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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with friendship group - there's nothing I can do, is there?

179 replies

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2025 14:49

Just a feeling I’ve had, and what I’m about to recount probably won’t sound much, but when you know, you know. I’m finding it hard to sit on my hands about this, so I’m posting here.

There’s a group of us who’ve been friendly for a while (we all used to work together), regular nights out, lively Whatsapp Group etc etc. Good fun and I really appreciate it. About six weeks ago, Friend1 was quite off with me, totally out of character, and while she’s maintained contact, she’s definitely a bit cool towards me. Last night, she was due to join me with a group of my other friends, and she cancelled at the last minute with an odd excuse, and when I questioned it, she was really short.

Next Friday, my friendship group is going to an event, and usually we make ‘together’ travel arrangements, I’ve just messaged the group to see what the plan is, and Friend1 replied to say she’s travelling with Friend2, and that she’d see me at the venue.This is very unusual . And complete silence from everyone else, even though they’ve read the message.

I saw Friend3 and Friend4 earlier in the week and they were both fine with me. So I’m guessing I’m right than Friend1 has some sort of issue, I’ve no idea if Friend2 agrees or not, but they’ve clearly been in touch about travel arrangements and obviously know I haven’t been included. We are all women in our 40s, I haven’t navigated this sort of thing since I was at school and have no idea what to do, but my gut tells me not to chase? It sounds like we’re all still getting together on Friday, and who knows how this will pan out. I’m itching to start messaging people to see if anyone knows what’s going on, but I think this would be a mistake.

Sorry, I know this is garbled. DH is at work this afternoon and I need to offload.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 15/12/2025 09:53

This is the type of thing men take the piss out of.

LiddySmallbury · 15/12/2025 09:58

noidea69 · 15/12/2025 09:53

This is the type of thing men take the piss out of.

Well, I’m a 53 year old woman, and while to an extent I sympathise with the OP’s evident distress, I do also feel it’s completely unwarranted by the circumstances she describes.

Lilaclove1 · 15/12/2025 10:03

LiddySmallbury · 15/12/2025 09:58

Well, I’m a 53 year old woman, and while to an extent I sympathise with the OP’s evident distress, I do also feel it’s completely unwarranted by the circumstances she describes.

Show quote history

Me too.

Has no relation whatever to my group of friends

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 10:05

Friend1 had a disagreement with a family member last year, and I recall that she got VERY irritated when the relative kept trying to contact her (I know the situation and could see both sides of the argument) which is another reason I'm reluctant to broach the subject at the moment. And pride is also a factor, if the situation is as I suspect, to I want to give her the satisfaction??

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 10:06

noidea69 · 15/12/2025 09:53

This is the type of thing men take the piss out of.

Because men have a different level of emotional intelligence and gut feelings to women

OP posts:
LiddySmallbury · 15/12/2025 10:18

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 10:05

Friend1 had a disagreement with a family member last year, and I recall that she got VERY irritated when the relative kept trying to contact her (I know the situation and could see both sides of the argument) which is another reason I'm reluctant to broach the subject at the moment. And pride is also a factor, if the situation is as I suspect, to I want to give her the satisfaction??

You don’t seem to like this friend very much, @NearlyMonday. Plus I find it odd that you seem to be escalating the perception that this friend was cool with you on a previous meeting into your entire friendship group turning against you. I mean, there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of trust or liking here.

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 10:25

LiddySmallbury · 15/12/2025 10:18

You don’t seem to like this friend very much, @NearlyMonday. Plus I find it odd that you seem to be escalating the perception that this friend was cool with you on a previous meeting into your entire friendship group turning against you. I mean, there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of trust or liking here.

Edited
Show quote history

If I didn't like any of them I wouldn't be getting so upset. Friend1 can be moody at times, I've known her for years, but this is the first time I've been on the receiving end.

OP posts:
Whatsthatsheila · 15/12/2025 10:48

So again just go
with (almost subservient) suggestion of just wanting to check if everything okay.

you’ll only tie yourself in knots otherwise

LiddySmallbury · 15/12/2025 10:51

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 10:25

If I didn't like any of them I wouldn't be getting so upset. Friend1 can be moody at times, I've known her for years, but this is the first time I've been on the receiving end.

Show quote history

So just ignore? You know she can be moody, she’s told you she was suffering knee pain and peri symptoms, but you’ve been friends for 20 years and it’s a valued relationship you don’t need to question.

Lilaclove1 · 15/12/2025 10:53

And pride is also a factor, if the situation is as I suspect, to I want to give her the satisfaction??

and this is a close friend of 9 years?
”mean girls”

OP, this is quite simply not a close friendship group. It’s like something out of year 7

Fluffyholeysocks · 15/12/2025 11:15

If she's the sort that would get irritated by you approaching her to see why she's distanced you, I would wait and see if friend 3 has noticed anything awkward in the group. It seems odd only 2 of you are travelling together - maybe friend 3 can shed some light on this during the journey - you could approach it in a 'oh you didn't get offered a lift either!' way.

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 11:34

Fluffyholeysocks · 15/12/2025 11:15

If she's the sort that would get irritated by you approaching her to see why she's distanced you, I would wait and see if friend 3 has noticed anything awkward in the group. It seems odd only 2 of you are travelling together - maybe friend 3 can shed some light on this during the journey - you could approach it in a 'oh you didn't get offered a lift either!' way.

Yes, I think I'll do that!

OP posts:
Pinkacer · 15/12/2025 11:35

I can see you are distressed by this situation and earlier posters have recommended calling up friend no 1 to just gently probe and see if there is an issue. I think this is a good idea.

I had a similar thing in our group. Some people lack the flexibility, tolerance and forgiveness necessary for a truly successful long term friendship.

In my experience, other people in the group will follow the easiest path and not get involved. They won't say :I think your overreacting or you need to get a sense of proportion about this tiny issue. They will maybe be thinking they hope it blows over in time but when you start to get resentment creeping in, I don't think its that easy to go back to happier times.

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 16:11

I'm feeling a bit better now. I had lunch with another friend (who's not part of that group), we always have a good giggle about nothing in particular and that really helped today. Radio Silence from the whole group today, which is strange.

OP posts:
Lifestooshort71 · 15/12/2025 16:33

I wouldn't contact her before your night out - yes, she could just deny everything or she could be snappy (neither of which would make you feel better). I'd gauge the mood of everyone else on the night and see if you can ride it out, she might realise it's a molehill not a mountain and have got over it? If not, is it the sort of event where you could have a quick private chat? If so, I'd only open the door very slightly with something like 'Are you OK friend 1 - I sense a bit of an atmosphere.....? and then just wait.....good luck 💐

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 17:00

Lifestooshort71 · 15/12/2025 16:33

I wouldn't contact her before your night out - yes, she could just deny everything or she could be snappy (neither of which would make you feel better). I'd gauge the mood of everyone else on the night and see if you can ride it out, she might realise it's a molehill not a mountain and have got over it? If not, is it the sort of event where you could have a quick private chat? If so, I'd only open the door very slightly with something like 'Are you OK friend 1 - I sense a bit of an atmosphere.....? and then just wait.....good luck 💐

Thank you, that's exactly what I'm going to do (and Friend1 is working evening shifts for most of this week, so I wouldn't be able to pop and see her anyway). doubt we would get chance for a quick private chat at the event either.

We have another event in January (I've got the tickets) so this would give me an opening to pop round for a quick chat, should the need arise, but I do hope this is sorted out long before then!!

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 15/12/2025 17:08

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 16:11

I'm feeling a bit better now. I had lunch with another friend (who's not part of that group), we always have a good giggle about nothing in particular and that really helped today. Radio Silence from the whole group today, which is strange.

I actually think you need to face it head on if it is affecting the group dynamic. Seems she is trying to push you out of the group and turning the others against you.

If you can't see her face to face, call her or txt, whatever way you usually communicate and just ask what you've done. Yous are women in your 40s not teenagers in a playground.

Dont pussy foot around it saying I hope ive said nothing to offend you as she may try backtrack. Just say.

Newyearsameme26 · 15/12/2025 17:19

But what sort of night out will this be with this weird dynamic? I'd rather sort it out beforehand.

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 17:27

The fact that everyone is still attending the night out gives me some hope. But I'm reluctant to text her beforehand because (as has been mentioned upthread) a 'breezy denial' won't solve anything, particularly via text. And I don't like the subservience of suggesting I may have done something wrong (when I know I haven't). I think I'm going to be my usual self on the night, and see where we are in the morning. I was planning to contact Friend4 this week, about a completed unrelated matter (that we were messaging about last week) and certainly won't mention any of this. Her reaction will be interesting.

OP posts:
BlondeBonBon · 15/12/2025 17:29

I’d just meet up with them Friday and aim to have fun, see how the night goes. I wouldn’t make contact beforehand. I would ask her if she’s ok on the night out, as you sense she’s struggling a bit. I would assume she’s emotionally not in a good place, nothing to do with you.

Mary46 · 15/12/2025 17:32

Hard know isnt it. Sometimes in groups op Im closer to some than others. Hard when theres tension though.

LegoWig · 15/12/2025 17:36

Upthread I suggested you contact her and ask outright what the problem is but do take on board your reasons for not doing this

I do understand how you feel, specifically not wanting to present as obsequious when you’ve not done anything wrong.

My late sister was a masterclass at putting me on the back foot with her weird negging and gaslighting. I just stopped engaging with her shite and acted all breezy even when she was sat with a face like a slapped arse. I was clearly expected to tube up to her and apologise for some perceived slight. I must warn you though, if you don’t perform to their script, it’s quite likely you’ll be dumped anyway.

CandyCaneKisses · 15/12/2025 17:53

I wouldn’t say or do anything. See how Friday goes.

Chumpingtonquinces · 15/12/2025 18:26

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once1caughtafishalive · 15/12/2025 20:28

This is awful OP.

Just a thought- do you think it could be something political? A post/view you've shared or liked that shes vehemently against?

Reason I ask is because there was a similar thread recently and when she asked her friend what was up, friend replied it was due to her political stance after seeing some flags in the garden.