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Original poster

In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

269 replies

Vorkya · 13/12/2025 12:29

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

OP posts:
cupfinalchaos · 13/12/2025 21:09

Of course it’s a risk, but looking at my parents now where my mum is 81 and my dad 94, my mum has an awful time. Instead of enjoying life with him, she’s his carer. And that’s only a 13 year age gap. Irrespective of children, that’s food for thought too.

ThatCyanCat · 13/12/2025 21:17

OP, are you trying to kick the can down the road regarding kids and hope that nature will make the decision for you? Then you can tell yourself that you tried but it wasn't meant to be and it's worth it for this relationship? Just seems so strange that you're 31, know you want kids, he's already pretty old for that and you're talking about waiting a few more years for no real reason.

Do you want children? It's fine if you don't, but if you do, I'd be very very wary of sacrificing them for a man. I honest to God do not know any women who did this and didn't regret it terribly, especially if the relationship didn't work out in the end. Assuming you stay together (you still haven't said why he and his ex split up), you could find yourself carer to an old man while you're still pretty hale and hearty and having missed your chance to have children.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 13/12/2025 21:21

ThatCyanCat · 13/12/2025 17:47

But if you were unable to have children after that, how would you feel?

Not many women who know they want children at 31 would put it off, especially with a partner in his 50s.

Show quote history

As a 30 year old woman I can say this is bollocks. Almost all of my friends want children. All of us are putting it off despite being married to good partners…. Finances, career position, house renovations, building savings. Not one of us has started yet because it’s so so expensive (about £2500 a month for full time childcare near me).

So lots of people OPs age who want kids do put it off.

Cece92 · 13/12/2025 21:22

Well my uncle had his youngest at 50 and my aunty was 34 they do have 2 older kids. As much as it was a shock to them my uncle said she was definitely the missing piece. Also he’s definitely more hands on this time round and gets up Sundays early with her and goes out swimming and lunch etc. she’s nearly 9 now. My uncle will be 60 when she’s 10. If anything it’s gave him and my aunty a reason to be more active and take care of themselves xx

ThatCyanCat · 13/12/2025 21:26

PigeonsandSquirrels · 13/12/2025 21:21

As a 30 year old woman I can say this is bollocks. Almost all of my friends want children. All of us are putting it off despite being married to good partners…. Finances, career position, house renovations, building savings. Not one of us has started yet because it’s so so expensive (about £2500 a month for full time childcare near me).

So lots of people OPs age who want kids do put it off.

Show quote history

Are your partners in their 50s?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 13/12/2025 21:26

If you have a great relationship as you describe them hold onto that. A good man is worth his weight in gold. The question is if you are ready for a serious relationship. If you're panicking then you may not be and if that's the case then don't mess him about.

LiddySmallbury · 13/12/2025 21:37

Vorkya · 13/12/2025 12:55

I didn’t get this panicked feeling before. Only the last few months. It’s awful.

Well, it’s trying to tell you something. Listen to it. Ask it exactly what it’s afraid of. No longer being g attracted to your husband? Having a baby with a much older father? Paternal age-related conditions?

Clonakilla · 13/12/2025 21:44

Holluschickie · 13/12/2025 12:42

It doesn't sound crazy and I too would be terrified of having kids with a man in his fifties. Sorry.

😂 terrified?

Dear god you’ve led a sheltered life.

OP my dad was in his 50s when we were born. Fit, active and had a young mindset. Never made me self conscious at all, I’m surprised that worried you.

There isn’t really a perfect time to have children. And, of course, not one of us guaranteed a second on this earth. People who’ve had enough life experience to not experience ‘terror’ over an older dad know this, and know parenting is always a gamble.

SarahAndQuack · 13/12/2025 22:04

Clonakilla · 13/12/2025 21:44

😂 terrified?

Dear god you’ve led a sheltered life.

OP my dad was in his 50s when we were born. Fit, active and had a young mindset. Never made me self conscious at all, I’m surprised that worried you.

There isn’t really a perfect time to have children. And, of course, not one of us guaranteed a second on this earth. People who’ve had enough life experience to not experience ‘terror’ over an older dad know this, and know parenting is always a gamble.

Show quote history

I think it might be you who has had a sheltered life. If your life experience was a dad in his 50s who was fit, young and active, you were obviously lucky. And that sounds wonderful.

I would do the same thing as you; I wouldn't think that a dad in his 50s was an automatic dealbreaker. But I am aware that's because I have a lot of safety nets around me, and if (god forbid) I had a baby that needed enormous amounts of care, I would manage. I would also manage if he dropped dead.

It is not stupid for other people to have different fears and worries. Usually, life experience would teach you that.

logincard · 13/12/2025 23:09

My father was 52 when I was born, my mother was much younger. I have two younger siblings. Honestly it wasn’t great. He lost interest in us as soon as we became able to have our own opinions, totally unable to cope with teenaged boys.
Your DH may be different, I think my father was a very selfish man. He died when I was 22.

purplehairrinse · 13/12/2025 23:12

logincard · 13/12/2025 23:09

My father was 52 when I was born, my mother was much younger. I have two younger siblings. Honestly it wasn’t great. He lost interest in us as soon as we became able to have our own opinions, totally unable to cope with teenaged boys.
Your DH may be different, I think my father was a very selfish man. He died when I was 22.

So what's his age got to do with it

logincard · 13/12/2025 23:14

He was unwell with various things, and exhausted by the expectations of parenthood in later age. So he opted out. I don’t know how he might have been if he had been younger wher we were born. Perhaps.

AutumnAllTheWay · 13/12/2025 23:15

There's always somethingnto worry about at night.

Better this than alot of other things.

ChikinLikin · 13/12/2025 23:17

He wouldn't be allowed to donate his sperm. The cut off is 45.
I think you have genuine concerns.

cloudtreecarpet · 13/12/2025 23:47

On this site it's always portrayed as so normal to be with a man twenty plus years older than you.
I always wonder what couples with big age gaps truly have in common. The cultural references and experiences must be wildly out of sync.

purplehairrinse · 13/12/2025 23:51

ChikinLikin · 13/12/2025 23:17

He wouldn't be allowed to donate his sperm. The cut off is 45.
I think you have genuine concerns.

45 year old can still donate sperm?

SarahAndQuack · 13/12/2025 23:53

purplehairrinse · 13/12/2025 23:51

45 year old can still donate sperm?

Show quote history

It's the absolute cut off in the UK, but lots of clinics impose lower limits.

I suspect it will change, because more and more research is finding links between paternal age and difficulties.

BestZebbie · 14/12/2025 00:17

I’d be concerned that as older fathers cause miscarriages and his previous wife had several, he might already be too old to father a pregnancy that sticks. :-( Only one real way to find that out though!

whitewinefriday · 14/12/2025 00:21

Leftsidefacing · 13/12/2025 13:40

My Dad was 45 when I was born, I was 15 when he died (heart attack). Anything can indeed happen.

Show quote history

True. My parents were the same age as each other, and I doubt my Dad expected to find himself a widower at 54. Anything can happen

Holluschickie · 14/12/2025 00:30

Clonakilla · 13/12/2025 21:44

😂 terrified?

Dear god you’ve led a sheltered life.

OP my dad was in his 50s when we were born. Fit, active and had a young mindset. Never made me self conscious at all, I’m surprised that worried you.

There isn’t really a perfect time to have children. And, of course, not one of us guaranteed a second on this earth. People who’ve had enough life experience to not experience ‘terror’ over an older dad know this, and know parenting is always a gamble.

Show quote history

You don't know anything about me. I wouldnt call myself as having a sheltered life. I have lived and worked in several countries. I travel solo in countries like India, Thailand, Egypt and Turkey. I am in India right now, travelling alone through Southern India.

I still don't want to have kids with a 52 year old though. The data doesn't lie. Posters' anecdata of older dads aside.

margegunderson · 14/12/2025 00:36

Jesus. One of the happiest marriages I’ve personally witnessed had an age group similar to this. The couple had three children the youngest of whom was around 30 when dad died suddenly in his early 80s. The dad was still doing sporting activities. All kids high achieving and great to be around. You are where you are and it could be that he’s around more for kids and a better dad being older and more sure of his priorities.

Sodthesystem · 14/12/2025 01:07

The sperm causes the majority of miscarrying too. And you already know his ex faced them so...

I'd be looking to get a doner personally.
Take no chances.
You don't owe him biological kids. I wouldn't even risk it considering his history with miscarriage.

But if it's a solid marriage then brilliant, you can get a doner. Or even consider other avenues like fostering or adopting.

Bunnybear42 · 14/12/2025 01:19

My dad had me at 55 ! He was an incredible amazing fit dad up until 86 when his health declined somewhat and died at 88. He still was running around the garden with my eldest daughter at 84 and had more spirit and life in him than men 15 years younger. I miss him but couldn’t have asked for a better dad!
life is unexpected.. my bil has terminal cancer at 40.
i certainly wouldn’t wait years to conceive now but I wouldn’t be put off - sounds like your DH takes good care of himself, would he an excellent father and you are lucky he is very financially stable.x

canuckup · 14/12/2025 01:36

Well, if you had a child next year he'd be 51. So he'd be 61 with a 10 year old.

On the one hand, it sounds like he'd be more hands on and physically able than some men, but without a doubt he'll have aged.

That's a biological fact.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 14/12/2025 02:12

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 13/12/2025 21:26

If you have a great relationship as you describe them hold onto that. A good man is worth his weight in gold. The question is if you are ready for a serious relationship. If you're panicking then you may not be and if that's the case then don't mess him about.

They're already married 😂