Issues with friendship group - there's nothing I can do, is there?

[NearlyMonday]

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

I find if someone's showing me they're pissed off with me and i ask why and offer to put it right, it gets put right and that's the end of it ... Especially if i'd been friends with them for 20 years!

(Although to be honest these days i don't have any friends who tend towards being moody or would 'show' they're pissed off with me. I have friends who'd speak to me in the moment)

Surely if you ask now and it gets sorted out then that's the best scenario. If she says nothing is wrong then she's been asked and there's nothing more you can do. You'll have done your bit.

All this waiting and 'silence' and/or speaking to others instead is just tiresome.

I've never thought of them as Mean Girls before, quite the opposite, but I really wondered if this was happening at the weekend. I'm sure I'll find out on Friday.

Hope it goes ok today @NearlyMondayand you get some answers!

I agree with this. Just post a silly meme or a picture of your Christmas jumper or whatever you would normally do. This all seems super minor and you’re probably overthinking. Just wade in like normal, that’s what I would do. Someone’s got to start it up…..

Hope tonight is OK - please let us know how you got on! X

No I’d address it head on

don’t message others - that triangulation - deal with the group as a whole

id just say what’s going on guys? Why didn’t you include me in the travel

Which is what this type of passive aggressive behaviour does to people!

This is an issue that I had with 2 other friends years ago.
I did go to speak to them individually at their homes and they continued to say that I had done nothing wrong .
The behaviour continued.
In the end it was so exhausting and stressful that I slowly distanced myself from them and in the end I felt so much better in myself , I was no longer anxious and felt that I could actually be myself.
For me I think the friendship had run it's course.
Hope it goes ok this evening.

See how tonight goes. If you sense a mood I would ask. I prefer small meetups now one to one less dramas

Let us know. I’d find this very upsetting, I know I’d be massively overthinking, so I absolutely get where you’re coming from.

OP trust your instincts

try not to let other peoples behaviour dictate yours - text on the group as you normally would

it’s not lacking self
respect to say “hey something feels off, does anyone else sense it” - you need to be open to the discussion which I’m wondering whether you are

get it out in the open where it can be seen or it will fester

How has anyone been passive aggressive, though? The OP’s friend was slightly cool with her when she saw six or seven weeks ago, explained it as peri symptoms and a knee problem, has been in contact since. The OP has created a narrative linking this ‘coolness’ to slightly different travel arrangements being made to an event. She’s aware she’s possibly overthinking and seeing connections where none exist, and seems to have escalated two possibly unrelated events into a ‘Mean Girls’ situation.

I don’t think the OP is making things up - she sound alike she has plenty of friends and can intuit when something is off

why would the travel arrangements change from what they’ve always been with no explanation? - this action is passively aggressive - meaning hidden aggression by (way of exclusion)

OP has also noticed communication changes in the group whatsap that’s she says are weird

believe me people communicate in these ways

I have to say I tend to agree with this viewpoint. How do you even know her coldness is about you unless you ask her directly?

You could reach out to her and say you noticed she’s not been her usual self, mentioned about peri and knee problems and you wanted to check in and see how she is, if she needs anything?

You don’t need to work yourself into a spiral by assuming and analysing every single interaction in the group. Just communicate. If she doesn’t meet your communication where it is, or says you’ve upset her for a reason you’re not aware of, then there’s an issue. Right now, the only issue is you not reaching out. You’ve got yourself into a right fizz.

You’ll be respecting yourself more by being open and standing up for yourself than hiding away getting anxious and upset about all these interpreted behaviours.

There have been 5 incidents in short time with same person in group and OP

6 weeks ago “off with me”
then very cold since
then cancelled arrangement with odd reason and was short with OP again
then communications outside the group to travel in pair instead of together as usual is
group whatsap all very quiet which is unusual and different to normal

something is up

get it out in the open

I think that’s linking potentially completely unrelated things into a pattern. Like woo posters turning a draught and an electrical fault into a ‘haunting’.

hardly!

Yes its a pattern

we can agree to disagree

So how did it go OP? Or is this thread more nonsense?

Peri can do weird things to people. I had a similar situation with a friendship groups a couple of years ago. One friend (who was up and down with her mental health even pre peri, then went through a divorce at 50), seemed to completely lose the plot. We were all really supportive and stuck by her as she fell out with numerous colleagues, friends and family. In the end though, she turned on us, initially with one friend (for something really minor), then with the rest of us when we refused to get involved. I made numerous attempts to talk to her and sort things out as I knew she was struggling but she she blocked us all and we’ve not heard a thing from her for 3 years. It’s sad, as she was lovely when she was on form.

No, this thread isn’t nonsense (do you mean to be so rude?) am currently out shopping will update later

Touchy

Wait till you meet up. I’d find a text asking what’s wrong intrusive and emotionally manipulative. If she is irritated with you, for whatever reason, a text will make it worse.

See how she is in person.

Not touchy at all. You were rude calling it nonsense

Rude.