In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

I still would not hold off having kids if you want them with a partner in his 50s. You don't seem to have a real reason for wanting to wait, either. Wanting to enjoy a bit more fun time is a luxury you can't assume you have in this situation, and for all you know, you may have trouble conceiving. I hope not, and there's every chance you won't, but all things in this situation considered, it just isn't a safe assumption to make.

Go for it and see what happens. He might live til he’s 95. My dad died when I was a kid so I do know the huge impact it has, but I’m still here, have had my own kids and life is good. He’s not 70 for heaven’s sake. People saying old sperm = autism too; all of kids have autism and they’re still the most wonderful people I know. Life is what it is.

Go for it and see what happens.

That's a bit of a blase attitude to making the biggest decision most people will ever make.

It's not like she can reverse the decision if things go wrong, is it?

Sperm massively decreases with age no matter how fit you are and can cause things like miscarriages or birth challenges. If you want kids you need to crack on yesterday really, as you also might have issues due to his age. Otherwise, age is not a problem if you love each other

His sperm has degraded. Having children with him at his advanced age will be a massive risk.

@Vorkya whilst his age may be a worry to you - having children with an older man should also be a worry.

Sperm quality declines with age and increases the risk of not only miscarriage but creates an increased risk of genetic and health conditions.

I see older men having children and so often these children have severe neurological issues that exacerbate the difficulties of parenting in your 50/70s.

the risk of having a child that might need life long care whilst also then caring for an aging partner doesn’t sound like something to pretend isn’t a possibility.

The risk of schizophrenia and other mental health conditions increases which might not show until your child is in late teens or early 20s. It’s a cruel illness that took my son from me and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Your pregnancy and birth can also be impacted with low weight baby, premature birth etc.

He may be lovely but I’d actually speak to a specialist before going down this path and becoming fully informed.

You both want kids. Go for it. He sounds like he will be a fabulous dad. Dint worry about the what ifs. Anything could happen to anyone at any age. Grab your happiness whilst you can.
The bit of your brain that worries is more active at night. The rational side is having a rest. I find listening to audio books helps.

My dad was in his thirties when I was born, and he died at 47. My children’s Dad was in his 50s when we had our two and is still knocking about now as fit as a fiddle. Life is unpredictable- I’d go for it. Happiness in relationships is hard to find.

No matter what age you are you can’t predict the future. My husband is 3 years older than me. We had our 1st child 30 and 33. Now in our early 40s and husband has terminal cancer. Although we’ll be looked after when he’s gone. I never wanted to be a single mum because I was in a single family growing up. We have 2 kids now and it breaks my heart everyday that he won’t see them grow up. You have to deal with the bed you made and make a decision but I would make the decision based on today not tomorrow because anything can happen.

I could have written this post in terms of similarities, although I never had any hesitation about having a child. He is and always has been my best friend.
My DH is 18 years older than me. He has always prioritised his health and wellness and even now at 66 looks at least a decade younger. He is fit active and has masses of stamina. He works in an industry where he mixes with much younger people, he always looks stylish and well groomed, he is very attractive and has a great outlook on life. We had our daughter when he was 50, he is now the very proud Dad to our 16 year old, who absolutely adores him. He is the most wonderful Dad, patient, kind and solid. He is a great provider and he has such a wealth of knowledge that he shares with her constantly which facinates her. He has never had any issues keeping up with her or other Dad's that are younger than him.
My friend lost her husband to COVID (her and her husband were both in mid 40's) they had 3 young children. You could have children with someone younger but that doesn't guarantee they will be around for longer.
I think if youre happy and you think he'll make a good Dad you should go for it!

How important is it that you have children? Can you take a relaxed approach like if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t we will enjoy our lives together anyway? As others have said it could take time to become pregnant and that isn’t on your side.

ExDP is 18 years older than me. He was in his 50s when the DCs were born. I was in my 30s. He’s now in his 70s and still working full time. I’m in my 50s and too ill to work.

He was a crap dad but that was because he is a narcissist, not because of his age.

But does she want kids as much as he does?
I think you have to be absolutely certain you want them because as everyone says - anything can happen.

OP - if you have any doubts about being a parent you need to work through those first because yes, your partner might die & leave you bringing them up alone, your marriage might end & you have to parent a lot on your own, your child may be born with a disability.
These things can happen with any age parents & I wonder if it is him being so keen & you having doubts about the enormity of the responsibility that keep you awake rather than the age gap.

My partner was 50 when youngest born. An amazing dad and still the hottest dad at school run. So long as he’s fit and healthy and good health runs in the family, why not go for it. A good dad at 50 is better than a child father who goes partying and plays computer games and who won’t be helpful or present as a father. Early years are the most important.

@catherinewales I'm so sorry.

Honestly in hospital you see 40 year olds that look and behave like they’re 80. If he’s looking after himself and hasn’t been diagnosed with anything like diabetes it’s a great indicator of a long life. I wouldn’t worry

I’ve known plenty of young looking 50 year olds .. they all most definitely look their age by 60. He’s a hard manual job if he is a builder which will take its toll on his body. You are so so young .. you are throwing your youth away on a guy who is two decades older than you. I can’t fathom it tbh. Your alarm bells are going off for a reason .. ask yourself this , would he marry a 70 year old ??

I wouldn’t do it. Parenthood is very tough, and you have a higher chance of being a young widow than most. He isn’t going to have the energy for young children op. He will be entering retirement before they reach the teen years. If you do go ahead, have just one and ensure you have life assurance, and guardians just in case.

Interesting you have chosen someone just like your own father - might be worth having some counselling.

I would wonder why a 50 year old man wants a wife 20 years younger

i couldn’t imagine being with someone 20 years older and would want to know what the real attraction is beside the obvious age difference

he wants kids so being with someone of a similar age of say 40’ -45 would be a bit of a non starter but with you he’s got a good 5 -10 years to try and get a family

yes I’m cynical but …

I usually see that warning voice, not as an irritant but your gut instinct warning you that there is danger. It’s always usually right. So listen to it. What does it say at night? What if you didn’t dismiss it?

Dear Lord, you're entitled to your opinion but theres a few clichés here! I respectfully disagree that "age is just a number" and that "kids keep you young". Au contraire, age is very much a real fact of life we must consider and kids, in my experience, age you like nothing else.

Not the point of the thread but is your dad Jacob Rees Mogg?

So,I have a very strong opinion on this topic! There were 22 years between my Mum and Dad,and my Dad was 60 when I was born. He died when I was 35,and actually,despite the age gap,my Mum died only 7 years later.
I had an amazing childhood,my Dad was retired,was always home when I got home from school and I think we actually kept him young.
As someone has already said,anything can happen to any of us,my Mum’s sister died at 41 from a congenital blood disorder.
Age really is just a number,so try and put it out of your mind and live your life as you want to xxx

He is in his 50’s this is why you are having middle of the night panics. My dad felt so old at the school gates & he was handsome & fit for his age. He still had me at 38 which felt old compared to my friends dads in their 20’s. 50 year olds are becoming grandparents I’m in my 50’s it’s not an age to be having babies.

Eggs can't "repair damage" in sperm.