Issues with friendship group - there's nothing I can do, is there?

[NearlyMonday]

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

It’s exhausting when not genuinely close friends

I have two very close group of friends (one a decade and the other 26 years long( and never ever ever this kind of silliness

The worst thing you can do is ask the others if they know what's going on.
Either ask friend 1 directly so that you can resolve it or see how things pan out when you're all together.

Just to answer a few questions - Friend2, who is driving, has a big car (she has 4 kids) and me/Friend3 live on the way to the venue, so she could easily offer us a lift. That would be normal.

I have been wracking my brains to think what may have upset Friend1, and I’ve haven’t a clue. I’ve actually been friends with her for nearly 20 years, so this may warrant a conversation at some point.

Yes it does feel like Mean Girls, going cold for no obvious reason. Given it’s all been plain sailing for nearly a decade with this group, I am really surprised.

Just to note we all had a bit of an issue with Friend3 (who I will be travelling with) last year, she owed someone some money and it got awkward (nothing to do with me though).

So far I am maintaining silence and I’ll have to see how it goes on the night. I am really grateful for all the responses

So if friend 2 is driving 1 and 4 past where you live and could offer a lift but isn’t then yes, they are being immature mean girls, and probably looking to create drama. Go along, don’t bring any attention to their plan, and I wouldn’t engage with them again. No loss.

Yes it does feel like Mean Girls, going cold for no obvious reason. Given it’s all been plain sailing for nearly a decade with this group, I am really surprised.

I am surprised that you so easily think this group of friends you know well and presumably care about a great deal have suddenly gone “mean girls”

Agree with this. Silence could be interpreted as you knowing you've done something wrong and keeping quiet out of embarrassment. You're complying with being sidelined.

Has Friend1 had any changes of circumstance lately? New partner, breaking up with partner, new friendship with someone you also know? I have known trouble in previously solid friendship groups - not all women, either - for this reason. Someone may have whispered in
Friend 1's ear.

But what else am I supposed to think, in the absence of any other explanation

Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree but do you always get lifts with them or do you drive sometimes and offer them lifts? I'm just trying to think of a reason why they aren't offering to pick you up. Are they fed up with you always wanting a lift (apologies if I'm wrong)? It seems they had issues with the other friend (3?) when there was a problem with money, could it be that they are lumping you with her now if you are always expecting lifts, do you offer petrol money/buy drinks to say thanks etc? Again, apologies if I'm wrong but I'm just trying to think why on earth they suddenly wouldn't want you travelling with them. I think you'll just have to ask Friend 1 outright if you've upset her in some way.

I would wait until after the event so I could see how the evening goes and if still worried, I would ask Friend 1 directly. Not by text, not by phone, face-to-face so that I could see her reaction. And I wouldn’t say “have I upset you?”, I would say “I can tell that I have upset you”.
Then the ball is in court. She can be a grown-up and tell you what you’ve done. Or not - and there’s nothing you can do about that except say “good. I was worried I had accidentally upset you and your friendship is important to me so I wanted to clear the air. But if you’re telling me I’m wrong then I believe you.”
Lifelong friendships deserve the respect of plain-speaking but it’s also a two-way street and she’ll need to offer you the same respect to fix this.

I regularly drive (and this is commented on and appreciated) as I'm not much of a drinker, so its not that.

Silence could be interpreted as you knowing you've done something wrong and keeping quiet out of embarrassment. You're complying with being sidelined.

Total silence from me is very out of character. I don' think it will be interpreted that way

I agree. I've seen it play out before where the person in your position, op, gradually gets ostracised from the group because the one with the bee in their bonnet spreads unfounded accusations and bad feeling.

Address it now before she poisons things.

What you can do is nothing.
Be busy shopping for last minute Xmas stuff, helping family member, neighbour etc, didn't see whatsapp message - then in a day or so when whatever is making friend weird might have passed and you can carry on as normal

Person 1 and person 2 are going together. Probably because they arranged something beforehand. That's fine. They'll meet you there.

Other people who haven't responded you could ask, can I travel with you? But is it really necessary? I'm used to sometimes making my way places on my own. It doesn't mean my friends hate me.

OK so if you regularly drive them then I can't understand why they wouldn't pick you up. That's downright rude of them. Whatever problem Friend 1 has with you then it's really not fair that the other two are siding with her when you don't even know what you are supposed to have done wrong. Even if you've missed her birthday or whatever, then the other two should tip you off, not join in the "cold shouldering" of you!

Did Friend 1 find your response to her knee and peri issues underwhelming and insufficiently supportive? The shortness suggests she won’t explain what the problem is as she didn’t use that opportunity. If she’s a dominant character and Queen Bee, be wary. The others will go along with her so they’re not the next victims.
Focus on Friend 3 who is with you and not part of their pettiness.
Not the case here, but if an individual is marginalised it’s better to walk away without delay.

Just to answer a few questions - Friend2, who is driving, has a big car (she has 4 kids) and me/Friend3 live on the way to the venue, so she could easily offer us a lift. That would be normal.

If this is the case then I would act dumb and ask friend 2 if she’s picking you and friend 3 up on the way.

Her reply will give you an indication on what’s going on.

It sounds like you're massively overthinking this. If one of my friends was cold with me I'd just assume they have a lot on. I wouldn't expect quick responses to messages as I know people have a life. If we could all fit in the car of the driver I'd just ask if they mind picking us up too.
You say you've been a group of friends for 9 years and best friends with one 20 years. Surely you know them by now and are comfortable enough to not feel that they haven't suddenly decided to phase you out? Or are they generally mean people? If they are then chose better friends.

Well it can’t have been that robust a friendship group if they exclude you without talking to you, and you very early on assume mean girls without talking to them

3 of them are going in the car and driving past OP and the other friend to get to the venue - so surely they would offer a lift, especially as OP often drives them.

I am tempted to call round to see Friend1 before Friday (although she works shifts, so that could be tricky). I would just say there seems to be an atmosphere and I wanted to clear the air. But pride is currently an issue and also,if they really have gone Mean Girls on me, then surely my request to see her would be discussed and picked over. On the other hand though, I don’t think there’s anything ridiculous or embarrassing about a “let’s sort this out’ conversation. If she refuses to see me then it tells me everything I need to know, or worse still, she gas lights me, and pretends all is normal

It sounds like you are trying to create drama with the comment about her gaslighting if she says it's normal. Why not just ask for a lift with the driver?

Just ask her outright. This suddenly not offering lifts when normally they would is a very childish way to punish you (if that's what they are actually doing). I'd be preparing to find new friends if I was you. Being off with friend 3 previously was an immature way for them to behave, why can't people just be honest and open with each other, why put someone through all this worry? It's like being back at Primary School!

The last thing I want is any drama, I’m too old for all this. I’m just weighing up the pros and cons of trying to get this resolved.

i never ask people for lifts, I prefer to wait for one to be offered

There is nothing to be embaressed about in recognising an off vibe and addressing it.
I wouldn't be looking for gas lighting though. You can't second guess what's in someone's head- just take what she says at face value.
If she tells you there is no issue, but things still feel off just take a few steps back.
People's behaviour tells you where they belong in your life. Inner circle, acquaintance or outsider. If she's inner circle it's worth trying to repair but if it's not mutual she moves out to one of the other two and you interact with her accordingly