not in your head and you can follow up afterwards.

Howwilliknow122 · 16/12/2025 08:37

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 18:13

The last thing I want is any drama, I’m too old for all this. I’m just weighing up the pros and cons of trying to get this resolved.

i never ask people for lifts, I prefer to wait for one to be offered

Show quote history

Hi op. Sorry to hear this, and at our age it really is silly but can I say asking someone whats wrong isnt wanting drama, its you wanting to sort things out and if the other person doesn't want drama then they should have kept their negative feelings to themselves if they had no intentions of telling you whats wrong. Dont wait till Friday, stop stressing yourself and pick up the phone to ask her whats wrong , word it nicely of course but don't skirt around it, be clear you know there's something wrong and you really care and want to know whats wrong and if she doesn't want ppl contacting her then she shouldn'tbe passive aggressive to them, messing with their heads. I would carefully evaluate who she is to you after this as well. Also the benefit of this happening to us at our age means that even if it all goes wrong, we don't have to see these ppl all the time, i promise, your life really doesn't depend on these women , especially if this is how awful they are. Good luck if you decide to speak to her. Xx

MonkeyTennis34 · 16/12/2025 09:00

Nothing new to offer OP but I hope you find out why you’re being cold-shouldered soon.
Like you said, it’s like being back at school and I can remember how hard that was!

Netxmas · 16/12/2025 09:37

It’s telling how unsure you seem in this group.

Also a bit weird how focused you are on “there’s the issue of pride” worrying that the crowd may see you raising the issue as “subservience”

HelloDenise · 16/12/2025 10:35

Netxmas · 16/12/2025 09:37

It’s telling how unsure you seem in this group.

Also a bit weird how focused you are on “there’s the issue of pride” worrying that the crowd may see you raising the issue as “subservience”

Groups and members are just unnatural. Just have friends.

Netxmas · 16/12/2025 10:45

HelloDenise · 16/12/2025 10:35

Groups and members are just unnatural. Just have friends.

Show quote history

Exactly

the entire scenario really isn’t a friendship let alone a close friendship

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 16/12/2025 10:46

Netxmas · 16/12/2025 09:37

It’s telling how unsure you seem in this group.

Also a bit weird how focused you are on “there’s the issue of pride” worrying that the crowd may see you raising the issue as “subservience”

Yes I'm feeling very unsure, although better than I was on Sunday. I've never had a hint of 'unsure-ness' with this group til now, but Sunday's events took my memories right back to the school playground. Most of my school friendships were fine (with the caveat that were were all teenage girls) and my adult friendships have been, thankfully, uneventful. But this has really thrown me.

If I don't get some clarification on Friday, then I will probably be having a conversation with Friend1. Maybe pride isn't quite the right word, maybe 'self respect' would be a better phrase. I would be saying something like 'there seems to be an atmosphere' instead of 'have I upset you'. I've found out, through life in general, that if someone seems pissed off with you, chasing them rarely improves the situation.

OP posts:
Netxmas · 16/12/2025 10:47

I suspect you have some vulnerabilities regarding not having friends or wanting more friends or wanting closer friends

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 16/12/2025 10:52

Netxmas · 16/12/2025 10:47

I suspect you have some vulnerabilities regarding not having friends or wanting more friends or wanting closer friends

I've got two other groups of friends, plus friends that aren't attached to groups, but this group is important. I don't think that is a weakness.

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMonday · 16/12/2025 11:01

I'm almost thinking about posting normally on our Whatsapp Group again (after all, there's no reason not to) - not to ask any questions about Friday etc, but just the usual chat that goes on amongst us.

OP posts:
Netxmas · 16/12/2025 11:03

As many have said and I concur…. This kind of behaviour is not something I could even imagine amongst my long standing close friend.

you refer to them as “mean girls” multiple times. Not a good sign for the health of the relationship

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